Friday, September 30, 2016

Methanol Free

Some things in life go without saying. Imagine, if you will, a few slogans. "Public Schools: Now with Less Pedophiles!", "Hospitals: Got Drugs?" "Alabama: 30% Less Racism than 1960's Alabama!", "Milk: Made from Cows" or "Politics: Now with Transparency and Honesty". Disclaimers can be very disconcerting. Why are these updates needed in the first place? Did my public school employ sex-offenders? Can I get drugs from hospitals? You mean politics haven't always been trustworthy? Of course, these slogans are facetious but the photos that you are about to see are highly disturbing.

My husband and I purchased this bottle of Israeli anise flavored liquor. Seemingly harmless...right? Well, once we got the bottle home, we started to read the back label of this mysterious middle eastern beverage. Much to our surprise, we discovered that this alcohol is "NOW METHANOL FREE". 

The CDC's description of methanol is as follows: Methanol is a toxic alcohol that is used industrially as a solvent, pesticide and alternative fuel source. 

Ummm, am I gonna go blind? Did this apertif previously contain methanol? Can I put this liquid in the gas tank of my car? Can I use it to clean tar off the road? Can I put it in a spray bottle and kill things with bugs....or humans....but probably just bugs...probably. I feel like, if you are a distiller, you shouldn't have to remind your customers that your product does not contain a PESTICIDE or INDUSTRIAL SOLVENT. But, that's just me. What do I know?

If you were wondering, we did drink this stuff and so far no blindness, dementia or death has occurred.  More testing is necessary. It's 5 o'clock somewhere. 

Monday, September 19, 2016

I'm Allergic to the Rules

Last year for Halloween, my costume was Ace Ventura Pet Detective. So naturally, when I found out that the Miami Dolphin cheerleaders were headed to my area's local high school football game for morale, I instantly knew that this was a photo-op for Ace.

One day my commitment to comedy will either severely injure me or get me arrested...probably both. My friend stood on the sidelines egging me on to run onto the field during the girls' cheer routine and score a classic, fake, Ace Ventura-style touch down. The only reason I didn't do this was due to the fact that I work at the school district. It actually caused my body real, physical pain to stand by the in-zone and act like a pseudo-adult, dressed in drag and wearing a tutu.

I don't know why I'm like this but I just really hate stupid rules. Every morning I refuse to use the cross walk to get to work and every morning I get yelled at by the Nazi crosswalk monitor. "You need to be an example for the kids!" And I'm like, "I'm being a GREAT example for the kids! I'm teaching them to think for themselves and to always question THE MAN!" The jury is still out on who "The Man" is but I'm pretty sure he's part of the PC movement/sugar is bad for you/the sun is bad for you/everything is cancer movements. Ugh, I really hate that guy. I think he's also the one who put 'parental guidelines' on video games. He ruined my childhood because my mom wouldn't let me buy Mortal Combat for the Super Nintendo. But, I digress.

Following a rule that makes sense doesn't bother me at all; it's really just the small insignificant ones that make me go crazy! What stupid rules bother you? How do you stick it to 'The Man'?

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Rage Shopping


People deal with stress in different ways. Some over-eat, some under-eat or bite their fingernails. Others get ulcers, a rash or pull their own hair out. I can't say that I have never suffered from any of the aforementioned afflictions but right now my biggest stress reducer is rage shopping.

 In order to rage shop, first, work yourself into a rage over work, family, friends or the obscene cost of nail polish nowadays (I'm looking right at you Butter London) then blindly log onto and purchase bullshit until the stress is alleviated. A few items that have helped to relieve my stress have been a giant inflatable pool unicorn, earrings shaped like lips and every movie Chris Hemsworth has ever starred in, no matter how shitty that movie was. Typically, the more asinine the object, the greater powers of healing it holds over your unchecked rage/stress. Turning on really loud heavy metal music while online shopping also helps to 'break' the rage. Much like a high fever a good rage needs to be broken with high intensity rock music and the bleeding of your bank account into the pockets of whoever works for Amazon.

 Beware, do NOT buy things that you actually need. For some reason that will only make you angrier and more stressed out. I can't tell you the science behind this but I do know that it exists.

How do you deal with stress? Seriously, I need to know. I just purchased a mug that says, 'Adios Bitchachos'. I can't go to bankruptcy court and explain to the judge that, 'Your Honor, you see, I was in a deep rage and I NEEEDED this mug that said Adios Bitchachos....for therapeutic reasons....Your Honor." See, I can already tell, that's not gonna go well...and it's stressing me out.