Monday, October 26, 2015

Life Hack for a Sparkling Clean Home

Today I had the morning off from work so, naturally, I have accomplished nothing. I have spent the last hour online searching for a reliable cleaning service.

Here is my life hack. Instead of looking for a maid, for over an hour online, maybe just start cleaning your house for that hour instead. The truth hurts, I know.

I really don't want a maid because I don't think I can handle the judgement. He or she will be judging how dirty I am and then returning to their domicile later that evening to discuss my level of filth with their significant other. "Can you believe I found guitar picks in the cereal boxes?!", said my fictional maid or manservant (because feminism). Why was the maid going thru my cereal boxes?! I also can't handle this person judging my level of laziness either. I can't leave this stranger alone in my home, whom I have never met before, with all of my valuables and by "valuables", I mean, my set of Hulk Hands, shitty paintings that I have painted at one too many Wine and Paint Nights and my cacti collection. So, instead of leaving this person alone at my home, I will be sitting on the couch playing video games. Meanwhile, the maid or manservant is thinking to themselves, "Why doesn't she just clean? She clearly has nothing better to do? I should really charge her $900 an hour...that seems fair." Lastly, I don't want to hire a cleaning service out of fear that I have become the bourgeois. Basically, this will make me feel like a giant ass hole, "CLEAN MY MANSION PLEBEIAN!" My family never used a cleaning service and neither have I so this would be my first experience and it's already making me feel like I failed Home Economics.

At this point, my only safe and judgement free option is to just get a Roomba, until the robot uprising of 2037, that is.

Friday, October 9, 2015

One Critique to Rule Them All

I have recently developed a new way in which to judge films. I call it the "Nutty Professor to LOTR" rating system. For example, let's pretend you just watched the film 47 Ronin (which was terrible) you would rate this movie at 1 Nutty Professor on the scale of Nutty Professor to LOTR. If, say, you just got done viewing The King's Speech (which was excellent) you would give that movie 2 LOTR's for being brilliant. However, no film will ever be awarded 4 LOTR other than the actual Lord of the Rings trilogy (and maybe Star Wars-the other holy trinity). Likewise, no film can be as bad as the actual Nutty Professor so ONLY the actual Nutty Professor can receive 4 Nutty Professors. The scale only goes to 4.

I think this will clear up a lot of movie reviews out there on the internet once my system has been put into practice.

Oh and your welcome.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Strong Weather Friends (Quick Tips on Finding Your Halloween Bestie)

We all have friends...some fair weather and some hurricane weather level friends. You can't be best friends with everyone, there just aren't enough hours in the day to devote to such an intense relationship and you are  not Oprah. If you are Oprah and you are reading this right now then I would just like to say, thanks for being my best friend Oprah, I don't know how you put up with me!

This Halloween season (the most magical season of them all! Back off Christmas! I will cut you!), there are a few things to look out for when choosing your best friend and these tips will help you on your journey to bestfriendom.

If you walk into a Halloween party and no one understands your costume and you are constantly having to explain it to everyone in the need to leave that party IMMEDIATELY. These people are not cool enough to be your friends. So what if you dressed as Dr. Girlfriend from the Venture Brothers from season 5 episode 8, that's not obscure, that is dope as hell and these people are just not on your cosplay level.

Diligently search out the one who hates what you love. And by this, I mean, if you love gummy candies then find someone who hates gummy candies. Real friendship is born of things that truly matter like virtue, strength, comradery and the ability to stay the FUCK away from my precious Haribo Bears!

Be on the look out for a partner in crime. Halloween can be mischievous and your neighbors house isn't going to tee pee itself. You need a reliable battle buddy, preferably someone with a strong right arm because flingin' toilet paper is harder than it looks.

Through thick and thin we are kin! Having fun, drinking, tee peeing houses and going to parties is great but who will be there for you in the morning? The dreaded day AFTER Halloween? This is the real test. The friend who stayed up till 4am with you just to watch horror movies or commit minor crimes or helped you into your Dr. Girlfriend costume and stayed thru it all till the dawn. They helped you clean up a sea of red solo cups off your living room floor, pulled chewing gum out of your hair (how it got there is a mystery for the ages), threw away the detritus of smashed pumpkins and with a smile on their face. Till next year best friend. You have truly weathered the storm of ultimate friendship.