Sunday, February 26, 2017

Sciency Stuff

My brother just started a pretty chill YouTube channel. If you are a fan of science, Neil Degrasse Tyson, Smarter Every Day, VSauce, Adam Savage or other such channels then you will probably enjoy Gear3.14. Check it out, leave some comments, follow it, tweet it, instagram it, snapchat it or whatever other nonsense the kids are into these days. Hopefully you will learn something new or just enjoy the awe-inspiring artwork/graphics.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Happy Birthday Georgie Boy!

Today is President's Day/George Washington's birthday/no school. Which is why I work. Left to my own devices on such boring holidays I just end up trolling Amazon and buying things that I don't need but telling myself pretty little lies like, "You NEED this anti-cellulite cream because it's probably the miracle product that your thighs NEED and summer is coming up! I NEED to prepare." or "This over-priced candle will make my house smell like Ernest Hemingway's seaside bungalow after smoking a rich Cuban cigar during a papaya-tinted, ocean, sunset and I NEED that smell in my life." Another popular lie. "I clearly NEED all these fancy books because right now my bookshelf is littered with such titles as What The Fuck Should I Make for Dinner, Pocket Dolly Parton Wisdom and You Suck. I NEED to class this dumpster fire up!" Also, "Who doesn't NEED all 13 seasons of The Pioneer Woman streaming straight to all of my devices?!"

I am clearly delusional but whateves because I supported democracy, capitalism and the U.S. postal service today when I purchased glittery silly putty because it's a "stress-reliever". Isn't this what Presidents Day is all about anyways?

Happy birthday George Washington and I hope you enjoy the succulent growing inside a tiny glass pyramid that I bought you/us.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Are Tears a Carb?

I gotta be honest. After all my feminist rants, I will say this, that when it comes to fitness men definitely have it the worst. Now, I'm not talking about height, boobs, eye color or other things about your body that you cannot change. I am strictly talking about fitness level here. Women just have to be thin and that's about it. We aren't really expected to be cut or 'shredded'. Hell, just look at the actress who is playing Wonder Woman in the up-coming DC film. She looks like she could be blown over by a strong fart. Like, don't eat Taco Bell around this lady, it might blow her straight to the land of OZ. This actress also loves to tout her time in the Israeli military. However, keep in mind that military service (for both genders) is compulsory in Israel, so, big whoop lady. This woman is tall and thin so she gets to be Wonder Woman. Her training probably consisted of only eating salads and drinking her own tears. Oh wait, are tears a carb?

On the other hand, it's not good enough for men to be at a healthy body weight but they must also be in the shape of people who are quite literally inhuman. Male body goals are mythical gods, mutants, aliens, cyborgs and chimeras. Doesn't really seem fair. Just look at this magazine cover. Side note, I can't quite seem to escape the omnipresent marketing powerhouse that is Hugh Jackman. Ok, so not only do men need to be 'shredded' but now they need blades coming out of their hands?! How many bicep curls do you have to do before you start seeing blade gains? Is there some supplement out there that will boost my bodies natural levels of adamantium? Does Colonel Stryker own a gym?

I'm really sorry men. This isn't fair. Just know that showing off your pudgy bodies with bladeless hands is equally as brave as me showing off my cellulite at the beach. You are beautiful. You are perfect. Most girls aren't even into retractable blade hands anymore. So, don't sweat it.