Saturday, February 27, 2016

Wasted Saturday

Found this website via, it's called, pretty radical stuff. This is what happens when you are severely jet-lagged and suffer from chronic motivation deficiency disorder or MDD for short. If you have nothing better to do with your day then I suggest wasting it away by seeing what you would have looked liked had Picasso painted you.

My only critique: There should be a Frida Kahlo filter in which the program just gives you one huge eyebrow. What if a "face" is not detected? Then fuck it. Put that eye caterpillar on whatever object IS in your photo. One giant eyebrow over a couch....that's an app I could get lost in.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Expert Food Blogging Tips

Pro-tip: While at your local hip cafe be sure to bring your laptop, dope sunglasses, blasé attitude and iphone to Instagram your hip coffee and pastry.

Why you ask? Because then the adorable owner will enlighten you on all his glorious confections in the pastry case. He uses only European butter in the hand made Mexican conchas mixed with Mexican vanilla and then allows the dough to rest for 24 hours instead of the pedestrian 8. You will also be given copious amounts of free samples that the other civilian customers could only dream of. Our friendly neighborhood pastry chef goes out of his way to give you a unique experience because he believes that you are a food blogger due to the fact that you are actually blogging and taking pics of your food.

What this entrepreneur doesn't know is that you are, in fact, NOT a food blogger. You blog about things like, "Can I fill my Culligan water cooler with vodka?", "Girl Scout cookies that are past their prime," "Am I too old for ripped jeans and crop tops" and "Who wants to pay for my master's degree in linguistics so that I can work for S.H.I.E.L.D".

It's ok, I will take the free Mexican concha and coffee and I will even pimp out your business right here, on this blog that no one reads!

Thanks again, La Panaderia in San Antonio, you are the best panaderia this side of the Rio Grande.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Damn I'm Good at Books!

"Childe Roland to the dark tower came" -Robert Browning. This sentence has pursued me for many years. It has haunted my steps from high school thru college and now into my adult hood thru Stephen King's Dark Tower series, Harper Lee's Go Set a Watchman and Neil Gaiman's Sandman series.

These were all books that I loved, for one reason or another, and yet the one literary reference binding all these great novels together remained somewhat of a mystery to me. "Childe Roland to the dark tower came". Who is this mysterious "Roland" character and what/where is this equally peculiar "dark tower" edifice?

In some ways, Roland is everyone and no one. Anyone can identify with the secretive stranger, the wanderer and the forever alone; and yet, we can never fully understand him. This romantic figure is the part of us who is searching and trapped by the inevitability of his own fate, doomed in a sense. Doomed to repeat the same mistakes, unable to see the outcome of his repetitive actions. He is lacking in self-honesty, swollen with guilt and swimming in dread, living in the eye of the storm. Perhaps he catches a glimpse of his future thru the storm but the god machine sends him forth, sends him to his destiny, despite his many protests.

Providence is the "dark tower". The tower looms as a great magnetic force that can protect or eliminate, a terrible Shiva whom we are ever drawn towards like flies to the warm glow of incandescent light. The bringer of life and the destroyer of worlds waits for all her children to return to her, one day.

Are these figures a-moral? Are we to blame for our blindness or should we accuse the creator for our lack of foresight? What is your 'dark tower'? Are you living within the tower or in search of it? It would be wonderful to have these answers but such solutions require a lot of hallucinogenic drugs.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Zumba Bros

During the vetting process of new trends I often ask myself, "Do men participate?" Always ask yourself this question. Men are very pragmatic and so are feminists like myself. If men (on average) don't participate in a fad it's probably because the trend costs money or is just dumb and unnecessary to life, in general. Here are some examples of supposedly gender neutral trends:

Juice Cleanse: Dudes do not juice cleanse
Detox Diets: Dudes do not detox
Facials: Dudes DO facials but it has a totally different meaning to them
SnapChat: Exception, Justin Bieber who is a douche (his own personal category)
Astrology: Dudes don't need the stars to tell them that they are gonna play Xbox all day, mystery solved.
Zumba: Men probably enjoy watching Zumba but not participating

There are always exceptions to this rule. Gay men and men trying to please the girlfriend/wife. These men don't count. Not to take away their personage but for the purposes of this study they count as either lemmings or a unique category unto themselves.

Can you think of any other gender neutral activities or fads that men do NOT participate in? Let me know so that I can continue this groundbreaking study.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Justifying a Justifiable Justification

Smoking: if you smoke about 5 to 6 cigarettes a day, everyday for a year you will have spent around $1,000 to $2,000 a year. Was it worth it?

Some stupid fad supplement that you probably don't need: average cost, only $4 a day! Your health is worth $4 a day.

Now let's flip the narrative.

Smoking: Only $5 a day! Calms your nerves, allows you to meet new and interesting people and nicotine is a proven appetite suppressant. Lose weight and gain friends for a matter of a few dollars.

Some stupid fad supplement that you probably don't need: $1,500 a year for a trial that didn't work. Was it worth it?

Here's the deal. Can we stop justifying everything we do? Can we just simply do a thing without applying complex mathematics to make sure that it is worth it? These math problems were created for propaganda purposes, whether they are for good or evil. Look thru the veil and make your own educated decisions. Do some research. Money is no object. Don't get bogged down by the math and the PR/Marketing machine. Always play the devil's advocate to see if there is a scheme behind something or a pattern between two seemingly unrelated topics.

Meanwhile, I will continue to stream movies on Netflix because it's only $0.26 a day, or $7.99 a month or $96 a year...however you care to look at it, good or bad. I just really like watching movies. Isn't that enough?

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Bowling Controversy

I'm not good at Pinterest. Pinterest is for women which is fine because I am a woman but apparently I am not very womanLY.

Pinterest has a search bar so that you can type in certain activities or items and then add them to your personalized boards. Most women search for things like vegan cupcakes, natural soap recipes, gardening, how to discipline children with love, kittens, a Bible verse a day and makeup.

I search for things like the word FUCK, science, items that say "bitch", guitars and skulls. Recently, I searched the word, "bowling", a somewhat male dominated sport? I am using the word "sport" pretty loosely here, by the way. Also, I've never met another woman who owned her own bowling ball so I guess bowling is a dudes thing? I really don't know. I was under the impression that bowling was an equal opportunity leisure activity. I thought most Americans (male or female) were aware of bowling and what bowling is. Any small town or big city in the United States has to have at least one bowling alley (probably in the constitution). However, no one has told Pinterest what exactly bowling is or how it works.

According to Pinterest bowling is some sort of pastry based appetizer with a marinara dipping sauce served at Super"bowl" parties. Just to make sure, that Pinterest simply wasn't ant-bowling, I also did a Google search to see what came up when I searched the word "bowling". Here are my findings.

According to Google bowling is bowling. It's also interesting to note that if you search the word "porn" into Pinterest, you get this.

Again, Pinterest's definition of the word "porn" is "jalapeno popper chicken flautas". To be fair, the flautas are kind of penis shaped? I'm not sexually attracted to flautas but I could be "flauta-curious". I would never judge. Whatever floats your flauta. 

What I am trying to say here is that Pinterest is blatantly sexist. Pinterest can't even pretend to know what "porn" or "sports" are or why they exist. Anything resembling masculinity is outside the realm of searchable possibilities for Pinterest. Of course, non of this matters, unless you are a man or me but then again men don't have Pinterest boards and I am starting to question why I have one. Oh wait, SHOES! (bowling shoes)