Saturday, June 28, 2014

The 29 Year Itch

Everyone struggles, from time to time, in their own way but someone with a skin disease suffers in a very unique way (why do you think the Hulk was always so sad!).

Let's say you have diabetes, lupus, chron's, rheumatoid arthritis, cancer the list goes on but with all these diseases is a common thread, more often than not, you cannot see these illnesses. Don't get me wrong, these are awful diseases and they all come with their own unique struggles and one is not necessarily worse than the other but at least, with many of these diseases, you don't have to shout your malady to the world every time you go to the grocery store. You don't have to answer questions like, "Are you contagious?" "Is it painful?" "How do you get rid of it?" "Is it everywhere?". My favorite (some of these people are very well meaning) is when people try to offer you medical advice, as if, your skin DISEASE is somehow your fault? "Have you tried, insert hippy organic treatment?" "I don't think you are moisturizing enough." "You must be allergic to gluten" "I'm sure it will go away on it's own". Next time you want to say something like this imagine saying those same phrases to someone in a wheelchair or someone who has cancer.

Fun historical fact: Many modern day scholars and archaeologists (possibly Indiana Jones) believe that most "Biblical era" cases of leprosy were, in fact, just people with psoriasis. These people were sent to die in leper colonies!

There's nothing wrong with having questions but when I encounter someone with a disease, that I have never hear of before, and I want to learn more about it. I go home and I WebMD the shit out of it! That way I don't have to possibly embarrass someone and I gain even more knowledge for my already massive brain, mwuahahahaha!

Don't feel bad if you have done/said any or all of the above statements to me, in the past. I just felt like a rant today and I am on some good drugs for my skin and am feeling and looking pretty good. I like to remember the bad times, when I am good, so that I don't forget about everyone else who is struggling right now. Someone once said, "It's not easy being green", I'm pretty sure that person was Winston Churchill.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Donna "Ripley" Irwin

Won't go into to gory details but I have had a stomach bug for about 2 weeks now. At this point, I am convinced that I have one of those face hugger aliens living inside of my body. Hopefully, director Ridley Scott will make a summer blockbuster movie out of my digestive problems. I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure if I find, and destroy, the Queen Alien all my stomach problems should just go away.

Plan B: I'm just gonna drink a fifth handle of vodka and see if that will kill all bacteria inside of me. If it works on wounds, I don't see why it won't work on the inside. Either that, or the face hugger alien is gonna get tore up drunk!

Results to follow...

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Way to State the Obvious!

"I just feel like my life has so much PURPOSE now that I have kids." Umm, duh. Of course, your life has purpose now that you have kids. It also had purpose before you had kids...I hope. I find this statement just plain dumb because you are stating something that should be obvious but at the same time this statement makes it sound like childless people, somehow have less purpose on this earth. A list of people who never had children include but is not limited to:
Jesus Christ
Every Pope
Susan B. Anthony
Louis Armstrong
Sir. Francis Bacon
Jane Austen
Andy Warhol
Ludwig Van Beethoven
William Blake
James Buchanan
Lewis Black
Coco Chanel
Julia Child
Tim Curry
Leonardo Da Vinci
Salvador Dali

The above list goes on forever and subsequently a list of people who HAD/HAVE children include but are not limited to:
Tina Fey
Barack Obama
Abraham Lincoln
Queen Elizabeth
Paul McCartney
Mya Angelou
Thomas Kinkade
George W. Bush
George H. Bush
Conan O'brien
Stephen Colbert
Michael Jordan
Winston Churchill
This list could also go on for the end of time. The point is that all of these people had a purpose; some of them had kids and some of them didn't.

Monday, June 23, 2014

The Ocean Just Got It's Period (And Is Becoming a Filthy Whore)

Have you ever seen ads for keeping our ocean's clean? It's always a picture of some ocean fowl with it's neck stuck in one of those soda can 6-pack rings or a sea turtle struggling to swim through a used volley ball net. This kind of imagery doesn't really affect me. 1: Because I am a terrible person. 2: Because I am lazy and I'm not gonna go roaming through my house on a futile search for scissors to cut through those soda can rings. 3: I have A.D.D and I will probably forget about this ad within 23 seconds.

What does affect me? Swimming in the ocean, when suddenly, a used tampon string tickles my ankle as it struggles through the sea seeking the landfill, that it should have been placed in, from the start. Either, the ocean just got it's period at the ripe old age of 4 billion years old or (more likely story) some disgusting, scum of the earth, ass hole threw their used tampon into the sea and yelled, "Go back from whence ye came!!!" Forget about all the genocide that goes on in the world. All military forces should unite in finding this sub-human and exterminating them with extreme prejudice.

If save the ocean ads showed pictures of beautiful Rio de Janeiro, Copacabana Beach, Miami Beach, the French Riviera, the Hawaiian Islands all inundated with used tampons, condoms and underwear I have no doubt that the oceans, rivers and lakes of the world would be cleaned up within a matter of months. These are the real terrorists, people. Disgusting ass holes, on their periods.

Friday, June 20, 2014

The Snooze Machine!

Scene: I got zero sleep last night. Literally, I tossed and turned for two hours and then I just finally gave up, got out of bed, ate 2 popsicles (orange AND grape!), messed around on the inter-webs and then finally just went back to bed only to toss and turn for another 2 hours because, why not?!

Scene 2: I awake to the bone crushing sound of my cell phone alarm and by "awake" I mean disturbed because I have already been awake all night and even watched the sun rise. I set my alarm to "snooze" thus giving myself 5 more minutes of agony. I then have a panic attack over the fact that I need to make up 8 hours of lost sleep in 5 minutes.

Scene 3: My snooze alarm goes off and I think to myself, "WOW I AM TOTALLY RESTED FROM THAT EXTRA 5 MINUTES!!!!!! THANK GOD I SET THAT SNOOZE ALARM!!!!!!"
(said no one ever)

I need to invent a snooze button function that is actually a time machine. So that, I can press it, go back in time and actually get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleeps. My goals in life aren't that ridiculous or unattainable, just create time travel and invent cake that has no calories and even makes you skinnier as you eat it. It's really just two goals, if you think about it.

Or, I could just kill two birds with one stone (poor birds). I could just sleep/eat cake in a DeLorean and then go back in time be all like, "Hey, past self! Stop eating that cake, you will be fat and also go to bed, you will be sleepy!!!"

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Old Timey Photos

All beach towns, cheesy resorts and Branson, Missouri have these "Old Timey Photos" everywhere. What are old timey photos? These are photos of your scantily clad Aunt Barb awkwardly stroking a large Smith and Wesson rifle all while giving "bed room eyes" to your 52-year-old Uncle Jim, who for some reason is wearing a fake handle-bar mustache, spurs and a slightly too tight leather vest because the "Old Timey Photo Booth" was out of a men's XL pot-belly size, so he had to squeeze himself into the child's "husky" size, instead.

We've all seen/and or done these horrible family photos but I am always left somewhat disappointed. I want a REAL "Old Timey Photo". I didn't know that Old Timey translates to, only the American West circa 1802-1898 via Billy the Kid. I want to pose nude with only a fig leaf, an apple and a snake! Now, that's Old Timey!!! Or how about dressing up like the Allied Forces battling the Nazis?! That's Old Timey.

I think if someone set up an "Old Timey Photo" booth that specialized in the Jurassic era, that person would make a million bucks! Who doesn't want to be the family dressed up as T-Rexs', velociraptors and plesiosaurs?! Slap an Instagram filter on that, perhaps some sepia tones, and you've got yourself a memory; all it needs is someone throwing up on the tilt-a-whirl, some kettle corn and (as always) some salt-water taffy.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Drunk Baby Photos

Baby photography = I'm gonna wrap my baby in weird shit, or naked for no reason just to take these photos.

Drunken photography = I'm gonna wrap my friend in seran wrap, naked and take photos of him because reddit.

Parents don't do to your children what their future fraternity brother or sister will do to them in the not to distant future, against their drunken will.

Friday, June 13, 2014

The iPad and Other Useless Sh*t

I'm a big fan of multi-taskers. Take the knife for instance, it slices, it dices and it can protect you in a hobo fight! It has so many uses! I could be in my kitchen, minding my own business, just slicing up some kiwis, bein' all healthy and sh*t, when out of nowhere, a maniac does a sweet judo roll thru the sliding glass doors and right into my kitchen wielding a hand gun. Without missing a beat, I do a blind turn and stab my assailant right in the heart with my 6 in. chef's knife, then I calmly return to cutting up my kiwi fruit, only after I have gently removed the blood from my blade and hopefully had called 911, at some point during this scenario.  Now that's a multi-tasker!

The iPad, on the other hand, cannot chop kiwi fruit nor can it defend my honor in a vicious kitchen brawl. This is just one of the many reasons that I cannot support the iPad. My husband recently purchased an iPad because he is an idiot. I do not understand the iPad or the people who own them. "The iPad has so many cool apps and functions, though!" Me, "So, just like my iPhone that I already own and pay for?" "The iPad is also way lighter and easier to carry than a laptop." Me, "I thought you wanted to lose weight?"  "But, it has a way bigger screen!" Me, "Just like my laptop that I already own and pay for?" My laptop also has a functioning, real world, keyboard, has more storage capabilities than the iPad and oh yeah, I ALREADY OWN IT AND HAVE PAID FOR IT!!!!

I think the iPad is just for people who love to spend money, for no reason. I think if everyone who has purchased an iPad used that same money on charity, instead of this expensive uni-tasker, we probably would have cured AID's by now. Therefore, if you buy an iPad, clearly you want AID's to win. Not cool, not cool everybody. Keep in mind, that I have written this on my old timey, clunky, heavy, already paid for laptop. It's so heavy, in fact, that I can sling it at that guy coming thru my window, right now; and it will probably kill him on impact and still function, even after the collision. Now that's a multi-tasker!

Sunday, June 8, 2014

The GoNoWhere Camera

Hate seeing videos of your over-achieving, athletic friends on social media?! Aren't we all?! Now you can finally purchase the answer to the GoPro camera, the GoNoWhere camera!!!

Who cares about someone wake boarding from a first person viewpoint? Personally, I get motion sickness just watching these mini films. I don't own any of that public school magic powder either, so it's a real problem. Why watch someone dirt biking in the Sahara when you could watch me eating potato chips and drinking Dr. Pepper from the chips point of view!!! You could be inside the ridges of my store brand potato chips, finally!!  Better yet, strap the GoNoWhere camera to your cat's head and all of your friends can watch you read "Pride and Prejudice" cover to cover! Only, interrupted every few minutes to get a "cat's eye view" of it's own naughty bits, of course. Does the action stop there, you ask? OF COURSE IT DOESN'T!!!!! Contrary to the name the GoNoWhere camera actually goes everywhere! Your exciting daily routine can finally be put on display for the whole world to see! From doctors visits, endless hours of internet shopping, Pizza Hut deliveries, every sweet kill shot in Assasin's Creed you've ever made, watching Grey's Anatomy for the fifth time, personal grooming it's all there for your GoNoWhere camera to record and for your friends and family to cherish!

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Father Daughter Macarena

Mother, son dances don't exist because they are creepy. Why do father, daughter dances exist. They are no less creepy than a mother, son dance. I thought the dance floor was the great equalizer? There is no race, no religion, no social hierarchy just dance. Was all the work of Kevin Bacon, Patrick Swayze and John Travolta for nothing?! They proved to us (thru their bell-bottomed moves) that anyone can dance and that we shouldn't have these exclusatory dances. Only fathers and daughters is just weird. I don't want to dance to Lady GaGa's "Disco Stick" with my dad. I don't want to dance to "My Eyes Adore You" with my dad.

There is no way that dad's came up with the idea of the Father, Daughter Dance either. This had to be the idea of some stage mom who takes way too many pictures of their child's (insert activity). Guys would never come up with an idea as lame as this. I highly doubt that dad's are sitting around thinking to themselves,"Man, I would much rather awkwardly dance to "Knock on Wood" with my daughter this weekend then watch the big (insert sporting event)." "I would much rather eat some store bought, cake and punch this weekend than drink beer and eat pizza with my friends." (Said no dad ever)

The father, daughter dance is just an excuse to take photos. So, just get all dressed up, go into the backyard and take some photos and save everyone the embarrassment of dancing to Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You" with your dad. No one wants to see that.

Keep in mind, you can dance with your dad and that is fine. But, if your child is exclusively dancing with her dad at an event that has a raffle for golf lessons and everyone is wearing crowns/tiaras then your child might be at a father, daughter dance.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

When in Rome, Eat a Hot Dog and French Fry Pizza

I promise all my blogs won't be about Italy, now that I'm living here, but I can't promise that some of them won't be about Italy. See what I did there?

What is authentic? If I want to dress up as Batman, on a daily basis, is this unauthentic because I am neither man nor bat? If I put dreads in my hair, is this unauthentic because I am neither Jamaican nor Rastafarian? My heart is in an authentic place so I feel like these count? My heart is also drunk most of the time so I try not to listen to it. The last time that I "Followed my heart" I ended up at a Styx concert and eating pancakes at 2 a.m. from IHOP, which stands for, "I Hate these Overly-expensive Pancakes". Did I mention that I hate IHOP? I hate IHOP; now you know.

I can only assume that everything in Italy is authentic because it is made by actually Italians. Yesterday, I watched in horror as a child ordered a french fry and hot dog pizza. No I am not making this up. If you ordered this at a Chuck E. Cheeses, you would assume that a middle aged man wearing a giant rat costume came up with this idea while extremely high and possibly drunk. It's the kind of thing I wouldn't eat in public for fear of hipster judgement and not being "authentic". In times of doubt I turn to philosophy and religion. What would Jesus do, you ask?

I Corinthians 10:23 KJV "All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient : all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not."

I feel like a french fry and hot dog pizza does not edify but I will not judge you for eating this truly authentic, Italian made, pizza because "Judge not, that ye be not judged." Matthew 7:1 KJV.

Holy pope emperor this blog just got religious! I take my food seriously, religiously! Pizza in Italy may be authentic but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Italy is home to Christendom and Pizza; some of it is authentic and some of it is just for tourists