Saturday, December 27, 2014

Gift Wrapping Machine: Roomba or Wrapba

I can speak several languages, play musical instruments and navigate my way across Europe but dear God, help me if I have to gift wrap something. All my friends and family know that If they receive a gift from me then that gift will be hastily thrown into a bag and not wrapped. I'm sure that I could master Chinese acrobatics before I could entangle myself in the deranged, origami art of gift wrapping.

What sadist came up with this stupid idea? Hitler? Stalin? Emperor Nero? Personally, I think it was probably Batman's nemesis the Riddler. That guy LOVED surprises.  We all want to be surprised come Christmas morning or birthday but why do our gifts have to be intricately coated in extremely thin paper? THROW THAT SHIT IN A BAG!!!! It's gonna get tor' up inna bout 10 seconds!!!! SON!!!!!

The answer to this query is, of course, technology! We have drones, roombas, diswashers and netflix but we don't have a machine that will wrap presents for us yet? Talk about your first world problems! Society needs a Wrapba! Stick your gift inside the Wrapba Box, fill it with the wrapping paper, of your choosing and let the Wrapba do the work! From the company that brought you Wrapba, we give you Bowba! Bowba will give your special bounty the most elaborately enchanted bows imaginable!

I think the real question here is: If someone gives you Wrapba or Bowba for Christmas how do they wrap it?

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Deutschland and Other Mythical Places

I am heading off to Germany tomorrow, so no posts whilst in the land of Grimm my friends! Germany has always seemed to exist in another plane of existence, to me. It is the Asgard of Europe. The land of castles, fairy tales, dirndls, lederhosen and beers the size of your face! (And I have a big face)

As Americans, we love to boast about all of our freedoms but in Germany you get a whole new set of "freedoms". You can drive at break-neck speeds on the autobahn without a cop in sight! Suck it NASCAR!!! Open container laws? I don't even think there are words for that last phrase in German. You can party till the sun comes up, literally. My hungover eyes saw the sun one too many times while there.

America has some pretty great freedoms too though, like speech and what not but I think our two great societies should meet somewhere in the middle. For instance, if beer stands were located right outside voting booths, in America, A LOT more people would vote. If we sent real criminals (like K$sha) to jail instead of ticketing people who are going 5 miles over the speed limit then our society would have a lot less crime and I could finally get to the voting booth on time WITH time leftover for a frosty stein of beer. Public transportation would also be nice because, as it turns out, the PUBLIC really likes to TRANSPORT themselves to, like, work...and stuff. Lastly, if I could party all night long then I would not be forced to come home at an hour in which the only programming left on cable TV is re-run after re-run of Three's Company. THE HORROR.

Let's be friends Germany, maybe not lover's (It's not you, it's me) but really good beer drinking buddies.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Gift Wrapping 101.1

Do you have 5 Johns in your household? What about 3 Franks or 7 Karens? How do you differentiate between all those Franks and Karens when packaging their Christmas gifts all under one hallowed tree? The simple answer is to just pick your favorite John or Frank and only buy that one Frank or John a gift, although this does violate the Christmas spirit.

Despite the fact that I am the only Donna in my home, my husband still felt the need to make sure that no other doppelganger Donnas open any of my presents come Christmas morning.

In case you can't read my spouse's hand-writing, because it is worse than the mangled script of a chimpanzee with Parkinson's disease and a broken hand, I will translate for you. The tag reads: To: Donnizzle AKA "Heart of Darkness", From: her Boo

I really hope no one else out there is named Donnizzle or "Heart of Darkness", that would cause so much confusion at the DMV.

Now, here is a real problem. If anyone from the Flight of the Conchords opens up my gifts and claims them for himself...shits.gonna.get.real. I'm looking at you, Jemaine. Everyone knows how tasty my rhymes are and that I am the ORIGINAL Rhymenocerous; however, it is debatable whether or not my husband is or was a Hip-hopapotamus.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Christmas, It's the Gayest Time of Year

'Tis the season to be merry and gay! I always knew that Christmas was fabulous but just how fabulous? I had no clue.

Many of us dress in drag for one night a year on Halloween but at Christmas time, most men get a month long holiday full of flashy cocktails, dinner parties, bow ties and Michael Buble.

Yesterday, I was doing some Christmas shopping and as I was standing in line at the check out counter I noticed a large, middle aged male in front of me purchasing perfume by Nikki Minaj (God only knows what that smells like) a gift collection of lotions from Victoria Secret and a box of Godiva chocolates. Any other time of the year this gentleman would have had to make a qualifying statement to go along with his most feminine of purchases, "It's for my girlfriend! The woman I have sex with! Because I am not gay! Not that there is anything wrong with that!" (I thought I would get you something nice for Christmas, so enjoy your Seinfeld quote)

Christmas time is the only time of year when men can unapologetically purchase almost anything! A pink hand gun? Why not. Tiny shorts that say, "Juicy" on the bum? Sure. A rabbit vibrator? Absolutely! The new One Direction album? It's NOT for my daughter, it's for ME!

I then realized that I asked my husband to buy me People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive issue because it had Chris Hemsworth on the cover. I also asked him to get me plenty of candy. Only Christmas morning will tell if he bought me these audacious items but if he did, I am sure that he looked like a man on his period buying these gifts. Next time I will be sure to sweeten the deal with tampons and the box set of Sex and the City.

This holiday season let your freak flag fly, dudes! Buy the soundtrack to Frozen, that you secretly love. Pamper yourself with a gift certificate to a spa and then fulfill it by yourself in January! Indulge in a pint of your favorite ice cream. No one will be the wiser! Except maybe for that tattle tail Elf on the Shelf...damn that thing is creepy.

Men buying gay things like nikki minaj perfume, victoria secret body lotions, chris hemsworth sexy man alive people magazine they might be on their periods

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Things You Don't Need, Christmas Edition

The Art of Shaving or as I like to call it, "The Art of Setting my Money on Fire" might be the most over-priced new product to hit the market of men's grooming. How have men been shaving, all these millenia, with out $100 razors and sandalwood scented shave cream? Do you really want your face to smell like wood? Now every wife/girlfriend/gaylover/blowupdoll knows what it would be like to make-out with Pinocchio.

Did you know that shaving is an art form?! Shaving now stands alongside other great minds of our time such as Michelangelo, Beethoven, Gaudi, Frank Gehry and Andy Warhol. Your local postal worker, who shaves his balls every morning, is now an artisan. He is a true craftsman who requires only the finest of stainless steel, made in China, razor blades to create his sunrise ball art masterpiece. Can we really put a price on such an instrument as a men's razor handle or the wax that he requires to make a delicate foo man shoo or pornstache? Is porn stache one word or two?

Apparently, the brushes that are used to apply the shave cream are made from badger hair. The last time I saw a badger it was roadkill. You are paying $100 for roadkill. You are putting roadkill on your face and/or balls. True elegance.

Let me suggest next year's over-priced, ordinary object but reinvented with more dollar signs fad.
It's called, "The Glory of Brushing". Experience dental care in a whole new and luxurious way! Don't simply brush your teeth but rather, message them with chinchilla bristles and a Brazilian rosewood handle that is ergonomically designed for pleasure and durability. Your new dental kit comes with a lavender and sage tooth conditioner and an ivory travel case. You will definitely want to travel with this masterpiece of design so that those around you know that your teeth are better than theirs.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Turkey Day/ Pizza Night

Leftovers might be the bane of my existence...well, that and cats, of course. That just gave me an idea! Leftover cats! GROSS!!!!

This is the time of year in which every celebrity chef is dolling out turkey tips and leftover make-overs. These recipes are not a solution to the leftover problem in America. No one really wants a turkey lasagna, turkey tacos, turkey hash or turkey chili. These chef's seem to forget that most of us baste our birds in something sweet and savory and an orange glaze does not fit into a lasagna or tacos, for that matter. My palette is not ready for that level of fusion cooking. Not a single American family needs the insanity of Guy Fieri's "Amped up, pumped up, coked out, stuffing, stuffed jalapeno poppers with a side of cranberry, chipotle dipping sauce!"

I suggest a simpler/saucier method of leftover transformation. All unwanted leftovers should be turned into mulch or given to those less fortunate than ourselves. Little Ceasar's or (insert pizza restaurant chain) should offer one medium/one topping pizza to any customer who brings in, at least, one pound of their leftover Thanksgiving Day dinner. The leftovers will not be accepted if more than two days old.

 What would Little Ceasar's have to gain? Well, a charitable tax write-off for starters and let's keep in mind that no one buys just one medium pizza. God knows, I'm gonna get some damn cinnastix, cheesybread, hot wings or a jug of Pepsi. Carbs beget carbs beget high fructose corn syrup, so sayeth the Lord. The pseudo-Italian food impulse buys are endless. Little Ceasar's would rake in the bucks while I rake out my turkey. Rake out? Can you even do that? Who knows.

Thanksgiving is great but what I am really thankful for this year is pizza.

"Pizza, Pizza!"

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Trophy Husband (Cont'd)

As many of you may know, my husband is pretty amazing. He rarely beats me AND he lets me drink wine...most of the time. I wrote about his attributes recently in my post, "Trophy Husband". Well, I have finally finished making the trophy. It is a bronze (and by bronze I mean spray paint on dolls) cast Han Solo riding on a white (bronze) stallion. He has received this prodigious award for valor, bravery, saxophoning, mustaching and the plaque will read, "Number One Husband Award for Not Giving His Spouse an STD, Abusing Her Physically/Verbally or Having Sex with Other Men Since 2011." Damn, that's a really huge plaque.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Baby Zagat

Last year I heard an interesting medical study about young children. Medical science could not understand why most children are such picky eaters and why their tastes change and become much broader with age. Almost all children have this disability. The study claimed that the reason might be evolutionary in nature. Perhaps, these rather narrow food choices were merely a defense mechanism. Don't eat what you are not familiar with in order to be safe. Young children are very unsure about the world around them and they need to step lightly until they learn with age.

This cannot be true and here is why. Many U.S. children live off of a very steady diet of chicken nuggets and cheese pizza because they REFUSE to eat anything else. They give in to tantrums and even self-induced vomiting when faced with any other food possibilities. And yet, they have no problem putting dirt, Legos, bugs, toenail clippings, play-doh, used lipstick or any other foul floor flotsam in their mouths. What gives babies?! A green bean will make you vomit but used doll hair at the doctor's office waiting room is totally acceptable? Do you prefer blonde or brunette? Ah yes, a well-aged 2001 limited edition Dr. Barbie with only 12 previous owners, what a refined palette you have good sir! Might I suggest a light and crisp 6 day old apple juice with chunks of back-wash bread delicately suspended within this superb vintage. I believe it would pair nicely with your doll hair entree. Please try the Crisp Merlot Chewing Gum as a sweet finish to your meal. Dessert is served al fresco, gently dangling and teasing your taste buds from underneath this antiqued school desk.

Seriously babies, eat a green bean. How did WE outlive the dinosaurs? God knows there weren't any chicken nuggets or cheese pizza back then. There definitely wasn't any doll hair.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Cat Infestation (Part Deux)

These lazy, asshole, freeloading cats!!! A few days ago I saw a mouse scurry across my living room floor. I have never had a mouse in any of my homes, over the years. A bug or roach, here or there, I used to live in south Texas and the bugs there are pretty much inescapable, but NEVER a mouse!

I tried using a trap and so far, that has not worked. I tried calling maintenance but that was four days ago and no one has showed up yet. My next move will be to grab one of those mangy cats, that hang around my front door, bring said cat into my house and just hope for the best.

How can we have so many cats around here and yet they can't even keep the mice population down?! Because the residents here keep feeding them Fancy Feast like they are pets! They are not pets! Don't adopt them! I would rather adopt a homeless guy than one of these stupid cats because at least I could get that homeless guy to wash my car in exchange for a Big Mac. I could even reason with an insane homeless man better than I could with a cat. Heck, the homeless man would probably keep the rat population down better than these dumb cats. I would much prefer to adopt a drunk, insane, drifter to any of these cats. I would name my homeless man Mittens because of those adorable, finger-less gloves he always wears. I would take him on walks. He would threaten to shiv anyone who might attack me and I would give him all the Big Macs that his little heart desired!

Sometimes I think we treat our pets better than we treat most humans. Freedom isn't free, cats. Kill a mouse and earn that damn Fancy Feast.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Trophy Husband

Every time I go to the doctor I have to fill out a form before my appointment. This form asks me if I am male or female. I answer "female". Once you answer "female" the form takes you to a set of female specific questions. Doctors are obsessed with knowing when your last period started and when it ended. I don't know why they ask you this because, as far as I can tell, your answer to this question gives them no medical insights into your overall health, whatsoever. I like to answer this question thusly: "Start date" June 5th, 10:01 pm 1976. "End date" yesterday. So far, no one has noticed that I have been on my period for 40 years and I am 30 years old.

Next, they ask me about my spouse. "Have you acquired any STDs from your spouse?" "Do you feel safe at home?" "Has your spouse had sex with other men within the last 6 months?" "Does your spouse verbally abuse you?" Apparently, my husband is prince charming and Han Solo all wrapped into one super human because he has not had sex with other men in the last 6 months or given me any STDs. I should really appreciate him more.

I love the power that I wield when I fill out these medical forms. My husband and I will go shopping and if I want something dumb and he won't buy it for me all I have to say is, "If you don't buy me these boots I am going to answer NO to the question, 'Do you feel safe at home'." Because without these boots I just don't feel safe at home anymore.

My spouse lives a difficult life. Doctors don't care if his wife is abusing him. Heck, they don't even ask! He lives in constant terror of my medical exam threats and he has to buy me whatever I want even if it is a SECOND set of Hulk Hands. Which, I use to physically abuse him. He knows to just tell people that he, "fell down some stares" and not, "my wife beats me with the Hulk Hands that I bought for her last Christmas."

I am going to have a trophy made for him. This trophy will depict a gilded Han Solo riding a white stallion into battle and the inscription on the plaque will read: "Number One Husband Award for Not Giving His Spouse an STD, Abusing Her Physcially/Verbally or Having Sex with Other Men Since 2011." Damn, that's a really huge plaque.

He deserves it though. He has had to deal with a woman who has been on her period since 1976.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The Wizarding World of Latin!

Latin may be a dead language but don't tell that to your wizard friends. What? You don't have any wizard friends? Your loss. Harry Potter and the Pope, two of the most magical people on earth, both speak Latin. It's a powerful language, even in death.

What I don't understand is how you would speak Latin in everyday situations WITHOUT constantly casting spells and curses. Every mystical spell I have ever heard or read was just the actual request said/written in Latin. This could be good or bad depending on the situation. Let's say that I said, "Volo rhoncus varius sandwico!!!" Well, first I might have drawn a pentagram, then stood inside my pentagram and THEN declared that, "I want a grilled cheese sandwich!!!" in Latin. I'm a little fuzzy on the magical details but I'm pretty sure that's how it works. Next, POOF! a glistening grilled cheese sandwich appears before my supernatural eyes! Constant, magical, grilled cheese sandwiches would be so rad...also, no calories...because I said Latin. 

Here is an example of everyday magical Latin use gone awry. So, I am now consuming my other-worldly sandwich and (while still standing in the middle of the pentagram...I forgot to step out due to the incredible flavor of my incredible sandwich) I pronounce, "Hoc mirabile est, sandwico! Mea sunt gustus gemmas exploding!" OH SHIT. My taste buds begin to ACTUALLY explode into fireworks and my head is blown completely off. Now I am just as dead as the language that I have so casually spoken for my own selfish occult gain. 

Lesson? Be careful in Latin Club kids. You just might get your head blown off after consuming the most heavenly sandwich in all creation or you might get a D in Latin. Both are pretty terrible situations. 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Children of the Candy Corn

Halloween is wasted on the young, like so many things in life. Children cannot truly appreciate this terrifying, pseudo-religious, sugary sweet, holiday. Kids can dress up, of course, but do they get to dress, "slutty" or covered in blood?! NO. They have lame costumes like little princesses and spider man. BORING. Kids are lame. Let's face it. They can't wear cool costumes, they can't stay up past 9 p.m., they certainly can't get krunk on witches brew, they can't even watch scary movies and to top it all off, their moms control their candy intake. 

It's about time adults take back Halloween. I have lived through elementary school, middle school, high school and even college. Did I learn anything? NO. The point is, that I had to suffer a childhood. I came out the other side as an adult. If I wanna dress as a slutty Incredible Hulk, well then, dammit that's what I'm gonna wear! No one can make me go to bed! Except for the 5 Xanax that I just ingested! No one can take away my rated-R horror movies! Except for Netflix, because I forgot to pay my bill. No one can take away my candy! Except for my husband because he says too much sugar turns me into a super She-Hulk but what does he know?! No one can take away my witches brew! Except for the police...they said it caused a "Disturbance" last year. I've got your "Disturbance" right here, officer! No, no I don't. I apologize, officer.

This year, as I turn 30 years old, I will reflect on Halloweens long past. I will remember the all night long horror movie marathons, the candy induced hallucinations, getting so krunk that I turned Hulk then Bruce Banner and then Hulk AGAIN. I will recall covering my neighbors' homes with toilet paper for no apparent reason, watching someone dressed as Sarah Palin make-out with the entire band KISS, seeing a grown man shave his legs so that he would be a "more convincing Margaret Thatcher". Halloween is a truly magical holiday and I look forward to the next 30 years of mischief, guys in drag, krunktastic witches brew, terrible horror movies and candy...oh, the candy.  

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Rosetta Pietra

I am learning Italian through Rosetta Stone; which is not a bad program. It's not great, but for the money, it is pretty good. What I love about all language courses is the useless material you receive and open ended questions. They teach you to say things like, "I am lost", "Where is the library", "How do I get to the airport" and other directional based questions. Most of these question phrases are found in level 2 whereas, the ANSWERS are found in level 4. So you can ask questions all day but you will never know the response!! Things like "left", "right", "straight", "east", "west" would have been helpful in the SAME lesson.

Here you will find a list of phrases that I have no idea when/if I will ever use them.

1. Sono imbarazzato perché ho ​​dimenticato i pantaloni

Translation: I am embarrassed because I forgot my pants.

2. Io studio per fare l'idraulico.

Translation: I am studying to become a plumber

3. Il cane salta oltre il recinto.

Translation: The dog jumps over the fence.

4. Ho perso il mio palloncino.

Translation: I have lost my balloon.

5. Le balene nuotono nell'oceano.

Translation: The whales swim in the ocean.

Here you will find a list of phrases that would be way more helpful in my day to day life.

1. Scusa segnora, sei una prostituta?

Translation: Excuse me ma'am, are you a prostitute?

2. Dove si trova il negozio di liquori e quanto tardi e aperto fino?

Translation: Where is the liquor store and how late is it open till?

3. Ufficiale, non e colpa mia.

Translation: Officer, it's not my fault.

4. Dov'e la piscina di Nutella?

Translation: Where is the Nutella pool?

5. Cosa vuoi dire non posso fare skateboard nello Vatican?! Pensavo c'e un parco di pattina?

Translation: What do you mean I can't skateboard inside the Vatican?! I thought it was a skate park?!

The name of my Italian language book will be called Rosetta Pietra. Pietra means stone in Italian. See! You are ALREADY learning and just from the book title, ALONE!!!

Monday, September 22, 2014

Cat Infestation

I can't say that I have ever suffered from any kind of "infestation" before. Once, when I was in college, I did have a short-term hippy infestation but that issue resolved itself once I ran out of food and we were all forced to venture out into the wild and forage for chicken McNuggets.

My current apartment is riddled with the demon spawn known to many as "cats". What disturbs me is that if I had a rat infestation I could poison them, guillotine them, smash them with a boot, gas them or chemically neuter them. Why can't I just use one of these methods with all these mangy, disease ridden cats? Oh right, cats are peoples' pets. So are rats or mice. Rats/mice also help cure diseases in medical studies. If you ask me, rats are awesome and seem to being pulling their weight. Cats, on the other hand, are lazy pieces of crap, they don't cure diseases, they only spread them and they probably killed the dinosaurs...probably. Have I mentioned I hate cats?

I went on a run tonight and one of "Satan's minions" jumped a fence and started chasing me. This cat was missing half of its fur and probably had rabies (zombie virus). Am I blowing this out of proportion? Probably. Should I be prepared for the "Zombie Cat Apocalypse"? Definitely.

This cat epidemic has gone too far. Someone is going to get hurt. It's us or them. It's a cat eat cat world. Every cat has it's day. These cats are running out of lives. All cats go to hell. These cats are a devils best friend. Give a cat a pitchfork. Could I come up with more terrible dog/cat puns? Yes. Will I? No. Why? Because you managed to read this far and I feel like we are friends now and friends don't torture friends with awful puns.

In the meantime someone needs to invent a "Cat-Away Spray". Oh wait that already exists. It's called Holy Water.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Orange is the New Black

I refuse to watch Orange is the New Black and here is why. Netflix has sucked for quite some time now. I can't find classic movies, new movies or more than one season of almost any show that they offer and I don't understand why they can't host every movie/show created through out time? You have the power of the internet behind your company? I used to go to an old video store called the Naro Video Exchange and this place from the 1970's had a much wider selection of new and old movies and TV shows. They even kept up with the times with Blu-rays and other such nonsense. The guy who worked behind the counter looked to be about 70 years old, wore coke-bottle glasses and had a handle bar mustache. How did THAT guy get a better selection of movies than a massive company like Netflix?!

I don't like conspiracy theories (unless, we're talking about the tooth fairy THAT BITCH IS REAL). Not really a "theory" I guess, so much as a fictitious person. So, let me clarify, I DO NOT believe in conspiracy theories but I DO believe in mythical beings? Now, I'm confused. Here is my conspiracy theory which DOES NOT include the tooth fairy.

I think Netflix is cramming all of their "original programming" down our throats? Down our eyeballs? That's gross. Shows like Orange is the New Black, Arrested Development and Knights of Sydonia get our immediate attention because there isn't anything else worth watching on Netflix, most of the time. This boosts ratings for their own programming; which, they can produce and air for a fraction of the cost of buying the rights to all these other films and shows to rent out on their website or in the mail. Right now, 90% of what I see on Netflix are shitty B-movies, which I have discussed here before. They are cheap so Netflix buys an ass load of them!

I'm sure that Orange is the New Black is just as great as everyone says it is but out of principal I just can't watch it. Get some better "rented" programming, Netflix, and then I will start to watch your original programs.

Orange is the New Netflix

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

May the Force Be with You

I often times wonder what rock stars REALLY think about their fans and by "rock stars" I mean "one hit wonders".

I just got to see the Plain White Ts (for free) and because I was bored. That last sentence is me trying to be "cool" so you don't think that I like pop music because I really only listen to T Rex, Phil Keaggy and Ghostland Observatory...because I am "cool". "Cool" me would NEVER listen to the Plain White Ts...

Anyways, while I was at this concert I realized that I was one of the OLDEST people there! (Tell your mom to go home!!!!!) This band's last hit single came out in, I believe 2006, and yet everyone at this concert was 12 year old girls? When did they hear this song? Was it in the womb? I don't know. What I do know is that these little ladies were riding a tidal wave of hormones. Yelling, screaming, waving and dressing very grown up. Few things are more fun than watching the ovaries of prepubescent girls exploding over 32 year old, grown, ass, men with guitars. What do these girls think will come of their screams and short skirts?

I can't imagine that a 32 year old, wealthy, married and mustachioed man is thinking to himself. "Man, you know what I love?! Chubby 12 year old girls." He doesn't think that because
 1: That's gross 2: Most men like boobs 3: That's illegal

To be fair, my first celebrity crush was Harrison Ford, in a time when all other girls were swooning over Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Nothing is weirder than a slumber party conversation over crushes, that goes like this: "Who do you like?" "I like JTT" "I like N'SYNC" "I like the Back Street Boys" "I like HARRISON FORD from 1977 STAR WARS BECAUSE I AM WEEEEIIIIRD!!!!"

Chillax little girls and "May the force be with you".

Friday, September 5, 2014

Joan Rivers the Original Funny Woman

I once said, "Two things will exist after the apocalypse, cockroaches and Joan Rivers." Well, some might argue with me but I am pretty sure we are not living in our dystopian future. But perhaps, Joan is still with us; God knows plastic isn't biodegradable! Too soon? Joan would say, "Not soon enough!".

That's what made her so great/hilarious. People who are truly funny will laugh with us even if the joke's on them. Thanks for letting us laugh with you and at you Joan.

I hope she is in Heaven, right now, mocking all the angels for wearing tunics. "Hey! 100 B.C. called and they want their man-dresses back!"

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Traveling on a Budget

Who doesn't travel on a budget? Doesn't everyone have a budget? I mean, even Kanye West has a budget, right? I'm sure if Kanye didn't have a budget that instead of staying at fancy hotels that he would just buy each hotel he stayed at, right? Or buy a home in every place he stayed at? That is a BIG budget but it is still a budget.

I have a significantly smaller budget than Kanye West. Trust me, I am as shocked as you are by that statement. So, I have compiled some more travel tips for the poor, the broke, the college kid, the 30 yr. old who still thinks they are a college kid and those who just don't understands "budgets".

I try to pack as light as humanly possible so that the air line won't charge me for an over-sized bag or for extra luggage. So, things like perfume don't come with me on vaca; instead, every morning, I go to a fancy department store, find the most expensive perfume and spray myself with it. The 100 euro perfume really washes away the stank of hostel living.

Ok now you are smellin' fresh! Now what? You want to hit up a club you say? All those guys on the beach passing out flyers? TAKE EVERY ONE OF THEM. Lost in the "Jim Belushi" of marketing you will find at least one free entrance to a club. GO TO THAT CLUB. It could be the best experience of your life OR the most hilarious.

Beverages? I'm not talkin' about Capri Suns here, although Capri Suns are delicious. Damn! Now I want a Capri Sun. Oh well. While out at bars, on vacation, don't order mixed drinks! Fancy places will put almost zero booze in them and then proceed to charge you 11 euros for said beverage. Stick to beer and wine. You are so classy right now with your 100 euro scent and Schlitz beer! Here, let me put an umbrella in that beer for you. Now, isn't that better? I can now charge you at LEAST 8 euros for that beer!

Try out these travel tips on your next vaca. I want to hear about them! Stay classy globetrotters!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

You Are My Shaman Rick steves

Might not be blogging these next two weeks because I will be in Spain getting some'o that sweet strange and by "sweet strange" I mean, "an industrial size bucket of churros."

As always, Rick Steves will be my guide on this surrealist journey through jamon, tapas and hordes of euro trash. Leg one of my journey will be on the island of Ibiza where I will be partying with celebrities and by "celebrities" I mean, Steve Guttenberg. Is Steve Guttenberg even still alive? I will find out for you. Don't worry! Second leg will be Barcelona, where I will lose my mind in an endless Gaudi/Dali induced hypnosis. Third leg (how did I get three legs?...tripod joke?) will be the majestic Mardrid! I won't go to the bull ring but I do hope to see a ring of bulls, which is similar to Johnny Cash's ring of fire but with more beef.

Hasta luego mis amigos!

Sunday, August 17, 2014

WTF is a Wild Berry

Many questions have plagued me through out my life. Do aliens exist? Do "Ancient Aliens" exist? Do "Ancient Aliens" only exist on the "History Channel"? Is there a God? Is He a slob just like one of us? Why can't I stop quoting song lyrics? What will tomorrow hold? I hope tomorrow doesn't drop it? Clearly, I am a very deep person...

Recently, I have been searching every book on botany known to man to find out just what the EFF a wild berry is and, for that matter, blue raspberries?!!!!!!!!! Don't even get me started.

Aren't all berries "technically" WILD berries? Who are these sophisticated, well-read, berries about town? Who do they think they are?! Calling all other berries WILD berries. I'm pretty sure that's botanically profiling. Which is not cool. Not cool.

I do not want a wild berry smoothie, a wild berry Jolly Rancher or a wild berry muffin because, I am almost certain that "wild berry" is just code for high fructose corn syrup engulfed by red dye #40 and soaking in saturated fats. SOUNDS DELICIOUS.

I won't be eating any wild berries until I can pick one off of an actual tree or vine? Well, wherever the hell a wild berry would grow.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Caption Contest

This photo is courtesy of Anna Reichow. Her son found this Ferrari police car, here in Naples, and was VERY disappointed when, upon further inspection, he realized that the car was not a Corvette like his dad's car.

This photo is SCREAMING for a caption. I will be giving a $5 gift card (to an establishment of the winner's choosing) to whomever can come up with the best caption for this pic! Let's TRY to keep it clean. Why?! Because it's a picture of a kid, you fuckers! Also, if you do have a naughty caption just send it to me in a private message because I enjoy humor and someone told me that you are hilarious.

The winner will be announced at the rooster's crow of August 16th, in the year of our Lord, 2014.

Good luck/ Buona fortuna!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Straight to Torrent

I recently watched a "film" on Netflix entitled Solomon Kane. This movie was awesome in the same sense that Alien Vs. Predator was awesome. You won't learn anything, grow as a human being or be inspired by the artistry of cinema but dammit if you aren't gonna see a leathery pirate beat the shit outta some demons!

Solomon Kane is a B movie but what is a B movie? How do such films come to B? (pun intended) Who is the target audience for shitty movies? I want to know what the studio pitch for this film was. "Ok guys, let's get someone who kinda looks like Hugh Jackman but doesn't cost what Hugh Jackman costs and then let's get him to fight some demons in 15th century England and oh yeah, well we blew the budget on the Hugh Jackman look alike so let's just throw some video game level CGI over the whole thing? Sound good?" Clearly, the studio KNOWS this movie is going straight to video/DVD/Netflix, right? Netflix is riddled with "films" I have never heard of and yet some asshole out there is giving them all 5 star ratings. I think the studio execs who produce this fodder are just trolling Netflix and giving their "films" excellent ratings.

I just don't understand how these movies make money? Video stores don't exist anymore. Nobody buys movies anymore and Netflix and Hulu are both super cheap. I think the next step is to skip the "straight to video" and instead just go straight to Torrent. The B movie industry might just B a huge money laundering scheme.

Volcano Insurance

Before moving to Italy I had renters insurance for my small apartment in Virginia. The agreement covered "Acts of God" but not "Military Coups" or "Militia Attacks". WTF Virginia. Luckily for me and my tiny apartment, no militias tried to overthrow the local government, no matter how much they wanted to. When I say, "No matter how much they wanted to.", what I really mean is this true story:

Scene: The National Zoo in Washington, D.C.
Players: Me, Andrew, anonymous son and anonymous father

We were by a monkey cage around closing time and most of the animals had been brought inside the facilities by handlers and other animals were simply seeking shelter to sleep for the night within their enclosures.

Beside us, there was an older man sporting a great trucker hat, ratty old t-shirt with the American flag emblazoned across it and a ridiculously large camera (with equally ridiculously large zoom lens), long jean shorts and fanny pack. His son appeared to be about 12 years of age with blonde hair and could be described as "husky".

The father began to explain to his son that we couldn't see any of the animals because of "Obama". When the father, did finally see an animal with his over compensating camera lens he simply shrugged it off by saying to his progeny, "It's fake. It's an animitron just like you see at the Chuck E. Cheeses, damn Obama."

I was totally unaware of the powers that Barack Obama held over the animal kingdom. I guess that's what won him the election...twice. His sweet ass animal control capabilities were just too powerful!

This is what I mean by, "No matter how much they wanted to."

My new problem, here in Italy, is living directly under a Volcano that is about 40 years over due for an eruption. Does my new renters insurance cover lava flows? Will it insure my house hold goods when it is raining hell fire outside my windows? Will I be compensated after my car has been encased in ash? I'm still waiting on the reply from my insurance adjuster. In the mean time, I'm just trying to "pose" epicly, around my house, so that I look really cool in Pompeii after I have been immortalized in ash. Just want to cover all my bases.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Hulk Hands Diet

The Hulk Hands Diet is a pure, all-natural, safe and healthy way to lose weight, gain energy and a great way to get your life back!

Here at Hulk Hands, we encourage regular, daily exercise. This boosts metabolism, increases energy levels and helps to moderate our moods and emotions. The Hulk Hands exercise routine is simple, just put on your Avengers approved Hulk Hands, then find something that angers you and just let the rage flow! HULK SMASH HIS WAY TO A BETTER BODY. HULK HAS BETTER SELF ESTEEM ABOUT HULK BODY DUE TO HULK EXERCISE PLAN! Whew, what a workout!

If you thought the workout plan was fun and easy, just wait till you hear about the Hulk Hands meal plans. On the Hulk Hands diet, you can eat whatever you want! Yes, you heard/read me correctly. Eat whatever you want; whenever you want! It's easy. Whatever you can grasp, in your Hulk Hands, you can eat! The Hulk Hands Diet is FDA approved, contains NO stimulants and is gluten free!

Don't wait any longer to get the body you want and deserve! Hulk smash your way to a better body and a better you! Don't delay! Order your Hulk Hands Diet supplements and exercise plan today!

*Check with your insurance company to see if they cover damages caused by the Hulk Hands exercise routine. The Incredible Hulk is not responsible for damages caused by Hulk Hands.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Meat Heads

Ok, first of all, where have you been all my life wiki page devoted to racial slurs?! The hilarity is unending. Second of all, this web page is totally racist and not because of its racial slurs but because of its lack of racial slurs.

This site "claims" to list all racial slurs, alphabetically by ethnicity. Under the header "Individual Ethnicities" there are only 9 ethnicities listed. I'm pretty sure there are more than 9 ethnicities, in the world, and I need to know what their specific racial slurs are! You are racist wikipedia for lumping us all into 9 categories! I am French and my husband calls me a "frog eater". French isn't even listed on this site! People need to know that me and my people EAT FROGS!!! They are sooo delicious hopping up and down, past my beret, beneath my hairy armpits and inside my stomach!!! Whoever compiled/wrote this page is a total meat head.

Racism is never funny but Wikipedia is always hilarious.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

You Complete Me

It comes in BUCKETS here. My life is complete.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Dragnet:The Buffet Files

 "Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."  

I wish this story wasn't true but sadly it is. The most distressing part of this story being that I have been inside and proceeded to consume "food" products from the Golden Corral. If it makes you feel any better I did not pay for this "nourishment" and no, I didn't steal it either. My spouse and I were at the scene of the crime for a free military appreciation dinner. The "restaurant" was packed to the chocolate fountains with all kinds of miscreants, people on rascals, toddlers the size of small adults and stretch pants...oh the stretch pants. The health code violations abounded and the ambrosia salad runneth over...quite literally actually, it ran into the industrial size tub of ranch dressing. 

At approximately 8:55 pm (Eastern Standard Time), I became separated from my husband somewhere between the salad bar and the highly questionable "seafood" area. I was dressed casually, as one normally does when preparing to eat one's own body weight in hush puppies, soft serve ice cream and chicken tetrazzini. I was preparing to fill my soup bowl with my third helping of chicken pot pie soup (a truly unholy matrimony of foods, if ever there was one!) when a young man, no more than 17 years of age taps me on the shoulder. The adolescent stood no more than 6" 1' tall and the gauntness of his face, mixed with the rest of his slender frame and Insane Clown Posse (ICP) t-shirt caused me to question my own reality. How does one ingest a whole tray full of fried chicken and yet still appear to be so emaciated?  Surely, the demonry of ICP would hold these answers and more. Pulling me out of my own diabetically induced philosophical melt down the youth proceeded to ask me, "Do you come here often? Are you here with any one?" I remember thinking to myself, "Do I come here often? No, who goes to Golden Corral often? And, if I did, why would I admit to such a thing?" I immediately shooed the young man away with a ladle full of cream of broccoli soup and quickly sought out my non-teenaged husband. Later, in our "dinning" experience, the exact same teenager managed to get himself into a full on fist fight with another youth by the endless pizza bar. Police officers were called to the scene to apprehend both parties. 

I was left wondering. Did I miss out on the love of my life? Will the officer, in charge, accept this written testimony of love lost, weight gained, dignity cast away in a sea of jello salad and shame found in no less than three (Incredible Hulk sized)  servings of macaroni casserole. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Hans Christian Redenbacher

I would have edited this photo to underline and highlight the "Don't use the popcorn button" on these instructions but I don't own Photoshop because I don't own money. Great, now I just made myself sad. Someone Photoshop the pain away, please, also the tears.

Don't use the popcorn button?! What the H. E. double hockey sticks do I use it for then? I think this button is only used for those of us who want to get our gas station burritos perfectly frozen on the inside and yet fully engulfed in flames on the outside. Or, it has some kind of Hot Tub Time Machine function. Either way, there must be a story behind this...

Once upon a time in, let's say, Silicon Valley there was a handsome prince. This prince was the Vice President of General Electric (GE) and he loved popcorn! The prince loved all kinds of popcorn too, cheese popcorn, kettle corn, caramel corn, moose munch and even that stuff the Boy Scouts sell every year which will never trump a good Thin Mint but hey, a young man can dream can't he? The handsome prince loved popcorn so much that he was willing to marry it! Well, not exactly. He was in love with a princess, the Princess Orvilla Redenbacher of the Kernel Kingdom. There was just one problem, the evil overlord and supreme ruler of all the lands, Uncle Sam!!! (Enter dramatic musical theme)

 Uncle Sam had passed a law forbidding the merger of such large and vast kingdoms. Uncle Sam feared that the monopoly would one day usurp him and steal his throne. The supreme ruler of the land was not a dull king but a wise one. He had spies everywhere who he called his "attorneys". These attorneys were well aware of the secret love between Orvilla and the Vice President of GE. So, the evil overlord instituted a new law called the Food and Drug Administration. You see, the prince wanted to show just how great his affection for the princess was by installing an easy to use and consumer tested popcorn button on all of GE's microwaves. The princess was over joyed by this display of affection and immediately made super annoying lovey dovey status updates all over Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, bleh! (Excuse me) Uncle Sam used this turn of events to his advantage. He used the FDA to claim that microwaves were unsafe and the popcorn button was the most unsafe function on the device. He ordered the princess to add warning labels to all of her food stuffs that would tell the customer to NEVER use the popcorn button.

The president of GE was incredibly hurt by this slight of hand. His son had tried to help another kingdom and was given a slap in the face in return! The prince begged his father to reconsider the merger but to no avail. The company's ego was tarnished forever more and all thanks to that princess! So now, when you pop a bag of popcorn, please use the popcorn button on the microwave because it keeps the memory of true love alive, despite a court order stating otherwise.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Little Shop of Home Depot

All the the knowledge that I posses about botany emanates from the movie Little Shop of Horrors (A cult classic that my husband has never seen because he is a total mystery). With this being said, I do not understand the "Indoor Plants" section of the Home Depot. I assume, from the title, that these plants must be kept inside at all times no matter what, no matter how much the flower or herb begs you to go outside to play with all their other seedling friends and drink Capri Suns until the sun goes down.

How do these plants survive in the wild? They must be the genetically engineered dogs of the plant world. The pomeranians of greenery. I can't help but envision adorable little town houses, in the forest somewhere, that occur naturally and are housing these feeble little flora.

The only plants that I have managed NOT to kill have been cacti and succulents. After the zombie/Left Behind/Hunger Games/Terminator apocalypse and into our dystopian future few things will have survived except for roaches, cacti and Joan Rivers. I am positive that all these weak little bitch plants are going to be the first life forms to permanently die off.

My husband recently purchased a basil plant and so far, despite my best attempts, it is thriving. This plant requires constant sunshine and needs to be watered two times a day. Basil hales from Italy. It does not rain two times a day in Italy, where we live. I'm pretty sure that it doesn't even rain two times a day in the RAIN forest. I literally have no idea how this plant grows in the wild.

I just can't trust something that is so delicious, so high maintenance and yet an ultimate biological mystery, that is sold next to lawn gnomes at the Home Depot.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Give Credit Where Credit is Due

The majority of AWESOME ideas, floating around the universe right now, are mine. But, once in a great while, the torch is passed. I am not afraid to admit when I have been out done (which, sadly, is often). This is one of those great moments in our history when a true genius has risen to such great heights amongst us. A god amongst men. An idea so original and yet so simple.

Humanity has clear grand pianos (Thanks every pop band that sorta plays piano) which are totally pointless and probably sound like shit or more likely have an electric keyboard encased inside of a translucent grand shell (equally dumb). And yet, we can not use lucite to our advantage? For science?! I say thee nay! What else, in our lives, could be improved upon if they were only transparent. Perhaps our medical bills...(see what I did there?!) Politics, BOOM!

Monday, July 14, 2014

Dr. Bunson Honeydew, Esquire, Monsignor

"If you can't pronounce it don't eat it!" I love these kind of quotes that don't really make any sense, when you think about it. Many modern foods do contain chemicals, with long names, and it doesn't necessarily mean that these foods are bad for you. Phrases like these are just meant for the hive mind of people who can't do their own research. We don't have time anymore so we need others to do the research for us. Sometimes those doing the "research" are people like Beaker and Dr. Bunson Honeydew or they are people who write blogs (not unlike myself). If you have learned anything from my blog it is the fact that I know literally nothing. Please don't come to people like me for medical advice, science facts or news. Come to us for comedy and nothing more. I don't want my scientists telling jokes and I don't want my comedians doing high level mathematics. It's just good science!

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

My World Cup Runneth Over

Americans dislike soccer and here is why. The teams don't score enough: We need non-stop, in your face, Michael Bay action or we immediately lose interest. There aren't any "star" players: We come for the game but we stay for Dennis Rodman in a tutu. They are foreigners: Eh! It's like they are from Canada or something?  We don't understand the rules: The last time I got "carded" was at a bar.

Soccer is already a world wide sensation and here is why: All you really need to play soccer is a ball. Most countries that excel at soccer are very poor nations so naturally their youth cannot afford all the gear and "ice time" associated with hockey. Nobody owns a basketball hoop. Gear issue again for U.S. style football. Someone needs to own a huge net for volley ball and once AGAIN gear issue for baseball. These are the sports of wealthier nations and that's ok. But, soccer isn't going away so how can we, as Americans, learn to appreciate this sport?

Let's start with the scores. Most soccer games end in 0-0 matches or 1-0, 2-1 and that's about as much action as you're gonna get. It's like high school dating all over again! I suggest that U.S. broadcasters Photoshop in an explosion, every once in a while, like right in the middle of the field. This will keep any overly stimulated, ADHD American on the edge of their seat. We might also need cheer leaders...

No star players you say? Not enough drama? I beg to differ. In American sports we get caught up with the players' wives and families or their illegal dog fighting rings. Just tune in to the BBC every now and then to check up on the latest soccer player that was KILLED for not playing well. I wish I made that last part up but sadly that is true. If that isn't enough drama for you; you should probably seek medical attention for your blood thirst addiction.

They are foreigners. Well, you could start watching soccer and investing in the U.S. team and then there would be less foreigners. Maybe this is why the rest of the world doesn't like U.S. football? They are all at home just thinking, "Meh, foreigners." MIND BLOWN.

We don't understand the rules. I can't really expound upon this because I barely understand the rules of a relay race. Ball in net = GOOOOAAAL! Ball on field= sometime soon there will be a GOOOAAL!

I hope this helps, coming from someone who does not watch or care about sports.

Monday, July 7, 2014

The Fly

*No Jeff Goldblums were harmed in the writing of this blog.

Two flies have been ruining my life. They cannot be killed; they might even be terminators I'm not sure. We cannot kill them. We set up fly paper and this weird bottle of sugar water that the internet told us to make. Literally, nothing will kill these assholes. A better fly killer/trap needs to be invented but first let's look at the facts.

Flies don't actually want to be on your food, they want to be on YOU. The food is merely a segue to the closest human. These flies only bother me and my husband when we are innocently sitting on the couch sanz food. They just don't want us to watch anime all day long I guess. Jerks.
Okay, we need to create human shaped fly catchers/killers. This fly catcher will still need to be portable for use indoors and outdoors. I suggest an inflatable human and NO not one of those "love dolls" from an adult video store (you sicko). An inflatable human that is dressed like they just want to relax and not be bothered by flies. This inflatable humanoid will emit a sweet smell but then kill those stupid creatures on contact thru it's toxic skin! This item is not yet safe for children because it is still in the prototype phases of construction. Since it will be covered in bug poison, kids will, naturally, want to play with it. If you know of a way I can make this thing kid safe, let me know. This is a Think Tank, after all. I can't be a one woman Think Tank.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

A Meeting of Think Tanks (You Damn Dirty Apes!)

Totally forgot about this photo from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. This photo was taken right by the monkey/ape exhibit. This zoo allows orangutans to freely swing from a very high rope to get to one enclosure from another over the heads of many frightened tourists. It was a lot like Planet of the Apes with a little less Charlton Heston and 100% more Asian tourists taking photos of EVERYTHING.

The National Zoo is free to the public so if I was part of this Think Tank I would try to find new ways to raise money for the zoo. I'm thinking simian birthday cards. You get to pick out the ape and then an underpaid zoo intern places your monkey at a typewriter to compose a wholly unique greeting card for your loved one! Sincere notes would include such kind words as, "ALSDkfjilsdij8678", "g88fioooooooo000000" and my personal favorite "--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------". I figure if people are dumb, I mean LOVING enough to buy elephant music and penguin foot paintings that it is about time our simian brethren had their chance to turn a trick, express themselves creatively and earn their keep. You can't put a price on the tender writings of an ape but if you did it would be $49.95 and available for purchase in the gift shop.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

It's Pronounced, " 'Merica "

Things I miss from America:
Driving everywhere
Live music
Theme Parks and water parks

Things I don't miss from America:
Country music
Guns (Ask me why guns are on both lists)
Fox News
Reality TV
Super sized things
Salt water taffy
Pick-up trucks and (more specifically) pick-up truck drivers

America, like anywhere and anyone, has it's good side and it's bad. She will ask you to take photos of her only after she has sucked in her gut and within that gut is Honey Boo Boo. America wants you to know about all of it's freedoms and proud history but not about reality TV and churches such as Hobby Lobby or is it a business...wait it might be a person too?

 America is confusing, at times,  and she keeps you guessing like a theme park based around the history of the Bible. I can honestly say, that through all of my travels, America is the weirdest place I have ever been/lived. That is what makes the United States so great! It's weird and you don't have to like it or apologize. Just wait. America is always cookin' something up. If you are tired of Republicans they will flip flop with the Democrats, eventually. If you can't stand country music just wait for the country/rock backlash where true musicians rise up and fight the tyranny of, "She Thinks my Tractor's Sexy".

 America is liquid just like the great Mississippi River or the Guadalupe; ever flowing and ever changing. America is more than just a land mass. It's ideals. It's Taco Bell. It's the constitution. It's Forever 21 and Elizabeth Warren. It's ridiculous and sincere. It has it's faults, mainly the San Andreas but also Sunny D (What is that stuff?!). Just like family members, we complain about them when their there but we miss them when they are gone. I do miss you America, the good and the bad. Wait, I take that back I just don't miss Honey Boo all. 'Merica!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

$30 Flights and Other Mythical Creatures

People are constantly telling me how cheap travel in Europe is and those people are full of doo doo. Travel in Europe IS cheap if you are willing to whore yourself across the continent and I'm all outta tricks people.  I'm always hearing about $30 plane flights to all of these amazing places. When I go to book my flight I end up paying $800. If I tell people how much I paid for my plane tickets I immediately receive scoffs, "What?! I only paid $100 for that same flight?! Why didn't you go to X or Y website to book?!" Umm, I did go to those websites and they do have cheap flights IF you want to fly out of someplace that is 4 hours away from your local airport, at 3 AM., fly for 12 hours with an 8 hour layover in a town you have never even heard of and then you would have to immediately fly back the next day. Those are the only $30 flights that exist.  If I did receive a $30 plane ticket, that should have been $800, I would just assume that that plane would take me to the island from LOST and I am not about that.

Other lies:
"I made $500 in tips last night, as a waitress, at Applebee's"
"Santa Claus"
"The Toothe Fairy"
"You can't put a price on education!" (Yes, yes you can and it's too damn high)
"There are other fish in the sea." (Gross, who wants to date a fish, sick)
"The Easter Bunny"
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away"
"You can write off your gas on your taxes"
"I was upgraded to first class for free!"

Other mythical creatures:
Non-stop flights
Comfortable airline seats
Babies that don't cry
...or poop
Husbands who HATE sports

Saturday, June 28, 2014

The 29 Year Itch

Everyone struggles, from time to time, in their own way but someone with a skin disease suffers in a very unique way (why do you think the Hulk was always so sad!).

Let's say you have diabetes, lupus, chron's, rheumatoid arthritis, cancer the list goes on but with all these diseases is a common thread, more often than not, you cannot see these illnesses. Don't get me wrong, these are awful diseases and they all come with their own unique struggles and one is not necessarily worse than the other but at least, with many of these diseases, you don't have to shout your malady to the world every time you go to the grocery store. You don't have to answer questions like, "Are you contagious?" "Is it painful?" "How do you get rid of it?" "Is it everywhere?". My favorite (some of these people are very well meaning) is when people try to offer you medical advice, as if, your skin DISEASE is somehow your fault? "Have you tried, insert hippy organic treatment?" "I don't think you are moisturizing enough." "You must be allergic to gluten" "I'm sure it will go away on it's own". Next time you want to say something like this imagine saying those same phrases to someone in a wheelchair or someone who has cancer.

Fun historical fact: Many modern day scholars and archaeologists (possibly Indiana Jones) believe that most "Biblical era" cases of leprosy were, in fact, just people with psoriasis. These people were sent to die in leper colonies!

There's nothing wrong with having questions but when I encounter someone with a disease, that I have never hear of before, and I want to learn more about it. I go home and I WebMD the shit out of it! That way I don't have to possibly embarrass someone and I gain even more knowledge for my already massive brain, mwuahahahaha!

Don't feel bad if you have done/said any or all of the above statements to me, in the past. I just felt like a rant today and I am on some good drugs for my skin and am feeling and looking pretty good. I like to remember the bad times, when I am good, so that I don't forget about everyone else who is struggling right now. Someone once said, "It's not easy being green", I'm pretty sure that person was Winston Churchill.