Saturday, May 31, 2014

Time Lords and Alternate Titles

Every time I go to a museum I am on the look out for "time lords". I have written about this subject before but for those of you who missed that web log (I'm sure you have greeeaaat excuses) I will clue you in on what a time lord is. A time lord is someone who does not age and has the capability of traveling thru time and he or she will often show up in ancient artifacts or art, itself. I submit for your review exhibit A:

If you are familiar with South Park, it will be easy for you to see that this is clearly a portrait of Miss Chokes on Dick. I find this odd because not only is Miss Chokes on Dick a fictional cartoon character but apparently she is also a time lord. 

Exhibit B:

What happens in Fight Club stays in the Chrysler Museum of Art. Edward Norton is quite the lady and a very talented time lord, as well.

This next submission is highly spiritual Exhibit C:

Jamie Fox as the Buda. Jamie went from triple threat, singer, actor and dancer to truly enlightened being. Now, that's a hip time lord. 

The next submissions are what I like to call, "Alternate Titles". These artists are extremely talented and even ground breaking but let's face it. They suck at naming their precious artwork, so I have submitted to you, the reader, more accurate titles to these wonderful masterpieces of art history. 

Exhibit A: 

Title, "Nah, Girl Like This. Here Let Me Show You."
This guy has some sweet ancient game. Mackin' on that hot lady with his sweet pan pipe chops! No lady could resist.

Exhibit B:  

Title, "The Fuck You Say To Me?"
This master clearly saw the small yet significant nuances of human social interactions with his master work, "The Fuck You Say To Me?". 

Friday, May 30, 2014

Because Wine

I might not be writing too much within the next week because I am moving to Italy. Why am I moving to Italy, you ask? Because wine. I am going to try to keep up with a blog a day, per usual, but be warned if I skip a couple of days here and there. I might be mid air above the Atlantic, in which, no blogs. Because wine.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Karaokeing at Life

Some people can sing, some people can't sing and some people "look" like they can sing. Karaoke is fun. Mario Kart is fun. Eating jelly donuts is fun. Ultimate Frisbee is fun. But, you shouldn't get awards for any of these things or even be featured on national television for your amazing donut eating capabilities, your intense Mario Kart skills or fake singing to, "It's Raining Men". Hilarious it might be but award winning it is not. This is coming from someone who (undeservedly got 2nd place at a karaoke contest).

Karaoke "artists" should team up with air guitarists and start composing fake music. Why are people being celebrated for these non-skills? Also, lip-syncing? Why are you a thing? You can be hilarious when a tiny white girl mimes the words to a rap song but that is really just acting under a different name and actors already get awards for practicing a "real" craft. I think that real artists should be totally offended by this trend! What if I just walked into my dentist's office and started miming dentistry and then stole all of the doctor's patients to my new and hilarious dental practice? Cavities would get filled with bubblegum and jelly donuts...ironically, also how you get cavities, in the first place.

I am going to start "karaokeing" to things that I suck at, in life, for comedic effect but also to shift the attention away from just how terrible I am at certain activities and by "certain activities", I mean life.

Instead of actually working out, I'm just going to karaoke it?! Mime everyone on all the machines and make fun of all there inappropriate grunting and lifting of heavy objects, for no reason.

Why clean your house when you can karaoke? Just look like you are cleaning! For more fun, I suggest filling all cleaning bottles with cheap vodka so you can drink in between "karaoke" sets or "cleaning".

Sometimes I "karaoke" at being nice to people and their faces. But, don't we all do this? You just didn't know it! You are a karaoke master!!

I also have a 5 octave range when it comes to "karaoke" my dental hygiene. I only floss the night before a dentist's appointment and yet I have never even had a cavity? The karaoke gods have smiled upon me!

I dare you to out karaoke me! Hmm, we might need to set up some kind of award system to figure this out.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Modern Antique

I am in love with modern design and home furnishings. The problem is that this is the style of rich people. Modern is modern because it's modern. Did I just blow your mind? Well, I blew my mind just then. Modern is constantly and often changing with the times; otherwise it wouldn't be modern. This means that you can't just walk into a Goodwill, Salvation Army or used furniture store and hope to get any good quality modern furniture. Of course, there is always IKEA but let's be honest, I can barely order a fancy coffee from Starbucks let alone read Swedish hieroglyph instructions. Also, if I am going to put in the 9 hours that it takes to build a Billy Book Case, that damn book case better last a life time.

Here is what I suggest. We need a modern antique store. Rich people need to redecorate, at least, every five years. So, where does all that rich people modern furniture go? It needs to go to me, inside my tiny house on the bad side of town, is where it needs to go. I don't want country crap, stuff covered in burlap, stupid wooden signs that say, "Home Is Where the Heart Is". Honestly, I actually wish that I loved that stuff because I would save a lot of money on decorating.

My house needs to be living in a Clock Work Orange future! Sans all the theft, murder and weird eye-make-up. My budget is severely lacking to afford such a life style. So, for now, my house is (stylistically) in a Clock Work Poor.

Rich people unite! Sell your home goods to the Modern Antique store and make even more money off of your gently used furniture so that I can roughly use them until the next trend arises in Stanley Kubrick films and home design.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Median Income at a Slayer Concert Is Food Stamps

I went to a Primus concert last night and I was at the bottom of a diverse group of unemployed white people. I don't know why I was surprised by this? What could you expect from an audience listening/trance dancing to a 25-year-old prog-rock, instrumental, power trio. Watching these tattooed tiny dancers just begged the question, "Who is manning the Blockbuster?". Oh, right, Blockbusters don't exist anymore, at least not on this mortal plane. I can only assume, that sense companies are now people, they can finally go to heaven or hell when they pass from this Earth. I had some good times at the Blockbuster, so I like to think that it is now in movie heaven. The better question might be, "Who is manning the Dairy Queen?". What if I want a Dilly Bar in the middle of Les Claypool's sick bass solo? Who will supply me with said Dilly Bar? Heaven forbid I require a small weather system of soft serve ice-cream blasted with candy pieces. You can't just get a Blizzard any where people!

My friend "Steve" is really into Primus, Slayer, Bucket Head and the Jonas Brothers. Oops, sorry Steve. Your secret is out. I am really friends with Steve's wife Stacey...I know, alliteration is so adorable. I wondered if Steve was also at this concert but I immediately wrote Stacey off, as not in attendance. After I had this thought, I realized something. I don't actually know what kind of music Stacey listens to? I just assumed that she doesn't listen to Primus! Why would I assume such a thing? Probably, because she doesn't have any visible tattoos, piercings, gauges (gross) or unnatural hair color. She also can't possibly listen to Primus because she is a new mother (of her early 30's not a teenage mother. Teenage mother's totally listen to Primus with their dead beat boyfriends and, when left to their own devices, listen to K$sha.). But, the main reason as to why she does not listen to Primus is because SHE HAS A JOB. Successful business people do not listen to jam bands, heavy metal or prog-rock. Oh there are always exceptions to the rules but those people don't REALLY listen to these types of music. You can't REALLY listen to a band like Primus totally sober, at a respectable volume, in your electric car, next to a car seat, early in the day/evening with a Starbucks coffee in hand and under a hairdo that would not be considered dread locks.

We can't all be Primus fans because the world needs Dilly Bars and because the world needs doctors, lawyers and scientists...but that's just a matter of opinion.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

My Biggest Problem with Full House Is the Hitler Youth

I loved Full House as a kid and by, "loved Full House", I mean was in love with John Stamos. The main fault of the show was not it's cheesy life lessons, happy go-lucky family dynamics or unrealistic hair trends (80's or not that was some incredible hair).

The genetics of the show just don't add up. John Stamos was cast as the uncle to these three Aryan nation looking little girls. In the show, John's sister was the girls' mother. We can only assume John's sister looked somewhat like Uncle Jesse. I envision some sort of Greek goddess. There is no way that a Greek Adonis gave birth to the freakin' Hitler Youth, on the show. These girls should have been swarthy, baklava lovin', little Grecians.

If you are a casting director, reading this, please get your genetics right. Also, if you are a casting director reading this, I have uploaded my resume, portfolio, head shots and the play bill from, "Angels Away" (My last onstage performance as "Angel #3"-no dialogue; I was 7).
"The performance was unforgettable" -my mom
"Hailed as a triumph in acting" -my dad
"Only made me want to puke twice" -my kid brother

P.S. ( Casting director) I can play Greek, Italian or Spanish but not Aryan nation.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Debtor's Prison, see: Student Loan Debt

Can we please just bring back debtor's prison? I think I would rather do time for 5 years instead of paying on my student loans FOR THE REST OF MY NATURAL LIFE. Having student loan debt feels a lot like prison. Things I cannot do/have because of my crushing debt include but are not limited too:

Owning a home
Having kids (if I wanted them)
Owning a car
Going on vacation
Having a savings account (with more than $5 in it at any given time)
Having a retirement plan
Following my dream of owning a herd of horses so that I can stampede into battle whenever I feel like it
Doing lots and lots of designer drugs
Owning $1,000 shoes that will hurt my feet so bad that I will never actually wear them but I will feel better about myself just KNOWING I own them and that they are in my closet
Following the band Phish around the country in a shady looking VW van and selling beads out the back of said van to pay for all the concert tickets and designer drugs
Owning an expensive hypo-allergenic dog
Expensive wine (and by "expensive" I mean $15 wine)
Sun dried tomatoes...ON EVERYTHING
Becoming a world champion polo player/astronaut (I assume these are the activities of those with no student loan debt)

Seriously, I just want to do some hard time for my crime of getting a fine arts degree. I confess. Put the handcuffs on me and take me away!

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Three Syllable Names or D.B.A's

In this modern era, we no longer have the time write out whole sentences. BC FML WRKING 2 L8 2 WRITE. Heck, we don't even have the time to watch an entire 5 minute video. We need 10 second long Vine videos. We need super high speed internet and Vortex beer bottles because, apparently, beer was not getting to our mouths quick enough.

Therefore, in respect to modern time constraints, I suggest that we finally just get rid of three syllable names, altogether. This has slowly been happening, over the years, already. Example: Christopher = Chris. I don't think I have EVER uttered the name Christopher, outside of a Winnie the Pooh book, in my life. Just name your kid Chris, for God's sake. Jonathan, don't even get me started. John, your name is John. It was always John and it will always be John. You are only Jonathan on your driver's license, birth certificate and death certificate. And, when you do kick the bucket, people will say, "Who was Jonathan? I thought we were here for John's funeral?"

Kimberley, what are you a Knock-off Barbie doll? Your name is Kim. Bethany, your name is Beth. People only use their full names when in some sort of trouble or when they are applying for a business permit. No self-respecting bank would trust a Chris. I'm pretty sure the pot dealer behind my house is named Chris. But, Christopher is a different story! That guy's got class; he hangs out with Winnie the Pooh and goes on all sorts of adventures! Let's give him a business loan. Chris's D.B.A is Christopher but only he and the bank know that.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Fixed Income

People keep using the term "fixed income" in reference to the elderly, as if it is a bad thing? Now, if you're fixed income is $100 a week then yes, this is a bad thing. But, people act as if a "fixed income" alone is a bad thing? What if your fixed income is $500,000 a year?! Cry me a river and sail down in it your golden yacht. Why is a fixed income a bad thing? I WISH I had a fixed income. Every month is a guessing game, as to, just how much money I made/ didn't make. What job did I lose? What job did I gain this month.

The elderly no longer have the opportunity to make any more money due to their fixed income but they also don't have the opportunity to make any less either. Now, don't get me wrong here. I am not trying to bash a sweet, little old lady over her social security checks. What I am bashing are phrases that don't make any sense. A fixed income is not necessarily a bad thing. Even if I do make more money next year it won't be enough to change my life style, go on vacation or put some extra cash into savings. I would be lucky, if I could super size my meal at McDonald's.

The bottom line is we ALL live on "fixed incomes", for the most part. Your job pays what it pays and most people don't get raises anymore, like they used to. Of course, you can climb the corporate ladder but once you get that higher paying job it just becomes your new fixed income.

I prefer "fixed" to "wildly oscillating income".

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

I'm registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond for our Divorce

The divorce rate in America is about 50%. Fifty percent of all marriages will end in divorce. Why do it? If I went to the movies and there was a 50/50 shot that I would like said movie, I just wouldn't go. I would wait and watch it on TV for free or for whatever the cable company charges me every month for there vast, often times too vast (ESPN the Ocho), services.

People take a night out at the movies more seriously than marriage. How do we, as a society, fix this problem? Maybe, divorce should cost as much as a wedding. If you paid $10,000 on your marriage you should have to pay $10,000 in taxes, for the year of your divorce. Obviously, you would be exempt for your, "Reasons for Divorce". Say, if your husband beats you or if your spouse turned out to be a giant whore. Like, seriously, a GIANT whore. Someone who grew 50 feet over night and then sexed up everyone within a 10 mile radius. That seems fair. Where would these tax dollars go you ask? Driving down the national we can afford more weddings.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, "Man I have to poop right now. I wish blogs had commercial breaks so that I could go poop." Don't worry, I'll wait....waiting....waiting...oh, you're back! Let's continue. You might also be thinking, "Well, my wedding didn't cost $10,000 because I got married at the court house for $75." Don't worry, I have a devious plan for you cheap skates! Court house weddings that can be proven to have cost less than $1,000 will be treated like bankruptcy upon divorce. Your credit will be ruined but no extra taxes, that year.

I think this plan would greatly inhibit the divorce rate in America. It would also inhibit the rate of marriage, as well. People might be less likely to just jump into something if they knew of ALL the consequences that lay ahead of them if their gamble crumbles. People might even REALLY work on their marriages to keep them afloat. Some might even start to shrink from their GIANT whore status'. Seriously, like 50 foot tall whore/man-whores...weird.