Monday, September 22, 2014

Cat Infestation

I can't say that I have ever suffered from any kind of "infestation" before. Once, when I was in college, I did have a short-term hippy infestation but that issue resolved itself once I ran out of food and we were all forced to venture out into the wild and forage for chicken McNuggets.

My current apartment is riddled with the demon spawn known to many as "cats". What disturbs me is that if I had a rat infestation I could poison them, guillotine them, smash them with a boot, gas them or chemically neuter them. Why can't I just use one of these methods with all these mangy, disease ridden cats? Oh right, cats are peoples' pets. So are rats or mice. Rats/mice also help cure diseases in medical studies. If you ask me, rats are awesome and seem to being pulling their weight. Cats, on the other hand, are lazy pieces of crap, they don't cure diseases, they only spread them and they probably killed the dinosaurs...probably. Have I mentioned I hate cats?

I went on a run tonight and one of "Satan's minions" jumped a fence and started chasing me. This cat was missing half of its fur and probably had rabies (zombie virus). Am I blowing this out of proportion? Probably. Should I be prepared for the "Zombie Cat Apocalypse"? Definitely.

This cat epidemic has gone too far. Someone is going to get hurt. It's us or them. It's a cat eat cat world. Every cat has it's day. These cats are running out of lives. All cats go to hell. These cats are a devils best friend. Give a cat a pitchfork. Could I come up with more terrible dog/cat puns? Yes. Will I? No. Why? Because you managed to read this far and I feel like we are friends now and friends don't torture friends with awful puns.

In the meantime someone needs to invent a "Cat-Away Spray". Oh wait that already exists. It's called Holy Water.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Orange is the New Black

I refuse to watch Orange is the New Black and here is why. Netflix has sucked for quite some time now. I can't find classic movies, new movies or more than one season of almost any show that they offer and I don't understand why they can't host every movie/show created through out time? You have the power of the internet behind your company? I used to go to an old video store called the Naro Video Exchange and this place from the 1970's had a much wider selection of new and old movies and TV shows. They even kept up with the times with Blu-rays and other such nonsense. The guy who worked behind the counter looked to be about 70 years old, wore coke-bottle glasses and had a handle bar mustache. How did THAT guy get a better selection of movies than a massive company like Netflix?!

I don't like conspiracy theories (unless, we're talking about the tooth fairy THAT BITCH IS REAL). Not really a "theory" I guess, so much as a fictitious person. So, let me clarify, I DO NOT believe in conspiracy theories but I DO believe in mythical beings? Now, I'm confused. Here is my conspiracy theory which DOES NOT include the tooth fairy.

I think Netflix is cramming all of their "original programming" down our throats? Down our eyeballs? That's gross. Shows like Orange is the New Black, Arrested Development and Knights of Sydonia get our immediate attention because there isn't anything else worth watching on Netflix, most of the time. This boosts ratings for their own programming; which, they can produce and air for a fraction of the cost of buying the rights to all these other films and shows to rent out on their website or in the mail. Right now, 90% of what I see on Netflix are shitty B-movies, which I have discussed here before. They are cheap so Netflix buys an ass load of them!

I'm sure that Orange is the New Black is just as great as everyone says it is but out of principal I just can't watch it. Get some better "rented" programming, Netflix, and then I will start to watch your original programs.

Orange is the New Netflix

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

May the Force Be with You

I often times wonder what rock stars REALLY think about their fans and by "rock stars" I mean "one hit wonders".

I just got to see the Plain White Ts (for free) and because I was bored. That last sentence is me trying to be "cool" so you don't think that I like pop music because I really only listen to T Rex, Phil Keaggy and Ghostland Observatory...because I am "cool". "Cool" me would NEVER listen to the Plain White Ts...

Anyways, while I was at this concert I realized that I was one of the OLDEST people there! (Tell your mom to go home!!!!!) This band's last hit single came out in, I believe 2006, and yet everyone at this concert was 12 year old girls? When did they hear this song? Was it in the womb? I don't know. What I do know is that these little ladies were riding a tidal wave of hormones. Yelling, screaming, waving and dressing very grown up. Few things are more fun than watching the ovaries of prepubescent girls exploding over 32 year old, grown, ass, men with guitars. What do these girls think will come of their screams and short skirts?

I can't imagine that a 32 year old, wealthy, married and mustachioed man is thinking to himself. "Man, you know what I love?! Chubby 12 year old girls." He doesn't think that because
 1: That's gross 2: Most men like boobs 3: That's illegal

To be fair, my first celebrity crush was Harrison Ford, in a time when all other girls were swooning over Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Nothing is weirder than a slumber party conversation over crushes, that goes like this: "Who do you like?" "I like JTT" "I like N'SYNC" "I like the Back Street Boys" "I like HARRISON FORD from 1977 STAR WARS BECAUSE I AM WEEEEIIIIRD!!!!"

Chillax little girls and "May the force be with you".

Friday, September 5, 2014

Joan Rivers the Original Funny Woman

I once said, "Two things will exist after the apocalypse, cockroaches and Joan Rivers." Well, some might argue with me but I am pretty sure we are not living in our dystopian future. But perhaps, Joan is still with us; God knows plastic isn't biodegradable! Too soon? Joan would say, "Not soon enough!".

That's what made her so great/hilarious. People who are truly funny will laugh with us even if the joke's on them. Thanks for letting us laugh with you and at you Joan.

I hope she is in Heaven, right now, mocking all the angels for wearing tunics. "Hey! 100 B.C. called and they want their man-dresses back!"

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Traveling on a Budget

Who doesn't travel on a budget? Doesn't everyone have a budget? I mean, even Kanye West has a budget, right? I'm sure if Kanye didn't have a budget that instead of staying at fancy hotels that he would just buy each hotel he stayed at, right? Or buy a home in every place he stayed at? That is a BIG budget but it is still a budget.

I have a significantly smaller budget than Kanye West. Trust me, I am as shocked as you are by that statement. So, I have compiled some more travel tips for the poor, the broke, the college kid, the 30 yr. old who still thinks they are a college kid and those who just don't understands "budgets".

I try to pack as light as humanly possible so that the air line won't charge me for an over-sized bag or for extra luggage. So, things like perfume don't come with me on vaca; instead, every morning, I go to a fancy department store, find the most expensive perfume and spray myself with it. The 100 euro perfume really washes away the stank of hostel living.

Ok now you are smellin' fresh! Now what? You want to hit up a club you say? All those guys on the beach passing out flyers? TAKE EVERY ONE OF THEM. Lost in the "Jim Belushi" of marketing you will find at least one free entrance to a club. GO TO THAT CLUB. It could be the best experience of your life OR the most hilarious.

Beverages? I'm not talkin' about Capri Suns here, although Capri Suns are delicious. Damn! Now I want a Capri Sun. Oh well. While out at bars, on vacation, don't order mixed drinks! Fancy places will put almost zero booze in them and then proceed to charge you 11 euros for said beverage. Stick to beer and wine. You are so classy right now with your 100 euro scent and Schlitz beer! Here, let me put an umbrella in that beer for you. Now, isn't that better? I can now charge you at LEAST 8 euros for that beer!

Try out these travel tips on your next vaca. I want to hear about them! Stay classy globetrotters!