Saturday, February 15, 2014

The Teapot and Other Useless Sh*t

Why don't people still use butter churns or laser discs or nano pets anymore? Probably because we live in a place I like to call the "now". I love churning my own homemade, cage-free, all-natural, low-fat, hypo-allergenic, earth-friendly, homogenized, gluten-free, unsalted butter but who has the time? No one that's who. Also, where do I store my butter churn in my 1 bedroom apartment in the middle of the city? It's not a very good accent piece because it smells like old butter and it is starting to attract raccoons. My lease clearly states, "No Pets". There just isn't a place, in this modern world, for butter churns, digital pets and giant laser discs yet we insist on keeping our teapots.

The teapot is about as antiquated as a butter churn but without all the raccoons. When I watch someone pull out a tea kettle from their bottom shelf and fill it with water and then put it on their stove top next to their microwave, I want to call up the History Channel and alert them to this ancient (possibly alien) technology.

Did you not see the microwave? Do you know you are probably wasting water in that tea kettle (not earth friendly, earth unfriendly). Did you also miss the pot that was already on the stove and is a multi-tasker. Not only can a pot boil water for Ramen noodles but it can also boil water for tea...if you like Ramen flavored tea.

Using a tea kettle is the equivalent of staring science in the face and saying, "F*ck you! I'm gonna go live in the woods, worship Pan the Goat God, eat raw meet, befriend these raccoons and I'm not even gonna upgrade to the iPhone 5S!!!!".

Thursday, February 13, 2014

I Don't Know What Is Real Anymore!

"Valentine's Day was made up by the card companies!", "It's not real!", "Just another reason to consume.", "It's only there to make single people feel worse.". I've heard it all and all of these statements are pretty factual except for the statement that Valentine's Day "Is not real". It's as real as Christmas people and here is why:

Christmas: No one actually knows when Christ was born. The date was stolen from pagan winter solstice traditions. Celebrating it is not even mentioned in the Bible or as a major tenant of the Christian faith. Today we eat candy and ask for gifts that we can't afford nor deserve.

Halloween: Pagan and Christian roots. All Hallows Eve was meant to commemorate the glorious dead such as Saints. Today we eat candy while dressed as whores and Captain Kirk.

Easter: Has roots in Judaism. This holiday takes place during Passover and even employs some of the feasting traditions. The date chosen for Easter also has some pagan roots. News flash, today we eat shit tons of candy and play with bunnies.

Thanksgiving: Two cultures came together to help each other and then celebrated with a feast from their productive harvest. Today the only "culture" we want at our dinner table is our own family and even that is a bother. "Why do I have to press 2 for English? !'Merica!!". We eat a shit ton of food and talk about how much more we are going to eat on Christmas.

Valentine's Day: Saint Valentine of Rome performed weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians. Today we eat a (shocker) shiiiit ton of candy and make-out with each other.

You don't have to like Valentine's Day but you can't deny that it is in fact "real". God knows that the 10 pounds of V-Day candy I just ate is real...too real.

Monday, February 10, 2014

How to Win at the Olympics part II

Men's/ Women's Short Track: If this team event of speed skating wasn't dangerous enough for you let's add another element. Spikes to the skates. Just like in ancient times of yore, adding spikes to your chariot wheels guaranteed your win and the blood of your enemies! After you have tripped all your other competitors with your skate spikes be sure to thank me at the podium right after you yell, "FOR ROME!"

Ice Dancing: This is a tricky one since you technically aren't even in a sport here. Usually, you can't wear tutus or bow ties in sports but I will humor you. The difficulty here is the fact that you aren't going face to face against the competition but rather taking turns ( lame I know but we must look past this). The only way to win is to leave shitty ice for the next couple. The night before drink NOTHING but water. The day of, drink nothing but water. During the performance pee every chance you get. Your clear undetectable urine will freeze onto the ice thus creating little hills all over the surface of the ice. When your rivals enter the rink they will trip and fall all over your piss mountains. With any luck, one such fall will be during a lift causing the woman to go flying into the stands and decapitating one of the judges. This couple will then be taken out of the competition and banned from figure skating for eternity.

Moguls: Winning in this sport is going to cost you an arm and a leg but honestly two legs; no arm. 2 years in advance you will need to travel to the Czech-Republic for a new, elective surgery called the Dr. Moreau. Both of your legs will be sliced off and kangaroo legs will be put in their place. After the surgery you will have to undergo some physical therapy but the pay off will be the capability to literally jump over the competition. Or foot punch them in the face with skis on it's up to you. I really just wanted to give some freedom of choice in this one.

Every two years I have to reiterate to people that the Winter Olympics are just far more superior to the summer games. Every sport is in harsh frigid conditions, there is always an element of death and your partner is more often than not a f*cking mountain!

Oh you swam? You ran in a circle? You jumped over some stuff? You hit a ball? I flew off Mount Doom at 70 mph, in my underoos  and suffered frost bite! Be a man and get some skis!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Prune Juice the Dr. Who of Juices

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Creationism or evolution? Can we really be sure? I say thee nay! I give you prune juice!

How does one juice a fruit that has already been dried out? Is there any juice left at all and if so how many plums are needed to make just one cup of prune juice? There are about 40 individual grapes in just one cup of grape juice. A plum is about 4 times the size of a large purple grape which should equal 10 plumes per glass of "plum" juice or 40 prunes to one cup of prune juice. Holy urinary tract infection batman that is a lot of fucking prunes! And, keep in mind that this is only a rough estimate.

I think the bigger question here is why is there no plum juice? There's plum wine but no juice? Only prune juice?! That would be like if there was no such thing as grape juice, only raisin juice. Gross. No cranberry juice only craisin juice. I just don't understand it. I think the only "real" explanation is that Dr. Who has brought some plums from the future and once exiting the tardis they immediately aged but they became an instant hit with the people of earth regardless because they belonged to the Dr. and his "prune juice" also offers us, mere mortals, with just a bit of his anti-aging properties thru these ancient plums...or at least that is the best explanation I can come up with.

Just when you think the universe is all out of mysteries, it hands you effing prune juice.