Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Navient A.K.A Mephistopheles (He Who Avoids the Light) and the Battle for my Student Loans

I am in a very weird situation. The situation is good financial standing. I'm quite sure that this won't last for long. The spell will probably end at midnight and my car will turn into a pair of mismatched Old Navy flip flops but for now I am the bell of the ball!

Don't worry, I am being responsible, no jets, no Dom Perignon, just student loans, paying on my student loans. As many of you know, Sallie Mae has transformed into an even more sinister entity known as Navient.

With my extra cash, I went online and tried to put some additional money on my loans, that are handled by Navient (aka the Dark Lord). Long story short, the Navient (He who shall not be named) website was malfunctioning. You would think that they could use my $54,000 towards an IT department but, I digress. I called customer service. Pro-tip. If you want to speak to a human there is a great website called but if that doesn't work then just scream the words FUCK YOU into your phone at the recorded menu...someone will redirect your call so that you can yell FUCK YOU to a real live human! It's fun!

Next, I spoke to a nice Indian woman who just took my funds over the phone since neither of us could figure out what the website problem was or how to fix it. My representative then proceeds to tell me (And this is where I lost my mind), "Ok, your payment has gone through and I have waved the $14 phone processing fee since you were having technical issues with our online site." This company was going to charge me money in order to take my money? That's the inception of getting fucked! This company already has all my bank account information because my payments are automatic. In this instance I was trying to give (the Devil) MORE money than my automated monthly payments. At least the call was recorded so that someone will hear my rage...probably not do anything about it but at least SOMEONE, other than me, will suffer my wrath.

A business that already has all my bank account and credit card information has chosen to use Western Union. I didn't even know that company still existed. My money is currently traveling along the Orient Express and then will ride on the Pony Express to it's Manifest Destiny. I can only imagine the banker who is handling this transaction is sporting a monocle and handlebar mustache. I hope this banker picks up some kick-ass spices on the Silk Road as he journeys to the Navient headquarters on the shore of the River Styx.

Also, if you look closely at this photo you can just tell how dumb I am because the other tab that is open in this photo is titled, "how to take a screenshot". At least, through this infuriating situation, I finally learned how to take a screenshot; next I will be tackling emojis and text messaging. It's as if I just missed the '90's. I'm just now getting caught up. What is this "AIM" that all the kids are talking about?

What is the lesson here? If you sign your name to student loans with Navient, you have just made an actual deal with the devil and you might learn how to play the guitar or fiddle but won't have a soul anymore. Navient (Beelzebub) has your soul and a $14 processing fee...needed to take your soul via Western Union.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Catch the Wave at Pompeii!

Apparently, people died at Pompeii. Did you know this? Because Pompeii assumes that you were unaware of the massive death toll during the city's infamous volcanic explosion.

Here are the remains of a citizen of ancient Pompeii who, I can only assume, died in the fury of Vesuvius but let's look closer, shall we?


You mean to tell me that this guy didn't make it?! Lava flows can kill?! I thought he would have lived. This guy looks pretty good to me? I can't believe he's dead. I just thought everybody boogie boarded outta there on top of the Big Sur lava ocean?! I learned sooo much at Pompeii!!! Highly educational BUT there were far too many Asian tourists so I am gonna have to give Pompeii 1 star on Trip Advisor....

Saturday, March 7, 2015

LAPD Purgatory

Where do we go when we die? Were you a bad person, like not returning your shopping cart bad or supreme leader/evil dictator bad? Were you a good person, like lending books to people when you know that they will NEVER return them to you type good or like Saint Mother Theresa type good? Maybe you will go to heaven. Maybe you will go into the hellscape of a Bosch painting. I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life but I will tell you how I would like mine to end.

For some morbid reason, I have given death a lot of thought. Should I be cremated? Buried? Should my body be used for science or fodder for a future tree. Last night I realized that I want my remaining body or body parts, whatever is left really, to be turned into a Robocop. I will try to put this into my will but I need to find an attorney who has experience with Robo-Law. If I become paralyzed, Robocop. If I need life support to survive, Robocop. If my body simply won't make it and death is the only other option, Robocop.

My husband said that he will leave me if I am turned into a Robocop. That's fine because after my transformation I will bury myself in my police work and other Robo-activities such as, TALKING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS WITH NO DISCERNIBLE EMOTION, INTONATION OR ACCENT, cleaning my gun while hanging upside down from a door frame and also I am blindfolded for some reason, walking without swinging my arms, oiling all my Robo-joints, playing fetch with my new Robo police dog that was specially designed by the K9 unit of the police department. The dog's name will be Terabyte.

My new Robo-body will offer me eternal life and, in return, the people of Los Angeles will receive an eternity of prodigious justice. I won't need a funeral or memorial service. Instead, I will be issued a Glock 17, a badge and extreme authority. Detective RoboDonna is reporting for duty.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

A Wrinkle in Time

I regret to inform you that time machines and Ponce de Leon's fountain of youth do not exist despite what Olay would have you believe.

Dear Ponce de Leon,
I can't believe you looked for the fountain of youth in FLORIDA. The land of skin cancer, bath salts, alligators and Gatorade is trying to KILL you; NOT keep you alive forever. If Dexter taught us anything it's that Florida wants you dead!

Regards, Oil of Olay Regenerist Time Traveler

Sorry, but somebody had to send a letter to that guy. Ok, for everyone else who is NOT Ponce de Leon, I just want to let you know that wrinkle creams don't work. But don't listen to me, listen to the doctors. Unfortunately, dermatologists have been in my life since birth. I have suffered from eczema since the womb. So, sometimes I ask my dermos silly questions out of boredom and I want to break up the monotony. Every skin doc from Texas to Italy has told me the same thing, "There is NO science to prove that anti-aging creams work no matter how expensive they are or where they come from." These lotions are a modern day snake oil scam. If you truly want to look younger or prevent aging then I would suggest saving your money and investing in time travel technology because that would be a better use of your $29.95 than spending that same cash at Wal-Greens on a tub of mystery cream....gross...mystery cream, ewwwwwwww. Nothing that is packaged in a tub can turn the hands of time backwards.