Friday, December 17, 2010

What's in a Name?

I have discovered that the U.S. Navy will call just about anything a ship or a boat. It doesn't actually have to be a ship or a boat; no that is just a mere formality to the Navy because whatever they say goes! For instance, my fiance (who is in the Navy) told me that the barracks, where they lived during basic training were referred to as 'ships' despite the fact they were not ships and were not even located near a body of water. I love this idea of absolute power and unquestionable authority. To be so powerful as to convince your subordinates into calling items other than ships ships without dissent.

It's like being a child again and believing everthing your parents tell you to be true. I once convinced my little brother that I was 18 years old when I was 10. He didn't figure this out until my mom told him otherwise after he asked her why I couldn't just drive to the store to get him something because I was old enough to drive.

Lies like these don't just happen with the military and families but with the public at large. The Real Housewives of Atlanta are neither housewives nor real yet we totally accept this title. There are 5 women on this show and only one of them is actually married. Also, none of them stay at home; they all have careers. They are also not real in any way shape or form. Their boobs are fake, their hair is fake, their nails are fake and their talent is fake. They are probably one "fake" away from being cyborgs. No one should ever tell these women about SkyNet for fear of them becoming selfaware.

Another misnomer are things that are deemed "homemade" by restaurants. If you are making something outside of an actual home there is absolutely no way that it can be considered homemade. Maybe you could call something homemade if you convinced one of your employees to actually live at said restaurant thus making it their home thus making any items cooked there "homemade". That is the only loophole I can see there.

These are all names that we, as a society, just accept for some reason and for that reason I think that I will just start renaming things and damnit you better accept them as Gospel!

What all these names have in common is the fact that they are all trying to be better than the actual product, as to confuse the consumer, so this is the rule that I will follow in my renaming.

Things that I have renamed:
1. IKEA = FOTT = Funiture of Thunderous Thor!
2. Jay Leno = Conan O'Brien
3. Sarah Palin's Going Rogue = The Bible
4. Cats = Dogs
5. Mcdonalds' = McGreatForYou
6. Jim Belushi = John Belushi
7. Fox News = NPR
8. Culinary Arts School = Harvard
9. Lady GaGa = The Beatles
10.The Nintendo Wii = The Gym

Now you can tell all your friends about how funny Conan was last night when you were studying for that really hard test at Harvard about the cultural relevance of the Bible. But, we know better...don't we.