Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Meme of Dr. Moreau

Recently, I was inspired by llamacorn to make a more insidious chimera of my own design. Meet camelsus, part pegasus, part camel and 100% awful. He flies thru the air groaning like a Kirstie Alley in heat and spitting on everything in sight from high in the sky. 

Notice how shitty this image looks. I own Photoshop but my computer has so much crap on it that if I were to actually upload Photoshop the laptop might explode. Therefore, I had to use an image hosting site to create this blasphemy. You're welcome internet. I think Dr. Moreau would be proud of both camelsus and llamacorn but I'm sure that PETA would have complaints about both mythical beasts. Just let me play God!!! I want my camelsus!!!!

If you could play God, Shiva, Allah, Christ, the Goat God's your choice of deity here, what abomination would you create and why?

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

That's After My Time

Sometimes people...young people will make a statement in reference to pop culture that they are unfamiliar with. The statement goes as such, "I've never heard that (song), it was before my time."

I recently found out that I am old because I just used the term "young people" in a sentence...get off my lawn you hooligans!!! Sorry, got distracted. Old person problem.

Anyways, as I was saying, this broad statement is incredibly annoying. It means one of two things: 1 you are uneducated or 2: You simple don't know every song ever created by man because there are MILLIONS of them. You would have to be a sparkling vampire to even scratch the surface of pop culture in America and it is OK to admit that you simply don't know something AND that you are mortal and NOT a sparkly vampire.

Telling people that something is "before your time" therefore, you have no clue about the subject, makes no sense.

Here are some examples of things/people that were "before MY time" and yet, I am still well aware of their existence.

1: The Beatles
2: The Rolling Stones
4: George Washington
5: Dallas (the TV show)
6: The Louisiana Purchase
7: Captain Kangaroo
8: Disco
9: Atari game systems
10: Bob Dylan

Listen (or read) how stupid this sentence sounds, "The Louisiana Purchase? I don't know, I guess that was just before my time." Stupid, that sounds really stupid. This (young) person should have said, "Hmm, I am unfamiliar with that part of American history." Not stupid, that sounds really not stupid. (However, that last sentence was EXTREMELY stupid).

So many things were before my time, some things are during my time and an infinite amount of things will be after my time.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Salmonella Be Damned, I'm Eating Chick-Fil-A

People always ask me what they can send to me that we don't have here in Italy. The answer is always the same, a teleportation device so that I can teleport Chick-Fil-A straight to my tum tums. With the new service of Amazon Prime I can order almost anything that I would want from America to Italy except for all of my white trash staple foods such as: Long John Silvers, Chick-Fil-A, Cracker Barrell, Church's Chicken and Dairy Queen.

I have written about my husband's amazing attributes before (in Trophy Husband) but a few months ago he really out did himself. He did what others said was impossible. He laughed in the face of UPS, Amazon and the U.S. Postal Service. He tested the very limits of airport security and the TSA. Similar to the smuggling capabilities of Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon, he brought Chick-Fil-A to Europe! He didn't even need Chewbaca's help to fend off tie fighters and the galactic empire.

My husband recently took a trip to Florida and on the last leg of his trip he noticed, glistening like the Emerald City of Oz, a Chick-Fil-A in the Jacksonville airport. He then proceeded to purchase two spicy chicken sandwiches and two regular chicken sandwiches for a grand total of four sandwiches. In retrospect, he should have paid for a checked bag and filled it with sweet, tasty nugs...another time, perhaps.

I received these heavenly, southern delights about 15 hours later and slightly crushed from being smashed into his backpack. Also, his backpack smells AMAZING. I put the chicken in the fridge to chill over night, in an attempt to kill any bacteria that most certainly started to thrive in the dark enclosure of that carry-on.

To my surprise, I did not die of salmonella or any other food borne bacteria. In fact, I thrived! I don't know when I will ever have Chick-Fil-A again but for now I have the crispy, greasy memories of sandwiches long gone.

If you find another way of getting me Chick-Fil-A or any other white trash food item please let me know. Hopefully it will be a way that does not include a $1,200 plane ticket or a delicate dance with food borne illness.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Avengers: Age of Hearing Loss

In this movie review you will NOT learn about character development, story arcs, plot lines or general cinematography in any way. You WILL learn about my on-going tinnitus, robot armies and my objectification of men. Don't worry there are no spoilers, if you have not already seen this film, because I couldn't tell you about any spoilers because I do not know what actually happened in this movie (or 'Talkie', as I call most modern movies).

Just saw Avengers: Age of Ultron at the theatre yesterday and I have no clue what took place in this film. (See, I told you) The action scenes (i.e. the whole movie) were so loud and overwhelming that when it came to the sparse yet very important dialogue the viewer was left completely deaf. It was like watching an episode of the Peanuts during scenes in which the teacher would talk and it sounded like muffled nonsense. When my friends and I left the theatre I asked them what they thought about the movie. My friend Ashley replied, "I don't really know what happened because I couldn't make out what the characters were saying to each other. I just kept thinking, 'didn't Will Smith already kill all these guys?'. That's how lost I was.".

In retrospect, when you have a cast of men who look like Thor, Captain America and Iron Man...the words really just get in the way...of the muscles. Perhaps we should bring back the 'silent film'. Shh, don't talk, just flex.