Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Saw this; thought of you!

This was in the dumpster outside my apartment. I guess there's just no room in this world for old smelly mattresses=(

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Eat, Pray, Whore Myself Across India

Disclaimer: This is a movie/book review done by someone who has not read/seen this movie/book. Enjoy.

Eat, Pray, Love is a movie/book about a woman who ditches her corporate job to "find" herself in India, Bali and Italy.
Problem no. 1: Why do I have to travel to "find" myself? Can't I just take a couple of weeks off and do something slightly less expensive like join a church, take a painting class or go to a museum (and try to sneek in as a 12 yr. old to get the kids price?). Well, not according to Eat, Pray, Love.
Problem no. 2: How does one "find" oneself? Did my former self leave me a series of clues like a scavenger hunt? If I ran away without telling anyone do I really want to find that person again anyways? He sounds like a real douche.
Problem no. 3: I liked this movie better when it was called "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"
Problem no. 4: It must be really easy to "find" yourself when you are independently wealthy. Just like being skinny is easier when you are rich. i.e. personal trainers and fancy foods. If I had been in this movie/book it would have been called "Eat, Pray, Whore Myself Across India" because I wouldn't be able to afford to get back to America where whoring is illegal.
Problem no. 5: Shut up Julia Roberts!! You play the SAME character in every movie you have ever done!! I want to see Julia Roberts in a slap stick comedy about CGI dogs who rescue their town from an alien invasion. (Now that is an acting range) Or Perhaps, a Quentin Tarantino film where Roberts plays a one-eyed zombie hooker who is back from the grave to exact her revenge on her former occult pimp, who turned her into the one-eyed zombie hooker she is today. (It's got Oscar written all over it!)

In conclusion: If you are a middle aged, middle class, white woman with 1.5 kids you will probably love this movie/book. Everyone else? Hope you're ready to whore yourself across India!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Weddings and tradition (Music)

So, apparently I'm getting married? (Hurrah!) I really want to have a reality show based on my wedding exploits however, it wouldn't be a very good show because I don't go on enough "tyraids". So, I thought I would start one here in hopes of becoming a BRAVO/TLC/Style Network bitch of the moment mega star!

This tyraid is on traditional wedding music. I thought that building a family was about STARTING traditions. Apparently not. Let me esplain. Me and my fiance have already picked out a church. At said church I am only allowed to use their organist and I can also only use sacred or classical music for the actual ceremony. When I protested, I was told that these were my only musical choices because a marriage ceremony is actually a "worship service". What?! Look, I love tiny baby Jesus as much as the next guy but common! I highly doubt anyone is going to be getting "saved" at my wedding. However, since it is apparently a "worship service" I am now demanding a full-on gospel choir with the congregation singing and worshiping with hands raised to the heavens thru cries of jubilation. I also require someone to speak in tongues during the exchanging of vows, just to shake it up a bit during the boring parts. Something tells me this will make the old ladies at this church even angrier than my original "tame" request to have Billy Idol's White Wedding played as I walked down the aisle after the ceremony.

The other choice, classical music, makes even less sense. I can't have the Bowie but I can have Bach's Toccata and Fugue??!! I literally asked the church's wedding organizer this question and she said yes. (that's the funny part) For those of you who don't know, this Bach piece is the one that is most often associated with vampire films and the occult. Bach was a protestant, so I know this was not his original intent for this piece of music, but either way that is what it has become. So, now I can have vampire music as I walk down the aisle but Idol is right out. I wonder if Billy Idol knows that his music is more sacreligious than actual vampire music? Someone should contact him.

Tyraid, over. Look for more wedding tyraids in the weeks to come! Stay tuned!