Wednesday, October 22, 2014

The Wizarding World of Latin!

Latin may be a dead language but don't tell that to your wizard friends. What? You don't have any wizard friends? Your loss. Harry Potter and the Pope, two of the most magical people on earth, both speak Latin. It's a powerful language, even in death.

What I don't understand is how you would speak Latin in everyday situations WITHOUT constantly casting spells and curses. Every mystical spell I have ever heard or read was just the actual request said/written in Latin. This could be good or bad depending on the situation. Let's say that I said, "Volo rhoncus varius sandwico!!!" Well, first I might have drawn a pentagram, then stood inside my pentagram and THEN declared that, "I want a grilled cheese sandwich!!!" in Latin. I'm a little fuzzy on the magical details but I'm pretty sure that's how it works. Next, POOF! a glistening grilled cheese sandwich appears before my supernatural eyes! Constant, magical, grilled cheese sandwiches would be so rad...also, no calories...because I said Latin. 

Here is an example of everyday magical Latin use gone awry. So, I am now consuming my other-worldly sandwich and (while still standing in the middle of the pentagram...I forgot to step out due to the incredible flavor of my incredible sandwich) I pronounce, "Hoc mirabile est, sandwico! Mea sunt gustus gemmas exploding!" OH SHIT. My taste buds begin to ACTUALLY explode into fireworks and my head is blown completely off. Now I am just as dead as the language that I have so casually spoken for my own selfish occult gain. 

Lesson? Be careful in Latin Club kids. You just might get your head blown off after consuming the most heavenly sandwich in all creation or you might get a D in Latin. Both are pretty terrible situations. 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Children of the Candy Corn

Halloween is wasted on the young, like so many things in life. Children cannot truly appreciate this terrifying, pseudo-religious, sugary sweet, holiday. Kids can dress up, of course, but do they get to dress, "slutty" or covered in blood?! NO. They have lame costumes like little princesses and spider man. BORING. Kids are lame. Let's face it. They can't wear cool costumes, they can't stay up past 9 p.m., they certainly can't get krunk on witches brew, they can't even watch scary movies and to top it all off, their moms control their candy intake. 

It's about time adults take back Halloween. I have lived through elementary school, middle school, high school and even college. Did I learn anything? NO. The point is, that I had to suffer a childhood. I came out the other side as an adult. If I wanna dress as a slutty Incredible Hulk, well then, dammit that's what I'm gonna wear! No one can make me go to bed! Except for the 5 Xanax that I just ingested! No one can take away my rated-R horror movies! Except for Netflix, because I forgot to pay my bill. No one can take away my candy! Except for my husband because he says too much sugar turns me into a super She-Hulk but what does he know?! No one can take away my witches brew! Except for the police...they said it caused a "Disturbance" last year. I've got your "Disturbance" right here, officer! No, no I don't. I apologize, officer.

This year, as I turn 30 years old, I will reflect on Halloweens long past. I will remember the all night long horror movie marathons, the candy induced hallucinations, getting so krunk that I turned Hulk then Bruce Banner and then Hulk AGAIN. I will recall covering my neighbors' homes with toilet paper for no apparent reason, watching someone dressed as Sarah Palin make-out with the entire band KISS, seeing a grown man shave his legs so that he would be a "more convincing Margaret Thatcher". Halloween is a truly magical holiday and I look forward to the next 30 years of mischief, guys in drag, krunktastic witches brew, terrible horror movies and candy...oh, the candy.  

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Rosetta Pietra

I am learning Italian through Rosetta Stone; which is not a bad program. It's not great, but for the money, it is pretty good. What I love about all language courses is the useless material you receive and open ended questions. They teach you to say things like, "I am lost", "Where is the library", "How do I get to the airport" and other directional based questions. Most of these question phrases are found in level 2 whereas, the ANSWERS are found in level 4. So you can ask questions all day but you will never know the response!! Things like "left", "right", "straight", "east", "west" would have been helpful in the SAME lesson.

Here you will find a list of phrases that I have no idea when/if I will ever use them.

1. Sono imbarazzato perché ho ​​dimenticato i pantaloni

Translation: I am embarrassed because I forgot my pants.

2. Io studio per fare l'idraulico.

Translation: I am studying to become a plumber

3. Il cane salta oltre il recinto.

Translation: The dog jumps over the fence.

4. Ho perso il mio palloncino.

Translation: I have lost my balloon.

5. Le balene nuotono nell'oceano.

Translation: The whales swim in the ocean.

Here you will find a list of phrases that would be way more helpful in my day to day life.

1. Scusa segnora, sei una prostituta?

Translation: Excuse me ma'am, are you a prostitute?

2. Dove si trova il negozio di liquori e quanto tardi e aperto fino?

Translation: Where is the liquor store and how late is it open till?

3. Ufficiale, non e colpa mia.

Translation: Officer, it's not my fault.

4. Dov'e la piscina di Nutella?

Translation: Where is the Nutella pool?

5. Cosa vuoi dire non posso fare skateboard nello Vatican?! Pensavo c'e un parco di pattina?

Translation: What do you mean I can't skateboard inside the Vatican?! I thought it was a skate park?!

The name of my Italian language book will be called Rosetta Pietra. Pietra means stone in Italian. See! You are ALREADY learning and just from the book title, ALONE!!!