Friday, September 23, 2011


Ok so everyone is complaining about the make over that facebook recently underwent. I'm not a big fan of plastic surgery but since facebook is going that route whether we like it or not here are my suggestions for their next nip and or tuck.

1. You can have people listed as either "friends" or "family" in your side bar but I have a few more categories I would like to add such as "Enemies" You know you have them and that you are currently stalking them on facebook to make sure that your life is better than theirs so that you can life or whatever.

2. "People who added me but I have no idea who they are" ok this is your fault for accepting their friend request but hey we all have one of two of these lying around our facebook cyber home.

3. Instead of sending out only "friend requests" how about "enemy requests" you know to go with your "enemies" listing. It cuts right to the chase! Let's be nemesis and stalk each other with out the guise of "friendship" weighing us down.

4. I would like to be able to type in a topic into the search bar and search my friends/enemies comments that way. Instead of the crap shoot gamble of having to hear about my cousins stupid baby, what my hippy friend had for dinner last night or my enemy getting his master's degree (what a tool).

Ex. I could type in "gigs" and only posts in reference to upcoming performances would come up. Or "wedding" and find out whose getting hitched or "Glee fan" so I can find out who my next enemy will be! But these are only suggestions to get you going.

5. Languages. Pirate is lame people, get over it. I want to set my language to Kardashian or Demon...oh wait those are the same thing, whatever you get my drift. Under Demon, instead stating the word "Comments" it would state "Bard songs of vanquished foes" ....awesome.

Also, feel free to thank me anytime Tom for these incredible changes. Your welcome.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Never Ending Needs to End

I am literally insulted by the Never Ending ploy that most restaurants use to suck in the morbidly obese. Not because it's making America fat; we can do that on our own but because it's making us broke.

IHOP often offers never ending pancakes. These bottomless confections will run you about $7 to $8. Now, consider the fact that an entire box of pancake mix (the kind in which all you have to add is water) costs between $1 and $2 and heck I can't even eat an entire box of pancakes. That's like 50 pancakes?! And you, IHOP, have the audacity to charge me up to $8 for oh I don't know, about 4 pancakes. Because that's all I'm capable of consuming. Heck I'm not even allowed to order more to go or get any of the specialty cakes that I can't make at home?! Balderdash I say!

Next on the chopping block is Olive Garden. Keep in mind this is my favorite restaurant and YES I have been to Italy. This either speaks to how trashy I am or the mind control device that Olive Garden has implanted in my brain. Either way. Olive Garden (OG) offers never ending pasta once a year around August. This pasta does not include meat, that is extra. Never ending pasta costs about $12 not including tip. Once again an entire box of pasta (almost any cut) will run you about $1 a jar of sauce will cost about $3 now I'm no mathematician but that is considerably less than what Olive Garden charges and also I CAN'T EAT THAT MUCH F*CKING FOOD! Whew, that got intense.

Ok, I'm back and a little calmer now. Red Robin also offers bottomless steak fries with any burger. Keep in mind the average burger costs $12 there. I could go to McDonald's and get a whole meal, including drink for like $5 or $6 and yeah it's really not that different. It's a burger's. a. burger.

Last on the chopping block for today is Red Lobster. RL offers bottomless cheese biscuits year round. I'm okay with this one because I can't make these at home and I get as many of these little diabetes makers no matter what I order. Mmm, Hurricane and cheesy biscuits. That's a power lunch. However, RL also offers never ending shrimp once a year around September/October. Now, at first this seems like a good deal since any seafood is pretty expensive right? Wrong! Let's crunch the numbers. Never ending shrimp costs $16 (not including beverage and tip). A bag of peeled, de-veined, frozen shrimp costs about $10 to $12. A much smaller price difference here but keep in mind that once AGAIN most of us can't even eat more than one plate at any restaurant and that bag of shrimp contains 50 to 70 shrimp(s).

Look, the bottom line is that whenever you see the words "Never Ending" that should translate to you as "Rip-Off". And now when we run into each other at the Olive Garden we can both judge each other over our pasta primavera.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Closures Part Deux

Quick update on my Driver's License situation. I went to the DMV (AGAIN) today to have my last name changed to my new married name and to get my new address on the ID as well. Well, everything went fine. A little too fine. Suspiciously fine? When I got all the way back home I looked at my receipt and realized that they put down an incorrect birthday for me??!! So, I call the DMV to try to get them to change this info before it gets sent to the capital. Of course, the lady on the phone tells me that I have to drive back down there to prove my actual birth date. Now, why do this? I brought them all these same documents the first time and clearly they didn't look at them. So why do this again? Well, I did it anyways and supposedly it is now fixed. However the real surprise will come in 2 weeks when I get the hard copy of my new license in the mail. Who knows what will be on it! NORFOLK DMV on WIGDEON RD IS THE WORST DMV EVEEEEEER!!!!! Can you taste my rage? It's palpable.