Saturday, July 30, 2011

The McQueen Bee

"Animals have two purposes in this world: to taste good and fit well" -Greg Proops

I sometimes think that we humans treat our pets and other animals better than we do ourselves. We give our pets clothing (ugh) food a roof over their heads and we literally ask for nothing in return. Now, I know what you're thinking. We get their love and affection right? I have one word for you 'cats'. Cats don't give a f*ck about you and neither do birds, lizards or amphibians for that matter. The only pet that we do get a little bit of affection and fun from are dogs; the same might be true for horses too but who can afford a horse also; they don't fit in urban efficiency apartments or else I would have one.

If I lived in my parents house till I was thirty, never went to school and never had a job my parents probably would have kicked me out and disowned me however; we let all this behavior slide with our pets. Again, I know what you're thinking. They can't go to school or get a job so what do you expect? Well they could at least herd some sheep, guard the house; you know dog stuff.

I recently watched a program about a tame cheetah being released into the wilds of Africa. I don't even want to think about how many man hours and money that was spent on this operation. And until recently, all their efforts have been unsuccessful. In order to transport this cheetah safely and with low stress they gave it a tranquilizer for the plane ride. I reeeeaaally wish someone would shoot me with a tranquilizer gun before long flights. I mean I always say that those flights might kill me but I'm not a cheetah so my life is less important and no one believes me.

In hindsight, I think we treat animals the way we do because well...we eat them and we secretly feel bad. I might not be able to get tranquilizers but at least no one is trying to eat me...I think.

P.S. did I mention that famed fashion designer Alexander McQueen recently left an animal shelter 100,000 euros in his will? I could deal with someone trying to eat me or dressing me in a tutu for that kind of cash. But then again, I'm a horrible person.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

A Letter to Europe

I see a lot of unashamed/unabashed uni-brows. I will send you one aesthetician per 100 uni-brows if you promise to use them on a monthly basis; oh ya and tip them.

why do ALL your bathrooms smell like feral animal piss? You'd think that a restroom that you PAID for would be a lot nicer...but no it's the opposite. Maybe it's because you have forced us to squat on the floor like animals? Maybe it's because the actual bathroom is the size of Harry Potter's muggle bedroom. Or maybe it's because no one gives a shit...pun intended.

Water with gas or no gas? I have actually learned to like fizzy water; I just wish I didn't have to pay for the opposite.

Thank you for speaking English everywhere I go however; could you pleeeaase not talk about me behind my back in your native tongue because I know what you're saying....not just a pretty face people.

Please stop with the "FUCK BUSH" graffiti. He's not the president anymore and we don't write "FUCK SARKOZY or MERKEL or CAMERON or MEDVEDEV or BERLUSCONI anywhere. Not cool.

On a personal note, don't take this personal. I love Europe; this is just constructive criticism.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Did You Know?

Hey Alton Brown (of the Food Network) remember the time you spent 5 hours making soft pretzels from scratch? Well, did you know that they sell those individually at the mall for like a dollar?! Crazy, I know.

Hey, Giada de Laurentis, the other day you made ketchup at home. It cost you about $15, took about an hour and is perishable. Did you know that there is a company called Heinz that has literally perfected this recipe; an entire bottle only costs about $2 AND it will last forever in the fridge? Amazing, I know.

Hey, Rachel Ray, I've seen you make homemade bbq sauce several times. You are from New York and no NOTHING about bbq sauce so you probably didn't know that people from Texas and Tennessee (Who know a thing or two about bbq sauce) sell their family recipes in jars at the super market. Wild, believe me I'm from Texas.

Hey, Ina Garten you love to make whipped cream from scr...oh f*ck it I can't do this anymore.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Variations on a Theme

Thru-out the ages there has always been dance and like any fashionable activity there has also been dance crazes. Dance phenomenon such as the jitterbug, two-step, tootsie roll, electric slide, tangos, waltzes and so much more. There is a popular dance for just about every style of music and dance you can think of...except for one...interpretive dance. This country needs an interpretive dance craze.

I would like to start this craze. So the next time you see me at the club on the floor, covered in oil while acting out the birth of the human conscienceness to the piece "Baby Got Back" don't be surprised. It's just the latest dance craze sweeping the nation one pair of leg warmers at a time!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Cuba Libre!!

Last December I sailed the high seas of the caribbean for my friend's wedding.But I had bigger dreams than nuptiuals, awkward speeches and midnight buffets; I wanted to take over Cuba. I wanted to prove that a small boat full of white people could take over a country inhabited by millions of ethnic peoples within a few weeks or months. Does this make me racist you ask? No. It makes me a pro-active historian/anthropologist and , with my research, I could help future native peoples to stave off white invasions.

I made several attempts to take over Cuba but ultimately I couldn't get the power of the crew (i.e. other wedding guests) behind me. During our fancy dinners at night the captain of the ship was often at this feasting. I called for a coupe. He was unarmed, un-maned and would never have seen it coming! My plan was to create a diversion by getting one of the groomsmen to take over the band and start playiing "cop killer" on casio keyboard while I would put the captain in a krav maga hold and then declare myself the new captain. Clearly these groomsmen were total pussies/didn't know all the words to "cop killer". My second failed attempt was to call on a full-on mutiny in protest of the terrible chocolate lava cake that was served at literally every dinner. I mean how can you mess up lava cake? It was the best thing on the menu and it was a let down every time I or anyone else ordered it?! But, I digress. My third and final attempt was to get all crew members and passengers to one side of the boat (port) in order to force the ship towards Cuba.

In hindsigt, wedding guests and 50-yr.-old, Hawaiian shirt wearing, Jimmy Buffet enthusiasts were not the best crew members for a future pirate ship/Cuban settlers. If you or anyone you know can find a way to take over Cuba let me know and my tri-pointed hat off to you sir or madaam.

-True story...of fantasy

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Dear Texas,

All my life I have been trying to escape cowboy boots, country music, trucks and Mexican food. Now, I am in a place that is devoid of all these things but also devoid of all the things that make Texas great. These things include but are not limited to: a freeway system that was NOT created by a meth addicted monkey; a ghetto that includes interesting ethnic graffiti NOT prostitution on a Tuesday at 2pm; a hip music/dance club on every corner NOT a place called the Thirsty Camel; Wal-Mart's that stay open past midnight; an air force base NOT a naval base full of seadogs; book stores; music stores; (apparently no one here can read or play)

Sorry Virginia, I hate to rag on you this much and maybe you're not really that bad? I'm being unfair comparing you to Texas. Doing that is like comparing a Klondike bar to crème brulee made in France. I still love Klondike bars; there's just no comparison the only thing that is binding these two confectionaries is the fact that they are both desserts. The only thing that is binding Texas to Virginia is the fact that they are both states...oh wait...Virginia is a commonwealth not even a state! Un-American, if you ask me.