Monday, February 22, 2010

Snakes on a Tire

So, I went to Discount Tires today to get my tires fixed. They had nails and screws in them, apparently. But, that was not the odd part of my little outing. While discussing my tire woes with a Discount Tire sales associate, I noticed another customer standing in line with a baby boa constrictor wrapped around his heavily tattooed arm. At first glance, I envisioned this assailant holding up the Discount Tire at snake point but then I quickly realized that was foolish and that this man with a reptile was simply in need of some tire assistance. My salesman was so flabergasted by this occurrence that he openly laughed at the snake man right in his unassuming face. My sales associate wasn't being rude because he didn't have time to even think about being rude. He was in shock and just reacted on raw adrenaline. He later confessed to me that he is terrified of snakes.

I have absolutely no idea why anyone would consciously bring a pet snake with them to a tire shop or any place, other than a vet or the set of an Indiana Jones movie. However, this got me to thinking. Are there leash laws for snakes like there are for dogs? If a snake bites a pedestrian does that snake have to wear a tiny snake muzzle when out and about with its person? Is a snake owner forced by law to pick up the snake poop that it leaves at city parks? Can I have my snake neutered? Can I have a seeing-eye-snake? The questions still remain but I'm happy that I wasn't robbed at snake point in a Discount Tires.

Friday, February 19, 2010

How to Win at the Olympics

Bi-athelon: This winter sport consists of cross-country skiing and sharp shooting. This is an ideal game for KGB opperatives working in sub-zero conditions who are hunting down James Bond. This sport is basically a race to see who finishes with the best time while making it to certain check points to shoot your rifle at unsuspecting Olympic fans. These Olympians race while their rifles are slung around their backside, like 5th graders with Power Ranger backpacks, except these backside parcels are far more dangerous than the red ranger. It is painfully obvious how one could easily win this race: Shoot the skier in front of you...instant gold medal and KGB consideration.

Men's Half-Pipe:Be Shaun White

Skeleton: This is basically the same as the luge except you are now racing around an ice-track at 90mph head first instead of feet first. First of all, if you participate in this death race you are stupid and clearly want to die. Second of all, you are also a sick freak because you have invited your friends and family to this event and now they are going to watch you slam head first into an NBC camera-man, killing yourself and probably the camera-man too. How to win this race: Don't be in this race. If you are in it you are going to die and medals can't be awarded to dead people. End of story.

Curling: I know that it has been said before, "Why is this a sport?" Curling might be the wisest winter sport of all because it does not include an element of death. You could die in literally any one of the varied sports at the winter olympics except for curling. Why do people make fun of this? The summer olympics contain no death elements i.e. swimming in a straight line, running in a straight line, throwing something in a straight line and jumping in a straight line. Yet, for some reason, the summer olympics are far more popular than the winter olympics. Nothing is more entertaining than watching someone who could die at any moment. Yeah, it's macabre but let's face it, that's why we watch! Curlers are smart because they do not want to die, and I don't blame them. How to win a curling match: Add a death element like covering your curling stone in medieval spikes or using giant razor blades attached to the broom handle instead of actual brooms. Heck, I'd watch that!