Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Freedom Isn't Free

Qualifying statements such as, "as a military spouse" often annoy me because I don't consider being a military spouse to be a defining attribute to my over all character or being. With that being said, it is difficult to move every few years and cope with the constant 'hellos' and 'goodbyes'. Only a fellow military spouse can even begin to understand the joy and misery that comes with constant movement. I have learned not to linger. I have learned to move on and I have learned to remember all the wonderful humans that I have met along my many journeys. If you have ever felt alone or that you can't stop wandering, just remember that in Sorrento, Italy there is a place that serves alcohol, pizza and freedom. It's gonna be ok you guys...we still have freedom and pizza...fuck ya.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

You Had One Job

Have you ever been insulted in such a way as to instill an emotion of deep hatred and resentment towards your condescending accuser? If you have, you are not the only one. So many of us have felt the ire of being told how to reheat pop tarts by the box of pop tarts, itself. The humiliation of the phrase, "Contents may be hot" and my personal favorite, "results may vary". I never knew that "results varied"? I thought that if I died my hair with $4 Revlon semi-permanent, hair dye that I would look EXACTLY like the super model on the box! Where are my sun-kissed highlights? The haunting low-lights? A perfectly quaffed blow out and bleached teeth?! WHERE ARE YOU!!!! Apparently, my 'results varied'. They varied off into a world, much realer than the photo-shopped box would have lead me to believe. 

I have often wondered, who needs these patronizing instructions in their day to day lives? Today that query has been answered! In the above photo, you will notice that the gentleman/woman who was in charge of "Display Management" was a little unsure about how to hang t-shirts properly. To be fair and just we must first realize that this person already had a pretty trying day before heading off to their retail job this morning. First, this human burned the sin out of some strawberry pop tarts. After he/she put out the ensuing toaster oven fire he/she realized that their hair had been processing for FAR too long. They had flames to squelch at the time so the new doo was not a top priority thus leaving our hero with bleached eyebrows and several chemically-burned bald spots. Finally, this register jockey is off to work but not before picking up a cup of steaming hot Joe! Good thing the lid to the coffee was tightly secured! That could have been a disaster! This salesperson just couldn't get their head in the game today but it's ok. He makes me feel important, beautiful and intelligent. How would I know if I was smart or not when I have nothing to compare myself to? 

People need to know that it could be worse. You could be ugly(ier), fat(ter) and dumb(er). I am here to tell you that you are beautiful, you are important and you know how to hang t-shirts like a pro. 

Friday, July 3, 2015

Sailing the High Seas of Surveys

I recently went on a cruise and after our sea voyage we were given surveys to fill out. These surveys were highly confusing to me. Why does this cruise line need my academic qualifications? Am I not "qualified to cruise"? Am I over-qualified to cruise? These seemed like arbitrary questions so I gave my most arbitrary answers.

The reality of this situation is the fact that all companies use surveys as a means to better understand their key demographics and how to better advertise to those people groups. But, does a cruise line really need to administer surveys to know that the key demographics of most cruises are 50 to 60 year old, wealthy couples? I don't think so, therefore; I felt the need to shake things up a bit. Their new demographic will be 30 year old sorceresses who live on the moon.