Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Adult Supervision Required

Recently, I have been attending a spin class at my local gym. I love spin class because it is such a great work out and I hate spin class because it is such a good work out. We have the same instructor every week but yesterday that instructor was gone for some reason so we had a sub. The sub was fine except for one glaring mistake. She allowed us to "do whatever you want for this next song". You can't tell me to do whatever I want?! The instructor clearly meant that we can work at our own pace for that next song but when you use words like "do whatever you want" I am going to get off the bike, exit the room, walk down the hall, end at the snack machine, purchase ALL the Reese's Pieces that the machine has to offer and then proceed to eat all the Reese's Pieces. Do you know how many calories are in $20 worth of Reese's Pieces? A MONTH'S WORTH. That's how many calories are in 5 lbs. of Reese's Pieces. I didn't pay $3.50 for a class which offers that kind of freedom. I need adult supervision at all times people! I need someone yelling at me to pedal faster and who clearly states that I should NOT eat every thing in the snack machine. Speaking of which, why the hell are there snack machines in every gym that offer things like Snickers, Pop Tarts, Cheetos and Mountain Dew. When I look into these snack machines at a gym I think to myself, "Am I going for a run or am I about to get high?". Who the hell eats Pop Tarts pre/post work-out? Someone find me a gym that does not include Dr.Pepper, oatmeal cream sandwiches and gummy bears and I will find my 6 pack abs.

P.S. This drawing of the Hulk is adorable!!!! HULK SMASH SNACK MACHINE!!! HULK GO INTO DIABETIC COMA!!!!

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Ghost in the Headphones

All of my sound gear is haunted by a deaf old man. I think I have a poltergeist with a busted ear drum. My iPod needs an exorcism. Let me explain. When I turn on my iPod, plug in the head phones and choose music to listen to, while running, the default volume on the device is always at a full deafening blast; so loud in fact, that I have to rip the ear buds out of my ears and I start screaming like an insane person. This is what I look like while running, by the way, an insane person screaming at an unseen group of Jackson 5s to just shut the F up. What I don't understand is the fact the iPod has saved all previous data from its last use. For example, when I turn on the machine it will start playing right where it was shut off from the previous use, so if I was listening to Ghostland Observatory and then switched off the player then the next time I turn the player on it will pick right back up again with Ghostland Observatory EXCEPT at FULL BLAST even though I left it at a normal volume and I have even MUTED it and turned the iPod back on only to suffer from an intense sonic shock wave.

I think the only logical explanation is that I have a ghost in the machine situation at play here. I can't sprinkle holy water on my iPod for obvious reasons. I can't call a priest because he will try to hit my iPod with a Bible and that will probably break it. I am in a real jam here people which reminds me of a terrible joke I once heard, "What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock into your wife's mouth!" That was awful and I apologize. Deafening sound blasts are also awful so I might have to just buy a new "spirit free" iPod because my current device has given me pretty terrible tinnitus. Maybe those guys at the "Genius Bar" are actually shamans ready to exorcise all of our broken/haunted Apple devices.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Google Maps FML

This is what happens to me every time I use Google Maps. I know that there must be a better way of getting from point A to point B but I am not familiar enough with the area to figure it out myself. I have also  included a photo of the roadway system here in Italy. It is indecipherable yet delicious and full of carbs.

Thursday, February 12, 2015


The long reign of Prince Regent Il Topo Primo has finally come to an end. No thanks to pest control or Spike Jonez (The cacti). Years ago, in a galaxy far far away (also known as 'college') a young woman asked her future spouse, "When are you going to kill for me?". I believe we were watching Breaking Bad or something equally violent and one of the main characters murdered someone in a fit of vengeance on behalf of his wife. If my memory serves me correctly Andrew answered by saying, "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Last night we discovered our house mouse scurrying about in our utility closet and I spotted him as he ran up into the vacuum tube. Andrew banged the vacuum against the wall and nothing happened. I suggested we turn the vacuum on. This suggestion was met with disbelief and horror towards my lack of maternity. Finally, we plopped the small vacuum into our Fire House Subs bucket and Il Topo soon reappeared and was instantly trapped inside the bucket.

Unfortunately, we couldn't just release our little house guest into the wild because I knew that he would eventually return to our apartment or that of another. We had to kill...
Addendum. My husband had to kill...

He finally killed for me!!! I feel like our relationship is reaching new heights!!! Andrew was not as excited about his assassination attempt. He was forced to fill the bucket with water and allow the pest to run out of energy swimming and eventually drown. I think it took about ten minutes total.

What have I learned from all this? THAT MICE/RATS DON'T FART!!!!!!! We had to research how to kill this thing and the internet told us to feed it baking soda because the bicarbonate reacts with the mouse's stomach acid to create gas. These rodents cannot pass gas and therefore, their intestines balloon up and explode! This fact was corroborated by multiple pest control services. (Thanks Heisenberg) Drowning seemed more humane than gut explosion.  However, next time I will use the baking soda and be sure to have Michael Bay on speed dial to film it. Speed dial?! Seriously?! That doesn't even exist anymore?! I am sooo old! Damnit!

I am glad the prince's reign is finally over but Andrew felt bad about his first cold blooded kill. So, we had to 'pour one for our homies'. This shot of Jack is for you little guy...may you never return.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Arts and Crafts Death Machine

A few months ago this couple turned into a little family when we bought a cactus. Not really, the cactus doesn't really pull it's weight around here to be considered a contributing family member but at least it is low maintenance. We named our cactus Spike Jones...get it???!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ironically, Spike Jones (the desert plant) is terrible at directing/producing iconic rap music videos. Perhaps I am a too demanding succulent mother. Our REAL new family member is Prince Regent Il Topo Primo. I won't bother you with Google translate because I know that you are a buisy workin' girl so here it is: Il Topo Primo = The First Mouse.

We have had a mouse in our house (apparently, we are also living in a Mother Goose rhyme) for about 3 months now. We had pest control come out and all they did was put down pieces of cardboard with glue all over the top. Needless to say, this hair-brained idea did not claim the lives of any mice but it did inflict much violence on several pairs of shoes, my Tom's R.I.P.

Recently, my husband and I (notice that lazy cactus NOT helping, I'm looking at YOU Spike Jones) took matters into our own hands. I am terrible at arts and crafts but I think that's because there is not normally an element of death in mod podge and glitter.

The internet told us to fill a bucket with water, then place a can on a wire covered in peanut butter and put some kind of a ladder leading up to the can with the peanut butter. The idea is that the mouse will run up to the can covered in PB and then the can will rotate on the wire until the mouse falls into the water filled bucket and then expires. We did not have all of the proper accouterments for our death machine so we had to improvise. Below, you will see an Adventure Time Marcelline guitar that I made several years ago for my Halloween costume that acts as the 'ladder', a Fire House Subs bucket, a mutilated wire hanger that was used as the 'wire' and coke bottle cut in half.

Next, my husband added the peanut butter.

When people see this arts and crafts death machine in my home, I realize that I look insane. I could just get a cat but then I would have to own a cat...dumb. I might get a boa constrictor if this doesn't work but then I would have a boa constrictor problem and I am not 'Florida Man'.

How do you guys get rid of mice? Please tell me because my death machine isn't producing as much death as hoped and I am tired of our little guest who doesn't even pay rent.