Thursday, December 29, 2016

This Shit is Important

I know that I have written/typed about language programs and what I would do differently if I were to construct my own language learning curriculum. But, today I have reached a new level of rage with these goddamn language programs. I've been watching some youtube videos on French phrases when suddenly, this goddamn asshole, who is trying to teach me how to order food at a cafe takes waaaay too long teaching me how to say PINEAPPLE PIZZA in french. I wish I didn't know those words/that combination of words in English. Why the fuck would anyone order a goddamn pineapple pizza in FRANCE. If you do plan on ordering this heinous monstrosity then you don't deserve France. Or possibly even life, for that matter. No one goes to the food mecca of the world to order an abomination pizza. And, if they do, then they will leave France in a body bag and rightfully so.

I can't really say that it got worse from there but it didn't get better either. This "native speaker" continues to teach me how to say 'spaghetti' and 'hamburger' in French. Do you know how to say spaghetti and hamburger in French? You guessed it, it's 'spaghetti' and 'hamburger' with a French accent. You are a genius and are now at level 1,000 in French.

Food is pretty simple. Why can't this guy teach me to say, "I would like another napkin"? Or, other words like 'the check', 'spoon', 'ice', 'water' or 'pepper' know, words that are TOTALLY DIFFERENT IN FRENCH. In case you were wondering, I did look these words up in French and they are as follows, check/la adition, spoon/cuillere, ice/de la glace, water/eau and pepper/poivre. See, I care about you way more than that youtube asshole and I want you to succeed in France. Also, 'pineapple pizza' is properly pronounced,'va te faire foutre'.

I almost wrote, "Sorry for all the cursing.". But then I was like, nah fuck that. This shit is important. Seriously though, my brother ordered a glass of milk at a bar in Paris and was almost physically assaulted by the waitress. Although, to be fair, if you are going to get that angry about milk then maybe don't put in on the menu. Which, in a nutshell, is why I love France. It's a country full of assholes just like me...not like that youtube guy, he's just inconsiderate.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Celebrity Mad-Libs!

Have you ever wondered why the 'news' talks about people like Jennifer Aniston or George Clooney? You think to yourself, "What was the last good movie these people were in? Why are they still relevant?" The answer is, they are not. They are not still relevant. Here is what these people have been doing for the past 10 years. They have been starring in multi-million dollar ad campaigns over-seas. Why spend 10 months of your life struggling to film a picture that perhaps no one will like, when you can fly on a private jet to Myanmar, and get paid $1 million to hold a fancy pen for 30 minutes. It's not rocket science. Just simple math. Don't act like you wouldn't do it either. If someone said to me, "Hey, you wanna hold this pen for a million dollars? Can you make it look sexy?" If someone said that to me, I would hold the fuck out of that pen....I would make sweet...well, I don't think you want to know how far I am willing to go so, I will just leave it at that....for now.

I have been traveling on planes a lot recently and I have noticed a Hugh Jackman ad for pens and watches in every in-flight magazine from Scandinavia to Greece. So, I have devised a game that will really make the time fly and I am curious to hear your responses. Underneath every ad I have included a quote or what I think Hugh is saying and/or thinking at that exact moment. Try it yourself! It's like mad-libs but with pictures of celebrities selling stupid shit that no one needs.

Help me. I have been locked in this mid-century, modern office for weeks now. I can't remember the smell of my wife's hair after a shower, or the laughter of my children on a Saturday morning. What day is it? Has society fallen? P.S. Don't tell me how The Walking Dead ends...I want to be surprised.

I'm telling you, time is just a construct of human perception on the passing of immaterial societal events. It's an illusion just like this David Blaine show that we are about to watch.

Do you know what death smells like? I do. It smells like fear, rejection and regret. As a soldier of fortune, I have killed far too many nameless men with the stroke of this pen...through their jugulars.

If you are reading this then it's already too late. Either I am stuck inside that snowed-in hotel from the Shining or I have gone totally banana balls and lost my freaking mind. Can you see the 1920's prohibition era dancers behind me or is it all a figment of my twisted mind? Redrum...redrum...

Ok, now it's your turn. Post some quotes or upload your own celebrity ad with an original quote. This needs to be included in college level writing prompts. The possibilities are endless just like time and the fountain of ebony ink flowing from my over-priced, gold in-laid pen.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

I'm too Old for this Shit

Sorry, I have been pretty absent as of late. I'm taking some night and online classes. So, when I'm not studying or working I am sleeping, sleeping or taking drugs to help me sleep.

Can you guys please invent one of those beds that teaches you shit in your dreams? Either that or we need to attach (in very tiny letters) the word 'cocaine' to the marijuana legalization bill so that I can do cocaine and stay awake for 72 hours straight.

Side note: I'm not actually using a GI Bill to go back to school. (This is why you should never take memes seriously kids. They are full of lies. If your political ideology is based off of a meme, we are all fucked...oh wait...I just made myself sad.) I just thought this meme properly portrayed my 32 year old ass in a high school desk learning about environmental biology.

Anyways, I'm going back to sleep now or studying or working...does it really matter? Ya'll let me know how that SmartBed/cocaine thing goes. I want to see progress people!

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Thanks Obama

A while ago, I read a book entitled Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) and it reminded me of an interesting and sadly, true story of fear, questionable politics and white-trashery.

Several years ago I visited the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. and per usual, for D.C., the traffic was terrible, couldn't find parking and arrived at the zoo way later than originally intended. Later in the day, around dusk, the zoo was starting to close, many of the animals were being led into enclosures or were seeking night time refuge of their own volition.

During this time, I was at one of the outside monkey exhibits when I noticed a middle aged man dressed in fatigues, t-shirt, trucker hat and a huge set of binoculars. This man was joined by his 12 year old son, wearing similar attire to that of his father. For the above mentioned reasons, no monkeys were to be found thru the brush of their enclosure. The young boy was thoroughly disappointed until his father enlightened him to the fact that this monkey absence was simply due to Obama. According to this gentleman, Obama took away many of the zoo animals for federal funding deficits and sold them to China, probably on the black market, for profit. The son ponders this and then suddenly, "Look dad! I can see one!" At this joyous monkey sighting, the father quickly interjects, "Nah, that's just an animatron. Obama doesn't want you to see real animals. He keeps them all in his personal zoo paid for by the hard working tax payers. Steals our money and our monkeys, son."

Just like dusk at the national zoo, we are now facing the twilight hours of Obama's presidency. How will we remember him? How will we CHOOSE to remember him? Only history will tell but we must be open to accept that. It's difficult to admit that you were wrong or held false beliefs. You might think that people will never trust or respect you again for admitting your faults but the reality is, we don't trust or respect you because you believe that Obama is secretly hording monkeys somewhere in the White House for personal gain. I truly respect the person who can stand up and say, "Oops!". But maybe I am the one who is in the wrong? Maybe Obama was always, secretly behind the "animatrons" at Chuck E. Cheeses...he didn't want the kids to have REAL banjo playing bears at their hard earned pizza parties.

Monday, October 10, 2016

What Really Goes Bump in the Night

The myth of the vampire is fascinating to me because in modern day culture this stoic fiend is seen as some sort of benevolent god type figure. He has the power to destroy but chooses to sit idle while wrestling with his own demons, humanity or lack thereof. He falls in love, he denounces his true nature and would rather die than take the life of an innocent in order to sustain his already long life.

I take issue with this narrative because this is a figure who has lived for centuries and it would be nearly impossible for him to remain pure or even have feelings left, at all. Put aside the blood lust, the night stalking, transmogrification and lack of reflection and we find a human; a human being who can't die but is forced to roam the earth for eternity with no one who can understand him on any level. Centuries of intelligence are at his fingertips but often that sagacity is unchecked and lonely.

Now imagine an old man. The senior citizen who yells at kids, thru his denture filled mouth, to get off his lawn, Someone who is somewhat of a recluse. The news angers him, music angers him and most of all people anger him. Of course, we are all familiar with the "sweet little old lady" type figure but remember this is the very same "sweet little old lady" who probably uses the 'N' word and has no problem telling you the cold hard truth to your face but she knits and bakes cookies so I guess that makes up for the racism and unsolicited advice, right? Take a look at your own life, for instance. At age 8 you couldn't keep from crying as your only pet goldfish surfed his last wave to the big toilet in the sky. Now, at age 38, you can barely muster a tear at a grandparents' funeral. Are you evil? Or have you just lived long enough to realize that the tears don't matter? The flood of salty water flowing so freely from your eyes can't stop death. It is inevitable. The cycle continues. The only difference is that now you see the spiral completely. A cold, black, unblinking, bird's eye view of life.

It stands to reason that anyone, left to their own devices for centuries, would end up (by our modern, human, standards) evil. How can you watch the same mistakes being made over and over again throughout time and country and not become jaded, not view humanity as cattle? What would any of it matter to you? Oh sure, you've tried to warn mankind of their doom but that was 200 years ago, and did anyone listen to you? No, they threw stones at you and called you monster. But who is the real monster? Perhaps, it is the ones who have no memory. Who won't live long enough to remember. Sure, they don't suck blood but how many have they killed and for what reasons? Stalin, Hitler, Mao Zedong, Trump, what does it matter?  They will never see the error of their ways because they don't know that an error was ever made. But you, you everlasting demon, you remember, don't you? You remember the revolutions, the fear, the hate and in a few years or centuries (perhaps? hopefully?) you will see it all again, as if, for the first time. No remorse from those who perpetrated these events because they have no memory of their ill deeds. Those were 'others' from another time, or another place. I," I "would never uphold such values as hatred, fear mongering and bigotry! However, you, oh tireless Nosferatu, know my lies. You know the outcome, don't you? Humanity hides it's ugly deeds under the veil of religion or freedom all while you hide your blood lust under cover of darkness. Are we so different? You and I? I'm not so sure anymore. The lines have become blurred.

But, there is a difference, isn't there? I am human. I lie but I also believe my lies. You are legend. You lie but you are smart enough, evil enough, not to believe your own lies. You know exactly what you are and yet are powerless to change. I don't know what I am but I am powerFUL to change...and yet, I don't choose to change. Now, I ask you again, who is the true monster here?

Friday, September 30, 2016

Methanol Free

Some things in life go without saying. Imagine, if you will, a few slogans. "Public Schools: Now with Less Pedophiles!", "Hospitals: Got Drugs?" "Alabama: 30% Less Racism than 1960's Alabama!", "Milk: Made from Cows" or "Politics: Now with Transparency and Honesty". Disclaimers can be very disconcerting. Why are these updates needed in the first place? Did my public school employ sex-offenders? Can I get drugs from hospitals? You mean politics haven't always been trustworthy? Of course, these slogans are facetious but the photos that you are about to see are highly disturbing.

My husband and I purchased this bottle of Israeli anise flavored liquor. Seemingly harmless...right? Well, once we got the bottle home, we started to read the back label of this mysterious middle eastern beverage. Much to our surprise, we discovered that this alcohol is "NOW METHANOL FREE". 

The CDC's description of methanol is as follows: Methanol is a toxic alcohol that is used industrially as a solvent, pesticide and alternative fuel source. 

Ummm, am I gonna go blind? Did this apertif previously contain methanol? Can I put this liquid in the gas tank of my car? Can I use it to clean tar off the road? Can I put it in a spray bottle and kill things with bugs....or humans....but probably just bugs...probably. I feel like, if you are a distiller, you shouldn't have to remind your customers that your product does not contain a PESTICIDE or INDUSTRIAL SOLVENT. But, that's just me. What do I know?

If you were wondering, we did drink this stuff and so far no blindness, dementia or death has occurred.  More testing is necessary. It's 5 o'clock somewhere. 

Monday, September 19, 2016

I'm Allergic to the Rules

Last year for Halloween, my costume was Ace Ventura Pet Detective. So naturally, when I found out that the Miami Dolphin cheerleaders were headed to my area's local high school football game for morale, I instantly knew that this was a photo-op for Ace.

One day my commitment to comedy will either severely injure me or get me arrested...probably both. My friend stood on the sidelines egging me on to run onto the field during the girls' cheer routine and score a classic, fake, Ace Ventura-style touch down. The only reason I didn't do this was due to the fact that I work at the school district. It actually caused my body real, physical pain to stand by the in-zone and act like a pseudo-adult, dressed in drag and wearing a tutu.

I don't know why I'm like this but I just really hate stupid rules. Every morning I refuse to use the cross walk to get to work and every morning I get yelled at by the Nazi crosswalk monitor. "You need to be an example for the kids!" And I'm like, "I'm being a GREAT example for the kids! I'm teaching them to think for themselves and to always question THE MAN!" The jury is still out on who "The Man" is but I'm pretty sure he's part of the PC movement/sugar is bad for you/the sun is bad for you/everything is cancer movements. Ugh, I really hate that guy. I think he's also the one who put 'parental guidelines' on video games. He ruined my childhood because my mom wouldn't let me buy Mortal Combat for the Super Nintendo. But, I digress.

Following a rule that makes sense doesn't bother me at all; it's really just the small insignificant ones that make me go crazy! What stupid rules bother you? How do you stick it to 'The Man'?

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Rage Shopping


People deal with stress in different ways. Some over-eat, some under-eat or bite their fingernails. Others get ulcers, a rash or pull their own hair out. I can't say that I have never suffered from any of the aforementioned afflictions but right now my biggest stress reducer is rage shopping.

 In order to rage shop, first, work yourself into a rage over work, family, friends or the obscene cost of nail polish nowadays (I'm looking right at you Butter London) then blindly log onto and purchase bullshit until the stress is alleviated. A few items that have helped to relieve my stress have been a giant inflatable pool unicorn, earrings shaped like lips and every movie Chris Hemsworth has ever starred in, no matter how shitty that movie was. Typically, the more asinine the object, the greater powers of healing it holds over your unchecked rage/stress. Turning on really loud heavy metal music while online shopping also helps to 'break' the rage. Much like a high fever a good rage needs to be broken with high intensity rock music and the bleeding of your bank account into the pockets of whoever works for Amazon.

 Beware, do NOT buy things that you actually need. For some reason that will only make you angrier and more stressed out. I can't tell you the science behind this but I do know that it exists.

How do you deal with stress? Seriously, I need to know. I just purchased a mug that says, 'Adios Bitchachos'. I can't go to bankruptcy court and explain to the judge that, 'Your Honor, you see, I was in a deep rage and I NEEEDED this mug that said Adios Bitchachos....for therapeutic reasons....Your Honor." See, I can already tell, that's not gonna go well...and it's stressing me out.

Monday, August 22, 2016

A Eulogy

Hit puree!

Product Review: 4-month-old Vitamix $449 Vs. 15-year-old Sunbeam blender $25

The Vitamix is a lumbering machine built for brute force with high-end torque.

The Sunbeam is from Wal-Mart and makes no promises.

Personal Testimony: My Vitamix has made approximately 4 smoothies and 2 salsa batches. Today this mighty apparatus was brought to its knees by a hummus recipe. I swear to God those chick peas took one look at my modern, counter-top, marvel and said, "FUCK YOU TECHNOLOGY". These gangsta garbanzo beans were also wearing Ray Bans and smoking. Which really should have tipped me off to their malevolence.

Personal Testimony: My Wal-Mart Sunbeam blender lasted me thru college right up until this year. It wasn't broken, mind you, I just wanted to level up to the Vitamix like an actual adult. This old blender wasn't fancy or pretty but dammit if it didn't do it's job. Just like a hipster juice bar in SoHo, this blender might take all day to make one smoothie, in small batches, while being terribly annoyed about having to do work, but it WILL get the job done.

In Conclusion: I wish I had appreciated you more Sunbeam. I should have told you how much I appreciated you everyday. Instead, I threw you to the curb. I placed you in a yard sale with a tag that said, "50 cents". Why was I so cold to you? You were the glue in this family. You were the steady rock. You were always there for us, blending your little heart out.

Tonight, before you go to bed talk with your appliances, tell them you appreciate them and that you will care for them in their old age and not cast them aside for a newer, sleeker model. It might be the last chance you get.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Gimme All The Free Shit

So, my last vacation sucked out all my money like a broke vampire and now I need to come up with things to do that are free or nearly free. Help me think people! This is what I have so far. I am a fan of lists...if you couldn't already tell.

1.Slothing (duh)

2.Cow tipping

3.Making crop circles

4.Find a sleeping homeless man and shave his beard off

5.Remove all the oranges from my neighbors tree but leave a pitcher of orange juice then leave a note that reads, "You got squeezed bitch!"

6. Go to Victoria's Secret, take all the free catalogs, draw booby tassles on all the models, bring catalogs back to store, as if nothing ever happened. (side note, apparently I don't know how to spell 'catalog' cuz I made it all French for some reason by adding a 'ue' in there instead of an 'o'? Auto-correct then informed me that I am not that fancy and I'm dumb cuz can't spell)

7. Feed Pop Rocks to a cat

8. Pretend to be insane for a day in order to get all the free hospital food and drugs

9. Aquire an enemy and then graffiti that enemies home with the words, "THIS GUY SELLS WEED! BUY YOUR WEED FROM THIS GUY"

10. Re-evaluate my poor life choices

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

The Queen of Sheba

I don't always write about my travel experiences mostly because I don't want this to turn into a travel blog but with that being said here are some thoughts that I had while on vacation in Israel.

This past month we visited Jerusalem which really just felt like a giant tourist trap. Nothing there is set in stone (pun intended). What I mean by that is none of the historical sites are really verified. Apparently, the story goes that Emperor Constantine's mother was a devout Christian before it was cool. This lady didn't need to post random Bible versus on social media, qualify every statement with #blessed or sit in the front row at church on Sunday mornings with hands held high during a canned Christian power ballad complete with electric guitar solo. Ok, maybe she didn't do these things because she lived like a thousand years ago but don't worry she was still pretty full of herself and her new found #faith.

Constantine's mother took a trip to the holy land and because she was both a powerful and pious Roman woman people came to her with their spiritual questions. Other Romans asked her things like, "Hey, you were in the holy land, so like did you see where they crucified Jesus? Where was He buried? Where did that last supper thing take place? Did you go to temple while there?" So naturally, unable to admit defeat, this woman just started naming random landmarks and claiming that this was where the Christ was buried or killed or ate or caught Pokemon and furthermore, who would challenge her word? She was the Emperor's mother?! Do you wanna get killed bro? Cuz that's how you get killed.

So, in short, that was Jerusalem. Didn't feel particularly spiritual or special but fascinating nonetheless.

While still in this holy city we also learned about the Ethiopian Jews. This is a sect of people who claim to be descendants of the Queen of Sheba. Back in the day the Queen of Sheba was real tight with King Solomon of Israel and they exchanged all kinds of gifts and Solomon even named Sheba an honorary Jew! Who are these people today? Well, they are a group of African Jews who base their heritage on a pretty shaky narrative, at best. They come to Israel to pray and some stay and look for work on the economy. These are the black minority in Israel. They are the people who turn down your hotel room, wash the dishes at restaurants and do other such menial labor that the rest of us don't want to do. They work in silence and most tourists don't make eye contact with them because it makes us feel bad. (myself included)

At the end of our 2 day excursion to Jerusalem our tour guide took us to the National Holocaust Museum. My husband and I weren't looking forward to this part of the trip. I have already visited former concentration camps Buchenwald and Dachau in Germany so I wasn't keen to end my day on another sour note. But this is where my point will start to take shape and the real meaning behind this blog post.

We were incredibly impressed with this memorial/museum. I distinctly remember being in Germany amidst a perfectly manicured lawn with former smoke stacks in the background thinking that I would feel something but I honestly didn't. I remember having a sense of wonder at theses devices that were created for one purpose only, to incinerate human cadavers. We learn about the holocaust in school, on TV, in books and thru media from such a young age that we start to become somewhat desensitized to it. But at this museum I couldn't hold back my tears. We were brought to a children's memorial which consisted of a black room, full of tiny flickering lights all around you and one by one they each burnt out, representing every child who died during "the final solution". Leading up to this area you discover all the people, historical figures, politicians, religious leaders and every day folk of Germany and around the world who said, 'This will never happen! No one REALLY hates these people. These are just common annoyances.' Again and again it was those who didn't speak up or didn't DO anything to fight unchecked racism and hatred or just believed that the impossible couldn't happen.

This emotional experience made me realize something. We can't be the same generation of naysayers or those who choose to remain silent. Oh sure, I don't hate anyone, heaven forbid! I just don't make eye-contact with the Ethiopian maid who takes the towels out of my hotel room. Who have we silently become? History has shown us the error of remaining quiet and we are truly foolish to think this could never happen again. Or has it already? Do we cry out for Africa on a daily basis? Do we really understand the genocides that have taken place amongst those nations? Black people in Israel are dish washers and servants. Black people in America are shot for 'looking like thugs'.

Black lives matter. We give special attention to those of us who are underappreciated in life. No, I don't need to say that all lives matter or blue lives matter. That is understood. Think about it another way. In America we celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day because so often we under appreciate our parents and the sacrifices they made for us. Society doesn't need a Son's Day or Daughter's Day because children are typically over-appreciated. I wonder what would have happend, in the days leading up to WWII, if the world had stood in solidarity and proclaimed, Jewish Lives Matter. I wonder if the modern day Ethiopian identifies with the Jewish narrative and that gives them more reason to be a practicing Jew than a far fetched lineage to the Queen of Sheba? Perhaps they see something of themselves in another group who has been disenfranchised for millennia? Enslaved? Cursed? Murdered?

At the end of the day it doesn't really matter where Jesus was crucified. We don't know, we will probably never know and it is immaterial. What do we know? We know about the holocaust. It is fact. It is vitally important to our understanding of human relations and culture clashes. We know that black people are the subjugates throughout time and place. So let's work with what we know. Be the person who won't remain silent. Be the person who looks a man in the eyes. I will do these things with you. I don't know where the last supper took place but I do know that Christ was a prophet/Messiah/man who spoke up for those that society had bound.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Fall-Guy Model

Life is too short not to wear crop tops. I finally purchased a crop top for the summer and I had to buy it in the 'Juniors' section of my local department store which immediately tells me that I am too old for such half-shirts but I just don't friggin' care ya'll. It's hot outside and this top is SUPER CUTE! Also, wearing a short shirt is a real ab work out, like, you gotta suck it in at all times. Whew! So, for that reason, I consider all crop tops to be athletic wear.

My husband was also very eager to jump on this trend, and by "very eager" I mean, I forced him to ruin one of his shirts for the comedic purposes of this demented blog. You know how there are certain 'types' of models? Runway models, athletic models, plus-size models and on and on goes this list of categorizing the human form. I think there should be a new category for models who are willing to do anything and look stupid doing it. Like, purposefully dumb. No one else is willing to look this dumb. We could call them 'Fall-Guy Models'. We all need a good fall-guy once in a while, someone who is willing to do the asinine.

I think my husband would be a great 'Fall-Guy Model' and not because he's stupid but rather because he truly believes that he looks fucking amazing in any form, wearing almost anything, while performing the stupidest of actions. I have never seen him embarrassed by anything. If you have ever seen the men's fashion at Zara then you know exactly what I am talking about. Who, in his right mind, would wear this crap? Let alone model it? Have you ever overheard a man say, "Hmmm, this button-down is great and all but it could really be improved by a graphic, detailing hordes of flamingos wearing sunglasses and drinking mai tais....also, pink glitter thread and gold buttons." No, you have never heard a man say that. What I am trying to say here is that Zara should hire my spouse as a 'Fall-Guy Model' for their men's spring collection. Sadly, Zara does not tailor clothes for the 6'3" dad bod but only the 5'3" Elvin hipster.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Taste the Rainbow, Bitch

Have you noticed that everyone you know or love has become some kind of specialist or expert on health/fitness and just life in general with absolutely NO credentials? I cannot leave my home or enter the information superhighway without being blasted with, "Sodas are bad for you!", "They contain a BILLION packets of sugar!!!"."You eat pre-packeged, manufactured foods?!! Oh my GOD, do you want to DIE?!!!!".  Let me explain a fun way of dealing with these people.

Years ago, I had a good friend who LOVED it when telemarketers would call the house. He would answer the phone and the telemarketer would launch into the incredible opportunity that awaited this random home owner. My friend would immediately reply, "WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! THIS IS AMAZING!!! YOU CHOSE ME!!! SHARON GET IN HERE! *click*. Mid sentence and through the excitement, he would hang up on the telemarketer. This process was a joy to watch and has helped me deal with stupidity throughout my life. It's very easy to get angry at things like this, but ultimately you can't stop stupidity or annoyances so, why not have fun with it?

Now, telling me that sodas are bad for you is akin to informing me about the dangers of smoking. It is not a mystery that smoking is terrible for you. I see people smoking everyday and feel no need to inform them of the risks involved with smoking. These smokers are adults and are making an informed adult decision. So, when someone 'enlightens' me about the sugar content of sodas, I reply thusly, "WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!! NO ONE HAS EVER TOLD ME THIS BEFORE IN MY LIFE!!!! HOW LONG HAVE WE KNOWN?!!! DO OTHERS KNOW ABOUT THIS EPIDEMIC?!!!!!" Then, I slowly and calmly just fade away into the dark like Batman.

Here is another example. Buzz Kill: "How can you put processed foods into your body?" Me: "YOU TOLD ME TO MAKE MY DIET MORE COLORFUL SO NOW I ONLY EAT SKITTLES AND CHEETOS!!!! TASTE THE RAINBOW BITCH."

I hope this has helped. Now get out there and let's have some good old-fashioned fun! How do you deal with these Buzz Kills? I am open to new techniques.

Friday, June 17, 2016

Weirdly Specific Tarot Cards

Tarot cards are designed to be incredibly vague so that if you have any kind of imagination you can make the reading of the cards somehow about you and your life, past, present and future.

I want to create a deck of tarot cards that are alarmingly specific along with updated vernacular speech. Granted, these won't work on hardly anyone but when they do...

Here are some examples

13: Death
"Girl, delete that old MySpace account. Seriously, kill it and any other outdated social media platforms that you had an account with. These are bad omens and only cause pain, misery and external judgment from others. Herald in the new day and halt the old before the past consumes you.

16:The Tower
"You are too concerned with the lives and gossip of others. Focus on yourself and your immediate goals. Do not isolate yourself. These are your tendencies. If you don't heed this warning you will end up just like that kid in GoT, peeping on that queen in the TOWER boning her brother and then you will be a paraplegic but also can see the future?"

2:The High Priestess
"There are some uppity-ass bitches in your life, Wanda! Excommunicate these whores from your life. You will thank me later, Wanda"

10:Wheel of Fortune
"A series of emojis will go here"

6:The Lovers
"Stay single and your pockets will jingle."

9:The Hermit
"When Netflix asks, 'Are you still watching?' it's because Netflix is afraid that you might be dead. Someone should really alert the authorities, at this point. Rather, you have become a hermit and are incapable of leaving your hobbit hole which contains many leather bound books (Which you don't read) and Netflix."

"Collect all the wands, pass GO and then you win at Tarot! Isn't that how this game works?"

Sunday, June 12, 2016

These Colors Don't Run

Right after the Paris bombings many of us on social media turned our profile pictures into an Eiffel Tower or French slogan to show our support and solidarity with the French people. Soon afterwards, peoples of differing African nations and Middle Eastern countries cried out. Why not change the colors of your online avatar to those of the Afghani flag? Or the Sudanese flag? These are but a few examples of countries that face national atrocities and horrors on an almost daily basis and these occurrences are but a blip on western news. No one would light up the White House with the colors of the Nigerian flag or cover British Parliament in an Algerian banner. The bottom line is this. Westerners have turned a somewhat blind eye to the terrors of Africa. Be honest with yourself. We all do it. The horrors are sadly just too numerous and the issues that cause these problems can't all be solved with money or Doctors Without Borders. These issues are multi-faceted, some even ancient, political, religious, cultural and on and on and on. Because of this we choose to look in the other direction and to not dwell on such sadness. For good, evil or some weird grey area in between this is the way of the western news system and society itself.

Today my husband asked me if I had read the news stories about the shooting in Orlando or the rapist from Stanford University. I shrugged my shoulders and said,"I saw those headlines but I didn't read the stories". In that moment I realized that I didn't bother to actually read about those awful stories for the same reasons that I choose not to go any further than a headline into any of the awful situations in Africa or the Middle East...because the situations are just too numerous. Without knowing it, my mind has subconsciously placed America in with Africa and Atrocities. Obviously America is still safer and more stable than almost any African nation but I'm not sure anyone would glean that from the news headlines. There are shootings, seemingly, every day in the U.S., rapes, robberies, hate crimes, preposterous political campaigns, corruption, extreme wealth disparity and severe lack of charity. Has it gotten this bad?  So bad that when I read about a shooting in the news I just gloss over it as yet another American shooting? Yet another bombing in Africa? Who can keep up with this?

Perhaps it's time to get out of our comfortable suburban bubbles and talk with those that are different from us. Make a friend who is at a different economic level (up or down) from yourself. Talk to a Muslim. Befriend people of differing ethnicities, gender or sexual preference from yourself. Why? Because it's easy to hate a stranger. It's impossible to hate a friend. Get past the headline, make a friend and maybe the stories will begin to change.

Friday, June 10, 2016


Every presidential campaign season comes with it's own level of stupidity and annoyances from both parties but this year has added a new spice to the mix: BREAKING NEWS

Adjust your TV dial (I know it's not the 1960's, we don't have dials anymore) or AppleTV, news website, magazine or actual newspaper to any and I mean ANY news outlet and you will see the bold words: BREAKING NEWS. Underneath this headline you will then see any combination of the following: Obama supports Clinton for democratic nomination, Cruz supports Trump for republican nomination, Pelosi supports Clinton for democratic nomination, Palin supports for Trump for republican nomination and so on.

How, I ask you, is this BREAKING NEWS? All democrats will support all democrats and all republicans will support all republicans. The republican nominee could be the Dark Lord Cthulhu and ALL republicans will support him. Ragnarok, Bringer of Armageddon, could be the democratic nominee and ALL democrats will support him/It. How is this information 'news' let alone BREAKING NEWS?

Here are some examples of ACCEPTABLE BREAKING NEWS!: Obama supports Trump as republican presidential candidate!, Palin supports Clinton as democratic presidential candidate! Haters NOT gonna hate!, Trump calls on Cthulu as vice presidential running mate!, Clinton names Ragnarok as ambassador to Norway!

I also want you to know that I am saying all of these fictitious headlines, in my head, with that transatlantic accent from the 1950's and it is should try it, like, right now.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Explorers' Club

Smoking cigars, surrounded by leather furniture in an atmosphere of thick storytelling has been a dream of mine for quite some time. When I was 6, my dream was to become a unicorn, sadly that dream never came to fruition but becoming a member of the Explorers Club is a fantasy which is actually within reach.

In order to become a member of this prestigious group there are several requirements. First and foremost you need to be more than just a tourist; so unfortunately, I can't put my trip to Dollywood on my application. You must have been an active participant in at least 2 scientific expeditions. Lucky for me, I plan on going on an archaeological dig in Israel and, even more lucky, I have 2 community college credits in BOTH archaeology AND astronomical geology. BOOM! Pretty much an expert at this point. In addition, I have seen ALL the Indiana Jones movies including the terrible 'Crystal Skull' installment of the franchise. I still need to work on my whip technique and (people tell me) that I have an atrocious American accent when I speak Hindi and Bengali.

This club doesn't initiate poor people either. You have to pay dues, which are pretty steep. I guess they just want to keep the riff raff, of the scientific community, out of the club. Can't have a bunch of Dr. Zoidbergs running around. This poses an immediate hindrance to me seeing as I am 'poor'. There is currently no medical cure for 'poor' but I have faith in the medical community. There should really be more 5k's raising money for the cure to 'poor'. Every dollar helps.

Not quite sure how I should conduct my second scientific expedition though? I imagine that I might have to leave the couch and put pants on, which could create a problem. Also, why does "field work" require so many pants? It's like, I'm in the FIELD dude! No one knows if I was wearing pants or not so just chill out. When Jonas Edward Salk created the cure for polio did anyone ask him if he was wearing pants at the time? NO! (Ok, pants rant over) Maybe I should start out small. Like, I really need to explore the dollar menu more at Wendy's. I mean, don't you want to know which side item will pair best with a small frosty and chili? I am conducting this research for you, really. This is for science people.

What are some other Value Menu's, err...I mean "expedition sites" that I should explore? Leave your ideas in the comments and let's explore together!

Monday, May 23, 2016

Remember When Your Life Was in Shambles? Facebook Remembers

Facebook mathematicians have stumbled upon the exact algorithms to find the worst possible photos of you during the most shameful part of your life, and no one is safe. You could be Chris Pratt and FB will only "share memories" from that time you were on the show "Parks and Recreation" and were a little tubby and pasty. It won't mention the fact that people still thought you were adorable, funny and oh yeah...a millionaire, nope the only noteworthy aspect of your life at that time, according to FB, was the fact that you were husky, and people NEED to remember how chunky you were. Will FB remember that you were in the award-winning film "Zero Dark Thirty"? No. Can FB recall the time that you starred in the graphically stunning "Lego Movie?" Nah.

This is sounding like I am creeping on Chris Pratt, which I am....the #creepening, but this example just shows that we are are all pawns in Facebook's elaborate shame game, the #shamening.

Here is my shame...and yes, I did the girl thing and didn't REALLY find the most terrible photo of myself, but a somewhat horrendous one, none the less. I didn't want to render my beloved readers blind after witnessing the ACTUAL worst photo of me, but don't worry Facebook will find it.

Also, shout out to home slice Chris Pratt for being my shame partner in this blog. #shamening

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Captain Hindsight

Please learn from my mistakes. Lying comes very easy to me unless I am put on the spot. I need time to prepare, to get into character, to discover my motivation and research my backstory. Perhaps, this stems from my early childhood when I took acting classes or because I just watch way too much TV however; this is all immaterial. When put on the spot I can't lie worth a damn. Here is a sampling of me on the spot given no preparation:

Police Officer: "What is your name"
PO: "Last name?"
PO:"Ma'am can you please step out of the vehicle"
PO:(Starts reading me my Miranda rights)
(end scene)

I tell you this so that you can be better prepared in awkward or law infringing situations.

A few days ago I was out on a run when a young man approached me and said something to me but I couldn't hear so, I took out my earbuds and he repeated himself, "Hi, I need to practice my massage skills would you like a foot rub, so that I can practice?" Me, "(Open mouth, head thrown back, ugly laughter) No thanks, I'm in the middle of my workout but nice try dude." Random guy, yet again proceeds to follow me and asks, "How about after your run?" Me, "(more laughter) No man, I'm way to busy, adios."

In hindsight, this is how I should have reacted. Random stranger, "Hi, I need to practice my massage skills would you like a foot rub, so that I can practice?" Me, "HELL YES I WOULD!!!!" Then I promptly kick off my tennis shoes to reveal my blistered stinky feet and plop my butt down in the middle of the road right where I was standing, next to the chain link fence and dumpster. Being faced with the reality of my feet and creeped out passerbyers  my (cough) assailant quickly leaves the premises."Terrible try dude, terrible try."
(end scene)

I call this play, "The Creepening" study it, learn it, call all bluffs...and then maybe contact the authorities but hopefully the authorities won't send that same cop who you told, "I SUFFER FROM A RARE CONDITION THAT CAUSES ME TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND ALSO MY LEGS DON'T WORK!!!!!!!"

Friday, May 6, 2016

The Deadliest of Sins

First there was "bunny ears" then there was "planking" and now I offer for your consideration "slothing". The first photo is of me "slothing"(patent pending) in Virginia and the second was me "slothing" it up in Romania. I need to "sloth" my way across the world. The ultimate would be for me to "sloth" in Costa Rica right next to an actual sloth "slothing" about.

Will you be part of my revolution? If you "sloth" anywhere take a pic and send it to me. But, beware, that picture will probably end up on this blog. The world right now is full of "actual" political, religious and environmental revolutions but the "sloth" revolution is for all peoples, everywhere. If you see something that you could hang from (preferably a tree) then hang from it. This is why I can't accomplish anything important. I am too busy hanging from trees and shit.

Side note: I lost my phone in Romania....can't imagine how...probably a "slothing" related incident. So, learn from my mistakes and make sure that all valuables are properly secured before attempting to "sloth". Pregnant women, smokers and those taking certain medications must discuss "slothing" with their doctors before practicing this life style. Always be sure to check the load bearing capabilities of your branch before going into a full "sloth". Lastly, if you call my phone don't be surprised when an old gypsy woman answers it and puts a curse on you. These are the hazards of "slothing", or you know, being totally irresponsible.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Follow Me

Do you follow me on Twitter?

Do you follow me on Instagram?

God knows you need even MORE social media in your life....let me in.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Hello Kitty Goodbye Electric Toothbrush

To all my dental hygiene enthusiasts heed this warning, Satan walks among us. He is the creator of the most demonic presence known to man, err, gingivitis...the ELECTRIC TOOTH BRUSH!

Dentists claim that using an electric tooth brush, on a regular basis, will cut down on plaque, gingivitis, cavities and even reduce the number of cleanings you need per year. After using one of these sadistic devices I can boldly say that I completely agree with the American Dental Association. You know how yearly cleanings are painful, uncomfortable and just plain messy? Well, now imagine having those same irritating feelings, on a daily schedule and in the comfort of your own home! Of course this machine will destroy tooth decay and plaque! It's doing the same annoying job as your dentist and dental hygienist! The sensation is truly terrifying. Imagine a bathroom, in which toothpaste is soaring all across your mirror, the hum of the device is maddening, vibrating (like nails on a chalkboard) over your sensitive gum line, devoid of all cleaning agents because that gel was deposited onto the mirror over your sink and your teeth are chattering from irritation, pain and lack of proper lubrication. 

This must be the work of the dark lord. Only the devil could create something as sinister as an "in-home dentist". I must admit that I was seduced by His promises of a gleaming smile and a shrinking dental bill. But lo! These are mere words on parchment, err, internet, err binary, err LCD get the idea. Well, enough with this talk transformed into 0's and 1's. Many of us are visual learners and for those people I have devised a list of ancient torture devices that I would prefer to be tortured with as opposed to being tortured (nightly) by my electric tooth brush. 

First up...
Whatever the HELL this is?! "Hey bro, just relax while we insert this tiny pyramid up your butt. Also, don't worry. Could be worse....could be an electric tooth brush....up your butt."


Tiny fork torture. Man, these ancients really had a thing for tiny torture devices. Also, it looks like a trident but with only two prongs...does that make it a bident?

Moving on we have...

Stretchy torture. The clergy was all like, "Hey man, nothing personal but the church really frowns on being short...something about 'God has cursed ye hobbits, yadda, yadda, yadda', you know what I'm talkin' about. We gotta stretch you out man...for Jesus. Just be glad you don't have tartar build-up along your gum-line."

And Finally...

An actual dentist with an actual chainsaw. I feel like the dentist would have the courtesy of giving me some local anesthetics or happy gas before chainsawing my face open. Why don't electric toothbrushes come with laughing gas and dino stickers? I need to know that I was brave and did a great job through the positive reinforcement of a dino sticker...but I am willing to settle for Hello Kitty. I'll meet ya half way, Satan.