Monday, December 21, 2015

The Flameshoveler

I have never lived in a truly cold environment. One time it snowed at my house for three days and that was about it. However, during the winter season I see numerous PSA's and news stories about snow storms and the nightmare of having to shovel snow off of your driveway. Many people complain of back problems, time constraints and over-all fatigue due to shoveling snow.  I might have a solution to the snow shoveling situation.

Just stop. Seriously. Just buy a flamethrower and torch the shit outta that snow. Make the snow your winter time bitch! I found this on Amazon for $300.

This bad boy can reach temperatures of 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit. You could just flame your driveway in under 10 seconds flat with this mechanical dragon.

Back pain? Torch it! Fatigue? Torch it! No time? Torch it! Torch your way to the clearest driveway in the neighborhood!

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Adult Coloring Books

As many of you know, Christmas is upon us. It is a time for giving, sharing and kindness to all mankind. For me, Christmas is a time to buy me all the things because I am dangerously low on THINGS.

I asked my husband for one of those 'adult coloring books'. In these books, grown-ups can fill in intricate designs with beautiful and delicate colored pencils. Many different design styles are represented in these books such as Art Nouveau, Mandala, Kaleidoscopes and Panoramic Nature Scenes. My husband was shocked by this Christmas request. He assumed that when the word 'adult' is placed before any noun that that person, place, thing or idea is covered in dicks. I would rather not color-in phallic images for Christmas much to my husbands dismay.

"Erotic Coloring Books" would be a great name for my spouses book business. This way, you know that the images are going to be EROTIC, instead of, books meant for adults to color in trippy designs. Titles will include:
"A study on Boobs"
"Mammory Mazes"
"Dicks, Design and Drafting"
"A Penis for your Thoughts"
"Calming Cleavage"
"Taste the Rainbow"

To be sold in ADULT book stores across North America.

Monday, November 30, 2015

Christmas Card Chaos Is Finally Here!

My Christmas cards finally came in the mail the other day! (Thanks Tiny Prints!) I have successfully added my likeness to my new Christmas card family! This new (some might say better) family consists of myself, shirt-less Taye Diggs, our tiny Asian love child and a menagerie of camels and parakeets all sporting Santa hats. You can almost taste the chaos! I cannot WAIT for my family and friends to open these wonders! I only wish I could see their faces.

Merry Christmas ya'll!

Monday, November 16, 2015

Why We Die

Never fear, feel lonely or sad. Know that some piece of you still exists in this universe and will linger on thru the ages. Your works will become outdated or outsourced. Your great-grandchildren will forget your name and your worldly possessions will wither like a Kardashian without 24/7 media coverage.

I speak of your precious MySpace account. Naturally, I had forgotten about this horrendous webpage that I created at the tender age of 18 until a friend of mine tried to find me on the site and by "find me" I mean, "probably blackmail me" and by "friend" I mean, "probably an internet assassin". I had a difficult time locating my old internet stomping grounds because I searched my actual name (like a normal human) but, of course, back when I was 18 my real name wasn't cool instead I had to find my atrocious screen name (that was also, somehow, misspelled) (How you manage to misspell a fictional word is beyond me but my 18 year old self found a way GODDAMMIT!) The horrors of that social media account are far too numerous to list here so instead I invite you to see for yourself!

After many struggles to procure my old account my husband just assumed that MySpace removed my profile since I haven't even logged into it since Brittney Spears was still relevant. "I guess you just weren't producing enough content.", he said. Is this not a simile for life, I ask you? What are we doing at age 80? Probably not working or having children just being, I guess? It is as if the universe says, "Hey man, nothing personal but I gotta take you out. You had a good run but you just aren't producing enough content anymore.". If this were the case then why do some people kick the bucket at the very height of their career or work output? Perhaps, they were just operating on an obsolete interface. Only the universe can truly know the answers to these questions. Someday I will query the big motherboard in the sky but for now it is nice to know that some piece of me has survived thru countless wars, human atrocities, that weird Jack Johnson phase and Caitlin Jenner.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Christmas Card Chaos!

Every year I struggle to produce the perfect Christmas card. Classy? Tasteless? Irreverent? Religious? Far Side? I strive for timeless elegance but always manage to end up with something like this...

This year's Christmas card theme will be "Chaos Theory". Instead of sending out the traditional card that consists of a photo of me and my husband and some rando Christmas clip art, I have decided to enclose a photo of myself with a total stranger. Preferably, that stranger would be a strong African American man and (fingers crossed!) a tiny Asian baby and our 4 parakeets all wearing tiny Santa hats. This card will be sent out to our nearest and dearest with absolutely no explanations except for the obligatory Happy Holidays moniker. I will then cease and desist from all social media and merely watch the chaos ensue from my front row seat! I will not answer emails, telephone calls or any other queries. My relatives will be in total media darkness. "Is she divorced?", they will say. "Was she Asian this whole time and we didn't know?" "If so, then what persuAsian is she?" "I thought she hated birds?" "We all thought she was racist?" "I guess not?" None of these questions will be answered.

After all, what better way to celebrate the birth of our Lord than alienating your entire family? I think the very first Christmas card would have been similar to my current plan. Picture it. Mary amongst a plethora of farm animals (for no apparent reason) alongside her would-be spouse and an angel floating in the background. The foreground would be composed of a tiny baby born not of Joseph but of a Higher Power. Now, put yourself in the shoes (or should I say sandals) of Mary's mother. You haven't spoken to your daughter in over a fortnight and out of the blue you receive this card in the mail by donkey express.There are no words, no explanations except for a crudely painted portrait and a solicitation of pure faith.

Is my card really that different? Maybe I'm not trying to start a grass-roots religion but God knows I will sacrifice everything for comedy.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Life Hack for a Sparkling Clean Home

Today I had the morning off from work so, naturally, I have accomplished nothing. I have spent the last hour online searching for a reliable cleaning service.

Here is my life hack. Instead of looking for a maid, for over an hour online, maybe just start cleaning your house for that hour instead. The truth hurts, I know.

I really don't want a maid because I don't think I can handle the judgement. He or she will be judging how dirty I am and then returning to their domicile later that evening to discuss my level of filth with their significant other. "Can you believe I found guitar picks in the cereal boxes?!", said my fictional maid or manservant (because feminism). Why was the maid going thru my cereal boxes?! I also can't handle this person judging my level of laziness either. I can't leave this stranger alone in my home, whom I have never met before, with all of my valuables and by "valuables", I mean, my set of Hulk Hands, shitty paintings that I have painted at one too many Wine and Paint Nights and my cacti collection. So, instead of leaving this person alone at my home, I will be sitting on the couch playing video games. Meanwhile, the maid or manservant is thinking to themselves, "Why doesn't she just clean? She clearly has nothing better to do? I should really charge her $900 an hour...that seems fair." Lastly, I don't want to hire a cleaning service out of fear that I have become the bourgeois. Basically, this will make me feel like a giant ass hole, "CLEAN MY MANSION PLEBEIAN!" My family never used a cleaning service and neither have I so this would be my first experience and it's already making me feel like I failed Home Economics.

At this point, my only safe and judgement free option is to just get a Roomba, until the robot uprising of 2037, that is.

Friday, October 9, 2015

One Critique to Rule Them All

I have recently developed a new way in which to judge films. I call it the "Nutty Professor to LOTR" rating system. For example, let's pretend you just watched the film 47 Ronin (which was terrible) you would rate this movie at 1 Nutty Professor on the scale of Nutty Professor to LOTR. If, say, you just got done viewing The King's Speech (which was excellent) you would give that movie 2 LOTR's for being brilliant. However, no film will ever be awarded 4 LOTR other than the actual Lord of the Rings trilogy (and maybe Star Wars-the other holy trinity). Likewise, no film can be as bad as the actual Nutty Professor so ONLY the actual Nutty Professor can receive 4 Nutty Professors. The scale only goes to 4.

I think this will clear up a lot of movie reviews out there on the internet once my system has been put into practice.

Oh and your welcome.

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Strong Weather Friends (Quick Tips on Finding Your Halloween Bestie)

We all have friends...some fair weather and some hurricane weather level friends. You can't be best friends with everyone, there just aren't enough hours in the day to devote to such an intense relationship and you are  not Oprah. If you are Oprah and you are reading this right now then I would just like to say, thanks for being my best friend Oprah, I don't know how you put up with me!

This Halloween season (the most magical season of them all! Back off Christmas! I will cut you!), there are a few things to look out for when choosing your best friend and these tips will help you on your journey to bestfriendom.

If you walk into a Halloween party and no one understands your costume and you are constantly having to explain it to everyone in the need to leave that party IMMEDIATELY. These people are not cool enough to be your friends. So what if you dressed as Dr. Girlfriend from the Venture Brothers from season 5 episode 8, that's not obscure, that is dope as hell and these people are just not on your cosplay level.

Diligently search out the one who hates what you love. And by this, I mean, if you love gummy candies then find someone who hates gummy candies. Real friendship is born of things that truly matter like virtue, strength, comradery and the ability to stay the FUCK away from my precious Haribo Bears!

Be on the look out for a partner in crime. Halloween can be mischievous and your neighbors house isn't going to tee pee itself. You need a reliable battle buddy, preferably someone with a strong right arm because flingin' toilet paper is harder than it looks.

Through thick and thin we are kin! Having fun, drinking, tee peeing houses and going to parties is great but who will be there for you in the morning? The dreaded day AFTER Halloween? This is the real test. The friend who stayed up till 4am with you just to watch horror movies or commit minor crimes or helped you into your Dr. Girlfriend costume and stayed thru it all till the dawn. They helped you clean up a sea of red solo cups off your living room floor, pulled chewing gum out of your hair (how it got there is a mystery for the ages), threw away the detritus of smashed pumpkins and with a smile on their face. Till next year best friend. You have truly weathered the storm of ultimate friendship.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Make-up Tips!

Can someone please explain to me why every make-up company still produces blue eye shadow? Blue eye shadow has always been tacky. It was never popular. This powder is only useful on prostitutes and Halloween costumes (most of which are prostitute costumes). I wanted to make one of those 'flow chart memes' but that sounded like work, so instead, I have compiled a list of individuals who can pull of this bold look, in any season! People who are allowed to wear blue eye shadow are as follows:
Tammy Faye Baker (or just anyone named 'Tammy' for that matter)
Tim Curry in Rocky Horror Picture Show
Betty Boop
The clown from Stephen King's 'It'
Everyones' grandmother
Paula Deen
Barbie Dolls
Dolly Parton (She can do NO wrong!)
People who are forced to work at Walgreens
The entire cast of Steel Magnolias

If you don't find your name on this very short list then you should not be wearing blue eye shadow. Hope this helps! Be on the look out for more beauty tips! Next in  this fun series: Contouring, Not Just for the Face!

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Can I Be Your Familiar?

Forgive and Forget. This is something that I struggle with because, even though I can't seem to remember any of the SAT words or where I placed my keys, I can still remember everyone who owes me money and anyone who has ever wronged me.

I desperately need one of two things in my life right now, either, a vampire who can erase my memory and make me believe that I am a starting forward for the Pacers (I don't actually know what any of those words mean, I just put a bunch of sports words together so, feel free to correct me) OR that device from Men in Black that could permanently erase your memory. Either way, both methods would only be required to erase catty bullshit that women say to other women or write in text message or post on Facebook...because that's how petty I am. Hopefully, I would get a hot vampire to erase my mind or a young Will Smith to cancel those brain waves but I'm not picky.

Forgiving the repentant is easy but forgiving someone who is an asshole is another thing altogether. For this incredible feat, I would definitely require mythical or fantastical intervention. I can't do this on my own. I NEED  YOU WILL SMITH!!! I never thought I would need Will Smith so badly. Wait! What if, now stay with me here, what if, Will Smith (From MIB) were also a vampire?!!!! OMG I would be able to forget SO MUCH!!!

Ok, I will have my people get with Big Willy's people and see if he is interested in turning to the night as a permanent lifestyle choice. Then, I will become his PR person and together we will build a self-help empire based around memory loss! Or, women could just stop being bitches so that other women don't have to get their brains wiped clean from vampire, MIB, Will Smith. Do you see how confusing that could get? Seriously, just be nice to people, don't gossip and I promise you that vampire, MIB, Will Smith won't eat your brains. Jeez.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Life Is Too Short Not to Wear Crop Tops

In the late '90's crop tops were back in style. I think they were back from the 60's? Who knows? The crop top comes and goes as it pleases like a slutty Cheshire cat in the night.  Short sweater style tank tops, athletic wear crops and ripped up concert tees were the school uniform, at that time. I owned a few sweater and t-shirt style ones and I felt very grown up/badass while wearing my slightly shorter than normal blouse at the ripe old age of 15. Being 15 years old puts you on a very weird life cusp. You are not quite an adult, but you are most definitely not a child, either. Several adults in my life thought that the crop top was too revealing for teenage girls and had no place in Seventeen magazine whose main demographic was actually 13 year old girls. My crop top days were numbered.

Now, as an adult (I guess) this vertically challenged fashion statement is back! Finally, I am old enough to enjoy this sudden trend without fear of persecution! Wait! Now, I'm too old?!!!! Is 30 too old to bear a mid drift that has never born a child?  What was the right age? Did I miss it? How could that have happened? How can such a perennial fashion statement have such a small window of opportunity for the wearer? When CAN one wear a ripped tee? I believe the window is 2 years in college right before your last year and you get serious about your career and interviews and other grown up nonsense. Nothing says "professional business woman" quite like a torn, mid drift bearing, Radio Head shirt.

Life is too short not to wear crop tops. The window is too small, much like the blouse. (Do people say blouse? Pretty sure only my grandma says 'blouse') Show your weird belly button! Let me see those stretch marks! Wait, maybe not. Ok, who cares! Do WHAT YOU WANT! I don't know when belly buttons are age appropriate and I just don't care. I missed the window in college, didn't get enough time in high school and so, now I will let  my belly button be the star of the show! I wish I knew at 15 years old what I know now. But,then again, I have always known these truths. Be yourself, show some skin and curse whenever. The real difference is that no one can ground you and take away your phone privileges at 30. It's good to be 30, enjoy it.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Drugs Are Expensive

Cross fit gyms cost on average twice the monthly rate that a normal people gym does...whay?! It's just an industrial building with no heat or AC, no pool, no basketball courts or personal trainers and no employees. It's just a bunch of tetanus covered refuse found in a junk yard and then thrown into a warehouse. Here ya go! Here's an old tire, lift it. Here are some heavy frayed ropes, shake them. Here are some bricks, also lift them. Now, give us $125. Also, we don't have towels or water. Thank you, come again!

I'm thinking about opening up my own Cross fit gym in the old abandoned Albertson's grocery store by my parents house. Overhead seems pretty low.

Rent= free, cuz I straight stole the place
Employees= also straight free because I either don't need any OR I will start hiring the hobos who already live in the Albertsons's
Utilities= None, bring your own shit! What? Does this LOOK like a Gold's Gym to you?
Machines/Exercise Equipment= Luckily, Albertsons left some of their crap behind so people can just lift old refrigerators, push deep freezers around and toss dilapidated cash registers back and forth

What will THIS Cross fit gym offer that others can't? You ask? Mostly drugs. Many other exercise facilities would frown upon steroid use and other performance enhancing drugs. Here at Albertson's Cross Fit we still have a "somewhat" stocked pharmacy and plenty of lock cutters. Our homeless employees will be your personal pushers of fitness glory!

I foresee this gym ending in a "Breaking Bad" type scenario but not before Albertson's sues over defamation of character. Maybe this is exactly why all other Cross fit gyms are so expensive? They need to pay off the feds, be able to afford great defense attorneys and obviously, buy drugs. Drugs are expensive.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Algorithms Are Terrible Bankers

No matter how many times (587 to be exact) I tell my bank that I have moved (because we are in the military a.k.a vagabonds and this is never going to change so get used to it) my credit card STILL gets declined!

Today, I spoke with a cards services representative and he told me that the real problem lies within the algorithms. "Your bank has almost no control over your card being declined. There exists an algorithm that tracts what countries or states commit the most credit card fraud and that data can change day by day or even hour to hour. The computer system then flags your card for suspicious activity and the bank immediately declines all further purchases until they hear from the consumer"

Computers are finally running our lives. If this is the case then shouldn't I at least get a jet-pack or something out of the deal? Machines take away my freedom of choice and humanity but in return I gain a jet-pack. I was promised jet-packs by the Jetsons. We have been lied to. An infinite series of zeros and ones controls my money and I don't even get any cool glasses like La Forge from Star Trek. Can I get a protocol droid like C-3P0? I would even settle for a cool beverage that is electric green, smokes and contains a live lizard. Seriously, you could buy me off with weird futuristic cocktails, I don't ask for much people! (I mean ROBOTIC OVERLORDS)

Somewhere in cyberspace lies the debris of declined purchases. Nothing can stand in the way of this mathematical juggernaut, the Algorithm.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Nevermore! Quoth the Amazon

There was a time, long ago, when customers walked into a store, bought a 12 pack of white socks and NO ONE asked them to review the item purchased! No humans, no phone calls, no emails and no ad placements on social media ever asked the customer to review their purchase of a 12 pack of white socks and their shopping experience. The questions of, "Did this item meet your needs?", "Describe your shopping experience" and "Would you recommend a 12 pack of white socks to other customers?" were ever even proposed.

Now, I can only imagine a blissful utopia where I quietly purchase my econo size bag of socks. No one will know the shame of my poverty stricken feet. Facebook does not exist to proclaim to the world that I just purchased socks that were probably made by modern day slaves in China. I would not receive at least 4 emails a day from this horrid sock company asking me to leave a nice review.

The hounding never ends. Beep, beep, beep goes my infernal phone as update after update roll into the tiny computer like waves announcing and now, demanding that I critique my shopping experience and the quality of products that I have bought. There is no rest for the wicked. The incessant noise becomes a pulse of not just sound but also of light on my desk top; a constant reminder of my forgetfulness and moderately priced sock addiction. Neither the cover of night nor the deliverance of daybreak can cleanse me of this succubus. Beep, beep, beep goes the device.

Sleep comes slowly as dreams are rated by stars. One star dreams or four star dreams? Thumbs up or thumbs down on going in to work today? I cannot afford the luxury of ignorance. I  know for a fact whether or not this atrocious sock company has met my needs or not. In this story, the truth most certainly does not set you free. To give an honest opinion is to be harassed even more! The beast comes to me thru the amazonian internet jungle. "Remove your tainted evaluation and a gilded donation will await you!", the beast hisses.

Truly I say to you, there is no rest for the wicked. Beware the deals. Beware the socks and be free of the immutable beep, beep, beep.

Sunday, August 23, 2015


My mom had a good friend in the mid to late 90's who would wake up every morning to go for a 'jog' at 6 am. This man had calves of steel and was very committed to his walk-man and knee high white socks because it was the 90's, after all. I cannot remember the last time I heard the word 'jog'. Apparently, no one jogs anymore. We run.

At some point in the early 2000's 'jogging' was re-branded as 'running'. In the 90's I always envisioned 'jogging' and 'running' as two completely different entities. Jogging was a light trot, if you will, while running was going balls out, if you will. At least, these were the definitions that existed in my mind. Around this time period Tiger Woods was turning golf into front page news and Lance Armstrong made riding a bike thru France a sport that mattered. The wide, wide world of sports was expanding faster than the DVD section at Block Buster. We were starting to root for the underdog sports and the nation was gearing up for the Olympics where running, not jogging, often takes center stage...or track.

There are a few sports that could use some PR help, by way of a marketing reboot. My first submission is cricket. Here is a sport that needs to appeal to American audiences. As a nation, we like our lemonade 'Hard', our music loud and heavy and our sports Xtreme! Crickets might be the least offensive insects next to the lady bug. Jiminy Cricket immediately comes to mind. He sings, he dances and most importantly this beloved Disney arthropod wants you to be a loyal and honest mouseketeer. How about Scorpion in place of the term Cricket? Way more extreme,venomous and not featured on over-priced brick-a-brack at Disney World/Land.

Next up, softball....seriously?! First, you don't let women play baseball then you give them a 'pity' sport and call it SOFTBALL?! This is just archaic and misogynistic. Here's a suggestion, how about 'bigball' because the balls are BIGGER. DEAL WITH IT. These ladies have bigger's just science.

Finally, tennis. What does that word even mean?! When french royalty decided to create tennis, they also thought they could just make up words too. So, I am giving myself the same liberty and re-naming tennis, 'Dravex', why? I don't know. I'm French royalty and I make the rules PEASANTS!!!

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Let's Go Ice Skating, Covered in Mud!

Why are all activities now covered in mud? Mud runs, mud zumba, mud soccer, mud ultimate Frisbee, mud kickball, mud, mud, mud, mud! The obsession with mud is totally lost on me. I like to be clean and am kind of a germophobe. It is difficult to understand the mentality behind the family of four getting together one evening and discussing the possibility of waking up at 7am, on a Sunday, to run for 3.5 miles in 95 degree weather all while covered in sticky, hot, wet, earth. THE PERFECT SUNDAY!!!! The real insanity here is that you have to PAY MONEY in order to participate in this navy seal level of fun. Have these people never heard of Netflix? Or brunch? Or Mimosas? Not to mention the fact that before said mud (insert activity) you will also have to purchase brand new clothes for the purpose of being totally destroyed after this mud exercise.

So, in short, here is the break down:

Pay money to participate in mud activity
Buy new clothes to ruin during your mud activity
Wake up at 7am, on a Sunday
Run in mud
In crippling heat
Spend rest of day cleaning wet dirt out of EVERY orifice your body has to offer

I just don't understand the appeal.

Therefore, I would like to start the first annual "White Linen Suit Run (In air-conditioned building)". All proceeds will go to Germophobes Anonymous and our sponsors will include Lysol, Swiffer, Clorox and Dove. Refreshingly cool mimosas will be served directly after the finish line.

Monday, August 10, 2015

Feminism in the Age of Ultron

Seriously, I think I have written no less than 5 different posts on the Avengers and I don't know why? It was a dumb movie and yet here we are, again. There has recently been a lot of chatter on social media and amongst, comic book fans and movie critics about the lack of female super heroes who go beyond the role of side-kick or femme fatale. The outcry is demanding a strong female lead. A stand-alone character who is smart, funny, self-deprecating and of course, kick-ass is what feminism needs in the Marvel movie franchise. We will just have to wait for Wonder Woman to hit the box office in order to discover this Amazonian utopia but, in the mean time, I am settling for a much smaller yet significant victory.

There is a scene in Avengers:Age of Ultron that has been overlooked by the masses for it's super hero suffrage. The scene takes place at a lively party in Tony Stark's lavish mansion. Thor and Tony are both at the bar, enjoying some adult beverages and discussing the notable absence of both of their significant others, namely Pepper Potts and Jane Foster. An argument soon erupts between the two dashing super heroes over who has the most powerful, intelligent, decorated and successful girlfriend. Words like "Nobel Peace Prize" and "CEO" are thrown around and neither one of our two protagonists ever mentions the physical aspects of either woman. There is absolutely no talk of "who has the prettier girlfriend", "the youngest girlfriend", "the nastiest girlfriend", "the wildest girlfriend", "the biggest boobs"....I could go on forever. I think you get the idea.

This scene says something quite drastic and incredible to young women of today. If you choose to become a bad-ass, take no prisoners CEO and dominate the business world then you can also have a bad-ass dude to go along with your already bad-ass lifestyle. Don't be a princess. Be a motherfucking SCIENTIST, discover another dimension and receive super hot, altruistic, demi-god/alien boyfriend. Because guys are into that sorta thing. Keep in mind you also have to look like Natalie Portman...I didn't say we won the fight just yet. I said this has been a small victory, ladies.

I like to think that my husband is also at a luxury mansion party (WHY DIDN'T HE INVITE ME?!!!) somewhere, defending my honor and bragging about how intelligent I am and how many awards I have earned. The reality is I haven't really done anything. One time I got a "Participant" ribbon in a 2nd grade bike rodeo. I still don't know what a "Bike Rodeo" is?

Wednesday, August 5, 2015


Some of you may use an App called DuoLingo. This is language learning software that rewards daily tasks with "idioms". An example of an English idiom would be, "It's raining cats and dogs." The more lessons that you complete in DuoLingo, the more idioms become unlocked to the learner. These idioms should be statements or questions that might come up in day to day conversations with a native speaker of whatever language it is that the student is trying to learn.

I recently met a Berber man who was trying to learn English and Italian thru a similar App on his smart phone. Under his English idioms, that he had unlocked, was the phrase "fag hag". As if, "fag hag" is going to come up in a typical English conversation.

Here is an example of a normal English language conversation: Q: "How are you today?" A: "I am fine but I wish this fag hag would back up off my grill". See! Totally normal situation.

Unfortunately, I had to describe, to the best of my abilities, what a "fag hag" is to this poor gentleman. A lot was lost in translation but some things supersede language such as math, music and the arts. Sadly, the term "fag hag" supersedes nothing, if anything, I'm pretty sure it hinders language skills and might get you knocked out in a bar fight. Language skills should build bridges; not tear them down with a Molotov cocktail and hate speech.

Here are my suggestions for English idioms to any language learning software companies out there:

"Those kicks are dope"

"You be lookin' fly today!"

"Would you care for some chronic?"

"News team assemble!"

"I think I might have restless leg syndrome"

"Will you be on my squad?"

"You do you."

"Those beats are illmatic"

"Swiggity swooty I'm comin' for that booty!"

"Will you be my battle buddy in World of Warcraft?"

"What is World of Warcraft?"

Do you see how positive all those idioms were? Or at least neutral? Let's build some bridges people! What idiom do you suggest I add to this AMAZING roster?

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Freedom Isn't Free

Qualifying statements such as, "as a military spouse" often annoy me because I don't consider being a military spouse to be a defining attribute to my over all character or being. With that being said, it is difficult to move every few years and cope with the constant 'hellos' and 'goodbyes'. Only a fellow military spouse can even begin to understand the joy and misery that comes with constant movement. I have learned not to linger. I have learned to move on and I have learned to remember all the wonderful humans that I have met along my many journeys. If you have ever felt alone or that you can't stop wandering, just remember that in Sorrento, Italy there is a place that serves alcohol, pizza and freedom. It's gonna be ok you guys...we still have freedom and pizza...fuck ya.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

You Had One Job

Have you ever been insulted in such a way as to instill an emotion of deep hatred and resentment towards your condescending accuser? If you have, you are not the only one. So many of us have felt the ire of being told how to reheat pop tarts by the box of pop tarts, itself. The humiliation of the phrase, "Contents may be hot" and my personal favorite, "results may vary". I never knew that "results varied"? I thought that if I died my hair with $4 Revlon semi-permanent, hair dye that I would look EXACTLY like the super model on the box! Where are my sun-kissed highlights? The haunting low-lights? A perfectly quaffed blow out and bleached teeth?! WHERE ARE YOU!!!! Apparently, my 'results varied'. They varied off into a world, much realer than the photo-shopped box would have lead me to believe. 

I have often wondered, who needs these patronizing instructions in their day to day lives? Today that query has been answered! In the above photo, you will notice that the gentleman/woman who was in charge of "Display Management" was a little unsure about how to hang t-shirts properly. To be fair and just we must first realize that this person already had a pretty trying day before heading off to their retail job this morning. First, this human burned the sin out of some strawberry pop tarts. After he/she put out the ensuing toaster oven fire he/she realized that their hair had been processing for FAR too long. They had flames to squelch at the time so the new doo was not a top priority thus leaving our hero with bleached eyebrows and several chemically-burned bald spots. Finally, this register jockey is off to work but not before picking up a cup of steaming hot Joe! Good thing the lid to the coffee was tightly secured! That could have been a disaster! This salesperson just couldn't get their head in the game today but it's ok. He makes me feel important, beautiful and intelligent. How would I know if I was smart or not when I have nothing to compare myself to? 

People need to know that it could be worse. You could be ugly(ier), fat(ter) and dumb(er). I am here to tell you that you are beautiful, you are important and you know how to hang t-shirts like a pro. 

Friday, July 3, 2015

Sailing the High Seas of Surveys

I recently went on a cruise and after our sea voyage we were given surveys to fill out. These surveys were highly confusing to me. Why does this cruise line need my academic qualifications? Am I not "qualified to cruise"? Am I over-qualified to cruise? These seemed like arbitrary questions so I gave my most arbitrary answers.

The reality of this situation is the fact that all companies use surveys as a means to better understand their key demographics and how to better advertise to those people groups. But, does a cruise line really need to administer surveys to know that the key demographics of most cruises are 50 to 60 year old, wealthy couples? I don't think so, therefore; I felt the need to shake things up a bit. Their new demographic will be 30 year old sorceresses who live on the moon.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

These Colors Don't Run!

If I told you that I was home-schooled, you would probably assume that I believe humans co-existed with the dinosaurs, I wear floor length jean skirts and DC Talk is my favorite band. In reality, I grew up listening to Megadeath and watching movies like Priscilla Queen of the Desert, The Bird Cage and To Wong Foo with my mom (all films were censored on cable TV, of course). Did I attend church? Yes, and it was my own choice; not that of my folks. In many ways my "sheltered" life style really only sheltered me from hate and bigotry. I never knew that people were still racist or that women couldn't conquer the world and gay was somehow a choice/sin. I thought those ideas only existed on TV or the movies for drama. People didn't really believe those things?! Or, maybe they did like 200 years ago? As I got older and left the house I started to realize that people did believe these things and they went out of their way to terrorize those minority groups.

My mom once told me, "I don't care if any of my children turn out to be gay. It wouldn't change my love for them. But, if given the choice, I would want them to be straight so that they wouldn't have to face hate and ridicule." For some reason, I always remembered that statement. Hopefully, we are entering into a new era in society in which our children won't have to face such hate and ridicule due to the color of their skin, their gender or their sexual identity. Why hate something that no one can control? Hate crime, hate violence but don't hate skin and love. Gender, sex and hormones are just skin and love...

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Update: The Shredder

I have decided that if you come up with a solution to one of my many queries you will be upgraded from 'Think Tank Follower' to 'Tank Girl/or Boy'.

In a post from a month ago I forced my rage for shredding chicken onto the internet and the internet replied. Several 'followers' told me that it is possible to shred chicken in a food processor; however, I do not own a food processor because I am not an adult. So then, a friend of mine GAVE me a Ninja food processor and all I can say is that the Ninja, samurai shredded the FUCK out of that chicken breast! I highly endorse this product. My only complaint would be that it worked too well. I pulsed the machine for maybe 5 seconds and the meat went from shredded to completely pulverized or like the consistency of finely ground beef.

Shredding chicken, with two forks, would normally take me anywhere from 10 to 20 minutes to do and now with the ancient art of Japanese self defense on my side this process only takes 5 seconds. The only question that still remains is what will I do with all my newly found free time?! I will spend this leisure time wisely, by watching every cat video the internet has to offer. Meow for now bitches.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

The Meme of Dr. Moreau

Recently, I was inspired by llamacorn to make a more insidious chimera of my own design. Meet camelsus, part pegasus, part camel and 100% awful. He flies thru the air groaning like a Kirstie Alley in heat and spitting on everything in sight from high in the sky. 

Notice how shitty this image looks. I own Photoshop but my computer has so much crap on it that if I were to actually upload Photoshop the laptop might explode. Therefore, I had to use an image hosting site to create this blasphemy. You're welcome internet. I think Dr. Moreau would be proud of both camelsus and llamacorn but I'm sure that PETA would have complaints about both mythical beasts. Just let me play God!!! I want my camelsus!!!!

If you could play God, Shiva, Allah, Christ, the Goat God's your choice of deity here, what abomination would you create and why?

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

That's After My Time

Sometimes people...young people will make a statement in reference to pop culture that they are unfamiliar with. The statement goes as such, "I've never heard that (song), it was before my time."

I recently found out that I am old because I just used the term "young people" in a sentence...get off my lawn you hooligans!!! Sorry, got distracted. Old person problem.

Anyways, as I was saying, this broad statement is incredibly annoying. It means one of two things: 1 you are uneducated or 2: You simple don't know every song ever created by man because there are MILLIONS of them. You would have to be a sparkling vampire to even scratch the surface of pop culture in America and it is OK to admit that you simply don't know something AND that you are mortal and NOT a sparkly vampire.

Telling people that something is "before your time" therefore, you have no clue about the subject, makes no sense.

Here are some examples of things/people that were "before MY time" and yet, I am still well aware of their existence.

1: The Beatles
2: The Rolling Stones
4: George Washington
5: Dallas (the TV show)
6: The Louisiana Purchase
7: Captain Kangaroo
8: Disco
9: Atari game systems
10: Bob Dylan

Listen (or read) how stupid this sentence sounds, "The Louisiana Purchase? I don't know, I guess that was just before my time." Stupid, that sounds really stupid. This (young) person should have said, "Hmm, I am unfamiliar with that part of American history." Not stupid, that sounds really not stupid. (However, that last sentence was EXTREMELY stupid).

So many things were before my time, some things are during my time and an infinite amount of things will be after my time.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Salmonella Be Damned, I'm Eating Chick-Fil-A

People always ask me what they can send to me that we don't have here in Italy. The answer is always the same, a teleportation device so that I can teleport Chick-Fil-A straight to my tum tums. With the new service of Amazon Prime I can order almost anything that I would want from America to Italy except for all of my white trash staple foods such as: Long John Silvers, Chick-Fil-A, Cracker Barrell, Church's Chicken and Dairy Queen.

I have written about my husband's amazing attributes before (in Trophy Husband) but a few months ago he really out did himself. He did what others said was impossible. He laughed in the face of UPS, Amazon and the U.S. Postal Service. He tested the very limits of airport security and the TSA. Similar to the smuggling capabilities of Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon, he brought Chick-Fil-A to Europe! He didn't even need Chewbaca's help to fend off tie fighters and the galactic empire.

My husband recently took a trip to Florida and on the last leg of his trip he noticed, glistening like the Emerald City of Oz, a Chick-Fil-A in the Jacksonville airport. He then proceeded to purchase two spicy chicken sandwiches and two regular chicken sandwiches for a grand total of four sandwiches. In retrospect, he should have paid for a checked bag and filled it with sweet, tasty nugs...another time, perhaps.

I received these heavenly, southern delights about 15 hours later and slightly crushed from being smashed into his backpack. Also, his backpack smells AMAZING. I put the chicken in the fridge to chill over night, in an attempt to kill any bacteria that most certainly started to thrive in the dark enclosure of that carry-on.

To my surprise, I did not die of salmonella or any other food borne bacteria. In fact, I thrived! I don't know when I will ever have Chick-Fil-A again but for now I have the crispy, greasy memories of sandwiches long gone.

If you find another way of getting me Chick-Fil-A or any other white trash food item please let me know. Hopefully it will be a way that does not include a $1,200 plane ticket or a delicate dance with food borne illness.