Thursday, February 23, 2012

Genocide WILL get you out of school

The Christian religion has about as many permutations as Yankee Candle has scents. Oh, and by the way, Yankee Candle, "Moon Light" is not a scent. One, because I cannot smell reflected light and two, I'm sure that the moon does not, in fact, emit a scent. But, then again I am no scientist. I'm sure Yankee Candle employs lots of scientists...and doctors.

But, like I was saying, Christianity has a plethora of theologies. Many Christians believe that God has pre-planned the entire universe and that every thing happens according to His omnipotent will. I don't buy this and I'll tell you why, in the form of a parable, since we are getting all Biblical here anyways.

I had a student come into my office the other day and upon entering she proclaimed, "I'm sooo excited!". Me, "Really? What brings on this excitement?". Student, "Tomorrow I'm going on a field trip!". Me, "Really? Where too?". Student, "To the Holocaust museum!". Me, (look of terror and confusion). Once my mind rebooted, I asked why on earth she would be excited about such a thing? "Well", she said, "I don't really care what we do as long as it gets me out of school for the day."

I always wondered why, if God had pre-planned everything, He would put people like Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini in power? But it is crystal clear now. He really just wanted 12-year-old American kids to get out of school to learn about the Holocaust.

It is literally retarded that I have to put disclaimers on here but here we go.
This blog is satire! It reeeeeeks of sarcasm you idiots!!

Saturday, February 11, 2012

When I grow up...

...I want to be a professional comedian. Not because I think that I'm that funny, even though I am clearly hilarious, but because I am a horrible person. I like to say things that are horribly offensive; preferably to your face. But, society frowns on this. Don't get me wrong. Comedians can say just about anything and they still get plenty of hate mail about it and sometimes they are censored on TV or, heck, even banned from certain shows or clubs. But, they still get away with it and they still get paid. I have a lot of horrible thoughts and I need to start getting paid for them!

Ex. of horrible joke: "I hope they cremate Whitney Houston's body because that would reduce her body to it's most pure form. 90% cocaine and 10% crazy. Now that's something people would pay good money to snort."

Too soon? or Not soon enough?

Now, I just need to sit back and let the royalty checks and hate mail roooooll in!