Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
To all my dental hygiene enthusiasts heed this warning, Satan walks among us. He is the creator of the most demonic presence known to man, err, gingivitis...the ELECTRIC TOOTH BRUSH!
Dentists claim that using an electric tooth brush, on a regular basis, will cut down on plaque, gingivitis, cavities and even reduce the number of cleanings you need per year. After using one of these sadistic devices I can boldly say that I completely agree with the American Dental Association. You know how yearly cleanings are painful, uncomfortable and just plain messy? Well, now imagine having those same irritating feelings, on a daily schedule and in the comfort of your own home! Of course this machine will destroy tooth decay and plaque! It's doing the same annoying job as your dentist and dental hygienist! The sensation is truly terrifying. Imagine a bathroom, in which toothpaste is soaring all across your mirror, the hum of the device is maddening, vibrating (like nails on a chalkboard) over your sensitive gum line, devoid of all cleaning agents because that gel was deposited onto the mirror over your sink and your teeth are chattering from irritation, pain and lack of proper lubrication.
This must be the work of the dark lord. Only the devil could create something as sinister as an "in-home dentist". I must admit that I was seduced by His promises of a gleaming smile and a shrinking dental bill. But lo! These are mere words on parchment, err, internet, err binary, err LCD monitor...you get the idea. Well, enough with this talk transformed into 0's and 1's. Many of us are visual learners and for those people I have devised a list of ancient torture devices that I would prefer to be tortured with as opposed to being tortured (nightly) by my electric tooth brush.
Whatever the HELL this is?! "Hey bro, just relax while we insert this tiny pyramid up your butt. Also, don't worry. Could be worse....could be an electric tooth brush....up your butt."
Tiny fork torture. Man, these ancients really had a thing for tiny torture devices. Also, it looks like a trident but with only two prongs...does that make it a bident?
Moving on we have...
Stretchy torture. The clergy was all like, "Hey man, nothing personal but the church really frowns on being short...something about 'God has cursed ye hobbits, yadda, yadda, yadda', you know what I'm talkin' about. We gotta stretch you out man...for Jesus. Just be glad you don't have tartar build-up along your gum-line."
An actual dentist with an actual chainsaw. I feel like the dentist would have the courtesy of giving me some local anesthetics or happy gas before chainsawing my face open. Why don't electric toothbrushes come with laughing gas and dino stickers? I need to know that I was brave and did a great job through the positive reinforcement of a dino sticker...but I am willing to settle for Hello Kitty. I'll meet ya half way, Satan.
Monday, April 18, 2016
There is a scene in the HBO show True Blood in which the heroin 'Sooki' travels to a hotel in Dallas, Texas and encounters another person who is telepathic just like her. Sooki always thought she was alone because she never met another person who shared her odd powers.
I know that I am not alone but I am also aware that people like me are the few cursed souls amongst the masses of #blessed and annoyingly normal people. My fellow bitches know who they are. I met one of these special people just a few days ago and this is our story.
While flying Ryanair, I found myself alone on the plane since I was one of the first people to board the aircraft. This happened because I paid an extra 4 euros for priority boarding (I'm rich bitch!). Sitting by myself, in my aisle seat, I noticed the male flight attendant standing over me and just staring and smiling down at me...for a long time. Finally, I look up and smile, then look back down and finally I look up, smile again and wave at him (I never know if international flight attendants speak English or not so sometimes non-verbal communication is best). At this last gesture, he finally speaks, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to stare but....(then he pulls down his high-neck, dress-shirt collar to reveal a similar scar to mine, located on a similar part of his body)...we have the same scar".
It's nice to know I have ties across the world with random flight attendants in Portugal. Blood may be thicker than water but scars are forever, no transfusions and no vampires can undo this type of bond. Object permanence bitches.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
A couple months ago I went to the movies and saw the film The Revenant, by myself. During this movie I noticed something very disturbing. Something far more disturbing than Leo DiCaprio, naked and hosteling inside a grotesquely maimed horse carcass was afoot here. What was the most terrifying aspect of this film? Was it blatant racism, pure hatred, lust for vengeance or the desire of earthly goods? Sadly, it was none of the above. The worst atrocities of this film was stupidity and it didn't lie with the acting, the script or the use of natural light. No our devil was hiding right in front of the audience in the subtitles.
There is a scene (spoiler alert, Darth Vader is Luke's dad!) in which a French fur trader is conversing with a Native American therefore subtitles arise upon this English speaking audience. The French fur trader speaks first and this is where the stupidity begins! "(In French).....". The subtitles HAVE to include the prelude "(IN FRENCH)"!!! This tells me several things first of which is that modern day Americans don't know jack shit about American history. Apparently, we have forgotten that America was founded by many French settlers and was defended by the French during the Revolutionary War. Dear God what are they teaching in these schools! Next, we manage to get even dumber because our society can't even audibly tell the difference between French and oh, you know, ANY OTHER LANGUAGE THAT ISN'T ENGLISH. Do people not take French in school anymore? Are schools only teaching EMOJI symbols and text/short hand? Oh and wait, it manages to get worse. The subtitles also have to let us know if a Native American is speaking a Native American dialect or French....because French sounds EXACTLY like Navajo. Now look, I am a kind, perhaps judgmental (perhaps REALLY judgmental) blogger but I can be benevolent. If one can't hear differences from the Navajo language to the Cherokee dialect, I can understand that but if you can't hear the difference between French and Cherokee then you are either mentally handicapped or deaf.
Suddenly, I have realized why I saw this movie by myself. I am a huge asshole. I can't help but notice these things even though pointing out these blunders makes me look like the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons. Or maybe, I should become friends with the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons and forego humanity all together. Intellectually stimulating, spiritually bankrupt friendships are hard to come by in a nation under God but over education.
(In French) C'est dommage.
(In English) What a shame.
Monday, April 4, 2016
I recently read one of those lame Buzzfeed articles titled, "Only Stupid People Have a lot of Friends". I'm not sure if this is factual or not but what I can say is that smart people typically, aren't social butterflies. Why? These people are too busy working, they aren't always religious so they don't have a huge church family to pull friends from, they don't have a lot of hobbies and the hobbies they do have are very solitary like gardening or online gaming. Many of these people don't even have kids or they only have one, low-maintenance, child. Many of my most intellectual friends also suffer from social anxiety so they tend to stay home with their cats....I mean friends....no, I mean cats.
I've always wanted a lot of friends yet the mere thought of this is just too daunting. I think what I want is to be wanted. I don't really want to go to your baby shower, or shopping. I don't want to go to your church, or your Pampered Chef party. However, I want to be invited to your baby shower and shopping trips. I want to be invited to your church this Sunday and the ensuing Pampered Chef party.
Pretty sure I just described the average celebrity. Why haven't I become famous yet? I want millions of adoring fans and creative friends who invite me to weird functions and art galleries and who will continue to invite me long after my perpetual truancy. Wouldn't it be rad to sit at home with my glass of wine, watching Netflix all while knowing that others are incredibly saddened by my absence? That is my selfish dream. WORSHIP ME FOR NO REASON AT ALL!
The internet is so great, because no matter what your belief system is, you can find at least 10 articles or "experts" who corroborate your faith. You can visit websites that only agree with you and support you no matter how dumb you are. So for now, without scientific consideration or an altruistic attitude, I will assume that only stupid people have a lot of friends. Because why not? Others get the joy of ignoring global warming, vaccines and voting for Donald Trump so why can't I believe in something that is unvetted and totally stupid? I want to be on the stupid train too. Toot, Toot! All aboard the Stupid Train, next stop VapidVille, full of friends, full of faith and best of all, low on public broadcasting!