Friday, December 30, 2011

Crime Doesn't Sleep...ever?

When I was a kid Wal-Mart was not a 24 hour store. Well, a few of them were but they were the 'ghetto' ones that you didn't bring your family to. Something about staying open after the hour of 10pm will turn your store into a crime scene...or a pumpkin. This isn't just Wal-Marts either. This rule also applies to Seven-Elevens, McDonald's parking lots and adult video stores. Bars need not apply because there is alcohol involved, which can turn anyone 'ghetto' at any hour of the me; I'm an unemployed, childless housewife who loves red wine. It's five o'clock somewhere right? Anyways, I just don't understand this? It's like only people who should be on the TV show Maury shop after hours? Doctors work odd hours of the night too and so do pilots and community college adjucnt professors. All reputable professions although the jury is still out on the latter. Don't these upstanding citizens require a 50 piece chicken mcnugget from McDonald's at 1 in the morning after a long shift? Or, what about buying NASCAR themed twin-bed sheets at 3am just because you can? And, let's be honest here, everybody watches porn. That's right, your doctor watches porn; your Southwest airlines pilot watches porn (hopefully, not while on duty)and some community college professors show things to their class that is far more disturbing than porn.

Maybe all these people have assistants that go to after-hours stores for them so that we (the ghetto people) never see them outside of their professions. Or maybe the real 'go-getters' of society are criminals. Working till the wee hours of the morning; honing their craft. I mean, those drugs aren't going to sell themselves now are they? Either way, I am going to continue shopping at Wal-Mart and getting gas at 2 am and not because I'm 'ghetto' but because I am a go-getter! Someone has to show all those Doctors and police officers what 'real' dedication to a craft is.

Of all the dangerous places that I have been to in this world, South Africa, Mexico, Honduras, Brazil, Bosnia, Jamaica; the only place that I have ever actually witnessed a shooting was in Texas at a gas station at 2:30 in the morning.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


So, I thought I had a totally original idea and to a certain extent I do. No one has yet to actually "make" PopeTarts but there are some images that people have made. My PopeTarts, however, would be in the shape of the Pope's hat, scepter and Pope mobile. They would have to be heated in a toaster oven because they might not fit in a traditional toaster. They go great with holy water or mother's milk. They are especially delicious after a confessional. I think I should pitch this idea to the local archdioses.

Don't have time for breakfast? No problem. Popetarts! Don't have time to pray? Popetarts to the spiritual and nutritional rescue!

"They're religious and nutritious!"

Friday, November 18, 2011

Ballistically Sound

"Built to Take a Beating"
Gear up, shielded with a KEVLAR® strong backplate. Suppress an onslaught of scratches and scrapes, reinforced by Corning® Gorilla® Glass. Take whatever the world throws at you and throw it right back. Almost nothing brings this mobile juggernaut down.

This is the description from Verizon's website about their new Droid Razor Phone. But I still have a few questions.

Am I going into war-torn Iraq? Or am I on a ship bound for the rogue state of Somalia? If I am not going to any of these gang states then why does my phone need ballistic stats? I'm pretty sure no one will be shooting a Kalashnikov at my phone any time soon. So please, Verizon, can you lower the price of your stupid phones by taking away the preposterous Kevlar armor? Also, your new Droid phone looks like HAL from 2001:A Space Odyssey, which frightens me.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


Pandas. Quite possibly the stupidest creature on earth. Why? They choose not to procreate, they don't move and they only eat bamboo which offers them no nutritional value whatsoever. These are all choices the panda makes on its own. People. Might be more stupid than pandas. Why? We choose to procreate and then immediately kill the fetus while in utero. We(Americans) don't move...except for our fingertips which are busy texting things like, "OMG can't wait to si SAW CLXVIV tonight! LOOOOOOOLZZZZ!!!". We also choose to eat Panda Express (coincidence? I think not!) which offers us no nutritional value whatsoever. We make all these decisions on our own.

The only thing that separates us from pandas is our ball size. Clearly, we have huge balls because it takes a pretty big set to study pandas, not see the similarities and try to keep this useless beast, or as I like to call them Snookis of the animal kingdom, from extinction. Huge balls. It's the only thing seperating us from the pandas. Want proof? Humans have one of the largest ball to body ratios of all mammals. That is a fact.

But pandas are soooo cute so we need to save them? Nope. Dolphins are adorable AND they're go-getters! Jumpin' thru hoops for our amusement, saving salty sailors from evil sirens, stars of kitchy 1970's era television shows, killing sharks on the Discovery channel. Those guys are non-stop! I bet they have huuuuge balls.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

This cake calls for 50 tablespoons of butter

I really wish that people would STOP saying their childrens' ages in months, once they have passed the year mark. Your child will not stay a baby if you continue to think of his age in months. It won't make him any younger. It will only make you look dumber. Your child is not 26 months old. He is 2. Your child is not 14 months old. He is a year. This is how we deal with time people. Once you make it past 12 months you now have to start gauging things in years.

I would never say. "I live just 10,792 feet from you". No, that is dumb. I live about 2 miles from you. These gauges of time, distance and other measurements were put in place for a reason, so let's use them. Oh and guess what? I'm 27 years old NOT 324 months old. Obviously, I could give you a million different examples but I'll be nice...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Colonial Williamsburg

Roadside tourist traps are nothing new. "Cosmos Mystery Area", "The Thing", "WonderWorld" these are all real places with real stupid outcomes. But, most of these places only cost a few bucks and they do, in fact, have something to show you, even if it is just a snake with two heads. (Which, by the way, is awesome) All of these establishments also have pretty massive gift shops attached as well. These roadside carnys really just want you to buy a piece of geode with your name on it, misspelled, of course, because that's where they make the real money. It is literally mind boggling how many of these places have sucked me in and yes, I have the pictures and fridge magnets to prove it. However, none was so insulting as Colonial Williamsburg.

Williamsburg charges you $37 just to get in and once you have bled out all your cash for this roadside stop you realize, upon entering, that anyone can enter for free! There are local college students out on a jog, senior citizens out walking their dogs and other such townies out and about all over this place. There is also nothing "Colonial" about Williamsburg. It is a re-creation of a period town and apparently that period contained gift shops galore!!! Turns out that the admission ticket just gets you into a giant "old-timey" strip mall.

Once you're in, there is no getting your money back so I took it in stride and proceeded to obtain a nice buzz bordering on total drunkenness. Then I made some tactical errors. I ended up buying a fife, a book of music for my fife, a candy apple that had seen better days, and two $6 candy bars and then I fell into a drunken coma in a Barnes and Noble.

I'm not sure if I learned anything about America at Colonial wait, I did learn something. Americans are geniuses at capitalism. I'm sure we were selling candy apples to the natives the second we got off that boat and buying land for beads, because we are heartless capitalistic dousche bags. And to think, all this because I wanted to see a snake with two heads?

Thursday, October 13, 2011

There is Such a Thing as a Dumb Question

I've always had professors say to me, "There is no such thing as a dumb question." This is a fallacy. If you think you should have learned something a long time ago, like everyone else, you are probably right. So, instead of wasting my time and everyone else's with your bone-head question look it up online first. Seriously people. For centuries mankind has had to sift thru massive libraries, study nature and just live a long life in order to obtain knowledge, yet now we have ALL known knowledge at our cyber fingertips and we STILL ask stupid questions and are incapable of using this god-like cyber universe of information...which is also free and ANYONE can use it. Women, children, ethnic peoples, disabled, literally anyone!

Other questions don't even involve actual knowledge but rather common sense. These are the worst of the dumb-ass questions. Ex. "Do I have to turn this in on time?" What do you think? Dumb-ass. These kinds of questions I usually don't even acknowledge with a response because it would waste precious oxygen.

Bottom line is if you think it is a stupid is and you are dumb no matter what some free-lovin', hippy professor tells you.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Instrument Shaped Objects

Anything made by the company First Act should come with a disclaimer to all parents noting that they are purchasing an "Instrument shaped object" and it should not be used in any musical settings. Playing said "instrument" in a musical setting could result in hypertension, explosive diarrhea, night terrors and hysteria.

Parents, ask yourself these questions when purchasing an instrument for your child. You are willing to spend $100 a month on lessons but not more than $50 on the instrument that is supposed to carry them thru middle and or high school? Are you purchasing your "instrument" at the same store that you buy personal lubricant, toaster strudels and Christian pop albums from a $1 bin? Is this "instrument" bright pink and covered in unicorns? Did you have a coupon for it? These are all signs that you might have just purchased an "instrument shaped object" instead of the real deal.

I'm just trying to help here people because in life there are instruments and there are cheap evil instrument shaped doppelgangers. Much like Michelle Bachmnan. Sure she looooks human but she is actually a cyborg sent here from the see what I did there, I got political for no apparent reason. I just M. Night Shyamalaned you!!

Friday, September 23, 2011


Ok so everyone is complaining about the make over that facebook recently underwent. I'm not a big fan of plastic surgery but since facebook is going that route whether we like it or not here are my suggestions for their next nip and or tuck.

1. You can have people listed as either "friends" or "family" in your side bar but I have a few more categories I would like to add such as "Enemies" You know you have them and that you are currently stalking them on facebook to make sure that your life is better than theirs so that you can life or whatever.

2. "People who added me but I have no idea who they are" ok this is your fault for accepting their friend request but hey we all have one of two of these lying around our facebook cyber home.

3. Instead of sending out only "friend requests" how about "enemy requests" you know to go with your "enemies" listing. It cuts right to the chase! Let's be nemesis and stalk each other with out the guise of "friendship" weighing us down.

4. I would like to be able to type in a topic into the search bar and search my friends/enemies comments that way. Instead of the crap shoot gamble of having to hear about my cousins stupid baby, what my hippy friend had for dinner last night or my enemy getting his master's degree (what a tool).

Ex. I could type in "gigs" and only posts in reference to upcoming performances would come up. Or "wedding" and find out whose getting hitched or "Glee fan" so I can find out who my next enemy will be! But these are only suggestions to get you going.

5. Languages. Pirate is lame people, get over it. I want to set my language to Kardashian or Demon...oh wait those are the same thing, whatever you get my drift. Under Demon, instead stating the word "Comments" it would state "Bard songs of vanquished foes" ....awesome.

Also, feel free to thank me anytime Tom for these incredible changes. Your welcome.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Never Ending Needs to End

I am literally insulted by the Never Ending ploy that most restaurants use to suck in the morbidly obese. Not because it's making America fat; we can do that on our own but because it's making us broke.

IHOP often offers never ending pancakes. These bottomless confections will run you about $7 to $8. Now, consider the fact that an entire box of pancake mix (the kind in which all you have to add is water) costs between $1 and $2 and heck I can't even eat an entire box of pancakes. That's like 50 pancakes?! And you, IHOP, have the audacity to charge me up to $8 for oh I don't know, about 4 pancakes. Because that's all I'm capable of consuming. Heck I'm not even allowed to order more to go or get any of the specialty cakes that I can't make at home?! Balderdash I say!

Next on the chopping block is Olive Garden. Keep in mind this is my favorite restaurant and YES I have been to Italy. This either speaks to how trashy I am or the mind control device that Olive Garden has implanted in my brain. Either way. Olive Garden (OG) offers never ending pasta once a year around August. This pasta does not include meat, that is extra. Never ending pasta costs about $12 not including tip. Once again an entire box of pasta (almost any cut) will run you about $1 a jar of sauce will cost about $3 now I'm no mathematician but that is considerably less than what Olive Garden charges and also I CAN'T EAT THAT MUCH F*CKING FOOD! Whew, that got intense.

Ok, I'm back and a little calmer now. Red Robin also offers bottomless steak fries with any burger. Keep in mind the average burger costs $12 there. I could go to McDonald's and get a whole meal, including drink for like $5 or $6 and yeah it's really not that different. It's a burger's. a. burger.

Last on the chopping block for today is Red Lobster. RL offers bottomless cheese biscuits year round. I'm okay with this one because I can't make these at home and I get as many of these little diabetes makers no matter what I order. Mmm, Hurricane and cheesy biscuits. That's a power lunch. However, RL also offers never ending shrimp once a year around September/October. Now, at first this seems like a good deal since any seafood is pretty expensive right? Wrong! Let's crunch the numbers. Never ending shrimp costs $16 (not including beverage and tip). A bag of peeled, de-veined, frozen shrimp costs about $10 to $12. A much smaller price difference here but keep in mind that once AGAIN most of us can't even eat more than one plate at any restaurant and that bag of shrimp contains 50 to 70 shrimp(s).

Look, the bottom line is that whenever you see the words "Never Ending" that should translate to you as "Rip-Off". And now when we run into each other at the Olive Garden we can both judge each other over our pasta primavera.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Closures Part Deux

Quick update on my Driver's License situation. I went to the DMV (AGAIN) today to have my last name changed to my new married name and to get my new address on the ID as well. Well, everything went fine. A little too fine. Suspiciously fine? When I got all the way back home I looked at my receipt and realized that they put down an incorrect birthday for me??!! So, I call the DMV to try to get them to change this info before it gets sent to the capital. Of course, the lady on the phone tells me that I have to drive back down there to prove my actual birth date. Now, why do this? I brought them all these same documents the first time and clearly they didn't look at them. So why do this again? Well, I did it anyways and supposedly it is now fixed. However the real surprise will come in 2 weeks when I get the hard copy of my new license in the mail. Who knows what will be on it! NORFOLK DMV on WIGDEON RD IS THE WORST DMV EVEEEEEER!!!!! Can you taste my rage? It's palpable.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Money Ball

Brad Pitt, I'm sure that you are a good actor. I'm sure that you love what you do but I just can't take you seriously. You are just too good looking. Sorry.

Really, a baseball manager? The whole time I'm thinking, why isn't this guy a super model or a movie star...ruins the whole movie

Really, an upstart entrepreneur for a local fight club for losers? Nope, super model.

Really, a detective risking his life to find the Seven killer? You should be risking your liver functions from too many Mai Tais from a run-way show after party in Miami.

Really, a big time thief in the Ocean's movies? Seriously, you couldn't find work as a model? Had to resort to stealing? I don't buy it.

The only movie I could ever take you seriously in was Troy because you played a Greek Demi-God. (WHICH IS WHAT YOU ARE!!)

For a more comprehensive list of movies that Brad Pitt has ruined please refer to

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Fear Mongers

Fox news has long been viewed as...wait, this blog post isn't about Fox News? But, I thought it was about fear mongering? Why, yes it is about fear mongering but this post involves CNN...believe it or not.

I recently lived through an earthquake and hurricane and no my name is not Storm and I did not cause these events. I know your shocked but don't worry I'm still pretty powerful. Actually, you shouldn't be impressed at all, the hurricane was a category 1 storm when it hit Norfolk and the earthquake was a 5.7 magnitude. These are events that do require a certain degree of respect but definitely not the mass evacuations and hysteria that I had to witness.

I believe that CNN caused most of these antics. They offered us non-stop live coverage of our impending doom. I think this was a chance for them to take a day off from real reporting and actual work. I am sure the rest of the nation would have enjoyed at least SOME news that wasn't hurricane related but you know it's whatever. I had to watch video of the mayor of New Jersey yelling at people to get out of the state. Also, when actual scientists tried to play down the "disaster" on CNN the CNN anchor would try to divert the question or statement back to the "carnage" of this storm. The scare tactics worked. All over town windows were borded or taped up. Stores were closed. Home Depot ran out of sand bags and batteries. For very few people were these precautions actually necessary. I'm all for safety but these guys definitely over did it. I had people calling me genuinely worried for my safety because of these ridiculous news reports. This storm was definitely odd for this part of the country and even news worthy...but to take up 24 hours of news space on CNN AND every other news channel? BALDERDASH I SAY!! (As I wiggle my mustache and monocle)

Next time any kind of natural disaster hits just call me and I'll tell you what you REALLY need. Uno, flashlights, beer, tiny-baby Jesus and did I mention beer? Oh, yeah I did. Also, in retrospect, I really should have looted time.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Travel Tips for The $50,000 in Debt Traveler!

Should I pay back my student loans? Pay off my wedding? Pay off my credit cards? Nope, I should travel the world on an empty wallet and a pocket full of broken dreams! And, I'll show you how I did it!

1. Drinking: Ok this gets expensive but it is necessary when trying to forget about your useless degree and lost youth.
TIP: Me and my husband often pretend to be either single or gay on most outings. This allows other "singles" to buy us drinks at bars and clubs. They get fascinating conversation and we get a gentle buzz.

2. Hotels: If you can stay at a friends house or a long lost relatives house that is best but if you have no family (like myself) just follow these instructions
TIP: Ask for the cheapest room available but in the message box write either "honeymoon" or "anniversary". The hotel WILL upgrade you.

3.Food: Ramen noodles? Nope, that's for poor people. I'm not poor just cheap.
TIP: Split an entree with your friend, spouse or male escort (I'm not judging) also, find a place that offers free bread or chips. Then, tell the waiter that it is either your first time at said restaurant or that it is your b-day. You will likely receive a free app or dessert. Also, don't feel bad these are the same people that would have charged you $7 for a cupcake.

4: Entertainment: Ride the subway it usually only costs a few bucks. What do you get?
TIP: Fine conversation ex. Troupe of whores, "I told you I don't have no yeast infection! and even I did it ain't no disease! I mean, you can't even get that from ridin' a strap?!" You can't make that up people.

5: School
TIP: No matter what you do in life NEVER throw away a school I.D. Most museums, movie theatres, concert halls and even book stores will give you a significant student discount and there is no way for them to tell whether or not you are an active student. Also, don't feel bad. You've paid $40,000 for your shitty degree so they shouldn't begrudge a %10 discount at a national monument.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Borders book store recently announced that it would be closing all of it's stores. The company could not compete with the new digital media outlets and has now been left in the league of antiques with other heavy weights such as the record store, habadashery, and the space shuttle program. I don't know how I feel about this but it has made me wonder, what next? The post office is definitely on the list. Long lines, un-happy employees and no customer service. But, may I suggest another institution that should be committed to memory. The DMV. As Dessy Arnez would say,"Let me esplain", When "attempting" to change my name I brought my marriage license, passport and old driver's license to the DMV. The woman with 2-inch nails and a gold tooth told me that I needed to come back and show proof of residency. So I came back the next week with all the same materials + a voided check with my name and new residence on it. This was what the last agent told me to bring in, the new agent denied it.I was then told to bring in a statement that was mailed to my new address so I brought in a credit card statement and, of course, it wasn't good enough and apparently all agents have differing DMV rules? Anyways, I was then told that only bank statements could be used. So, I came back the next week with a bank statement and then I was told to go back to the bank and have it notarized?! Luckily, another gold toothed employee heard this debacle and let me slide with my un-notarized bank statement. I've made it! Right? Wrong! I then took a number and waited for an hour and a half only to discover that they would not issue me a new driver's license with my new name because my birth date was incorrect on my passport (thanks mom). I am now relegated to the fact that I will never successfully change my name until the DMV goes the way of Borders. At least at Borders I could get a double-tall latte unlike the DMV where I received a double-tall cup of bullshit.

Friday, August 5, 2011


As much as I would looove to take all the credit for solving space, I'm afraid this honor goes to the ancient Romans.

I recently took a trip to Italy and in all my travels I have realized that the only thing that truly stands the test of time is stone. Forget about love, dreams and ideas; nope, it's cold hard stone. David, the Rosetta Stone, the Parthenon, Christ the Redeemer, the Great Wall of China and the Wailing Wall, all of these items survived wars, bombs, natural disaster and most importantly time. I don't understand why we still don't primarily work in stone. I almost burned my house down the other day but if my house were made of stone I could burn it to the ground everyday!!! Now, what does my kitchen burning to the ground and ancient Roman statues have to do with extraterrestrial exploration?

Between 1961 and 1984 Russia was dreaming of a non-sexual way, of course. The U.S. had the moon and also had it's eyes on Mars. So Russia turned its eyes towards Venus and sent several unmanned probes to the planets surface. What they didn't know was that the surface temperature of Venus is about 800 degrees Fahrenheit. Only two pictures were snapped and sent back to Mother Russia before the probe caught fire and burned up faster than Russia's space dreams. No probe has been sent to the surface since.

Well here is a craaaazy idea that only a Ruskie would go for! Why not take some of those same probes and incase them in stone so that they won't burn up the instant they hit the surface of Venus? Ooooh!!! Or what about stone spacesuits?! You'd look like an animated Terra Cotta Warrior! Either way, I think stone is pretty underused and under appreciated in the modern world. The only place left for stone to go is to boldly go where no man or machine has gone before!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

The McQueen Bee

"Animals have two purposes in this world: to taste good and fit well" -Greg Proops

I sometimes think that we humans treat our pets and other animals better than we do ourselves. We give our pets clothing (ugh) food a roof over their heads and we literally ask for nothing in return. Now, I know what you're thinking. We get their love and affection right? I have one word for you 'cats'. Cats don't give a f*ck about you and neither do birds, lizards or amphibians for that matter. The only pet that we do get a little bit of affection and fun from are dogs; the same might be true for horses too but who can afford a horse also; they don't fit in urban efficiency apartments or else I would have one.

If I lived in my parents house till I was thirty, never went to school and never had a job my parents probably would have kicked me out and disowned me however; we let all this behavior slide with our pets. Again, I know what you're thinking. They can't go to school or get a job so what do you expect? Well they could at least herd some sheep, guard the house; you know dog stuff.

I recently watched a program about a tame cheetah being released into the wilds of Africa. I don't even want to think about how many man hours and money that was spent on this operation. And until recently, all their efforts have been unsuccessful. In order to transport this cheetah safely and with low stress they gave it a tranquilizer for the plane ride. I reeeeaaally wish someone would shoot me with a tranquilizer gun before long flights. I mean I always say that those flights might kill me but I'm not a cheetah so my life is less important and no one believes me.

In hindsight, I think we treat animals the way we do because well...we eat them and we secretly feel bad. I might not be able to get tranquilizers but at least no one is trying to eat me...I think.

P.S. did I mention that famed fashion designer Alexander McQueen recently left an animal shelter 100,000 euros in his will? I could deal with someone trying to eat me or dressing me in a tutu for that kind of cash. But then again, I'm a horrible person.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

A Letter to Europe

I see a lot of unashamed/unabashed uni-brows. I will send you one aesthetician per 100 uni-brows if you promise to use them on a monthly basis; oh ya and tip them.

why do ALL your bathrooms smell like feral animal piss? You'd think that a restroom that you PAID for would be a lot nicer...but no it's the opposite. Maybe it's because you have forced us to squat on the floor like animals? Maybe it's because the actual bathroom is the size of Harry Potter's muggle bedroom. Or maybe it's because no one gives a shit...pun intended.

Water with gas or no gas? I have actually learned to like fizzy water; I just wish I didn't have to pay for the opposite.

Thank you for speaking English everywhere I go however; could you pleeeaase not talk about me behind my back in your native tongue because I know what you're saying....not just a pretty face people.

Please stop with the "FUCK BUSH" graffiti. He's not the president anymore and we don't write "FUCK SARKOZY or MERKEL or CAMERON or MEDVEDEV or BERLUSCONI anywhere. Not cool.

On a personal note, don't take this personal. I love Europe; this is just constructive criticism.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Did You Know?

Hey Alton Brown (of the Food Network) remember the time you spent 5 hours making soft pretzels from scratch? Well, did you know that they sell those individually at the mall for like a dollar?! Crazy, I know.

Hey, Giada de Laurentis, the other day you made ketchup at home. It cost you about $15, took about an hour and is perishable. Did you know that there is a company called Heinz that has literally perfected this recipe; an entire bottle only costs about $2 AND it will last forever in the fridge? Amazing, I know.

Hey, Rachel Ray, I've seen you make homemade bbq sauce several times. You are from New York and no NOTHING about bbq sauce so you probably didn't know that people from Texas and Tennessee (Who know a thing or two about bbq sauce) sell their family recipes in jars at the super market. Wild, believe me I'm from Texas.

Hey, Ina Garten you love to make whipped cream from scr...oh f*ck it I can't do this anymore.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Variations on a Theme

Thru-out the ages there has always been dance and like any fashionable activity there has also been dance crazes. Dance phenomenon such as the jitterbug, two-step, tootsie roll, electric slide, tangos, waltzes and so much more. There is a popular dance for just about every style of music and dance you can think of...except for one...interpretive dance. This country needs an interpretive dance craze.

I would like to start this craze. So the next time you see me at the club on the floor, covered in oil while acting out the birth of the human conscienceness to the piece "Baby Got Back" don't be surprised. It's just the latest dance craze sweeping the nation one pair of leg warmers at a time!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Cuba Libre!!

Last December I sailed the high seas of the caribbean for my friend's wedding.But I had bigger dreams than nuptiuals, awkward speeches and midnight buffets; I wanted to take over Cuba. I wanted to prove that a small boat full of white people could take over a country inhabited by millions of ethnic peoples within a few weeks or months. Does this make me racist you ask? No. It makes me a pro-active historian/anthropologist and , with my research, I could help future native peoples to stave off white invasions.

I made several attempts to take over Cuba but ultimately I couldn't get the power of the crew (i.e. other wedding guests) behind me. During our fancy dinners at night the captain of the ship was often at this feasting. I called for a coupe. He was unarmed, un-maned and would never have seen it coming! My plan was to create a diversion by getting one of the groomsmen to take over the band and start playiing "cop killer" on casio keyboard while I would put the captain in a krav maga hold and then declare myself the new captain. Clearly these groomsmen were total pussies/didn't know all the words to "cop killer". My second failed attempt was to call on a full-on mutiny in protest of the terrible chocolate lava cake that was served at literally every dinner. I mean how can you mess up lava cake? It was the best thing on the menu and it was a let down every time I or anyone else ordered it?! But, I digress. My third and final attempt was to get all crew members and passengers to one side of the boat (port) in order to force the ship towards Cuba.

In hindsigt, wedding guests and 50-yr.-old, Hawaiian shirt wearing, Jimmy Buffet enthusiasts were not the best crew members for a future pirate ship/Cuban settlers. If you or anyone you know can find a way to take over Cuba let me know and my tri-pointed hat off to you sir or madaam.

-True story...of fantasy

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Dear Texas,

All my life I have been trying to escape cowboy boots, country music, trucks and Mexican food. Now, I am in a place that is devoid of all these things but also devoid of all the things that make Texas great. These things include but are not limited to: a freeway system that was NOT created by a meth addicted monkey; a ghetto that includes interesting ethnic graffiti NOT prostitution on a Tuesday at 2pm; a hip music/dance club on every corner NOT a place called the Thirsty Camel; Wal-Mart's that stay open past midnight; an air force base NOT a naval base full of seadogs; book stores; music stores; (apparently no one here can read or play)

Sorry Virginia, I hate to rag on you this much and maybe you're not really that bad? I'm being unfair comparing you to Texas. Doing that is like comparing a Klondike bar to crème brulee made in France. I still love Klondike bars; there's just no comparison the only thing that is binding these two confectionaries is the fact that they are both desserts. The only thing that is binding Texas to Virginia is the fact that they are both states...oh wait...Virginia is a commonwealth not even a state! Un-American, if you ask me.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

The Land that Time Forgot

The other day I was at the park and I tried to buy a popsicle from an ice cream stand however, the stand only accepted cash and I only had a card, to which I replied, "What is this 1956 over here? Have we gone to the moon yet?" In reality, I am the one who is living in 1956 because I have not had the internet at my apartment since December. It's a long story but that's why I haven't posted anything on here in ages. Being without the internet makes me feel like a peasant girl living in the dark ages. I have to accept what people say as the truth since I cannot look up actual facts on the internet. I have to call people on the phone in order to make plans instead of sending an email. It is a nightmare but I do exaggerate.