Monday, November 30, 2015

Christmas Card Chaos Is Finally Here!

My Christmas cards finally came in the mail the other day! (Thanks Tiny Prints!) I have successfully added my likeness to my new Christmas card family! This new (some might say better) family consists of myself, shirt-less Taye Diggs, our tiny Asian love child and a menagerie of camels and parakeets all sporting Santa hats. You can almost taste the chaos! I cannot WAIT for my family and friends to open these wonders! I only wish I could see their faces.

Merry Christmas ya'll!

Monday, November 16, 2015

Why We Die

Never fear, feel lonely or sad. Know that some piece of you still exists in this universe and will linger on thru the ages. Your works will become outdated or outsourced. Your great-grandchildren will forget your name and your worldly possessions will wither like a Kardashian without 24/7 media coverage.

I speak of your precious MySpace account. Naturally, I had forgotten about this horrendous webpage that I created at the tender age of 18 until a friend of mine tried to find me on the site and by "find me" I mean, "probably blackmail me" and by "friend" I mean, "probably an internet assassin". I had a difficult time locating my old internet stomping grounds because I searched my actual name (like a normal human) but, of course, back when I was 18 my real name wasn't cool instead I had to find my atrocious screen name (that was also, somehow, misspelled) (How you manage to misspell a fictional word is beyond me but my 18 year old self found a way GODDAMMIT!) The horrors of that social media account are far too numerous to list here so instead I invite you to see for yourself!

After many struggles to procure my old account my husband just assumed that MySpace removed my profile since I haven't even logged into it since Brittney Spears was still relevant. "I guess you just weren't producing enough content.", he said. Is this not a simile for life, I ask you? What are we doing at age 80? Probably not working or having children just being, I guess? It is as if the universe says, "Hey man, nothing personal but I gotta take you out. You had a good run but you just aren't producing enough content anymore.". If this were the case then why do some people kick the bucket at the very height of their career or work output? Perhaps, they were just operating on an obsolete interface. Only the universe can truly know the answers to these questions. Someday I will query the big motherboard in the sky but for now it is nice to know that some piece of me has survived thru countless wars, human atrocities, that weird Jack Johnson phase and Caitlin Jenner.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Christmas Card Chaos!

Every year I struggle to produce the perfect Christmas card. Classy? Tasteless? Irreverent? Religious? Far Side? I strive for timeless elegance but always manage to end up with something like this...

This year's Christmas card theme will be "Chaos Theory". Instead of sending out the traditional card that consists of a photo of me and my husband and some rando Christmas clip art, I have decided to enclose a photo of myself with a total stranger. Preferably, that stranger would be a strong African American man and (fingers crossed!) a tiny Asian baby and our 4 parakeets all wearing tiny Santa hats. This card will be sent out to our nearest and dearest with absolutely no explanations except for the obligatory Happy Holidays moniker. I will then cease and desist from all social media and merely watch the chaos ensue from my front row seat! I will not answer emails, telephone calls or any other queries. My relatives will be in total media darkness. "Is she divorced?", they will say. "Was she Asian this whole time and we didn't know?" "If so, then what persuAsian is she?" "I thought she hated birds?" "We all thought she was racist?" "I guess not?" None of these questions will be answered.

After all, what better way to celebrate the birth of our Lord than alienating your entire family? I think the very first Christmas card would have been similar to my current plan. Picture it. Mary amongst a plethora of farm animals (for no apparent reason) alongside her would-be spouse and an angel floating in the background. The foreground would be composed of a tiny baby born not of Joseph but of a Higher Power. Now, put yourself in the shoes (or should I say sandals) of Mary's mother. You haven't spoken to your daughter in over a fortnight and out of the blue you receive this card in the mail by donkey express.There are no words, no explanations except for a crudely painted portrait and a solicitation of pure faith.

Is my card really that different? Maybe I'm not trying to start a grass-roots religion but God knows I will sacrifice everything for comedy.