Tuesday, August 19, 2014

You Are My Shaman Rick steves

Might not be blogging these next two weeks because I will be in Spain getting some'o that sweet strange and by "sweet strange" I mean, "an industrial size bucket of churros."

As always, Rick Steves will be my guide on this surrealist journey through jamon, tapas and hordes of euro trash. Leg one of my journey will be on the island of Ibiza where I will be partying with celebrities and by "celebrities" I mean, Steve Guttenberg. Is Steve Guttenberg even still alive? I will find out for you. Don't worry! Second leg will be Barcelona, where I will lose my mind in an endless Gaudi/Dali induced hypnosis. Third leg (how did I get three legs?...tripod joke?) will be the majestic Mardrid! I won't go to the bull ring but I do hope to see a ring of bulls, which is similar to Johnny Cash's ring of fire but with more beef.

Hasta luego mis amigos!

Sunday, August 17, 2014

WTF is a Wild Berry

Many questions have plagued me through out my life. Do aliens exist? Do "Ancient Aliens" exist? Do "Ancient Aliens" only exist on the "History Channel"? Is there a God? Is He a slob just like one of us? Why can't I stop quoting song lyrics? What will tomorrow hold? I hope tomorrow doesn't drop it? Clearly, I am a very deep person...

Recently, I have been searching every book on botany known to man to find out just what the EFF a wild berry is and, for that matter, blue raspberries?!!!!!!!!! Don't even get me started.

Aren't all berries "technically" WILD berries? Who are these sophisticated, well-read, berries about town? Who do they think they are?! Calling all other berries WILD berries. I'm pretty sure that's botanically profiling. Which is not cool. Not cool.

I do not want a wild berry smoothie, a wild berry Jolly Rancher or a wild berry muffin because, I am almost certain that "wild berry" is just code for high fructose corn syrup engulfed by red dye #40 and soaking in saturated fats. SOUNDS DELICIOUS.

I won't be eating any wild berries until I can pick one off of an actual tree or vine? Well, wherever the hell a wild berry would grow.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Caption Contest

This photo is courtesy of Anna Reichow. Her son found this Ferrari police car, here in Naples, and was VERY disappointed when, upon further inspection, he realized that the car was not a Corvette like his dad's car.

This photo is SCREAMING for a caption. I will be giving a $5 gift card (to an establishment of the winner's choosing) to whomever can come up with the best caption for this pic! Let's TRY to keep it clean. Why?! Because it's a picture of a kid, you fuckers! Also, if you do have a naughty caption just send it to me in a private message because I enjoy humor and someone told me that you are hilarious.

The winner will be announced at the rooster's crow of August 16th, in the year of our Lord, 2014.

Good luck/ Buona fortuna!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Straight to Torrent

I recently watched a "film" on Netflix entitled Solomon Kane. This movie was awesome in the same sense that Alien Vs. Predator was awesome. You won't learn anything, grow as a human being or be inspired by the artistry of cinema but dammit if you aren't gonna see a leathery pirate beat the shit outta some demons!

Solomon Kane is a B movie but what is a B movie? How do such films come to B? (pun intended) Who is the target audience for shitty movies? I want to know what the studio pitch for this film was. "Ok guys, let's get someone who kinda looks like Hugh Jackman but doesn't cost what Hugh Jackman costs and then let's get him to fight some demons in 15th century England and oh yeah, well we blew the budget on the Hugh Jackman look alike so let's just throw some video game level CGI over the whole thing? Sound good?" Clearly, the studio KNOWS this movie is going straight to video/DVD/Netflix, right? Netflix is riddled with "films" I have never heard of and yet some asshole out there is giving them all 5 star ratings. I think the studio execs who produce this fodder are just trolling Netflix and giving their "films" excellent ratings.

I just don't understand how these movies make money? Video stores don't exist anymore. Nobody buys movies anymore and Netflix and Hulu are both super cheap. I think the next step is to skip the "straight to video" and instead just go straight to Torrent. The B movie industry might just B a huge money laundering scheme.

Volcano Insurance

Before moving to Italy I had renters insurance for my small apartment in Virginia. The agreement covered "Acts of God" but not "Military Coups" or "Militia Attacks". WTF Virginia. Luckily for me and my tiny apartment, no militias tried to overthrow the local government, no matter how much they wanted to. When I say, "No matter how much they wanted to.", what I really mean is this true story:

Scene: The National Zoo in Washington, D.C.
Players: Me, Andrew, anonymous son and anonymous father

We were by a monkey cage around closing time and most of the animals had been brought inside the facilities by handlers and other animals were simply seeking shelter to sleep for the night within their enclosures.

Beside us, there was an older man sporting a great trucker hat, ratty old t-shirt with the American flag emblazoned across it and a ridiculously large camera (with equally ridiculously large zoom lens), long jean shorts and fanny pack. His son appeared to be about 12 years of age with blonde hair and could be described as "husky".

The father began to explain to his son that we couldn't see any of the animals because of "Obama". When the father, did finally see an animal with his over compensating camera lens he simply shrugged it off by saying to his progeny, "It's fake. It's an animitron just like you see at the Chuck E. Cheeses, damn Obama."

I was totally unaware of the powers that Barack Obama held over the animal kingdom. I guess that's what won him the election...twice. His sweet ass animal control capabilities were just too powerful!

This is what I mean by, "No matter how much they wanted to."

My new problem, here in Italy, is living directly under a Volcano that is about 40 years over due for an eruption. Does my new renters insurance cover lava flows? Will it insure my house hold goods when it is raining hell fire outside my windows? Will I be compensated after my car has been encased in ash? I'm still waiting on the reply from my insurance adjuster. In the mean time, I'm just trying to "pose" epicly, around my house, so that I look really cool in Pompeii after I have been immortalized in ash. Just want to cover all my bases.