Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Turkey Day/ Pizza Night

Leftovers might be the bane of my existence...well, that and cats, of course. That just gave me an idea! Leftover cats! GROSS!!!!

This is the time of year in which every celebrity chef is dolling out turkey tips and leftover make-overs. These recipes are not a solution to the leftover problem in America. No one really wants a turkey lasagna, turkey tacos, turkey hash or turkey chili. These chef's seem to forget that most of us baste our birds in something sweet and savory and an orange glaze does not fit into a lasagna or tacos, for that matter. My palette is not ready for that level of fusion cooking. Not a single American family needs the insanity of Guy Fieri's "Amped up, pumped up, coked out, stuffing, stuffed jalapeno poppers with a side of cranberry, chipotle dipping sauce!"

I suggest a simpler/saucier method of leftover transformation. All unwanted leftovers should be turned into mulch or given to those less fortunate than ourselves. Little Ceasar's or (insert pizza restaurant chain) should offer one medium/one topping pizza to any customer who brings in, at least, one pound of their leftover Thanksgiving Day dinner. The leftovers will not be accepted if more than two days old.

 What would Little Ceasar's have to gain? Well, a charitable tax write-off for starters and let's keep in mind that no one buys just one medium pizza. God knows, I'm gonna get some damn cinnastix, cheesybread, hot wings or a jug of Pepsi. Carbs beget carbs beget high fructose corn syrup, so sayeth the Lord. The pseudo-Italian food impulse buys are endless. Little Ceasar's would rake in the bucks while I rake out my turkey. Rake out? Can you even do that? Who knows.

Thanksgiving is great but what I am really thankful for this year is pizza.

"Pizza, Pizza!"

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Trophy Husband (Cont'd)

As many of you may know, my husband is pretty amazing. He rarely beats me AND he lets me drink wine...most of the time. I wrote about his attributes recently in my post, "Trophy Husband". Well, I have finally finished making the trophy. It is a bronze (and by bronze I mean spray paint on dolls) cast Han Solo riding on a white (bronze) stallion. He has received this prodigious award for valor, bravery, saxophoning, mustaching and the plaque will read, "Number One Husband Award for Not Giving His Spouse an STD, Abusing Her Physically/Verbally or Having Sex with Other Men Since 2011." Damn, that's a really huge plaque.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Baby Zagat

Last year I heard an interesting medical study about young children. Medical science could not understand why most children are such picky eaters and why their tastes change and become much broader with age. Almost all children have this disability. The study claimed that the reason might be evolutionary in nature. Perhaps, these rather narrow food choices were merely a defense mechanism. Don't eat what you are not familiar with in order to be safe. Young children are very unsure about the world around them and they need to step lightly until they learn with age.

This cannot be true and here is why. Many U.S. children live off of a very steady diet of chicken nuggets and cheese pizza because they REFUSE to eat anything else. They give in to tantrums and even self-induced vomiting when faced with any other food possibilities. And yet, they have no problem putting dirt, Legos, bugs, toenail clippings, play-doh, used lipstick or any other foul floor flotsam in their mouths. What gives babies?! A green bean will make you vomit but used doll hair at the doctor's office waiting room is totally acceptable? Do you prefer blonde or brunette? Ah yes, a well-aged 2001 limited edition Dr. Barbie with only 12 previous owners, what a refined palette you have good sir! Might I suggest a light and crisp 6 day old apple juice with chunks of back-wash bread delicately suspended within this superb vintage. I believe it would pair nicely with your doll hair entree. Please try the Crisp Merlot Chewing Gum as a sweet finish to your meal. Dessert is served al fresco, gently dangling and teasing your taste buds from underneath this antiqued school desk.

Seriously babies, eat a green bean. How did WE outlive the dinosaurs? God knows there weren't any chicken nuggets or cheese pizza back then. There definitely wasn't any doll hair.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Cat Infestation (Part Deux)

These lazy, asshole, freeloading cats!!! A few days ago I saw a mouse scurry across my living room floor. I have never had a mouse in any of my homes, over the years. A bug or roach, here or there, I used to live in south Texas and the bugs there are pretty much inescapable, but NEVER a mouse!

I tried using a trap and so far, that has not worked. I tried calling maintenance but that was four days ago and no one has showed up yet. My next move will be to grab one of those mangy cats, that hang around my front door, bring said cat into my house and just hope for the best.

How can we have so many cats around here and yet they can't even keep the mice population down?! Because the residents here keep feeding them Fancy Feast like they are pets! They are not pets! Don't adopt them! I would rather adopt a homeless guy than one of these stupid cats because at least I could get that homeless guy to wash my car in exchange for a Big Mac. I could even reason with an insane homeless man better than I could with a cat. Heck, the homeless man would probably keep the rat population down better than these dumb cats. I would much prefer to adopt a drunk, insane, drifter to any of these cats. I would name my homeless man Mittens because of those adorable, finger-less gloves he always wears. I would take him on walks. He would threaten to shiv anyone who might attack me and I would give him all the Big Macs that his little heart desired!

Sometimes I think we treat our pets better than we treat most humans. Freedom isn't free, cats. Kill a mouse and earn that damn Fancy Feast.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Trophy Husband

Every time I go to the doctor I have to fill out a form before my appointment. This form asks me if I am male or female. I answer "female". Once you answer "female" the form takes you to a set of female specific questions. Doctors are obsessed with knowing when your last period started and when it ended. I don't know why they ask you this because, as far as I can tell, your answer to this question gives them no medical insights into your overall health, whatsoever. I like to answer this question thusly: "Start date" June 5th, 10:01 pm 1976. "End date" yesterday. So far, no one has noticed that I have been on my period for 40 years and I am 30 years old.

Next, they ask me about my spouse. "Have you acquired any STDs from your spouse?" "Do you feel safe at home?" "Has your spouse had sex with other men within the last 6 months?" "Does your spouse verbally abuse you?" Apparently, my husband is prince charming and Han Solo all wrapped into one super human because he has not had sex with other men in the last 6 months or given me any STDs. I should really appreciate him more.

I love the power that I wield when I fill out these medical forms. My husband and I will go shopping and if I want something dumb and he won't buy it for me all I have to say is, "If you don't buy me these boots I am going to answer NO to the question, 'Do you feel safe at home'." Because without these boots I just don't feel safe at home anymore.

My spouse lives a difficult life. Doctors don't care if his wife is abusing him. Heck, they don't even ask! He lives in constant terror of my medical exam threats and he has to buy me whatever I want even if it is a SECOND set of Hulk Hands. Which, I use to physically abuse him. He knows to just tell people that he, "fell down some stares" and not, "my wife beats me with the Hulk Hands that I bought for her last Christmas."

I am going to have a trophy made for him. This trophy will depict a gilded Han Solo riding a white stallion into battle and the inscription on the plaque will read: "Number One Husband Award for Not Giving His Spouse an STD, Abusing Her Physcially/Verbally or Having Sex with Other Men Since 2011." Damn, that's a really huge plaque.

He deserves it though. He has had to deal with a woman who has been on her period since 1976.