Wednesday, April 30, 2014
The "Might Have a Mental Disorder Head Band" would be great for dates! If it turns red, that is one crazy bitch or if it turns blue there could be a diagnosis of depression.
What about the "Gastrointeritis Pant Suit"? If it's blue you've got stool but if it's red run for the head!!
The "Diabetic Bow Tie" just might be my favorite, though. It let's you know, as you eat, what foods are most likely to give you diabetes. But, then again, I'm pretty sure that if I'm dining at an establishment whose name is just an abbreviation that starts with a K and ends with a C I probably already have diabetes.
Not all inventions can be as great as the mood ring. The power to read one's mind and for only $.25 is pretty magical. I am fairly certain that the mood ring just might be the "One Ring" and was forged in Mount Doom by Sauron, himself. It does seem like an evil entity.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Why don't men ever wear this kind of blonde propaganda outerwear? Can you imagine a grown man wearing a shirt that read, "Blondes have more fun!!!" or "Eyes up here ladies". When did women get so full of themselves?
Instead of being against the whole world (not all of it deserves your unfounded wrath) let's point this blonde aggression towards something more sinister, shall we? How about, "Blondes against sub-Saharan HIV" or "Blondes vs. Racial Injustice" or "Blondes for Medical Research in the Dallas/Fort Worth Area".
I think I'm going to start screen printing my own t-shirts and selling them on Ebay. The shirts will read, "Brunettes have about as much fun as blondes and redheads. Sometimes we have more fun and other times we have less but it usually evens out." Another option will read, "Brunettes vs. Stupid T-Shirts". All proceeds will go towards medical research in the Dallas/Fort Worth area.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
With this being said, I would never want a "Rock Star Weekend" because I'm not quite sure if my body or my scruples would survive it. I imagine that I would play a 2 hour long show preceded by a 1 hour rehearsal and sound check. After my work was over, I would be drenched in sweat and bed, bath and beyond tired. The rest is really just a blur but what the authorities have said is this: They found me face down in a pile of cocaine and my own vomit and possibly the drummer's vomit, as well. I was wearing smeared make-up, roller skates and a unitard (much like that of Freddie Mercury fame). Lying next to me was 3 bottles of Grey Goose vodka, 2 bottles of champagne, a rare albino spider monkey and a very naked Bill Nye the Science Guy. (Hey, this is my fake police report from my fake rock star weekend so maybe I am BFF's with Bill Nye...don't question it!)
Anyways, this sounds just awful! I would need another weekend just to recover from my "Rock Star" one. Perhaps a "65 Year Old Retired Millionaire Weekend", that sounds relaxing, sipping a mint julep while someone named Julio waxes my Maserati.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
The commercials are for Marie's frozen pot pie dinners and she states that, "At Marie Calendar's we know that you don't have time to roll out a freshly made pie dough or chop fresh vegetables alongside slow roasted all white meat chicken."
FUCK. SHE. KNOWS.
She knows that I didn't even go into work today and that instead of slaving away for a tiny pot pie I sat on my couch for 7 hours playing the Lego Movie PlayStation game. I only had 7 hours Marie. Clearly, that wasn't enough time for me to defeat President Business AND bake a pie from scratch. We can't all be Wonder Woman...bitch.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
We used to have land lines that plugged into to any home or office that had a phone line. You could use this phone with any phone company (and yes I am aware that the Bell company was a monopoly that the government had to break up) and you didn't have to buy the phone from the phone company.
Today we have to buy our phones from our phone company; we have to take our phones to our phone company to have it repaired and we can only use our phones with our personal phone companies. Seems like a monopoly or just plain illegal.
If I want to take my cell phone to another provider I have to "jail break"...JAIL BREAK my own phone that I legally purchased!!! Cell phones are the only technology that operates this way. Believe it or not I can take my Ford Mustang and do whatever the f*ck I want to it. I can paint racing stripes on it, hideous eyelashes on the headlights and if the car needs repairs I don't have to take it to Ford for repairs...I can take it anywhere!! I can modify the engine and Ford won't consider me a criminal like Verizon Wireless does because I wanted to take off those stupid factory apps about golf and nascar (my two favorite sports).
How do phone companies get away with this shit?!