Wednesday, April 30, 2014

The Diabetic Bow Tie

Mood rings are made of liquid crystal. It's the same stuff that is in your LCD TV or computer screen. I like the idea of mood rings. I can simply look to your ring and avoid a swift stabbing or strangling, by noticing the black band around your finger; I can see just how agitated you are at that very moment. I wish all my clothing items could be as telling as the mood ring. I would like to learn something about myself or someone else by simply looking at their clothing or jewelry.

The "Might Have a Mental Disorder Head Band" would be great for dates! If it turns red, that is one crazy bitch or if it turns blue there could be a diagnosis of depression.

What about the "Gastrointeritis Pant Suit"? If it's blue you've got stool but if it's red run for the head!!

The "Diabetic Bow Tie" just might be my favorite, though. It let's you know, as you eat, what foods are most likely to give you diabetes. But, then again, I'm pretty sure that if I'm dining at an establishment whose name is just an abbreviation that starts with a K and ends with a C I probably already have diabetes.

Not all inventions can be as great as the mood ring. The power to read one's mind and for only $.25 is pretty magical. I am fairly certain that the mood ring just might be the "One Ring" and was forged in Mount Doom by Sauron, himself. It does seem like an evil entity.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Blondes Vs. Socioeconomic Inequalities!

Recently, I saw someone wearing a "Blondes vs. the World" t-shirt. Really? I didn't know that the "world" in it's entirety was against you? Your life must be so difficult with fair hair.

Why don't men ever wear this kind of blonde propaganda outerwear? Can you imagine a grown man wearing a shirt that read, "Blondes have more fun!!!" or "Eyes up here ladies". When did women get so full of themselves?

Instead of being against the whole world (not all of it deserves your unfounded wrath) let's point this blonde aggression towards something more sinister, shall we? How about, "Blondes against sub-Saharan HIV" or "Blondes vs. Racial Injustice" or "Blondes for Medical Research in the Dallas/Fort Worth Area".

I think I'm going to start screen printing my own t-shirts and selling them on Ebay. The shirts will read, "Brunettes have about as much fun as blondes and redheads. Sometimes we have more fun and other times we have less but it usually evens out." Another option will read, "Brunettes vs. Stupid T-Shirts". All proceeds will go towards medical research in the Dallas/Fort Worth area.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

This Seems like a Terrible Idea

Why would anyone want to win a "Rock Star Weekend"? Let's keep to the classical meaning of the term "rock star" here and not the benign, "great mom", "chef", "accountant" or "dog groomer". Honestly, the list goes on but these people are not rock stars; they are boring and living vicariously through an ill-used nomenclature. In the traditional sense, a rock star is someone who plays either guitar/bass/keyboards/drums or sings and does so with an attitude and the volume knob turned to 11.

With this being said, I would never want a "Rock Star Weekend" because I'm not quite sure if my body or my scruples would survive it. I imagine that I would play a 2 hour long show preceded by a 1 hour rehearsal and sound check. After my work was over, I would be drenched in sweat and bed, bath and beyond tired. The rest is really just a blur but what the authorities have said is this: They found me face down in a pile of cocaine and my own vomit and possibly the drummer's vomit, as well. I was wearing smeared make-up, roller skates and a unitard (much like that of Freddie Mercury fame). Lying next to me was 3 bottles of Grey Goose vodka, 2 bottles of champagne, a rare albino spider monkey and a very naked Bill Nye the Science Guy. (Hey, this is my fake police report from my fake rock star weekend so maybe I am BFF's with Bill Nye...don't question it!)

Anyways, this sounds just awful! I would need another weekend just to recover from my "Rock Star" one. Perhaps a "65 Year Old Retired Millionaire Weekend", that sounds relaxing, sipping a mint julep while someone named Julio waxes my Maserati.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

The NSA of Pot Pies

I don't know if you have noticed these new and terrifying Marie Calendar's commercials but you should be warned that Marie knows everything about you and I do mean EVERYTHING.

The commercials are for Marie's frozen pot pie dinners and she states that, "At Marie Calendar's we know that you don't have time to roll out a freshly made pie dough or chop fresh vegetables alongside slow roasted all white meat chicken."


She knows that I didn't even go into work today and that instead of slaving away for a tiny pot pie I sat on my couch for 7 hours playing the Lego Movie PlayStation game. I only had 7 hours Marie. Clearly, that wasn't enough time for me to defeat President Business AND bake a pie from scratch. We can't all be Wonder Woman...bitch.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

My Tooth Brush Has an End User Agreement

Remember phones? Like real phones. Ones that didn't have an LED screen, the internet and a children's game that involves birds being thrown at pig buildings?

We used to have land lines that plugged into to any home or office that had a phone line. You could use this phone with any phone company (and yes I am aware that the Bell company was a monopoly that the government had to break up) and you didn't have to buy the phone from the phone company.

Today we have to buy our phones from our phone company; we have to take our phones to our phone company to have it repaired and we can only use our phones with our personal phone companies. Seems like a monopoly or just plain illegal.

If I want to take my cell phone to another provider I have to "jail break"...JAIL BREAK my own phone that I legally purchased!!! Cell phones are the only technology that operates this way. Believe it or not I can take my Ford Mustang and do whatever the f*ck I want to it. I can paint racing stripes on it, hideous eyelashes on the headlights and if the car needs repairs I don't have to take it to Ford for repairs...I can take it anywhere!! I can modify the engine and Ford won't consider me a criminal like Verizon Wireless does because I wanted to take off those stupid factory apps about golf and nascar (my two favorite sports).

How do phone companies get away with this shit?!

Attorney "at Murder She Wrote"

Few job titles require a qualifier but for some reason attorneys are one of those professions. Have you ever met an attorney who was not an attorney "at law". If he or she is not "at law" then what are they at? I see a dermatologist on a regular basis and he is not a doctor "at medicine" nor is my dentist a dentist "at dentistry". I consider myself to be a guitarist "at music" but I would assume the "at music" is understood. Maybe you no longer practice law and now you are just an attorney "at some times I like to solve crimes for fun" or attorney "at I never went to law school but I love to watch murder mysteries and try to guess who the killer is within the first 15 minutes of the show". I would call up my lawyer and ask him about this pressing question but he would charge me $100 an hour for an office visit and I don't want to bother him because he might be "at law" right now doing more important stuff; like solving fictional TV crimes.