monkeys groom each other it releases endorphins and all sorts of happy feelings in the monkeys. I believe that this is also true for humans as well.
As a female, there are certain things that I understand about my sex and yet other things that allude me. Men and women purchase things based on very differing criteria. Women base most of their purchasing decisions on what looks good and makes them feel good. Men purchase based on what they absolutely need and most other things are superfluous. Now, keep in mind; men will purchase speed boats and electric guitars that they don't actually need but when they do make those purchases they base their decision on brands and models not by aesthetics but by function over form. When women make these purchasing decisions they do so based on appearances or form over function.
With that being said let's get back to those adorable poop slinging monkeys! I have never understood why women go to salons to pay $100 for their hair to be colored when they can do it at home for $4 and probably do a better job than the actual stylist. Why get a manicure when you can paint your nails at home for the price of the nail polish? Why pay for a massage when your husband/significant other will do it for the price of a blow job? caveat - I'm pretty sure that is also prostitution but I won't tell if you don't.
The bottom line is this: When a woman goes to a salon, she isn't going there to get her hair colored or her nails done. She's going there and paying money because it makes her feel good. It's not necessarily about the end result but more so about the experience and those relaxing endorphins that come with it.
I still can't say that I agree with spending that much money at a salon but at least I can now say that I understand it.
And in an effort to save money and time, I will be purchasing a chimp to do all my grooming; not for free but for a few bananas.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Let me tell you about the pet that has all the good qualities of all of these animals combined. The sloth! It is cool to look at. It doesn't require any real attention. But, when you are in a cuddly mood, the sloth will gently hug you while blessing you with its simple smile. It can live in an apartment or a large house. You can just leave it hanging on your shower rod! It is great with kids and adults. You can feed it nuts, dried fruit or fresh fruits and berries. Sloths don't really shed that much at all and they don't make any noise. Now, set your face to stun for the best part...the sloth...only...poops...every...two weeks at the exact same time; in the exact same place!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perfect 'vacation pet'-check.
My new business model will be selling designer sloths to celebrities. They can hang off their arms on the red carpet...fabulous/adorable.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Dr. Who is a time lord. Someone who has the ability to travel through time and even bend it to his or her own will. It can be difficult to spot a time lord because they could show up in any place at any time. There was a time before photographs, the written word and even language itself; but as long as there has been man there has been art. Visual art and song both pre-date the written word and the spoken. So, in order to accurately spot a time lord one must look to art. This is the language of the ages. I recently traveled to my local art museum where I encountered many a time lord. I encountered an ancient Jamie Fox Buda sculpture from India (photo to come). I also stumbled upon Edward Norton in an oil painting as a 17th century British milk maid (photo to follow). But what I am about to show you will make you question everything you know about the space time continuum. Exhibit A:
Friday, August 3, 2012
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
This is an actual sign that I encountered in Chesapeake,Virginia. Problems with this poster are vast but I will cover the three
Saturday, June 9, 2012
...Be a chubster. There are no chubby/fat people in any science fiction movies...ever. Therefore, the only people who die/give live birth to extraterrestrial offspring via unwanted interior cesarean are "Kate Moss" level skinny people. Examples. Sigourney Weaver (Ripley-Alien), Natalie Portman (Star Wars), any given Star Trek character, Robots in Blade Runner, Total Recall, The Fifth Element, Event Horizon, Predator, Independence Day, Battleship, Starship Troopers, the list goes on and on and basically the skinny people die but some of them live as well. Either way, you never see any fat people in sci-fi; therefore, nothing extraordinary happens to them, good or bad. As much as I would love to be "Kate Moss" skinny I enjoy being alive without an alien popping out of my chest much more. So I say, "F*ck you aliens as I eat this entire bag of cheetos!" Also, our star-born brethren usually have some terrestrial weaknesses such as disease (War of the Worlds), water (Signs), sunlight (Battleship)but perhaps their true weakness is cellulite. If aliens ever strike, the fatties will reign supreme and have to repopulate the earth...just more cushion for the pushin'.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Their is a website called urban spoon
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
What are the rules and regulations on adoption? Is there an age limit? Because I am currently very interested in adopting a 32-year-old, bald man. He would help me pay rent and he would be a dependent on taxes so we would get a pretty sweet break. He needs a good home and a loving family which is a situation I could provide. It's a win win, really.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Take a landscape and put a frame on it.
Find a middle-aged woman and make her pay for it.
I'm sure the portrait will look great in her hallway,
away from trays of ash where all will say,
"Look at her wonderful portrait and how it sits;
it fits so well with all the other shit."
-A poem on shitty art
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Dear Financial Crisis,
So, I can't get approved for a low-interest $2,000 personal loan but I can get approved for a high-interest credit card with a $13,000 limit? Oh, wait; I see what you did there. Thanks.
-Sincerely, Disgruntled (soon to be bankrupt) Consumer
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Once upon a time, a simple time; one could walk into a Walgreen's and purchase a birthday, holiday, or special occasion greeting card. This card could be humorous, sensitive or just stated the facts and I think everyone loved the "blank inside" cards the most. And, the most expensive card one could find would cost about $3 and was probably the tri-fold card with glitter all over it. But, alas, those days are over.
Gone are the days of simple statements such as, "I love you.", or, "Happy 30th grandma." Nope, now we need to tell people happy birthday with a Beatles song screeching out of a card that also extends to the length of a full size guitar and can be played as one. This card costs $12. Or, we might choose a card that is a "pop-out" and turns into a birthday cake. This card weighs 1/4 of a pound and requires extra postage. There are also cards that are scratch and sniff, or have googly eyes attached to it, or turn into an origami butterfly that can also be used as a kite, or cards that are shaped to be a money holders, or a card that can tell me my future by witchcraft.
I love receiving cards in the mail because it is always a happy surprise; but good LORD don't spend $12 on my card...just give me $12...because I am a selfish, selfish person.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Passwords, usernames, logins. Can I just say WHAT THE F*CK! I understand that I would need a password and username for things like my bank account because they need to stay secure; however I kind of wish someone wooould steal my identity because all they would be able to steal from me would be my student loan debt and then I could finally change my name to Consuela and move to Argentina. But even with my bank, after I have given them the incorrect password because I can't keep my 1,576 passwords straight, they still have the balls to ask me my security questions, which I ace, but they still won't let me view my account? Why ask the stupid security questions? Why even have security questions if they aren't actually used for anything?
What's even dumber is the fact that I need a username and password for my church's website and for Habitat for Humanity? This is actually keeping people from helping others because, good Samaritans like myself, can't remember their passwords and therefore can't sign up for work projects. It literally makes no sense. I need a password and username for the SPCA, for my doctor's office, for my cell phone carrier, for Pinterest, for Dog Fancy Magazine online, for Target.com, for Mustacheenthusiats.edu???????????????????? Are you kidding me with this?
My fear is that someday I will need a login just to get into my car or worse still my refrigerator.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
The Christian religion has about as many permutations as Yankee Candle has scents. Oh, and by the way, Yankee Candle, "Moon Light" is not a scent. One, because I cannot smell reflected light and two, I'm sure that the moon does not, in fact, emit a scent. But, then again I am no scientist. I'm sure Yankee Candle employs lots of scientists...and doctors.
But, like I was saying, Christianity has a plethora of theologies. Many Christians believe that God has pre-planned the entire universe and that every thing happens according to His omnipotent will. I don't buy this and I'll tell you why, in the form of a parable, since we are getting all Biblical here anyways.
I had a student come into my office the other day and upon entering she proclaimed, "I'm sooo excited!". Me, "Really? What brings on this excitement?". Student, "Tomorrow I'm going on a field trip!". Me, "Really? Where too?". Student, "To the Holocaust museum!". Me, (look of terror and confusion). Once my mind rebooted, I asked why on earth she would be excited about such a thing? "Well", she said, "I don't really care what we do as long as it gets me out of school for the day."
I always wondered why, if God had pre-planned everything, He would put people like Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini in power? But it is crystal clear now. He really just wanted 12-year-old American kids to get out of school to learn about the Holocaust.
It is literally retarded that I have to put disclaimers on here but here we go.
This blog is satire! It reeeeeeks of sarcasm you idiots!!
Saturday, February 11, 2012
...I want to be a professional comedian. Not because I think that I'm that funny, even though I am clearly hilarious, but because I am a horrible person. I like to say things that are horribly offensive; preferably to your face. But, society frowns on this. Don't get me wrong. Comedians can say just about anything and they still get plenty of hate mail about it and sometimes they are censored on TV or, heck, even banned from certain shows or clubs. But, they still get away with it and they still get paid. I have a lot of horrible thoughts and I need to start getting paid for them!
Ex. of horrible joke: "I hope they cremate Whitney Houston's body because that would reduce her body to it's most pure form. 90% cocaine and 10% crazy. Now that's something people would pay good money to snort."
Too soon? or Not soon enough?
Now, I just need to sit back and let the royalty checks and hate mail roooooll in!
Monday, January 30, 2012
In the year 3021 mankind makes it's first contact with alien life. Much like a Steven Spielberg film we are unable to communicate with this extraterrestrial species and,unlike the film, not even with the aid of music can we converse with these heavenly beings.
Mankind is no stranger to vanity. We lance our faces with metal and plastic, fill our breasts with silicon and we break the bones of our skulls in order to reshape it into something considered 'beautiful' by the masses. So, therefore, who are we to judge the bizarre cosmetic fetishes of these outlanders?
These collectors of homo sapiens soon decided who they desired and who would become genetic outcasts. They did not desire, what we would consider to be 'purebred' but rather those with certain ailments; disfigurements you might say.
For instance, they bred mountain peoples for their running capability, but failed to realize that such high levels of testosterone would become problematic to the female portion of that society. Soon, the females became incapable of reproduction and the women had to be artificially inseminated and pumped full of hormones, in order to keep up with the demand for mountain humans. The people of the hills don't usually suffer from such ailments but our space brothers have bred them to become the inferior humans that they are today.
Our space invaders also had a certain fascination with tiny humans, for their children to play with. Normally, these humans would be considered Dwarfs, a medical condition that can make life very difficult. But, the aliens insisted that people be bred with dwarfism, in their genetic coding. Unfortunately, most of these dwarfs don't make it past the age of 30, because of their intergalactic breeding.
Most of the 'outcast' human society abhors this alien behavior but for others it is a sign of 'good breeding' and a sign of excellent social standing within the alien community.
I cannot judge these travelers for their deeds because I have been told that the human race has treated those, that we felt were 'beneath' us, no better than we are being treated today.
I saw a small dog on the road the other day. It was grey, had a beard and almost no tail to speak of. A passer by told me that such a breed has never truly existed in nature but was a creation of mankind and it is a miracle that that breed is still alive today. I wonder if that mustacheod hound wonders what I was thinking when I cut off its tail?
-This has been a work of fiction-