Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Explorers' Club

Smoking cigars, surrounded by leather furniture in an atmosphere of thick storytelling has been a dream of mine for quite some time. When I was 6, my dream was to become a unicorn, sadly that dream never came to fruition but becoming a member of the Explorers Club is a fantasy which is actually within reach.

In order to become a member of this prestigious group there are several requirements. First and foremost you need to be more than just a tourist; so unfortunately, I can't put my trip to Dollywood on my application. You must have been an active participant in at least 2 scientific expeditions. Lucky for me, I plan on going on an archaeological dig in Israel and, even more lucky, I have 2 community college credits in BOTH archaeology AND astronomical geology. BOOM! Pretty much an expert at this point. In addition, I have seen ALL the Indiana Jones movies including the terrible 'Crystal Skull' installment of the franchise. I still need to work on my whip technique and (people tell me) that I have an atrocious American accent when I speak Hindi and Bengali.

This club doesn't initiate poor people either. You have to pay dues, which are pretty steep. I guess they just want to keep the riff raff, of the scientific community, out of the club. Can't have a bunch of Dr. Zoidbergs running around. This poses an immediate hindrance to me seeing as I am 'poor'. There is currently no medical cure for 'poor' but I have faith in the medical community. There should really be more 5k's raising money for the cure to 'poor'. Every dollar helps.

Not quite sure how I should conduct my second scientific expedition though? I imagine that I might have to leave the couch and put pants on, which could create a problem. Also, why does "field work" require so many pants? It's like, I'm in the FIELD dude! No one knows if I was wearing pants or not so just chill out. When Jonas Edward Salk created the cure for polio did anyone ask him if he was wearing pants at the time? NO! (Ok, pants rant over) Maybe I should start out small. Like, I really need to explore the dollar menu more at Wendy's. I mean, don't you want to know which side item will pair best with a small frosty and chili? I am conducting this research for you, really. This is for science people.

What are some other Value Menu's, err...I mean "expedition sites" that I should explore? Leave your ideas in the comments and let's explore together!

Monday, May 23, 2016

Remember When Your Life Was in Shambles? Facebook Remembers

Facebook mathematicians have stumbled upon the exact algorithms to find the worst possible photos of you during the most shameful part of your life, and no one is safe. You could be Chris Pratt and FB will only "share memories" from that time you were on the show "Parks and Recreation" and were a little tubby and pasty. It won't mention the fact that people still thought you were adorable, funny and oh yeah...a millionaire, nope the only noteworthy aspect of your life at that time, according to FB, was the fact that you were husky, and people NEED to remember how chunky you were. Will FB remember that you were in the award-winning film "Zero Dark Thirty"? No. Can FB recall the time that you starred in the graphically stunning "Lego Movie?" Nah.

This is sounding like I am creeping on Chris Pratt, which I am....the #creepening, but this example just shows that we are are all pawns in Facebook's elaborate shame game, the #shamening.

Here is my shame...and yes, I did the girl thing and didn't REALLY find the most terrible photo of myself, but a somewhat horrendous one, none the less. I didn't want to render my beloved readers blind after witnessing the ACTUAL worst photo of me, but don't worry Facebook will find it.

Also, shout out to home slice Chris Pratt for being my shame partner in this blog. #shamening

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Captain Hindsight

Please learn from my mistakes. Lying comes very easy to me unless I am put on the spot. I need time to prepare, to get into character, to discover my motivation and research my backstory. Perhaps, this stems from my early childhood when I took acting classes or because I just watch way too much TV however; this is all immaterial. When put on the spot I can't lie worth a damn. Here is a sampling of me on the spot given no preparation:

Police Officer: "What is your name"
PO: "Last name?"
PO:"Ma'am can you please step out of the vehicle"
PO:(Starts reading me my Miranda rights)
(end scene)

I tell you this so that you can be better prepared in awkward or law infringing situations.

A few days ago I was out on a run when a young man approached me and said something to me but I couldn't hear so, I took out my earbuds and he repeated himself, "Hi, I need to practice my massage skills would you like a foot rub, so that I can practice?" Me, "(Open mouth, head thrown back, ugly laughter) No thanks, I'm in the middle of my workout but nice try dude." Random guy, yet again proceeds to follow me and asks, "How about after your run?" Me, "(more laughter) No man, I'm way to busy, adios."

In hindsight, this is how I should have reacted. Random stranger, "Hi, I need to practice my massage skills would you like a foot rub, so that I can practice?" Me, "HELL YES I WOULD!!!!" Then I promptly kick off my tennis shoes to reveal my blistered stinky feet and plop my butt down in the middle of the road right where I was standing, next to the chain link fence and dumpster. Being faced with the reality of my feet and creeped out passerbyers  my (cough) assailant quickly leaves the premises."Terrible try dude, terrible try."
(end scene)

I call this play, "The Creepening" study it, learn it, call all bluffs...and then maybe contact the authorities but hopefully the authorities won't send that same cop who you told, "I SUFFER FROM A RARE CONDITION THAT CAUSES ME TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS AND ALSO MY LEGS DON'T WORK!!!!!!!"

Friday, May 6, 2016

The Deadliest of Sins

First there was "bunny ears" then there was "planking" and now I offer for your consideration "slothing". The first photo is of me "slothing"(patent pending) in Virginia and the second was me "slothing" it up in Romania. I need to "sloth" my way across the world. The ultimate would be for me to "sloth" in Costa Rica right next to an actual sloth "slothing" about.

Will you be part of my revolution? If you "sloth" anywhere take a pic and send it to me. But, beware, that picture will probably end up on this blog. The world right now is full of "actual" political, religious and environmental revolutions but the "sloth" revolution is for all peoples, everywhere. If you see something that you could hang from (preferably a tree) then hang from it. This is why I can't accomplish anything important. I am too busy hanging from trees and shit.

Side note: I lost my phone in Romania....can't imagine how...probably a "slothing" related incident. So, learn from my mistakes and make sure that all valuables are properly secured before attempting to "sloth". Pregnant women, smokers and those taking certain medications must discuss "slothing" with their doctors before practicing this life style. Always be sure to check the load bearing capabilities of your branch before going into a full "sloth". Lastly, if you call my phone don't be surprised when an old gypsy woman answers it and puts a curse on you. These are the hazards of "slothing", or you know, being totally irresponsible.