Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Hulk Hands Diet

The Hulk Hands Diet is a pure, all-natural, safe and healthy way to lose weight, gain energy and a great way to get your life back!

Here at Hulk Hands, we encourage regular, daily exercise. This boosts metabolism, increases energy levels and helps to moderate our moods and emotions. The Hulk Hands exercise routine is simple, just put on your Avengers approved Hulk Hands, then find something that angers you and just let the rage flow! HULK SMASH HIS WAY TO A BETTER BODY. HULK HAS BETTER SELF ESTEEM ABOUT HULK BODY DUE TO HULK EXERCISE PLAN! Whew, what a workout!

If you thought the workout plan was fun and easy, just wait till you hear about the Hulk Hands meal plans. On the Hulk Hands diet, you can eat whatever you want! Yes, you heard/read me correctly. Eat whatever you want; whenever you want! It's easy. Whatever you can grasp, in your Hulk Hands, you can eat! The Hulk Hands Diet is FDA approved, contains NO stimulants and is gluten free!

Don't wait any longer to get the body you want and deserve! Hulk smash your way to a better body and a better you! Don't delay! Order your Hulk Hands Diet supplements and exercise plan today!

*Check with your insurance company to see if they cover damages caused by the Hulk Hands exercise routine. The Incredible Hulk is not responsible for damages caused by Hulk Hands.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Meat Heads

Ok, first of all, where have you been all my life wiki page devoted to racial slurs?! The hilarity is unending. Second of all, this web page is totally racist and not because of its racial slurs but because of its lack of racial slurs.

This site "claims" to list all racial slurs, alphabetically by ethnicity. Under the header "Individual Ethnicities" there are only 9 ethnicities listed. I'm pretty sure there are more than 9 ethnicities, in the world, and I need to know what their specific racial slurs are! You are racist wikipedia for lumping us all into 9 categories! I am French and my husband calls me a "frog eater". French isn't even listed on this site! People need to know that me and my people EAT FROGS!!! They are sooo delicious hopping up and down, past my beret, beneath my hairy armpits and inside my stomach!!! Whoever compiled/wrote this page is a total meat head.

Racism is never funny but Wikipedia is always hilarious.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

You Complete Me

It comes in BUCKETS here. My life is complete.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Dragnet:The Buffet Files

 "Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."  

I wish this story wasn't true but sadly it is. The most distressing part of this story being that I have been inside and proceeded to consume "food" products from the Golden Corral. If it makes you feel any better I did not pay for this "nourishment" and no, I didn't steal it either. My spouse and I were at the scene of the crime for a free military appreciation dinner. The "restaurant" was packed to the chocolate fountains with all kinds of miscreants, people on rascals, toddlers the size of small adults and stretch pants...oh the stretch pants. The health code violations abounded and the ambrosia salad runneth over...quite literally actually, it ran into the industrial size tub of ranch dressing. 

At approximately 8:55 pm (Eastern Standard Time), I became separated from my husband somewhere between the salad bar and the highly questionable "seafood" area. I was dressed casually, as one normally does when preparing to eat one's own body weight in hush puppies, soft serve ice cream and chicken tetrazzini. I was preparing to fill my soup bowl with my third helping of chicken pot pie soup (a truly unholy matrimony of foods, if ever there was one!) when a young man, no more than 17 years of age taps me on the shoulder. The adolescent stood no more than 6" 1' tall and the gauntness of his face, mixed with the rest of his slender frame and Insane Clown Posse (ICP) t-shirt caused me to question my own reality. How does one ingest a whole tray full of fried chicken and yet still appear to be so emaciated?  Surely, the demonry of ICP would hold these answers and more. Pulling me out of my own diabetically induced philosophical melt down the youth proceeded to ask me, "Do you come here often? Are you here with any one?" I remember thinking to myself, "Do I come here often? No, who goes to Golden Corral often? And, if I did, why would I admit to such a thing?" I immediately shooed the young man away with a ladle full of cream of broccoli soup and quickly sought out my non-teenaged husband. Later, in our "dinning" experience, the exact same teenager managed to get himself into a full on fist fight with another youth by the endless pizza bar. Police officers were called to the scene to apprehend both parties. 

I was left wondering. Did I miss out on the love of my life? Will the officer, in charge, accept this written testimony of love lost, weight gained, dignity cast away in a sea of jello salad and shame found in no less than three (Incredible Hulk sized)  servings of macaroni casserole. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Hans Christian Redenbacher

I would have edited this photo to underline and highlight the "Don't use the popcorn button" on these instructions but I don't own Photoshop because I don't own money. Great, now I just made myself sad. Someone Photoshop the pain away, please, also the tears.

Don't use the popcorn button?! What the H. E. double hockey sticks do I use it for then? I think this button is only used for those of us who want to get our gas station burritos perfectly frozen on the inside and yet fully engulfed in flames on the outside. Or, it has some kind of Hot Tub Time Machine function. Either way, there must be a story behind this...

Once upon a time in, let's say, Silicon Valley there was a handsome prince. This prince was the Vice President of General Electric (GE) and he loved popcorn! The prince loved all kinds of popcorn too, cheese popcorn, kettle corn, caramel corn, moose munch and even that stuff the Boy Scouts sell every year which will never trump a good Thin Mint but hey, a young man can dream can't he? The handsome prince loved popcorn so much that he was willing to marry it! Well, not exactly. He was in love with a princess, the Princess Orvilla Redenbacher of the Kernel Kingdom. There was just one problem, the evil overlord and supreme ruler of all the lands, Uncle Sam!!! (Enter dramatic musical theme)

 Uncle Sam had passed a law forbidding the merger of such large and vast kingdoms. Uncle Sam feared that the monopoly would one day usurp him and steal his throne. The supreme ruler of the land was not a dull king but a wise one. He had spies everywhere who he called his "attorneys". These attorneys were well aware of the secret love between Orvilla and the Vice President of GE. So, the evil overlord instituted a new law called the Food and Drug Administration. You see, the prince wanted to show just how great his affection for the princess was by installing an easy to use and consumer tested popcorn button on all of GE's microwaves. The princess was over joyed by this display of affection and immediately made super annoying lovey dovey status updates all over Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, bleh! (Excuse me) Uncle Sam used this turn of events to his advantage. He used the FDA to claim that microwaves were unsafe and the popcorn button was the most unsafe function on the device. He ordered the princess to add warning labels to all of her food stuffs that would tell the customer to NEVER use the popcorn button.

The president of GE was incredibly hurt by this slight of hand. His son had tried to help another kingdom and was given a slap in the face in return! The prince begged his father to reconsider the merger but to no avail. The company's ego was tarnished forever more and all thanks to that princess! So now, when you pop a bag of popcorn, please use the popcorn button on the microwave because it keeps the memory of true love alive, despite a court order stating otherwise.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Little Shop of Home Depot

All the the knowledge that I posses about botany emanates from the movie Little Shop of Horrors (A cult classic that my husband has never seen because he is a total mystery). With this being said, I do not understand the "Indoor Plants" section of the Home Depot. I assume, from the title, that these plants must be kept inside at all times no matter what, no matter how much the flower or herb begs you to go outside to play with all their other seedling friends and drink Capri Suns until the sun goes down.

How do these plants survive in the wild? They must be the genetically engineered dogs of the plant world. The pomeranians of greenery. I can't help but envision adorable little town houses, in the forest somewhere, that occur naturally and are housing these feeble little flora.

The only plants that I have managed NOT to kill have been cacti and succulents. After the zombie/Left Behind/Hunger Games/Terminator apocalypse and into our dystopian future few things will have survived except for roaches, cacti and Joan Rivers. I am positive that all these weak little bitch plants are going to be the first life forms to permanently die off.

My husband recently purchased a basil plant and so far, despite my best attempts, it is thriving. This plant requires constant sunshine and needs to be watered two times a day. Basil hales from Italy. It does not rain two times a day in Italy, where we live. I'm pretty sure that it doesn't even rain two times a day in the RAIN forest. I literally have no idea how this plant grows in the wild.

I just can't trust something that is so delicious, so high maintenance and yet an ultimate biological mystery, that is sold next to lawn gnomes at the Home Depot.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Give Credit Where Credit is Due

The majority of AWESOME ideas, floating around the universe right now, are mine. But, once in a great while, the torch is passed. I am not afraid to admit when I have been out done (which, sadly, is often). This is one of those great moments in our history when a true genius has risen to such great heights amongst us. A god amongst men. An idea so original and yet so simple.

Humanity has clear grand pianos (Thanks every pop band that sorta plays piano) which are totally pointless and probably sound like shit or more likely have an electric keyboard encased inside of a translucent grand shell (equally dumb). And yet, we can not use lucite to our advantage? For science?! I say thee nay! What else, in our lives, could be improved upon if they were only transparent. Perhaps our medical bills...(see what I did there?!) Politics, BOOM!

Monday, July 14, 2014

Dr. Bunson Honeydew, Esquire, Monsignor

"If you can't pronounce it don't eat it!" I love these kind of quotes that don't really make any sense, when you think about it. Many modern foods do contain chemicals, with long names, and it doesn't necessarily mean that these foods are bad for you. Phrases like these are just meant for the hive mind of people who can't do their own research. We don't have time anymore so we need others to do the research for us. Sometimes those doing the "research" are people like Beaker and Dr. Bunson Honeydew or they are people who write blogs (not unlike myself). If you have learned anything from my blog it is the fact that I know literally nothing. Please don't come to people like me for medical advice, science facts or news. Come to us for comedy and nothing more. I don't want my scientists telling jokes and I don't want my comedians doing high level mathematics. It's just good science!

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

My World Cup Runneth Over

Americans dislike soccer and here is why. The teams don't score enough: We need non-stop, in your face, Michael Bay action or we immediately lose interest. There aren't any "star" players: We come for the game but we stay for Dennis Rodman in a tutu. They are foreigners: Eh! It's like they are from Canada or something?  We don't understand the rules: The last time I got "carded" was at a bar.

Soccer is already a world wide sensation and here is why: All you really need to play soccer is a ball. Most countries that excel at soccer are very poor nations so naturally their youth cannot afford all the gear and "ice time" associated with hockey. Nobody owns a basketball hoop. Gear issue again for U.S. style football. Someone needs to own a huge net for volley ball and once AGAIN gear issue for baseball. These are the sports of wealthier nations and that's ok. But, soccer isn't going away so how can we, as Americans, learn to appreciate this sport?

Let's start with the scores. Most soccer games end in 0-0 matches or 1-0, 2-1 and that's about as much action as you're gonna get. It's like high school dating all over again! I suggest that U.S. broadcasters Photoshop in an explosion, every once in a while, like right in the middle of the field. This will keep any overly stimulated, ADHD American on the edge of their seat. We might also need cheer leaders...

No star players you say? Not enough drama? I beg to differ. In American sports we get caught up with the players' wives and families or their illegal dog fighting rings. Just tune in to the BBC every now and then to check up on the latest soccer player that was KILLED for not playing well. I wish I made that last part up but sadly that is true. If that isn't enough drama for you; you should probably seek medical attention for your blood thirst addiction.

They are foreigners. Well, you could start watching soccer and investing in the U.S. team and then there would be less foreigners. Maybe this is why the rest of the world doesn't like U.S. football? They are all at home just thinking, "Meh, foreigners." MIND BLOWN.

We don't understand the rules. I can't really expound upon this because I barely understand the rules of a relay race. Ball in net = GOOOOAAAL! Ball on field= sometime soon there will be a GOOOAAL!

I hope this helps, coming from someone who does not watch or care about sports.

Monday, July 7, 2014

The Fly

*No Jeff Goldblums were harmed in the writing of this blog.

Two flies have been ruining my life. They cannot be killed; they might even be terminators I'm not sure. We cannot kill them. We set up fly paper and this weird bottle of sugar water that the internet told us to make. Literally, nothing will kill these assholes. A better fly killer/trap needs to be invented but first let's look at the facts.

Flies don't actually want to be on your food, they want to be on YOU. The food is merely a segue to the closest human. These flies only bother me and my husband when we are innocently sitting on the couch sanz food. They just don't want us to watch anime all day long I guess. Jerks.
Okay, we need to create human shaped fly catchers/killers. This fly catcher will still need to be portable for use indoors and outdoors. I suggest an inflatable human and NO not one of those "love dolls" from an adult video store (you sicko). An inflatable human that is dressed like they just want to relax and not be bothered by flies. This inflatable humanoid will emit a sweet smell but then kill those stupid creatures on contact thru it's toxic skin! This item is not yet safe for children because it is still in the prototype phases of construction. Since it will be covered in bug poison, kids will, naturally, want to play with it. If you know of a way I can make this thing kid safe, let me know. This is a Think Tank, after all. I can't be a one woman Think Tank.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

A Meeting of Think Tanks (You Damn Dirty Apes!)

Totally forgot about this photo from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. This photo was taken right by the monkey/ape exhibit. This zoo allows orangutans to freely swing from a very high rope to get to one enclosure from another over the heads of many frightened tourists. It was a lot like Planet of the Apes with a little less Charlton Heston and 100% more Asian tourists taking photos of EVERYTHING.

The National Zoo is free to the public so if I was part of this Think Tank I would try to find new ways to raise money for the zoo. I'm thinking simian birthday cards. You get to pick out the ape and then an underpaid zoo intern places your monkey at a typewriter to compose a wholly unique greeting card for your loved one! Sincere notes would include such kind words as, "ALSDkfjilsdij8678", "g88fioooooooo000000" and my personal favorite "--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------". I figure if people are dumb, I mean LOVING enough to buy elephant music and penguin foot paintings that it is about time our simian brethren had their chance to turn a trick, express themselves creatively and earn their keep. You can't put a price on the tender writings of an ape but if you did it would be $49.95 and available for purchase in the gift shop.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

It's Pronounced, " 'Merica "

Things I miss from America:
Driving everywhere
Live music
Theme Parks and water parks

Things I don't miss from America:
Country music
Guns (Ask me why guns are on both lists)
Fox News
Reality TV
Super sized things
Salt water taffy
Pick-up trucks and (more specifically) pick-up truck drivers

America, like anywhere and anyone, has it's good side and it's bad. She will ask you to take photos of her only after she has sucked in her gut and within that gut is Honey Boo Boo. America wants you to know about all of it's freedoms and proud history but not about reality TV and churches such as Hobby Lobby or is it a business...wait it might be a person too?

 America is confusing, at times,  and she keeps you guessing like a theme park based around the history of the Bible. I can honestly say, that through all of my travels, America is the weirdest place I have ever been/lived. That is what makes the United States so great! It's weird and you don't have to like it or apologize. Just wait. America is always cookin' something up. If you are tired of Republicans they will flip flop with the Democrats, eventually. If you can't stand country music just wait for the country/rock backlash where true musicians rise up and fight the tyranny of, "She Thinks my Tractor's Sexy".

 America is liquid just like the great Mississippi River or the Guadalupe; ever flowing and ever changing. America is more than just a land mass. It's ideals. It's Taco Bell. It's the constitution. It's Forever 21 and Elizabeth Warren. It's ridiculous and sincere. It has it's faults, mainly the San Andreas but also Sunny D (What is that stuff?!). Just like family members, we complain about them when their there but we miss them when they are gone. I do miss you America, the good and the bad. Wait, I take that back I just don't miss Honey Boo all. 'Merica!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

$30 Flights and Other Mythical Creatures

People are constantly telling me how cheap travel in Europe is and those people are full of doo doo. Travel in Europe IS cheap if you are willing to whore yourself across the continent and I'm all outta tricks people.  I'm always hearing about $30 plane flights to all of these amazing places. When I go to book my flight I end up paying $800. If I tell people how much I paid for my plane tickets I immediately receive scoffs, "What?! I only paid $100 for that same flight?! Why didn't you go to X or Y website to book?!" Umm, I did go to those websites and they do have cheap flights IF you want to fly out of someplace that is 4 hours away from your local airport, at 3 AM., fly for 12 hours with an 8 hour layover in a town you have never even heard of and then you would have to immediately fly back the next day. Those are the only $30 flights that exist.  If I did receive a $30 plane ticket, that should have been $800, I would just assume that that plane would take me to the island from LOST and I am not about that.

Other lies:
"I made $500 in tips last night, as a waitress, at Applebee's"
"Santa Claus"
"The Toothe Fairy"
"You can't put a price on education!" (Yes, yes you can and it's too damn high)
"There are other fish in the sea." (Gross, who wants to date a fish, sick)
"The Easter Bunny"
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away"
"You can write off your gas on your taxes"
"I was upgraded to first class for free!"

Other mythical creatures:
Non-stop flights
Comfortable airline seats
Babies that don't cry
...or poop
Husbands who HATE sports