Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Navient A.K.A Mephistopheles (He Who Avoids the Light) and the Battle for my Student Loans

I am in a very weird situation. The situation is good financial standing. I'm quite sure that this won't last for long. The spell will probably end at midnight and my car will turn into a pair of mismatched Old Navy flip flops but for now I am the bell of the ball!

Don't worry, I am being responsible, no jets, no Dom Perignon, just student loans, paying on my student loans. As many of you know, Sallie Mae has transformed into an even more sinister entity known as Navient.

With my extra cash, I went online and tried to put some additional money on my loans, that are handled by Navient (aka the Dark Lord). Long story short, the Navient (He who shall not be named) website was malfunctioning. You would think that they could use my $54,000 towards an IT department but, I digress. I called customer service. Pro-tip. If you want to speak to a human there is a great website called but if that doesn't work then just scream the words FUCK YOU into your phone at the recorded menu...someone will redirect your call so that you can yell FUCK YOU to a real live human! It's fun!

Next, I spoke to a nice Indian woman who just took my funds over the phone since neither of us could figure out what the website problem was or how to fix it. My representative then proceeds to tell me (And this is where I lost my mind), "Ok, your payment has gone through and I have waved the $14 phone processing fee since you were having technical issues with our online site." This company was going to charge me money in order to take my money? That's the inception of getting fucked! This company already has all my bank account information because my payments are automatic. In this instance I was trying to give (the Devil) MORE money than my automated monthly payments. At least the call was recorded so that someone will hear my rage...probably not do anything about it but at least SOMEONE, other than me, will suffer my wrath.

A business that already has all my bank account and credit card information has chosen to use Western Union. I didn't even know that company still existed. My money is currently traveling along the Orient Express and then will ride on the Pony Express to it's Manifest Destiny. I can only imagine the banker who is handling this transaction is sporting a monocle and handlebar mustache. I hope this banker picks up some kick-ass spices on the Silk Road as he journeys to the Navient headquarters on the shore of the River Styx.

Also, if you look closely at this photo you can just tell how dumb I am because the other tab that is open in this photo is titled, "how to take a screenshot". At least, through this infuriating situation, I finally learned how to take a screenshot; next I will be tackling emojis and text messaging. It's as if I just missed the '90's. I'm just now getting caught up. What is this "AIM" that all the kids are talking about?

What is the lesson here? If you sign your name to student loans with Navient, you have just made an actual deal with the devil and you might learn how to play the guitar or fiddle but won't have a soul anymore. Navient (Beelzebub) has your soul and a $14 processing fee...needed to take your soul via Western Union.