Christmas Card Chaos Is Finally Here!

My Christmas cards finally came in the mail the other day! (Thanks Tiny Prints!) I have successfully added my likeness to my new Christmas card family! This new (some might say better) family consists of myself, shirt-less Taye Diggs, our tiny Asian love child and a menagerie of camels and parakeets all sporting Santa hats. You can almost taste the chaos! I cannot WAIT for my family and friends to open these wonders! I only wish I could see their faces.

Merry Christmas ya'll!

Christmas Card Chaos!

Every year I struggle to produce the perfect Christmas card. Classy? Tasteless? Irreverent? Religious? Far Side? I strive for timeless elegance but always manage to end up with something like this...

This year's Christmas card theme will be "Chaos Theory". Instead of sending out the traditional card that consists of a photo of me and my husband and some rando Christmas clip art, I have decided to enclose a photo of myself with a total stranger. Preferably, that stranger would be a strong African American man and (fingers crossed!) a tiny Asian baby and our 4 parakeets all wearing tiny Santa hats. This card will be sent out to our nearest and dearest with absolutely no explanations except for the obligatory Happy Holidays moniker. I will then cease and desist from all social media and merely watch the chaos ensue from my front row seat! I will not answer emails, telephone calls or any other queries. My relatives will be in total media darkness. "Is she divorced?", they will say. "Was she Asian this whole time and we didn't know?" "If so, then what persuAsian is she?" "I thought she hated birds?" "We all thought she was racist?" "I guess not?" None of these questions will be answered.

After all, what better way to celebrate the birth of our Lord than alienating your entire family? I think the very first Christmas card would have been similar to my current plan. Picture it. Mary amongst a plethora of farm animals (for no apparent reason) alongside her would-be spouse and an angel floating in the background. The foreground would be composed of a tiny baby born not of Joseph but of a Higher Power. Now, put yourself in the shoes (or should I say sandals) of Mary's mother. You haven't spoken to your daughter in over a fortnight and out of the blue you receive this card in the mail by donkey express.There are no words, no explanations except for a crudely painted portrait and a solicitation of pure faith.

Is my card really that different? Maybe I'm not trying to start a grass-roots religion but God knows I will sacrifice everything for comedy.

A Meeting of Think Tanks (You Damn Dirty Apes!)

Totally forgot about this photo from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. This photo was taken right by the monkey/ape exhibit. This zoo allows orangutans to freely swing from a very high rope to get to one enclosure from another over the heads of many frightened tourists. It was a lot like Planet of the Apes with a little less Charlton Heston and 100% more Asian tourists taking photos of EVERYTHING.

The National Zoo is free to the public so if I was part of this Think Tank I would try to find new ways to raise money for the zoo. I'm thinking simian birthday cards. You get to pick out the ape and then an underpaid zoo intern places your monkey at a typewriter to compose a wholly unique greeting card for your loved one! Sincere notes would include such kind words as, "ALSDkfjilsdij8678", "g88fioooooooo000000" and my personal favorite "--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------". I figure if people are dumb, I mean LOVING enough to buy elephant music and penguin foot paintings that it is about time our simian brethren had their chance to turn a trick, express themselves creatively and earn their keep. You can't put a price on the tender writings of an ape but if you did it would be $49.95 and available for purchase in the gift shop.

Greeting Card MANIA!

Once upon a time, a simple time; one could walk into a Walgreen's and purchase a birthday, holiday, or special occasion greeting card. This card could be humorous, sensitive or just stated the facts and I think everyone loved the "blank inside" cards the most. And, the most expensive card one could find would cost about $3 and was probably the tri-fold card with glitter all over it. But, alas, those days are over.

Gone are the days of simple statements such as, "I love you.", or, "Happy 30th grandma." Nope, now we need to tell people happy birthday with a Beatles song screeching out of a card that also extends to the length of a full size guitar and can be played as one. This card costs $12. Or, we might choose a card that is a "pop-out" and turns into a birthday cake. This card weighs 1/4 of a pound and requires extra postage. There are also cards that are scratch and sniff, or have googly eyes attached to it, or turn into an origami butterfly that can also be used as a kite, or cards that are shaped to be a money holders, or a card that can tell me my future by witchcraft.

I love receiving cards in the mail because it is always a happy surprise; but good LORD don't spend $12 on my card...just give me $12...because I am a selfish, selfish person.