Saw this; thought of you!

This was in the dumpster outside my apartment. I guess there's just no room in this world for old smelly mattresses=(

Eat, Pray, Whore Myself Across India

Disclaimer: This is a movie/book review done by someone who has not read/seen this movie/book. Enjoy.

Eat, Pray, Love is a movie/book about a woman who ditches her corporate job to "find" herself in India, Bali and Italy.
Problem no. 1: Why do I have to travel to "find" myself? Can't I just take a couple of weeks off and do something slightly less expensive like join a church, take a painting class or go to a museum (and try to sneek in as a 12 yr. old to get the kids price?). Well, not according to Eat, Pray, Love.
Problem no. 2: How does one "find" oneself? Did my former self leave me a series of clues like a scavenger hunt? If I ran away without telling anyone do I really want to find that person again anyways? He sounds like a real douche.
Problem no. 3: I liked this movie better when it was called "How Stella Got Her Groove Back"
Problem no. 4: It must be really easy to "find" yourself when you are independently wealthy. Just like being skinny is easier when you are rich. i.e. personal trainers and fancy foods. If I had been in this movie/book it would have been called "Eat, Pray, Whore Myself Across India" because I wouldn't be able to afford to get back to America where whoring is illegal.
Problem no. 5: Shut up Julia Roberts!! You play the SAME character in every movie you have ever done!! I want to see Julia Roberts in a slap stick comedy about CGI dogs who rescue their town from an alien invasion. (Now that is an acting range) Or Perhaps, a Quentin Tarantino film where Roberts plays a one-eyed zombie hooker who is back from the grave to exact her revenge on her former occult pimp, who turned her into the one-eyed zombie hooker she is today. (It's got Oscar written all over it!)

In conclusion: If you are a middle aged, middle class, white woman with 1.5 kids you will probably love this movie/book. Everyone else? Hope you're ready to whore yourself across India!

Weddings and tradition (Music)

So, apparently I'm getting married? (Hurrah!) I really want to have a reality show based on my wedding exploits however, it wouldn't be a very good show because I don't go on enough "tyraids". So, I thought I would start one here in hopes of becoming a BRAVO/TLC/Style Network bitch of the moment mega star!

This tyraid is on traditional wedding music. I thought that building a family was about STARTING traditions. Apparently not. Let me esplain. Me and my fiance have already picked out a church. At said church I am only allowed to use their organist and I can also only use sacred or classical music for the actual ceremony. When I protested, I was told that these were my only musical choices because a marriage ceremony is actually a "worship service". What?! Look, I love tiny baby Jesus as much as the next guy but common! I highly doubt anyone is going to be getting "saved" at my wedding. However, since it is apparently a "worship service" I am now demanding a full-on gospel choir with the congregation singing and worshiping with hands raised to the heavens thru cries of jubilation. I also require someone to speak in tongues during the exchanging of vows, just to shake it up a bit during the boring parts. Something tells me this will make the old ladies at this church even angrier than my original "tame" request to have Billy Idol's White Wedding played as I walked down the aisle after the ceremony.

The other choice, classical music, makes even less sense. I can't have the Bowie but I can have Bach's Toccata and Fugue??!! I literally asked the church's wedding organizer this question and she said yes. (that's the funny part) For those of you who don't know, this Bach piece is the one that is most often associated with vampire films and the occult. Bach was a protestant, so I know this was not his original intent for this piece of music, but either way that is what it has become. So, now I can have vampire music as I walk down the aisle but Idol is right out. I wonder if Billy Idol knows that his music is more sacreligious than actual vampire music? Someone should contact him.

Tyraid, over. Look for more wedding tyraids in the weeks to come! Stay tuned!

I Go Where The Candy Goes

This Independence Day fell on a Sunday so I was at church. Our pastor has teaching time with the children of the congregation which is usually adorable and funny. This time our pastor asked one particular child what the 4th of July was about. The child did not know.

 I find that if a holiday does not involve candy and/or presents kids don't concern themselves with the meaning of the holiday. And who can blame them? If this holiday wanted to be more respected it would start doling out the candy and pronto!

So anyways, since the child did not know what the origin of the 4th of July was our pastor gave him a hint. He said,"It's when we celebrate our independence from what country?" The child stuttered and said,"It's umm...when we ummm...got seperated from...ummm...oh yeah! MEXICO!!" I think it's funny that we are soo far removed from europe that it is no longer even on our radar. But let's also keep in mind that every child here has experienced Mexican candy and raspas and when was the last time you heard of someone eating British candy? Gross. I go where the candy goes.

No Fatties

Alot of people (I'm looking in your direction europe!) like to make fun of the U.S. for being so obese and for the most part they have the right because most of us are fat. But, the U.S. military has a strict "no fatties" requirement for all recruits across all branches. What is interesting here is that if any other job required its employees to maintain a certain weight, that would be considered discrimination and that fatty could probably sue that employer on such grounds. The military can get away with this "discrimination" because, well...they have tanks. Hooters can be sued for not hiring male servers. Airlines can be sued when a rotund passenger is forced to purchase two seats based on his or her size. An all Jewish school can be sued for not admitting gentiles. The list goes on and on. I'm sure I could come up with a reason why my last job prospect didn't hire me...perhaps Mal-Interview Skills Syndrome or MISS for short. It's a social disorder...that I might have made up, but that's not the point! The point is, we should be holding ourselves to higher standards like the military does. Instead of sueing someone because they hurt our feelings maybe (and I know this sounds crazy) we should take some initiative and loss weight or take a communications class or get gender re-assignment surgery (for the Hooter's guy...jk...or am I?) The bottome line is, if my job told me that I was going to be fired over 15 lbs. I'd start running around in trash bags until the weight came off and that is exactly what new military recruits do who need to lose the weight to follow their dreams. If it's good enough for the best military on the planet, it's good enough for me.

Baby machine

Let me start off by saying that I am not a feminist, environmentalist or democrat however I do a pretty good job of blurring the lines between, democrat/republican, feminist/masogonist and environmentalist/get yer hippy b.s. out of my yard! What I mean to say is that I am constantly finding myself in the middle. I think that Keith Oberman, Shaun Hannity, Glenn Beck and Rachel Maddow should all be given a controversal news topic and then sent to a remote desert island to fight to the death about the subject.

I think that no matter how far women make it in the world we are still just expected to get married and have babies. We go to school only to meet guys to father our children. We spend massive amounts of money on our degrees only to never use them again because we now have children to take care of. Don't get me wrong there are a lot of working mothers out there but I don't know if I really agree with that either. We live in a society that wants our cake, that wants to eat our cake and that wants to start a massive food fight with the leftover cake. Audry Hepburn once said that she didn't want children because it would cause her to be a bad parent and a bad professional. It would hurt all aspects of her life. On the other hand we are currently living in a double in-come society. If both parents don't work it's almost impossible to support a family. I don't really have any answers to this situation (the only time I will admit to NOT having an answer) but I think this is an important subject to talk about out in the open.

In these times is it really so selfish to just not want children? Is it really so selfish to be a stay-at-home mom? Is it really so selfish to have a successful career and no children? No matter how far women's rights advance we are still mostly valued for our reproductive capabilities and how we use that asset. Almost all female controversy stems from this unique capability; birth control, abortion, IVF, STD's, sex education. I might not have an answer to any of these touchy subjects but I would appreciate a more open dialogue about them without fear of persecution or just being called "selfish" for not complying to the status quo.

Wal-Mart Preacher

Today, as I was turning into to Chick-Fil-A for my $5/1,000calorie chicken sandwich, I almost got into a wreck...almost. Apparently, a bald man, wearing a WWE RAW t-shirt and wielding a Bible was yelling at those driving by. I could hear someone yelling behind me and I assumed something logical (how stupid of me) like someone was hurt and yelling for help, I had inadvertenly hit something or someone and someone was trying to alert me or I was being ushered into the wal-mart parking lot by an over zealous father of a local boyscout troupe that desperately needs to sell the last bit of their delicious popcorn. (side note: this is why you fail boyscouts, no one wants stale popcorn. We want stale cookies sold by adorable little girls...duh!)

Anyways, what amazed me was this man's telepathic powers! Normally, when someone drives past me I have no idea if they are a trans-vestite, homosexual, an alcoholic (although, sometimes I can tell if they are an alcoholic), a pervert, hindu, Christian, Jewish, Muslim; call me crazy but I just can't tell! This man, on the other hand, was a telepathic genius. He KNEW if you were a homosexual AND he knew what Bible verse to yell at you?! How did he do it?!! Grant it, if you were driving a Saturn you'd probably be gay or at least a little by-curious. So, he might have been able to guess that one. But, the list continues. He KNEW if you were a pervert and that's a tough one to guess. He knew a specific prayer for the perverts driving by in their Nissan Maximas...amazing.

Here's my question Wal-Mart preacher. If you are, in fact, a telepathic (which I believe you are) then why don't you use your powers for something bigger. I mean, I'm sure the FBI would want a complete list of proven homosexuals in the tri-state area. Because like you said, "We all know their terrorists!". Also, I would think that the FBI would also be interested in your Biblical knowledge because what good is KNOWING where all the homosexuals are if you can't cure them?? And don't stop there! If you, Wal-Mart preacher, are able to cure the gays then I'm sure you can cure the Muslims of their Muslimness...right??

Well, I believe in you Wal-Mart Preacher and now, with the help of my helpful tips, perhaps you can start frying bigger fish. Or should I say bigger, gayer, Muslimyer fish!