"As Seen on this Blog"

As you may or may not know, I have a love/hate relationship with companies like Pampered Chef and Bed, Bath and Beyond. These businesses are constantly trying to sell things to the consumer that are both arbitrary and redundant. I try to live a minimalist life style; therefore, I don't need my kitchen to be bogged down by garlic presses, citrus juicers and apple corers. I do own a knife and a set of "hands" (patent pending) that have been working pretty well for the majority of my simple life.

However, I would love to own a machine that can shred chicken. Despite the fact that I own both a fork and a set of "hands" (patent pending), I just effing hate shredding chicken. If a recipe calls for shredded chicken I will usually cube the meat or just not make that stupid dish. Sadly, the majority of Mexican food calls for some kind of shredded meat and even sadder, I love Mexican food. So, you see my dilemma.

Things I hate include:

Hitler
Cats
Satan
Navient Loans
War
HGTV
Shredding Chicken

Can you put a chicken breast thru a paper shredder? Or maybe, a wood chipper would work better? I will be sending these questions off to my Research and Development (R&D) department. Product testing and consumer polling will take place shortly after the R&D phase. Be on the look out for the "Shredder" thru "As Seen on this Blog" not "As Seen on TV"...those people make garlic presses, and possibly war...but, definitely garlic presses.

The Pampered Dude

Origami Owl
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Pampered Chef
Passion Parties

Why are there no mail order parties for guys? I think I know why and the reason is this photo. This is why I am not invited to things...because I am a "bro". I think my new necklace is probably violating Origami Owl's (terms and conditions) and probably some State and Federal obscenity laws.

I blame the person who gave me the power to write my OWN "inscriptions". I am sure that fashion designer has now learned his/her lesson.

What wonderful obscenities would you inscribe on personalized jewelry and handbags?

Girl, That's a Weave (Doo or Dye)

During the baroque period, the wealthier peoples of western Europe wore wigs to disguise their unkempt hair. It seems silly in retrospect but only because the wigs were fashioned in the styles and tastes of the day. Ringlet curls were all the rage in Germany in the 1600's and even men wore long curly and very fake locks. Today there are three main groups of people who still wear wigs and even for these people the practice isn't really socially acceptable. Cancer patients wear wigs. Cancer patients need wigs but the new trend is to be proud no matter your circumstances and to not be ashamed of a disease that no one chooses for themselves. This is great. Older men wear wigs or toupees. People like Donald Trump can get away with the massive comb over but most other 'baldies' choose the toupee and again, most modern men simply go au natural. Bald is beautiful. Lastly, many African American women wear wigs or 'weaves'. These women choose to wear wigs for ease of styling. The natural fro is still my favorite hair style.

I for one am sick and tired of styling my freaking hair. If it was socially acceptable in our American culture for women to be bald I would be bald but for now I don't want people to think that I am a cancer patient 'poser'. That would be bad. I hate burning my hair with an IRON at temperatures reaching 500 degrees Fahrenheit, twisting my hair around an equally hot curling iron and then scorching my ears off and lastly spraying my newly styled quaff with a can of toxic fumes. Half my day is spent grooming my damn hair. Hours I could have spent more productively like watching E! News, making brownies that I will soon regret after I consume the entire tray of confections and trolling Facebook to mock those who didn't DO their hair!

Don't even get me started on how expensive it is to go to the salon. I haven't been to a salon, for my hair, in about a year. Although, I can understand why a women's haircut is $50 because doing anything to anyone's hair is freaking awful. I don't understand women who love to braid their friends hair, comb their hair, style their hair. You would have to pay me sooo much money to do that. Let's not even broach the subject of "men's haircuts" and why they are 1/4 the price of a simple women's hair cut....being a woman is expensive and often times in just.

I think that I will just start wearing wigs on my lazy days (aka everyday) and see if anyone notices. If they do, I will explain to them that I am just being retro...like, really retro, like 1600's Germany retro. Auf Wiedersehen bitches!

Navient A.K.A Mephistopheles (He Who Avoids the Light) and the Battle for my Student Loans

I am in a very weird situation. The situation is good financial standing. I'm quite sure that this won't last for long. The spell will probably end at midnight and my car will turn into a pair of mismatched Old Navy flip flops but for now I am the bell of the ball!

Don't worry, I am being responsible, no jets, no Dom Perignon, just student loans, paying on my student loans. As many of you know, Sallie Mae has transformed into an even more sinister entity known as Navient.

With my extra cash, I went online and tried to put some additional money on my loans, that are handled by Navient (aka the Dark Lord). Long story short, the Navient (He who shall not be named) website was malfunctioning. You would think that they could use my $54,000 towards an IT department but, I digress. I called customer service. Pro-tip. If you want to speak to a human there is a great website called http://gethuman.com/ but if that doesn't work then just scream the words FUCK YOU into your phone at the recorded menu...someone will redirect your call so that you can yell FUCK YOU to a real live human! It's fun!

Next, I spoke to a nice Indian woman who just took my funds over the phone since neither of us could figure out what the website problem was or how to fix it. My representative then proceeds to tell me (And this is where I lost my mind), "Ok, your payment has gone through and I have waved the $14 phone processing fee since you were having technical issues with our online site." This company was going to charge me money in order to take my money? That's the inception of getting fucked! This company already has all my bank account information because my payments are automatic. In this instance I was trying to give (the Devil) MORE money than my automated monthly payments. At least the call was recorded so that someone will hear my rage...probably not do anything about it but at least SOMEONE, other than me, will suffer my wrath.

A business that already has all my bank account and credit card information has chosen to use Western Union. I didn't even know that company still existed. My money is currently traveling along the Orient Express and then will ride on the Pony Express to it's Manifest Destiny. I can only imagine the banker who is handling this transaction is sporting a monocle and handlebar mustache. I hope this banker picks up some kick-ass spices on the Silk Road as he journeys to the Navient headquarters on the shore of the River Styx.

Also, if you look closely at this photo you can just tell how dumb I am because the other tab that is open in this photo is titled, "how to take a screenshot". At least, through this infuriating situation, I finally learned how to take a screenshot; next I will be tackling emojis and text messaging. It's as if I just missed the '90's. I'm just now getting caught up. What is this "AIM" that all the kids are talking about?

What is the lesson here? If you sign your name to student loans with Navient, you have just made an actual deal with the devil and you might learn how to play the guitar or fiddle but won't have a soul anymore. Navient (Beelzebub) has your soul and a $14 processing fee...needed to take your soul via Western Union.

Catch the Wave at Pompeii!

Apparently, people died at Pompeii. Did you know this? Because Pompeii assumes that you were unaware of the massive death toll during the city's infamous volcanic explosion.

Here are the remains of a citizen of ancient Pompeii who, I can only assume, died in the fury of Vesuvius but let's look closer, shall we?

Closer...

You mean to tell me that this guy didn't make it?! Lava flows can kill?! I thought he would have lived. This guy looks pretty good to me? I can't believe he's dead. I just thought everybody boogie boarded outta there on top of the Big Sur lava ocean?! I learned sooo much at Pompeii!!! Highly educational BUT there were far too many Asian tourists so I am gonna have to give Pompeii 1 star on Trip Advisor....

LAPD Purgatory

Where do we go when we die? Were you a bad person, like not returning your shopping cart bad or supreme leader/evil dictator bad? Were you a good person, like lending books to people when you know that they will NEVER return them to you type good or like Saint Mother Theresa type good? Maybe you will go to heaven. Maybe you will go into the hellscape of a Bosch painting. I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life but I will tell you how I would like mine to end.

For some morbid reason, I have given death a lot of thought. Should I be cremated? Buried? Should my body be used for science or fodder for a future tree. Last night I realized that I want my remaining body or body parts, whatever is left really, to be turned into a Robocop. I will try to put this into my will but I need to find an attorney who has experience with Robo-Law. If I become paralyzed, Robocop. If I need life support to survive, Robocop. If my body simply won't make it and death is the only other option, Robocop.

My husband said that he will leave me if I am turned into a Robocop. That's fine because after my transformation I will bury myself in my police work and other Robo-activities such as, TALKING IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS WITH NO DISCERNIBLE EMOTION, INTONATION OR ACCENT, cleaning my gun while hanging upside down from a door frame and also I am blindfolded for some reason, walking without swinging my arms, oiling all my Robo-joints, playing fetch with my new Robo police dog that was specially designed by the K9 unit of the police department. The dog's name will be Terabyte.

My new Robo-body will offer me eternal life and, in return, the people of Los Angeles will receive an eternity of prodigious justice. I won't need a funeral or memorial service. Instead, I will be issued a Glock 17, a badge and extreme authority. Detective RoboDonna is reporting for duty.

A Wrinkle in Time

I regret to inform you that time machines and Ponce de Leon's fountain of youth do not exist despite what Olay would have you believe.

Dear Ponce de Leon,
I can't believe you looked for the fountain of youth in FLORIDA. The land of skin cancer, bath salts, alligators and Gatorade is trying to KILL you; NOT keep you alive forever. If Dexter taught us anything it's that Florida wants you dead!

Regards, Oil of Olay Regenerist Time Traveler

Sorry, but somebody had to send a letter to that guy. Ok, for everyone else who is NOT Ponce de Leon, I just want to let you know that wrinkle creams don't work. But don't listen to me, listen to the doctors. Unfortunately, dermatologists have been in my life since birth. I have suffered from eczema since the womb. So, sometimes I ask my dermos silly questions out of boredom and I want to break up the monotony. Every skin doc from Texas to Italy has told me the same thing, "There is NO science to prove that anti-aging creams work no matter how expensive they are or where they come from." These lotions are a modern day snake oil scam. If you truly want to look younger or prevent aging then I would suggest saving your money and investing in time travel technology because that would be a better use of your $29.95 than spending that same cash at Wal-Greens on a tub of mystery cream....gross...mystery cream, ewwwwwwww. Nothing that is packaged in a tub can turn the hands of time backwards.