Going Vrogue

It has recently been brought to my attention that the two best-selling books, right now, are Sarah Palin's Going Rogue and Stephanie Meyer's Twilight saga. The Twilight saga has garnered much attention and the spin-offs are in abundance. Bookstores are now carrying anything that is vampire related. HEB carries a vampire wine and, worst of all, teenagers now believe that all their pent up angst, hostilities and sexual frustations will now pay off in either a major book deal or motion picture.

 Vampires are nothing new and teeny-bopper love affairs are even older, (Romeo and Juliet, Samson and Delilah anyone?). But, put the two together and you have a blood sucking, estrogen filled, money spending fourteen year old on your hands. I can't say that I BlAME Stephanie Meyer, she must love money and  she produced a blood soaked book that can deliver the bucks. I also love money and would jump at the chance to take advantage of middle school girls' parents; who are willing to buy anything that might induce a smile from their little princesses' tortured goth soul. Stephanie Meyer decided on the theme of money, in order to make money. What fictitious demographic is always wealthy? Vampires. Vampires are always wealthy. They are wealthy because they have been given an unholy eternity to roam the night, aquire antiques and learn sexy foreign languages. I, on the other hand, if given an eternity of youth and black lipstick, would spend my time mastering the art of channel surfing, collecting cheap airport novels and playing catch up on season 1 of True Blood. So, am I the only lazy vampire here? Why are all vampires so damn pro-active about life...er...death...er, dammit.

This is the issue that I will tackle in my new novel Going Vrogue. "Vick Von Fangson (try saying that ten times fast) was a 1980's business mogul, pro-golfer and loving father of three. Vick's life was spent between Reganomics, 9 irons and soccer practice. This family man was being stretched in three different directions and sometimes he wished he was dead just so he could catch a break! Luckily for Vick, death turned out to be his lucky day! Now that Vick is officially a member of the Undead Society he has all the time in the world to just sit back, watch a little golf and relax, right? Not if VAMP (Vampires Against Moratory Persons) has anything to say about it. Oh and did I mention, VAMP's party leader Sarah ImPalin really has it in for the undead world's newest and laziest vampire Vick...and to make matters worse, he's a democrat." If you liked Going Rogue and the Twilight saga get ready for the wildest, blood sucking, Republican ride of your life! Vick Von Fangson will have you laughing and wishing you had spent your formidable years watching re-runs of The Golden Girls instead of learning French and piano like all those other boring vampires. Look out GOP because here comes the laziest vampire of all time!

Dear Teach for America,

Why didn't you hire me? Was it because of the fact that I have never missed a deadline? Was it because my organizational skillz are kept inside of my noggin? Is it because I am tooo sexy? (probably not) Is it because I was over qualified? Is it becaue I am NOT smarter than a 5th grader? Was it because you saw this blog? Ya, it's probably because you saw this web log. At least YOU were super professional when you DIDN'T call me for my phone interview that I had setup with you. Also, you didn't even apologize for that, hmmm, Miss Manners is wagging her righteous finger at you! Why did you make my friends fill out Letters of Recommendation when you didn't even read them? Don't get me wrong I love wasting time but I try not to waste other people's time...unless it involves kite flying.

But enough about me, what about the children? Or as Paula Deen would say, "the chil'ren's." Think about what they will be missing out on. They will never learn how to properly air guitar, fight fisticuffs, curse at other children in German, play hookey, knee-pit fart or properly assemble a box kite! These are life lessons people! History, English, Math, Science all these disciplines are worthless if you don't know how to rock. What good is English if you don't know all the best curse words like #$$^#%&#$%FGF? What good is Math if you don't know how to use it to cheat at Black Jack? What good is History if you don't know where the first sounds of rock 'n' roll were heard? (It was Valhalla) What good is Science if you don't know how to construct a Peter Frampton Talk Box that also doubles as a bong? THESE are valuable skills that people would pay for. Or maybe not.

GFK

Being a venture capitalist isn't easy. First, you must make a venture on something. Second, you must believe in the teachings of capitalism. Third, you must believe in your product/company and I whole heartedly believe in innappropriatekites.com.

I have no idea if the domain name has been taken (I'm sure that it has) but I can think up other domain names should the situation require such a redress. Other domain names include, but are not limited to, dikesandkites.com, for the lesbian kite enthusiast; fightkites.com, immortalizing famous fights through out history in kite form; anatomicallykorrectkites.org, the non-profit organization that champions the plights of those who suffer from anatomic anomallies such as feet for hands and vice versa.

There is so much to be said in the medium of kites and as far as I'm concerned the more taboo the better. Nothing would make me ponder racial equality more than gazing upon Nelson Mandela's stoic face sailing the high seas of the stratosphere, accompanied by a trail of bows leading him back down to earth, on a warm spring day. Or perhaps, the visage of Hitler, entrapped inside of a box kite with Star's of David emblazoned on the outer layer of the box kite. Kites have always served as a great form of self expression. The colors for instance. Most kites display the entire spectrum of colors thus giving way to the obvious rainbow flag of gay right's activists. Other kites take the form of fighter jets attacking their fellow kites in the eternal struggle of the bourgeoisie versus the proliteriate.

People tend to forget about kites. When you go to the park you remember to bring a pic-nic basket, a dog (if you have one) a ball (of some sort) and perhaps a fishing pole or frisbee. But, what about the kite? Well, if you would like to make a bold new statement via kite, be on the look out for innappropriatekites.com!

Snakes on a Tire

So, I went to Discount Tires today to get my tires fixed. They had nails and screws in them, apparently. But, that was not the odd part of my little outing. While discussing my tire woes with a Discount Tire sales associate, I noticed another customer standing in line with a baby boa constrictor wrapped around his heavily tattooed arm. At first glance, I envisioned this assailant holding up the Discount Tire at snake point but then I quickly realized that was foolish and that this man with a reptile was simply in need of some tire assistance. My salesman was so flabergasted by this occurrence that he openly laughed at the snake man right in his unassuming face. My sales associate wasn't being rude because he didn't have time to even think about being rude. He was in shock and just reacted on raw adrenaline. He later confessed to me that he is terrified of snakes.

I have absolutely no idea why anyone would consciously bring a pet snake with them to a tire shop or any place, other than a vet or the set of an Indiana Jones movie. However, this got me to thinking. Are there leash laws for snakes like there are for dogs? If a snake bites a pedestrian does that snake have to wear a tiny snake muzzle when out and about with its person? Is a snake owner forced by law to pick up the snake poop that it leaves at city parks? Can I have my snake neutered? Can I have a seeing-eye-snake? The questions still remain but I'm happy that I wasn't robbed at snake point in a Discount Tires.

How to Win at the Olympics

Bi-athelon: This winter sport consists of cross-country skiing and sharp shooting. This is an ideal game for KGB opperatives working in sub-zero conditions who are hunting down James Bond. This sport is basically a race to see who finishes with the best time while making it to certain check points to shoot your rifle at unsuspecting Olympic fans. These Olympians race while their rifles are slung around their backside, like 5th graders with Power Ranger backpacks, except these backside parcels are far more dangerous than the red ranger. It is painfully obvious how one could easily win this race: Shoot the skier in front of you...instant gold medal and KGB consideration.

Men's Half-Pipe:Be Shaun White

Skeleton: This is basically the same as the luge except you are now racing around an ice-track at 90mph head first instead of feet first. First of all, if you participate in this death race you are stupid and clearly want to die. Second of all, you are also a sick freak because you have invited your friends and family to this event and now they are going to watch you slam head first into an NBC camera-man, killing yourself and probably the camera-man too. How to win this race: Don't be in this race. If you are in it you are going to die and medals can't be awarded to dead people. End of story.

Curling: I know that it has been said before, "Why is this a sport?" Curling might be the wisest winter sport of all because it does not include an element of death. You could die in literally any one of the varied sports at the winter olympics except for curling. Why do people make fun of this? The summer olympics contain no death elements i.e. swimming in a straight line, running in a straight line, throwing something in a straight line and jumping in a straight line. Yet, for some reason, the summer olympics are far more popular than the winter olympics. Nothing is more entertaining than watching someone who could die at any moment. Yeah, it's macabre but let's face it, that's why we watch! Curlers are smart because they do not want to die, and I don't blame them. How to win a curling match: Add a death element like covering your curling stone in medieval spikes or using giant razor blades attached to the broom handle instead of actual brooms. Heck, I'd watch that!