Genocide WILL get you out of school

The Christian religion has about as many permutations as Yankee Candle has scents. Oh, and by the way, Yankee Candle, "Moon Light" is not a scent. One, because I cannot smell reflected light and two, I'm sure that the moon does not, in fact, emit a scent. But, then again I am no scientist. I'm sure Yankee Candle employs lots of scientists...and doctors.

But, like I was saying, Christianity has a plethora of theologies. Many Christians believe that God has pre-planned the entire universe and that every thing happens according to His omnipotent will. I don't buy this and I'll tell you why, in the form of a parable, since we are getting all Biblical here anyways.

I had a student come into my office the other day and upon entering she proclaimed, "I'm sooo excited!". Me, "Really? What brings on this excitement?". Student, "Tomorrow I'm going on a field trip!". Me, "Really? Where too?". Student, "To the Holocaust museum!". Me, (look of terror and confusion). Once my mind rebooted, I asked why on earth she would be excited about such a thing? "Well", she said, "I don't really care what we do as long as it gets me out of school for the day."

I always wondered why, if God had pre-planned everything, He would put people like Hitler, Stalin and Mussolini in power? But it is crystal clear now. He really just wanted 12-year-old American kids to get out of school to learn about the Holocaust.

It is literally retarded that I have to put disclaimers on here but here we go.
This blog is satire! It reeeeeeks of sarcasm you idiots!!

When I grow up...

...I want to be a professional comedian. Not because I think that I'm that funny, even though I am clearly hilarious, but because I am a horrible person. I like to say things that are horribly offensive; preferably to your face. But, society frowns on this. Don't get me wrong. Comedians can say just about anything and they still get plenty of hate mail about it and sometimes they are censored on TV or, heck, even banned from certain shows or clubs. But, they still get away with it and they still get paid. I have a lot of horrible thoughts and I need to start getting paid for them!

Ex. of horrible joke: "I hope they cremate Whitney Houston's body because that would reduce her body to it's most pure form. 90% cocaine and 10% crazy. Now that's something people would pay good money to snort."

Too soon? or Not soon enough?

Now, I just need to sit back and let the royalty checks and hate mail roooooll in!

Pure Bred Dogs

In the year 3021 mankind makes it's first contact with alien life. Much like a Steven Spielberg film we are unable to communicate with this extraterrestrial species and,unlike the film, not even with the aid of music can we converse with these heavenly beings.

Mankind is no stranger to vanity. We lance our faces with metal and plastic, fill our breasts with silicon and we break the bones of our skulls in order to reshape it into something considered 'beautiful' by the masses. So, therefore, who are we to judge the bizarre cosmetic fetishes of these outlanders?

These collectors of homo sapiens soon decided who they desired and who would become genetic outcasts. They did not desire, what we would consider to be 'purebred' but rather those with certain ailments; disfigurements you might say.

For instance, they bred mountain peoples for their running capability, but failed to realize that such high levels of testosterone would become problematic to the female portion of that society. Soon, the females became incapable of reproduction and the women had to be artificially inseminated and pumped full of hormones, in order to keep up with the demand for mountain humans. The people of the hills don't usually suffer from such ailments but our space brothers have bred them to become the inferior humans that they are today.

Our space invaders also had a certain fascination with tiny humans, for their children to play with. Normally, these humans would be considered Dwarfs, a medical condition that can make life very difficult. But, the aliens insisted that people be bred with dwarfism, in their genetic coding. Unfortunately, most of these dwarfs don't make it past the age of 30, because of their intergalactic breeding.

Most of the 'outcast' human society abhors this alien behavior but for others it is a sign of 'good breeding' and a sign of excellent social standing within the alien community.

I cannot judge these travelers for their deeds because I have been told that the human race has treated those, that we felt were 'beneath' us, no better than we are being treated today.

I saw a small dog on the road the other day. It was grey, had a beard and almost no tail to speak of. A passer by told me that such a breed has never truly existed in nature but was a creation of mankind and it is a miracle that that breed is still alive today. I wonder if that mustacheod hound wonders what I was thinking when I cut off its tail?

-This has been a work of fiction-

Crime Doesn't Sleep...ever?

When I was a kid Wal-Mart was not a 24 hour store. Well, a few of them were but they were the 'ghetto' ones that you didn't bring your family to. Something about staying open after the hour of 10pm will turn your store into a crime scene...or a pumpkin. This isn't just Wal-Marts either. This rule also applies to Seven-Elevens, McDonald's parking lots and adult video stores. Bars need not apply because there is alcohol involved, which can turn anyone 'ghetto' at any hour of the day...trust me; I'm an unemployed, childless housewife who loves red wine. It's five o'clock somewhere right? Anyways, I just don't understand this? It's like only people who should be on the TV show Maury shop after hours? Doctors work odd hours of the night too and so do pilots and community college adjucnt professors. All reputable professions although the jury is still out on the latter. Don't these upstanding citizens require a 50 piece chicken mcnugget from McDonald's at 1 in the morning after a long shift? Or, what about buying NASCAR themed twin-bed sheets at 3am just because you can? And, let's be honest here, everybody watches porn. That's right, your doctor watches porn; your Southwest airlines pilot watches porn (hopefully, not while on duty)and some community college professors show things to their class that is far more disturbing than porn.

Maybe all these people have assistants that go to after-hours stores for them so that we (the ghetto people) never see them outside of their professions. Or maybe the real 'go-getters' of society are criminals. Working till the wee hours of the morning; honing their craft. I mean, those drugs aren't going to sell themselves now are they? Either way, I am going to continue shopping at Wal-Mart and getting gas at 2 am and not because I'm 'ghetto' but because I am a go-getter! Someone has to show all those Doctors and police officers what 'real' dedication to a craft is.

Of all the dangerous places that I have been to in this world, South Africa, Mexico, Honduras, Brazil, Bosnia, Jamaica; the only place that I have ever actually witnessed a shooting was in Texas at a gas station at 2:30 in the morning.

Popetarts

So, I thought I had a totally original idea and to a certain extent I do. No one has yet to actually "make" PopeTarts but there are some images that people have made. My PopeTarts, however, would be in the shape of the Pope's hat, scepter and Pope mobile. They would have to be heated in a toaster oven because they might not fit in a traditional toaster. They go great with holy water or mother's milk. They are especially delicious after a confessional. I think I should pitch this idea to the local archdioses.

Don't have time for breakfast? No problem. Popetarts! Don't have time to pray? Popetarts to the spiritual and nutritional rescue!

"They're religious and nutritious!"

Ballistically Sound

"Built to Take a Beating"
Gear up, shielded with a KEVLAR® strong backplate. Suppress an onslaught of scratches and scrapes, reinforced by Corning® Gorilla® Glass. Take whatever the world throws at you and throw it right back. Almost nothing brings this mobile juggernaut down.

This is the description from Verizon's website about their new Droid Razor Phone. But I still have a few questions.

Am I going into war-torn Iraq? Or am I on a ship bound for the rogue state of Somalia? If I am not going to any of these gang states then why does my phone need ballistic stats? I'm pretty sure no one will be shooting a Kalashnikov at my phone any time soon. So please, Verizon, can you lower the price of your stupid phones by taking away the preposterous Kevlar armor? Also, your new Droid phone looks like HAL from 2001:A Space Odyssey, which frightens me.

Panda-emic?

Pandas. Quite possibly the stupidest creature on earth. Why? They choose not to procreate, they don't move and they only eat bamboo which offers them no nutritional value whatsoever. These are all choices the panda makes on its own. People. Might be more stupid than pandas. Why? We choose to procreate and then immediately kill the fetus while in utero. We(Americans) don't move...except for our fingertips which are busy texting things like, "OMG can't wait to si SAW CLXVIV tonight! LOOOOOOOLZZZZ!!!". We also choose to eat Panda Express (coincidence? I think not!) which offers us no nutritional value whatsoever. We make all these decisions on our own.

The only thing that separates us from pandas is our ball size. Clearly, we have huge balls because it takes a pretty big set to study pandas, not see the similarities and try to keep this useless beast, or as I like to call them Snookis of the animal kingdom, from extinction. Huge balls. It's the only thing seperating us from the pandas. Want proof? Humans have one of the largest ball to body ratios of all mammals. That is a fact.

But pandas are soooo cute so we need to save them? Nope. Dolphins are adorable AND they're go-getters! Jumpin' thru hoops for our amusement, saving salty sailors from evil sirens, stars of kitchy 1970's era television shows, killing sharks on the Discovery channel. Those guys are non-stop! I bet they have huuuuge balls.