Wednesday, November 9, 2011


Pandas. Quite possibly the stupidest creature on earth. Why? They choose not to procreate, they don't move and they only eat bamboo which offers them no nutritional value whatsoever. These are all choices the panda makes on its own. People. Might be more stupid than pandas. Why? We choose to procreate and then immediately kill the fetus while in utero. We(Americans) don't move...except for our fingertips which are busy texting things like, "OMG can't wait to si SAW CLXVIV tonight! LOOOOOOOLZZZZ!!!". We also choose to eat Panda Express (coincidence? I think not!) which offers us no nutritional value whatsoever. We make all these decisions on our own.

The only thing that separates us from pandas is our ball size. Clearly, we have huge balls because it takes a pretty big set to study pandas, not see the similarities and try to keep this useless beast, or as I like to call them Snookis of the animal kingdom, from extinction. Huge balls. It's the only thing seperating us from the pandas. Want proof? Humans have one of the largest ball to body ratios of all mammals. That is a fact.

But pandas are soooo cute so we need to save them? Nope. Dolphins are adorable AND they're go-getters! Jumpin' thru hoops for our amusement, saving salty sailors from evil sirens, stars of kitchy 1970's era television shows, killing sharks on the Discovery channel. Those guys are non-stop! I bet they have huuuuge balls.

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