The Meme of Dr. Moreau

Recently, I was inspired by llamacorn to make a more insidious chimera of my own design. Meet camelsus, part pegasus, part camel and 100% awful. He flies thru the air groaning like a Kirstie Alley in heat and spitting on everything in sight from high in the sky. 

Notice how shitty this image looks. I own Photoshop but my computer has so much crap on it that if I were to actually upload Photoshop the laptop might explode. Therefore, I had to use an image hosting site to create this blasphemy. You're welcome internet. I think Dr. Moreau would be proud of both camelsus and llamacorn but I'm sure that PETA would have complaints about both mythical beasts. Just let me play God!!! I want my camelsus!!!!

If you could play God, Shiva, Allah, Christ, the Goat God Pan...it's your choice of deity here, what abomination would you create and why?

That's After My Time

Sometimes people...young people will make a statement in reference to pop culture that they are unfamiliar with. The statement goes as such, "I've never heard that (song), it was before my time."

I recently found out that I am old because I just used the term "young people" in a sentence...get off my lawn you hooligans!!! Sorry, got distracted. Old person problem.

Anyways, as I was saying, this broad statement is incredibly annoying. It means one of two things: 1 you are uneducated or 2: You simple don't know every song ever created by man because there are MILLIONS of them. You would have to be a sparkling vampire to even scratch the surface of pop culture in America and it is OK to admit that you simply don't know something AND that you are mortal and NOT a sparkly vampire.

Telling people that something is "before your time" therefore, you have no clue about the subject, makes no sense.

Here are some examples of things/people that were "before MY time" and yet, I am still well aware of their existence.

1: The Beatles
2: The Rolling Stones
3: KISS
4: George Washington
5: Dallas (the TV show)
6: The Louisiana Purchase
7: Captain Kangaroo
8: Disco
9: Atari game systems
10: Bob Dylan

Listen (or read) how stupid this sentence sounds, "The Louisiana Purchase? I don't know, I guess that was just before my time." Stupid, that sounds really stupid. This (young) person should have said, "Hmm, I am unfamiliar with that part of American history." Not stupid, that sounds really not stupid. (However, that last sentence was EXTREMELY stupid).

So many things were before my time, some things are during my time and an infinite amount of things will be after my time.

Salmonella Be Damned, I'm Eating Chick-Fil-A

People always ask me what they can send to me that we don't have here in Italy. The answer is always the same, a teleportation device so that I can teleport Chick-Fil-A straight to my tum tums. With the new service of Amazon Prime I can order almost anything that I would want from America to Italy except for all of my white trash staple foods such as: Long John Silvers, Chick-Fil-A, Cracker Barrell, Church's Chicken and Dairy Queen.

I have written about my husband's amazing attributes before (in Trophy Husband) but a few months ago he really out did himself. He did what others said was impossible. He laughed in the face of UPS, Amazon and the U.S. Postal Service. He tested the very limits of airport security and the TSA. Similar to the smuggling capabilities of Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon, he brought Chick-Fil-A to Europe! He didn't even need Chewbaca's help to fend off tie fighters and the galactic empire.

My husband recently took a trip to Florida and on the last leg of his trip he noticed, glistening like the Emerald City of Oz, a Chick-Fil-A in the Jacksonville airport. He then proceeded to purchase two spicy chicken sandwiches and two regular chicken sandwiches for a grand total of four sandwiches. In retrospect, he should have paid for a checked bag and filled it with sweet, tasty nugs...another time, perhaps.

I received these heavenly, southern delights about 15 hours later and slightly crushed from being smashed into his backpack. Also, his backpack smells AMAZING. I put the chicken in the fridge to chill over night, in an attempt to kill any bacteria that most certainly started to thrive in the dark enclosure of that carry-on.

To my surprise, I did not die of salmonella or any other food borne bacteria. In fact, I thrived! I don't know when I will ever have Chick-Fil-A again but for now I have the crispy, greasy memories of sandwiches long gone.

If you find another way of getting me Chick-Fil-A or any other white trash food item please let me know. Hopefully it will be a way that does not include a $1,200 plane ticket or a delicate dance with food borne illness.

Avengers: Age of Hearing Loss

In this movie review you will NOT learn about character development, story arcs, plot lines or general cinematography in any way. You WILL learn about my on-going tinnitus, robot armies and my objectification of men. Don't worry there are no spoilers, if you have not already seen this film, because I couldn't tell you about any spoilers because I do not know what actually happened in this movie (or 'Talkie', as I call most modern movies).

Just saw Avengers: Age of Ultron at the theatre yesterday and I have no clue what took place in this film. (See, I told you) The action scenes (i.e. the whole movie) were so loud and overwhelming that when it came to the sparse yet very important dialogue the viewer was left completely deaf. It was like watching an episode of the Peanuts during scenes in which the teacher would talk and it sounded like muffled nonsense. When my friends and I left the theatre I asked them what they thought about the movie. My friend Ashley replied, "I don't really know what happened because I couldn't make out what the characters were saying to each other. I just kept thinking, 'didn't Will Smith already kill all these guys?'. That's how lost I was.".

In retrospect, when you have a cast of men who look like Thor, Captain America and Iron Man...the words really just get in the way...of the muscles. Perhaps we should bring back the 'silent film'. Shh, don't talk, just flex.

"As Seen on this Blog"

As you may or may not know, I have a love/hate relationship with companies like Pampered Chef and Bed, Bath and Beyond. These businesses are constantly trying to sell things to the consumer that are both arbitrary and redundant. I try to live a minimalist life style; therefore, I don't need my kitchen to be bogged down by garlic presses, citrus juicers and apple corers. I do own a knife and a set of "hands" (patent pending) that have been working pretty well for the majority of my simple life.

However, I would love to own a machine that can shred chicken. Despite the fact that I own both a fork and a set of "hands" (patent pending), I just effing hate shredding chicken. If a recipe calls for shredded chicken I will usually cube the meat or just not make that stupid dish. Sadly, the majority of Mexican food calls for some kind of shredded meat and even sadder, I love Mexican food. So, you see my dilemma.

Things I hate include:

Hitler
Cats
Satan
Navient Loans
War
HGTV
Shredding Chicken

Can you put a chicken breast thru a paper shredder? Or maybe, a wood chipper would work better? I will be sending these questions off to my Research and Development (R&D) department. Product testing and consumer polling will take place shortly after the R&D phase. Be on the look out for the "Shredder" thru "As Seen on this Blog" not "As Seen on TV"...those people make garlic presses, and possibly war...but, definitely garlic presses.

The Pampered Dude

Origami Owl
31
Pampered Chef
Passion Parties

Why are there no mail order parties for guys? I think I know why and the reason is this photo. This is why I am not invited to things...because I am a "bro". I think my new necklace is probably violating Origami Owl's (terms and conditions) and probably some State and Federal obscenity laws.

I blame the person who gave me the power to write my OWN "inscriptions". I am sure that fashion designer has now learned his/her lesson.

What wonderful obscenities would you inscribe on personalized jewelry and handbags?

Girl, That's a Weave (Doo or Dye)

During the baroque period, the wealthier peoples of western Europe wore wigs to disguise their unkempt hair. It seems silly in retrospect but only because the wigs were fashioned in the styles and tastes of the day. Ringlet curls were all the rage in Germany in the 1600's and even men wore long curly and very fake locks. Today there are three main groups of people who still wear wigs and even for these people the practice isn't really socially acceptable. Cancer patients wear wigs. Cancer patients need wigs but the new trend is to be proud no matter your circumstances and to not be ashamed of a disease that no one chooses for themselves. This is great. Older men wear wigs or toupees. People like Donald Trump can get away with the massive comb over but most other 'baldies' choose the toupee and again, most modern men simply go au natural. Bald is beautiful. Lastly, many African American women wear wigs or 'weaves'. These women choose to wear wigs for ease of styling. The natural fro is still my favorite hair style.

I for one am sick and tired of styling my freaking hair. If it was socially acceptable in our American culture for women to be bald I would be bald but for now I don't want people to think that I am a cancer patient 'poser'. That would be bad. I hate burning my hair with an IRON at temperatures reaching 500 degrees Fahrenheit, twisting my hair around an equally hot curling iron and then scorching my ears off and lastly spraying my newly styled quaff with a can of toxic fumes. Half my day is spent grooming my damn hair. Hours I could have spent more productively like watching E! News, making brownies that I will soon regret after I consume the entire tray of confections and trolling Facebook to mock those who didn't DO their hair!

Don't even get me started on how expensive it is to go to the salon. I haven't been to a salon, for my hair, in about a year. Although, I can understand why a women's haircut is $50 because doing anything to anyone's hair is freaking awful. I don't understand women who love to braid their friends hair, comb their hair, style their hair. You would have to pay me sooo much money to do that. Let's not even broach the subject of "men's haircuts" and why they are 1/4 the price of a simple women's hair cut....being a woman is expensive and often times in just.

I think that I will just start wearing wigs on my lazy days (aka everyday) and see if anyone notices. If they do, I will explain to them that I am just being retro...like, really retro, like 1600's Germany retro. Auf Wiedersehen bitches!