Thursday, October 16, 2014

Children of the Candy Corn

Halloween is wasted on the young, like so many things in life. Children cannot truly appreciate this terrifying, pseudo-religious, sugary sweet, holiday. Kids can dress up, of course, but do they get to dress, "slutty" or covered in blood?! NO. They have lame costumes like little princesses and spider man. BORING. Kids are lame. Let's face it. They can't wear cool costumes, they can't stay up past 9 p.m., they certainly can't get krunk on witches brew, they can't even watch scary movies and to top it all off, their moms control their candy intake. 

It's about time adults take back Halloween. I have lived through elementary school, middle school, high school and even college. Did I learn anything? NO. The point is, that I had to suffer a childhood. I came out the other side as an adult. If I wanna dress as a slutty Incredible Hulk, well then, dammit that's what I'm gonna wear! No one can make me go to bed! Except for the 5 Xanax that I just ingested! No one can take away my rated-R horror movies! Except for Netflix, because I forgot to pay my bill. No one can take away my candy! Except for my husband because he says too much sugar turns me into a super She-Hulk but what does he know?! No one can take away my witches brew! Except for the police...they said it caused a "Disturbance" last year. I've got your "Disturbance" right here, officer! No, no I don't. I apologize, officer.

This year, as I turn 30 years old, I will reflect on Halloweens long past. I will remember the all night long horror movie marathons, the candy induced hallucinations, getting so krunk that I turned Hulk then Bruce Banner and then Hulk AGAIN. I will recall covering my neighbors' homes with toilet paper for no apparent reason, watching someone dressed as Sarah Palin make-out with the entire band KISS, seeing a grown man shave his legs so that he would be a "more convincing Margaret Thatcher". Halloween is a truly magical holiday and I look forward to the next 30 years of mischief, guys in drag, krunktastic witches brew, terrible horror movies and candy...oh, the candy.  

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