Sunday, February 22, 2015
Ghost in the Headphones
All of my sound gear is haunted by a deaf old man. I think I have a poltergeist with a busted ear drum. My iPod needs an exorcism. Let me explain. When I turn on my iPod, plug in the head phones and choose music to listen to, while running, the default volume on the device is always at a full deafening blast; so loud in fact, that I have to rip the ear buds out of my ears and I start screaming like an insane person. This is what I look like while running, by the way, an insane person screaming at an unseen group of Jackson 5s to just shut the F up. What I don't understand is the fact the iPod has saved all previous data from its last use. For example, when I turn on the machine it will start playing right where it was shut off from the previous use, so if I was listening to Ghostland Observatory and then switched off the player then the next time I turn the player on it will pick right back up again with Ghostland Observatory EXCEPT at FULL BLAST even though I left it at a normal volume and I have even MUTED it and turned the iPod back on only to suffer from an intense sonic shock wave.
I think the only logical explanation is that I have a ghost in the machine situation at play here. I can't sprinkle holy water on my iPod for obvious reasons. I can't call a priest because he will try to hit my iPod with a Bible and that will probably break it. I am in a real jam here people which reminds me of a terrible joke I once heard, "What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock into your wife's mouth!" That was awful and I apologize. Deafening sound blasts are also awful so I might have to just buy a new "spirit free" iPod because my current device has given me pretty terrible tinnitus. Maybe those guys at the "Genius Bar" are actually shamans ready to exorcise all of our broken/haunted Apple devices.