Sunday, July 12, 2015

You Had One Job

Have you ever been insulted in such a way as to instill an emotion of deep hatred and resentment towards your condescending accuser? If you have, you are not the only one. So many of us have felt the ire of being told how to reheat pop tarts by the box of pop tarts, itself. The humiliation of the phrase, "Contents may be hot" and my personal favorite, "results may vary". I never knew that "results varied"? I thought that if I died my hair with $4 Revlon semi-permanent, hair dye that I would look EXACTLY like the super model on the box! Where are my sun-kissed highlights? The haunting low-lights? A perfectly quaffed blow out and bleached teeth?! WHERE ARE YOU!!!! Apparently, my 'results varied'. They varied off into a world, much realer than the photo-shopped box would have lead me to believe. 

I have often wondered, who needs these patronizing instructions in their day to day lives? Today that query has been answered! In the above photo, you will notice that the gentleman/woman who was in charge of "Display Management" was a little unsure about how to hang t-shirts properly. To be fair and just we must first realize that this person already had a pretty trying day before heading off to their retail job this morning. First, this human burned the sin out of some strawberry pop tarts. After he/she put out the ensuing toaster oven fire he/she realized that their hair had been processing for FAR too long. They had flames to squelch at the time so the new doo was not a top priority thus leaving our hero with bleached eyebrows and several chemically-burned bald spots. Finally, this register jockey is off to work but not before picking up a cup of steaming hot Joe! Good thing the lid to the coffee was tightly secured! That could have been a disaster! This salesperson just couldn't get their head in the game today but it's ok. He makes me feel important, beautiful and intelligent. How would I know if I was smart or not when I have nothing to compare myself to? 

People need to know that it could be worse. You could be ugly(ier), fat(ter) and dumb(er). I am here to tell you that you are beautiful, you are important and you know how to hang t-shirts like a pro. 

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