Sunday, March 6, 2016

Me Vs. Evil Dead

Do you know how I know that I am truly evil? Scars bitches. I have a very noticeable/distinct scar right below my neck. As a kid, I absolutely hated it. To be truthful, I still hate it and anyone who says, "love your flaws" is a two-timing liar who also, doesn't have any REAL flaws. But, getting back to how I know I'm evil. As mentioned, I have a scar but that's not the total story. This, bitches, is where the plot thickens....I have NO CLUE as to how I got this mark!!!! To answer your questions, no I did not black out on a drug induced bender, no I did not wrestle a mighty bear in the Smokey Mountains and no, it's not an 'old 'Nam wound' (I think I may have perpetuated that last myth myself).

Literally, no clue, it just showed up one day around age 8. My mom even took me to the dermatologist because we were afraid it might be some sort of cancer.Total Recall was in the box office, at the time, and we needed to be absolutely POSITIVE that I was not going to, one day, sprout a tiny parasitic twin. The doctor reassured us that it was just normal scar tissue (no parasitic twin was found, dammit) and that there were no viable options to get rid of it. At the time, no one believed my story of total ignorance because I was just a kid...or DAMIAN?! To this day, I have no recollection of what happened to me to deserve such an eternal branding. Apparently, I am not alone either. Recent medical studies have found others with my same story or lack of origin story. I call these people "Fellow Bitches".

In some ways I am grateful, if it wasn't for this twisted deformity, I might not have evolved into the spiteful bitch you see here today. I might have grown up loving the color pink, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, cheer leading and should I even say the words??? BARBIE DOLLS. Those last words actually caused a sharp pain in my scar.

To sum up: Good guys don't have scars, bad guys have scars. Unless, you are Harry Potter but even that famous blemish was still the mark of evil. Just like Ash from Evil Dead, my scar isn't going anywhere and Ash will never get his hand back. These pieces of our bodies belong to the dark lord. Luckily, my evil only manifests itself in snide comments and shenanigans....for now.

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