Monday, March 28, 2016


In this day and age you can order a pizza online, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, someone in between or you can order spiderman underoos or more unnecessary fruit shaped containers, as if, bananas didn't already come inside of a divinely inspired natural container of its own. So naturally, you can also do your taxes online. However, choosing an online tax filing service can be confusing and challenging. Hopefully, I can shed some light on this complicated process.

First, ask yourself, "Do I want to 'slay' my taxes?" If you answered, "yes" then you should choose Once you have logged onto the TaxSlayer website you will be asked a series of questions but the most important question is, "Where do you live?". Your address will allow the mystical guild of to send you a live fire-breathing dragon to the comfort of your own home. Please have your physical paper W-2 on hand so that the dragon knows exactly what he needs to slay. This giant lizard will incinerate your taxes and then you have the honor of 'slaying' the beast. It's a win win situation, really. Also, the sword that you use to kill this animal is also a tax write-off.

Would you like to file your taxes post haste? If you answered, "yes" to this question then TurboTax will be your best bet. The financial experts at include such famous names as The Flash, Usain Bolt, Hermes the Messenger God, Speed Racer and Speedy Gonzalez. I cannot attest to just how "accurate" your taxes will be filed but they will be completed in less time than the average celebrity marriage lasts...(That's 3.3 seconds for all you math nerds out there).

Lastly, if you would like to file your income taxes online then you could also use E-File. But why would you? E-File, E-File? No shit Sherlock, you can file electronically. I need a more badass name to obliterate my taxes with. Can we just take a moment here to rename this horrible domain? Let's keep the 'E' but what if it stood for 'Eviscerate'? Yes, yes I would like to eviscerate my taxes. The 'E' could also be in reference to the word 'Extinguish' because we would all like to extinguish the nightmare of our on-going poverty. I think 'Erase' might be my favorite because to be Frank (I'd prefer to be Chris but whatever) the government really doesn't need to know that I even 'Exist'. Because, at the end of the day I think that we would all like to be tax-'Exempt'.

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