Friday, June 17, 2016

Weirdly Specific Tarot Cards

Tarot cards are designed to be incredibly vague so that if you have any kind of imagination you can make the reading of the cards somehow about you and your life, past, present and future.

I want to create a deck of tarot cards that are alarmingly specific along with updated vernacular speech. Granted, these won't work on hardly anyone but when they do...

Here are some examples

13: Death
"Girl, delete that old MySpace account. Seriously, kill it and any other outdated social media platforms that you had an account with. These are bad omens and only cause pain, misery and external judgment from others. Herald in the new day and halt the old before the past consumes you.

16:The Tower
"You are too concerned with the lives and gossip of others. Focus on yourself and your immediate goals. Do not isolate yourself. These are your tendencies. If you don't heed this warning you will end up just like that kid in GoT, peeping on that queen in the TOWER boning her brother and then you will be a paraplegic but also can see the future?"

2:The High Priestess
"There are some uppity-ass bitches in your life, Wanda! Excommunicate these whores from your life. You will thank me later, Wanda"

10:Wheel of Fortune
"A series of emojis will go here"

6:The Lovers
"Stay single and your pockets will jingle."

9:The Hermit
"When Netflix asks, 'Are you still watching?' it's because Netflix is afraid that you might be dead. Someone should really alert the authorities, at this point. Rather, you have become a hermit and are incapable of leaving your hobbit hole which contains many leather bound books (Which you don't read) and Netflix."

"Collect all the wands, pass GO and then you win at Tarot! Isn't that how this game works?"


  1. Sweetheart, if you dont yet know, Tarot cards are the beginning stages of 'occult' (which means HIDDEN + EYE, thus, the American dollar bill which has the power hungry elite at the toppa the pyramid, not the All-Seeing-Eye of God but Lucifer). Lemme show you the Way Upstairs...

    Dunno if you RITE, yet, lemme fill-you-up withe efficacious epiphany, the avant-gardeness and necessary wisdom to achieve Seventh-Heaven, dear, if ya desire Seventh-Heaven...

    If 'freedom lies in being bold' (Robert Frost), doesn't pushing-the-envelope also result in the Elysian Fields of Utopia? If I'm the sower, we plant the Seed; if I'm an artist, we RITE the symphonies heard Upstairs ☆IF☆ we accept His lead withe orchestra...

    Wanna find-out the fax, Jak, in a wurld fulla the 'power of cowards'? Wanna wiseabove to help a 'Plethora Of Wurdz' [POW!] which are look'n for a new home in thy novelty?? Yay!

    Q: But [gulp] can anyone tell me the difference between K2/IQ? A: Nthn. In Heaven, we gitt'm both for eternity HA! Need a few more thots, ideers, wild wurdz (whoa, Nelly! easy, girl!) or ironclad iconoclasms?

    VERBUM SAT SAPIENTI (Latin: words to [the] wise): As an ex-writer of the sassy, savvy, schizophenia we all go thro in this lifelong demise, I just wanna help U.S. git past the ping-pong-politixx, the whorizontal more!ass! we're in and wiseabove to 'in fin sine fin' (Latin: in [the] End without End -Saint Augustine).

    "This finite existence is only a test, son," God Almighty told me in my coma. "Far beyond thy earthly tempest is where you'll find tangible, corpulent eloquence". Lemme tella youse without d'New Joisey accent...

    I actually saw Seventh-Heaven when we died: you couldn't GET!! any moe curly, party-hardy-endorphins, low-hanging-fruit of the Celestial Paradise, extravagantly-surplus-lush Upstairs (awww! baby kitties, too!!) when my o-so-beautifull, brilliant, bombastic girly passed-away due to those wry, sardonic satires...

    "Those who are wise will shine as brightly as the expanse of the Heavens, and those who have instructed many in uprightousness as bright as stars for all eternity" -Daniel 12:3, NJB

    Here's also what the prolific, exquisite GODy sed: 'the more you shall honor Me, the more I shall bless you' -the Infant Jesus of Prague.

    Go gitt'm, girly. You're incredible. You're indelible. Cya Upstairs. I won't be joining'm in the nasty Abyss where Isis prowls
    PS Need summore unique, uncivilized, useless names?? Lemme gonna gitcha started, brudda:

    Oak Woods, Franky Sparks, Athena Noble, Autumn Rose, Faith Bishop, Dolly Martin, Willow Rhodes, Cocoa Major, Roman Stone, Bullwark Burnhart, Magnus Wilde, Kardiak Arrest, Will Wright, Goldy Silvers, Penelope Summers, Sophie Sharp, Violet Snow, Lizzy Roach, BoxxaRoxx, Aunty Dotey, Romero Stark, Zacharia Neptoon, Mercurio Morrissey, Fritz & Felix Franz, Victor Payne, Isabella Silverstein, Mercedes Kennedy, Redd Rust, Phoenix Martini, Ivy Squire, Sauer Wolfe, Yankee Cooky, blessed b9... (or mixNmatch)

    God blessa youse
    -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL

  2. I plan to go through every single post. I like #7. Btw do you think ^this person could give me a tl;dr on their comment?

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