Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Taste the Rainbow, Bitch


Have you noticed that everyone you know or love has become some kind of specialist or expert on health/fitness and just life in general with absolutely NO credentials? I cannot leave my home or enter the information superhighway without being blasted with, "Sodas are bad for you!", "They contain a BILLION packets of sugar!!!"."You eat pre-packeged, manufactured foods?!! Oh my GOD, do you want to DIE?!!!!".  Let me explain a fun way of dealing with these people.

Years ago, I had a good friend who LOVED it when telemarketers would call the house. He would answer the phone and the telemarketer would launch into the incredible opportunity that awaited this random home owner. My friend would immediately reply, "WOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! THIS IS AMAZING!!! YOU CHOSE ME!!! SHARON GET IN HERE! *click*. Mid sentence and through the excitement, he would hang up on the telemarketer. This process was a joy to watch and has helped me deal with stupidity throughout my life. It's very easy to get angry at things like this, but ultimately you can't stop stupidity or annoyances so, why not have fun with it?

Now, telling me that sodas are bad for you is akin to informing me about the dangers of smoking. It is not a mystery that smoking is terrible for you. I see people smoking everyday and feel no need to inform them of the risks involved with smoking. These smokers are adults and are making an informed adult decision. So, when someone 'enlightens' me about the sugar content of sodas, I reply thusly, "WHAT?! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!!! NO ONE HAS EVER TOLD ME THIS BEFORE IN MY LIFE!!!! HOW LONG HAVE WE KNOWN?!!! DO OTHERS KNOW ABOUT THIS EPIDEMIC?!!!!!" Then, I slowly and calmly just fade away into the dark like Batman.

Here is another example. Buzz Kill: "How can you put processed foods into your body?" Me: "YOU TOLD ME TO MAKE MY DIET MORE COLORFUL SO NOW I ONLY EAT SKITTLES AND CHEETOS!!!! TASTE THE RAINBOW BITCH."

I hope this has helped. Now get out there and let's have some good old-fashioned fun! How do you deal with these Buzz Kills? I am open to new techniques.

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