Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Never Ending Needs to End


I am literally insulted by the Never Ending ploy that most restaurants use to suck in the morbidly obese. Not because it's making America fat; we can do that on our own but because it's making us broke.

IHOP often offers never ending pancakes. These bottomless confections will run you about $7 to $8. Now, consider the fact that an entire box of pancake mix (the kind in which all you have to add is water) costs between $1 and $2 and heck I can't even eat an entire box of pancakes. That's like 50 pancakes?! And you, IHOP, have the audacity to charge me up to $8 for oh I don't know, about 4 pancakes. Because that's all I'm capable of consuming. Heck I'm not even allowed to order more to go or get any of the specialty cakes that I can't make at home?! Balderdash I say!

Next on the chopping block is Olive Garden. Keep in mind this is my favorite restaurant and YES I have been to Italy. This either speaks to how trashy I am or the mind control device that Olive Garden has implanted in my brain. Either way. Olive Garden (OG) offers never ending pasta once a year around August. This pasta does not include meat, that is extra. Never ending pasta costs about $12 not including tip. Once again an entire box of pasta (almost any cut) will run you about $1 a jar of sauce will cost about $3 now I'm no mathematician but that is considerably less than what Olive Garden charges and also I CAN'T EAT THAT MUCH F*CKING FOOD! Whew, that got intense.

Ok, I'm back and a little calmer now. Red Robin also offers bottomless steak fries with any burger. Keep in mind the average burger costs $12 there. I could go to McDonald's and get a whole meal, including drink for like $5 or $6 and yeah it's really not that different. It's a burger people...it's. a. burger.

Last on the chopping block for today is Red Lobster. RL offers bottomless cheese biscuits year round. I'm okay with this one because I can't make these at home and I get as many of these little diabetes makers no matter what I order. Mmm, Hurricane and cheesy biscuits. That's a power lunch. However, RL also offers never ending shrimp once a year around September/October. Now, at first this seems like a good deal since any seafood is pretty expensive right? Wrong! Let's crunch the numbers. Never ending shrimp costs $16 (not including beverage and tip). A bag of peeled, de-veined, frozen shrimp costs about $10 to $12. A much smaller price difference here but keep in mind that once AGAIN most of us can't even eat more than one plate at any restaurant and that bag of shrimp contains 50 to 70 shrimp(s).

Look, the bottom line is that whenever you see the words "Never Ending" that should translate to you as "Rip-Off". And now when we run into each other at the Olive Garden we can both judge each other over our pasta primavera.

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