Monday, February 10, 2014

How to Win at the Olympics part II

Men's/ Women's Short Track: If this team event of speed skating wasn't dangerous enough for you let's add another element. Spikes to the skates. Just like in ancient times of yore, adding spikes to your chariot wheels guaranteed your win and the blood of your enemies! After you have tripped all your other competitors with your skate spikes be sure to thank me at the podium right after you yell, "FOR ROME!"

Ice Dancing: This is a tricky one since you technically aren't even in a sport here. Usually, you can't wear tutus or bow ties in sports but I will humor you. The difficulty here is the fact that you aren't going face to face against the competition but rather taking turns ( lame I know but we must look past this). The only way to win is to leave shitty ice for the next couple. The night before drink NOTHING but water. The day of, drink nothing but water. During the performance pee every chance you get. Your clear undetectable urine will freeze onto the ice thus creating little hills all over the surface of the ice. When your rivals enter the rink they will trip and fall all over your piss mountains. With any luck, one such fall will be during a lift causing the woman to go flying into the stands and decapitating one of the judges. This couple will then be taken out of the competition and banned from figure skating for eternity.

Moguls: Winning in this sport is going to cost you an arm and a leg but honestly two legs; no arm. 2 years in advance you will need to travel to the Czech-Republic for a new, elective surgery called the Dr. Moreau. Both of your legs will be sliced off and kangaroo legs will be put in their place. After the surgery you will have to undergo some physical therapy but the pay off will be the capability to literally jump over the competition. Or foot punch them in the face with skis on it's up to you. I really just wanted to give some freedom of choice in this one.

Every two years I have to reiterate to people that the Winter Olympics are just far more superior to the summer games. Every sport is in harsh frigid conditions, there is always an element of death and your partner is more often than not a f*cking mountain!

Oh you swam? You ran in a circle? You jumped over some stuff? You hit a ball? I flew off Mount Doom at 70 mph, in my underoos  and suffered frost bite! Be a man and get some skis!

1 comment:

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