Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Trophy Husband

Every time I go to the doctor I have to fill out a form before my appointment. This form asks me if I am male or female. I answer "female". Once you answer "female" the form takes you to a set of female specific questions. Doctors are obsessed with knowing when your last period started and when it ended. I don't know why they ask you this because, as far as I can tell, your answer to this question gives them no medical insights into your overall health, whatsoever. I like to answer this question thusly: "Start date" June 5th, 10:01 pm 1976. "End date" yesterday. So far, no one has noticed that I have been on my period for 40 years and I am 30 years old.

Next, they ask me about my spouse. "Have you acquired any STDs from your spouse?" "Do you feel safe at home?" "Has your spouse had sex with other men within the last 6 months?" "Does your spouse verbally abuse you?" Apparently, my husband is prince charming and Han Solo all wrapped into one super human because he has not had sex with other men in the last 6 months or given me any STDs. I should really appreciate him more.

I love the power that I wield when I fill out these medical forms. My husband and I will go shopping and if I want something dumb and he won't buy it for me all I have to say is, "If you don't buy me these boots I am going to answer NO to the question, 'Do you feel safe at home'." Because without these boots I just don't feel safe at home anymore.

My spouse lives a difficult life. Doctors don't care if his wife is abusing him. Heck, they don't even ask! He lives in constant terror of my medical exam threats and he has to buy me whatever I want even if it is a SECOND set of Hulk Hands. Which, I use to physically abuse him. He knows to just tell people that he, "fell down some stares" and not, "my wife beats me with the Hulk Hands that I bought for her last Christmas."

I am going to have a trophy made for him. This trophy will depict a gilded Han Solo riding a white stallion into battle and the inscription on the plaque will read: "Number One Husband Award for Not Giving His Spouse an STD, Abusing Her Physcially/Verbally or Having Sex with Other Men Since 2011." Damn, that's a really huge plaque.

He deserves it though. He has had to deal with a woman who has been on her period since 1976.

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