The Teapot and Other Useless Sh*t

Why don't people still use butter churns or laser discs or nano pets anymore? Probably because we live in a place I like to call the "now". I love churning my own homemade, cage-free, all-natural, low-fat, hypo-allergenic, earth-friendly, homogenized, gluten-free, unsalted butter but who has the time? No one that's who. Also, where do I store my butter churn in my 1 bedroom apartment in the middle of the city? It's not a very good accent piece because it smells like old butter and it is starting to attract raccoons. My lease clearly states, "No Pets". There just isn't a place, in this modern world, for butter churns, digital pets and giant laser discs yet we insist on keeping our teapots.

The teapot is about as antiquated as a butter churn but without all the raccoons. When I watch someone pull out a tea kettle from their bottom shelf and fill it with water and then put it on their stove top next to their microwave, I want to call up the History Channel and alert them to this ancient (possibly alien) technology.

Did you not see the microwave? Do you know you are probably wasting water in that tea kettle (not earth friendly, earth unfriendly). Did you also miss the pot that was already on the stove and is a multi-tasker. Not only can a pot boil water for Ramen noodles but it can also boil water for tea...if you like Ramen flavored tea.

Using a tea kettle is the equivalent of staring science in the face and saying, "F*ck you! I'm gonna go live in the woods, worship Pan the Goat God, eat raw meet, befriend these raccoons and I'm not even gonna upgrade to the iPhone 5S!!!!".

I Don't Know What Is Real Anymore!

"Valentine's Day was made up by the card companies!", "It's not real!", "Just another reason to consume.", "It's only there to make single people feel worse.". I've heard it all and all of these statements are pretty factual except for the statement that Valentine's Day "Is not real". It's as real as Christmas people and here is why:

Christmas: No one actually knows when Christ was born. The date was stolen from pagan winter solstice traditions. Celebrating it is not even mentioned in the Bible or as a major tenant of the Christian faith. Today we eat candy and ask for gifts that we can't afford nor deserve.

Halloween: Pagan and Christian roots. All Hallows Eve was meant to commemorate the glorious dead such as Saints. Today we eat candy while dressed as whores and Captain Kirk.

Easter: Has roots in Judaism. This holiday takes place during Passover and even employs some of the feasting traditions. The date chosen for Easter also has some pagan roots. News flash, today we eat shit tons of candy and play with bunnies.

Thanksgiving: Two cultures came together to help each other and then celebrated with a feast from their productive harvest. Today the only "culture" we want at our dinner table is our own family and even that is a bother. "Why do I have to press 2 for English? !'Merica!!". We eat a shit ton of food and talk about how much more we are going to eat on Christmas.

Valentine's Day: Saint Valentine of Rome performed weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians. Today we eat a (shocker) shiiiit ton of candy and make-out with each other.

You don't have to like Valentine's Day but you can't deny that it is in fact "real". God knows that the 10 pounds of V-Day candy I just ate is real...too real.

How to Win at the Olympics part II

Men's/ Women's Short Track: If this team event of speed skating wasn't dangerous enough for you let's add another element. Spikes to the skates. Just like in ancient times of yore, adding spikes to your chariot wheels guaranteed your win and the blood of your enemies! After you have tripped all your other competitors with your skate spikes be sure to thank me at the podium right after you yell, "FOR ROME!"

Ice Dancing: This is a tricky one since you technically aren't even in a sport here. Usually, you can't wear tutus or bow ties in sports but I will humor you. The difficulty here is the fact that you aren't going face to face against the competition but rather taking turns ( lame I know but we must look past this). The only way to win is to leave shitty ice for the next couple. The night before drink NOTHING but water. The day of, drink nothing but water. During the performance pee every chance you get. Your clear undetectable urine will freeze onto the ice thus creating little hills all over the surface of the ice. When your rivals enter the rink they will trip and fall all over your piss mountains. With any luck, one such fall will be during a lift causing the woman to go flying into the stands and decapitating one of the judges. This couple will then be taken out of the competition and banned from figure skating for eternity.

Moguls: Winning in this sport is going to cost you an arm and a leg but honestly two legs; no arm. 2 years in advance you will need to travel to the Czech-Republic for a new, elective surgery called the Dr. Moreau. Both of your legs will be sliced off and kangaroo legs will be put in their place. After the surgery you will have to undergo some physical therapy but the pay off will be the capability to literally jump over the competition. Or foot punch them in the face with skis on it's up to you. I really just wanted to give some freedom of choice in this one.

Every two years I have to reiterate to people that the Winter Olympics are just far more superior to the summer games. Every sport is in harsh frigid conditions, there is always an element of death and your partner is more often than not a f*cking mountain!

Oh you swam? You ran in a circle? You jumped over some stuff? You hit a ball? I flew off Mount Doom at 70 mph, in my underoos  and suffered frost bite! Be a man and get some skis!

Prune Juice the Dr. Who of Juices

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Creationism or evolution? Can we really be sure? I say thee nay! I give you prune juice!

How does one juice a fruit that has already been dried out? Is there any juice left at all and if so how many plums are needed to make just one cup of prune juice? There are about 40 individual grapes in just one cup of grape juice. A plum is about 4 times the size of a large purple grape which should equal 10 plumes per glass of "plum" juice or 40 prunes to one cup of prune juice. Holy urinary tract infection batman that is a lot of fucking prunes! And, keep in mind that this is only a rough estimate.

I think the bigger question here is why is there no plum juice? There's plum wine but no juice? Only prune juice?! That would be like if there was no such thing as grape juice, only raisin juice. Gross. No cranberry juice only craisin juice. I just don't understand it. I think the only "real" explanation is that Dr. Who has brought some plums from the future and once exiting the tardis they immediately aged but they became an instant hit with the people of earth regardless because they belonged to the Dr. and his "prune juice" also offers us, mere mortals, with just a bit of his anti-aging properties thru these ancient plums...or at least that is the best explanation I can come up with.

Just when you think the universe is all out of mysteries, it hands you effing prune juice.

One of These Things Is EXACTLY Like the Other

Remember the Volcano taco from Taco Bell? Oh, you don't? Hmm, you must have a day job and respect for yourself. Good for you! But, for the rest of us; we remember.

Recently, Taco Bell has come out with the Doritos Locos Fiery Taco. I had it just last week. And, it is the Volcano taco. One can only assume that the volcano taco was a poor seller; the shells were about to go bad, so they had to re-market this fiery staple.

I wonder if this style of re-branding could work for the rest of us?
Allow me to introduce you to my Doritos Locos Mustang coupe! It only has 160,000 miles on it and this is the third time it has been re-posted to Craig's List.

The new Doritos Locos Miley Cyrus! The same Miley Cyrus but with half the hair and 100% more flesh colored latex. She is also located on the .99 cents menu.

Burn.

This Battle Station Is Now The Ultimate Power In The Universe

The internet is now the most powerful educational tool in the solar system and yet it's primary function is buying out of print DVD's on Amazon, "pinning" clothes you can never afford for a body you will never own onto Pinterest, checking up on your bff from summer camp circa 1996 or was it '97? Who can remember? Memories!!!!!!!!!, checking your bank account every 5 minutes to make sure that no one has stolen your identity and the obvious...cat videos.

Now before you rush to judgement, the answer is yes. Yes, I perform all of the aforementioned activities. But, I am trying to balance out the bull shit. For every bull shit act that I commit on the interwebs; I will, in turn, try to actually learn something on the internet.

I have enacted my learning process by looking up something that I have never understood. This could be the biography of someone or a certain event in history or perhaps the answer to a question. The question has to fulfill 1 of 2 criteria. Either, the question fulfills a long held curiosity or it will better my life, in one way or another, by knowing the answer or by researching a topic further.

Yesterday's question was: "Why do fish have vertical tail fins and swim side to side yet whales and dolphins have horizontal fins and swim in a seemingly up and down motion?"

The answer: There are several answers to this question. Fish typically live in one part of the ocean in reference to the bottom of the sea and the surface. They don't do a lot of diving to find food so they don't need a horizontal tail fin, which would enable them to make efficient deep dives. They also don't need to surface to breathe, another reason why they don't need to make quick up and down swims.

Whales have lungs just like any other mammal and they need to surface to breathe and dive deep to search for food. Since they have such large lungs, they need to move up and down because that type of motion does not restrict breathing. Fish are related to reptiles and reptiles also move side to side when walking or running. Reptiles and fish also make very quick or rapid movements. They are not known to be very good long distance runners or swimmers. That is because their breathing is being restricted so they need to make the most out of short bursts of running or swimming.

Boom! You just got scienced!!!

Now doesn't that make for a better conversation than, "Did you know that baby North West is already sporting custom made, 18 carat white gold wayfarers?!"

This battle station is now fully operational.

http://www.reddit.com/r/askscience

PR Advice

Celebrities are constantly getting in trouble for their actions and their filthy rich little potty mouths. Paula Deen using the 'N' word. John Mayer dating girls half his age and discussing it in Rolling Stone magazine. Justin Beiber owning a f**king monkey. Miley Cyrus being Miley Cyrus.

The reason why all these celebrities have come under fire for comments and actions is because they all started out with squeaky clean images. The southern grandma you never had. The soulful singer/songwriter, think "Daughters". The Canadian cutie and the Disney country star.

If you are a celebrity at some point in time (just like the rest of us) you are going to make a mistake. The difference is this. If I drunk dial an old friend and proceed to tell them that I always thought that they were a "crazy, forever alone, bitch". Those texts will not end up on TMZ or E! News because no one cares what I have to say because no one knows who the fuck I am because I have done literally nothing that is note worthy.

The solution? Fuck squeaky clean images no one, especially celebrities, are capable of keeping that up for an entire life time/career. Especially, when your career begins at age 12. Are you the same person you were at 12? Hopefully not, I used to listen to Metallica while watching 'My So Called Life' while writing a manifesto/song lyrics about true love - because I was an expert on true matrimony at age 12.

The key is to start out your career as a total ass hole and then you can get away with saying/doing anything you want. "That's Quagmire!" AND you can only go up from there! You will get nicer as the years go by and you will be remembered as gentle old soul. Ozzy Osbourne starting out eating live bats, pissing on the Alamo and other such fuckery. Now, he is a sweat old man that everybody loves. Alice Cooper? That guy is an adorable radio DJ for a classic rock station now. Madonna, she wrote a childrens' book...a childrens' book.

Ex. Interview 1 (of your career)

Q: Where do you see your music in the next 5 years?
A: "In the trash because it's total bull shit just like this interview and every fucktard that 'likes' my music on facebook."

Entertainment industry, you're welcome -Yours Truly, PR/Marketing/Management